I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
President Obama was talking at a press conference in between debt ceiling negotiations with Republicans. Compromise was uncertain, and Obama was complaining about the lack of cooperation from his political opponents.
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said. “My critics need to man up, nut up, and shut up if they can’t offer any alternatives. I will not rest until this nation’s financial stability is… uh… secured, and that may require some… uh… sacrifice from the nation’s wealthiest who need to pay more of their fair share.”
“Mr. President,” a reporter from FOX News spoke up. “You talk of sacrifice, and many Americans are sacrificing right now. Unemployed Americans looking for work are sacrificing because employers won’t hire because of economic uncertainty based on high debt. Seniors living on fixed incomes are sacrificing because of low interest rates. Future generations, our children and grandchildren, will sacrifice paying off this debt the federal government is accumulating.”
“Uh, is there a question in there?” Obama asked, wondering why a FOX reporter had been allowed to talk.
“Many Americans are sacrificing now or will sacrifice because of this national debt. What are you personally going to sacrifice, Mr. President?”
President Obama nodded thoughtfully and said, “A second term?”
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
A “Best Dirty Joke Ever” is a vulgar adult joke that doesn’t use foul language and four-letter words. It involves subtlety, nuance, euphemisms, and idioms. The blunt, coarser dirty jokes might be funnier, but they aren’t the “Best Ever.” With a “Best Dirty Joke Ever,” if a boss threatens to fire you or an easily offended co-worker tries to sue you, you can always claim that you didn’t know what the joke meant or that they misunderstood you; it might not work, but you can at least try. Telling a dirty joke while being able to distance yourself from the negative consequences, that’s what makes a dirty joke a “Best Dirty Joke Ever!”
*****
Rich Guy Gets Off
One night while on vacation, a rich guy finished showering and stepped out naked from his bathroom. When he walked into his bedroom, still naked, he surprised his hot young maid, who was fluffing some pillows. He leered at her. She smiled at him.
And a few hours later he was arrested.
A veteran police officer and a rookie were at the police station discussing the case and the prospects of the rich guy going to prison.
“The defense attorney said it’s an easy case,” the rookie said. “The guy’s going to get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off.”
“That’s not what the prosecution thinks,” the veteran said. “They said he won’t get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off instead.”
“Let me get this straight,” the rookie said. “This rich guy might get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off, or he might not get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off.”
“This is worse than ‘Who’s on First?’” said the veteran.
“What are you talking about?” demanded the rookie.
“You’ve never heard of ‘Who’s on First?’” the veteran asked, astonished at the lack of knowledge this young rookie had.
“We already know who was on first,” the rookie said. “We just don’t know how he got off.”
****
WARNING! These next two jokes are variations of anecdotes that I heard as a kid, and they stuck with me. Of course, I had to pretend to understand them at the time, and then years later the light bulb went off.
*****
Male Dog Grooms Himself
Two guys were sitting on a porch, discussing (who cares what they were talking about?) something not very important, when they noticed a dog licking himself in the front yard. The dog was intent on his work, nose planted between his hind legs, tongue making loud slurping noises.
Both men stopped talking so that they could watch the dog.
“I wish I could do that,” one guy said wistfully.
“He doesn’t like strangers,” the other guy said. “You’d better pet him first.”
*****
That Time of the Punctuation
A handsome lout was sitting in a bar by himself. He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was wondering who he was going to mooch off of this time.
A woman of equal moral character approached him.
“Hey, big boy,” she said in her best seductive voice. “Do you want some company?”
This proposition sounded great to the lout, and the two of them spent the evening drinking and getting to know each other. Hours of alcohol-induced conversation made them amorous, and they agreed to continue their night in a more private location.
There was just one potential problem.
“Honey, you need to know ahead of time,” the woman said, “that it’s that time of the month.”
“I don’t know what today’s date is,” the lout said, puzzled.
“I’m going through my, you know, that time that’s called a punctuation mark that ends a sentence.”
“I hate grammar,” the lout said, befuddled and getting annoyed.
“I’m in the rough time of my… cycle.”
“Oh,” the lout said, suddenly sympathetic. “We can take my car.”
*****
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
As part of our Derision 2012 coverage, Dysfunctional Literacy is examining each presidential candidate. We begin our coverage with a recent entry into the Republican primary, Thaddeus McCotter, congressman from Michigan. After a quick examination (less than five minutes), we have decided to tentatively endorse Thaddeus McCotter for the Republican nomination.
In order to receive our endorsement, we needed five good(?) reasons to vote for this candidate along with less than five concerns.
FIVE REASONS TO VOTE FOR THADDEUS MCCOTTER
1. He’s bald. In a profession known for hair plugs and bad combovers, Thaddeus McCotter seems to wear his baldness like a real man.
SUGGESTION- Rep. McCotter should go with the Mr. Clean look. It will add 10% to his poll numbers (though we recognize that adding 10% to statistically nothing will still mean statistically nothing).
2. McCotter has a dry deadpan sense of humor that nobody laughs at. We at Dysfunctional Literacy know the feeling of saying something humorous, only to be met with stone silence. Watch McCotter’s speech “How to Speak Democrat,” and try not to squirm at the lack of hilarity.
3. Welcome Mack Kotter! C’mon, that would make a great political sign. Add the theme music/song from Welcome Back Kotter, and you have a ready made anthem for a candidate with near nonexistent poll numbers.
SUGGESTION: McCotter should use the theme music from Welcome Back Kotter (with lots of Welcome Mack Kotter signs) without permission at one of his rallies. When Gabe Kaplan (or anyone associated with the show) issues a cease and desist order against him, McCotter could claim Hollywood bias against conservatives. This will give him instant media attention (from some outlets) and again probably increase his poll numbers. This stunt might get him out of the statistically nothing range.
This also might get Gabe Kaplan the publicity and backing he needs for Fast Break 2.
4. No memoirs. We already have a president who wrote two memoirs before he became president, and look how that’s turning out for the country. If McCotter can run an entire campaign without writing a memoir that nobody is going to read, then he might be the right (as in correct) man (or person) for the job.
5. He hasn’t been labeled yet. Every other candidate has already been labeled, even (especially) the incumbent. McCotter is so low profile that he has a chance to control how he will be presented to the American public. He can actually use his statistically nonexistent poll numbers to his advantage by creating his persona before his opponents do. Democrats (and other Republicans) haven’t tried to label him (probably) because they think he isn’t worth their time. McCotter can make them pay for misunderestimating him… and crush them with his baritone monotone eloquence!!
CONCERNS
1. He’s running for president. There has to be something psychologically wrong with anybody that wants to be President of the United States. It’s okay for kids to want to be president when they grow up because they’re kids and are too stupid to know better. But adults? Any adult that has a desire to be president and thinks that he (or she) is capable enough has to have something wrong psychologically or emotionally and therefore should be disqualified. Unfortunately, that rule isn’t in the United States Constitution.
2. He plays the guitar. There are few things more distasteful than a politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. One of them is a Republican politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. It’s almost as bad as sending pictures of your package on Twitter; your constituents might love you enough to overlook it, but the rest of the country will think you need to find employment elsewhere. And you’re definitely not going to be president doing that (if you’re a Republican).
On the other hand, if McCotter is running for president solely as publicity for his rock (is that what you call it?) band, then our endorsement will be officially withdrawn.
*****
As an influential member of the media, we have to admit that sometimes we at Dysfunctional Literacy misjudge things, so when you vote for president, don’t use our endorsement as your only reason.
MOMENTS OF BAD JUDGEMENT from DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
- We originally believed that Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account had been hacked.
- We believed that Charlie Sheen would return to Two and a Half Men.
- We believed LeBron James would redeem himself in the playoffs.
- We believed that readers would be entertained by Dysfunctional Grammar (which no longer exists).
- We believed that the IMF French guy did it (well, we still believe that).
Welcome Mack Kotter for President 2012!
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Be careful, Maria! A loud grunt can shatter glass! Image via Wikipedi
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Dysfunctional Literacy 