Endorsement (kind of): Thaddeus McCotter for President of the United States
As part of our Derision 2012 coverage, Dysfunctional Literacy is examining each presidential candidate. We begin our coverage with a recent entry into the Republican primary, Thaddeus McCotter, congressman from Michigan. After a quick examination (less than five minutes), we have decided to tentatively endorse Thaddeus McCotter for the Republican nomination.
In order to receive our endorsement, we needed five good(?) reasons to vote for this candidate along with less than five concerns.
FIVE REASONS TO VOTE FOR THADDEUS MCCOTTER
1. He’s bald. In a profession known for hair plugs and bad combovers, Thaddeus McCotter seems to wear his baldness like a real man.
SUGGESTION- Rep. McCotter should go with the Mr. Clean look. It will add 10% to his poll numbers (though we recognize that adding 10% to statistically nothing will still mean statistically nothing).
2. McCotter has a dry deadpan sense of humor that nobody laughs at. We at Dysfunctional Literacy know the feeling of saying something humorous, only to be met with stone silence. Watch McCotter’s speech “How to Speak Democrat,” and try not to squirm at the lack of hilarity.
3. Welcome Mack Kotter! C’mon, that would make a great political sign. Add the theme music/song from Welcome Back Kotter, and you have a ready made anthem for a candidate with near nonexistent poll numbers.
SUGGESTION: McCotter should use the theme music from Welcome Back Kotter (with lots of Welcome Mack Kotter signs) without permission at one of his rallies. When Gabe Kaplan (or anyone associated with the show) issues a cease and desist order against him, McCotter could claim Hollywood bias against conservatives. This will give him instant media attention (from some outlets) and again probably increase his poll numbers. This stunt might get him out of the statistically nothing range.
This also might get Gabe Kaplan the publicity and backing he needs for Fast Break 2.
4. No memoirs. We already have a president who wrote two memoirs before he became president, and look how that’s turning out for the country. If McCotter can run an entire campaign without writing a memoir that nobody is going to read, then he might be the right (as in correct) man (or person) for the job.
5. He hasn’t been labeled yet. Every other candidate has already been labeled, even (especially) the incumbent. McCotter is so low profile that he has a chance to control how he will be presented to the American public. He can actually use his statistically nonexistent poll numbers to his advantage by creating his persona before his opponents do. Democrats (and other Republicans) haven’t tried to label him (probably) because they think he isn’t worth their time. McCotter can make them pay for misunderestimating him… and crush them with his baritone monotone eloquence!!
1. He’s running for president. There has to be something psychologically wrong with anybody that wants to be President of the United States. It’s okay for kids to want to be president when they grow up because they’re kids and are too stupid to know better. But adults? Any adult that has a desire to be president and thinks that he (or she) is capable enough has to have something wrong psychologically or emotionally and therefore should be disqualified. Unfortunately, that rule isn’t in the United States Constitution.
2. He plays the guitar. There are few things more distasteful than a politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. One of them is a Republican politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. It’s almost as bad as sending pictures of your package on Twitter; your constituents might love you enough to overlook it, but the rest of the country will think you need to find employment elsewhere. And you’re definitely not going to be president doing that (if you’re a Republican).
On the other hand, if McCotter is running for president solely as publicity for his rock (is that what you call it?) band, then our endorsement will be officially withdrawn.
As an influential member of the media, we have to admit that sometimes we at Dysfunctional Literacy misjudge things, so when you vote for president, don’t use our endorsement as your only reason.
MOMENTS OF BAD JUDGEMENT from DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
- We originally believed that Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account had been hacked.
- We believed that Charlie Sheen would return to Two and a Half Men.
- We believed LeBron James would redeem himself in the playoffs.
- We believed that readers would be entertained by Dysfunctional Grammar (which no longer exists).
- We believed that the IMF French guy did it (well, we still believe that).
Welcome Mack Kotter for President 2012!