I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
The Murder of the Century: The Gilded Age Crime That Scandalized a City & Sparked the Tabloid Wars by Paul Collins
WAS THIS REALLY THE MURDER OF THE CENTURY?
So this guy whom I’ve never heard of in1897 New York is murdered, and his body gets sawed up into several pieces and hidden (not very well) in various places (this isn’t a spoiler because it’s at the very beginning of the book). If nobody has heard of the murder, can it really be a murder of the century? Keep in mind this was in the 19th century, so here are some other prominent murders from the 1800’s.
- Abraham Lincoln- Maybe it’s considered an assassination, but murder is murder, and the United States is still feeling the political effects of it.
- Jack the Ripper- Some might say that since he’s British, he doesn’t count, but he was one of the first documented serial killers (that I know of). Too bad there were no Londoners who could “think like a serial killer to catch a serial killer” back then.
- Lizzie Borden- Yeah, she was acquitted, but she still probably did it. The murder trial was very sensationalistic, and she has a cool children’s rhyme about her murder. If kids make a rhyme about you, you might have committed the murder of the century.
This book is called The Murder of the Century:(plus a lot of other words), not just because of the crime, but also because of the effect it had on police work and investigative journalism. It’s kind of like Casey Anthony/OJ Simpson meets The News of the World hacking scandal, only the hacking part is way, way worse.
AND YOU THOUGHT HACKING INTO PHONES WAS BAD
Today’s journalists have nothing on the investigative reporters of 1897. Most journalists today just hang out with other journalists and either wait to interview somebody important or interview each other. If they try to investigate, like hack into phones or jump a fence to take a picture, it’s considered criminal (for good reason, I guess). Back in 1897, journalists arrested suspects, stole property from suspects, cut wire of competitors, and paid off police officers and witnesses (I’ve heard that still goes on). These 1897 guys wouldn’t have just hacked into phones (if they had existed); they would have stolen the phones, used them before the theft was reported (probably to impersonate the original owner), and then would have been praised for doing it.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ THE MURDER OF THE CENTURY
It’s a fast-paced book with lots of details that don’t slow down the story at all. There are a bunch of interesting characters: detectives, witnesses, bystanders, suspects, reporters, newspaper publishers, prosecutors, defense attorneys, cellmates, jailors, and despite all these characters, I only had to go back once to remind myself who somebody was. Also, the reader gets a sense of what New York was like with physical descriptions and lots of references to events of that time period.
This book is good enough to be a bestseller, but it probably won’t become one. I, however, will most likely buy the author’s next book, as long as he doesn’t rush it and publish it within the next year. Take your time, Paul Collins, take your time.
WHY YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ THE MURDER OF THE CENTURY
As well-written as it is, there is no central character. That doesn’t bother me, but it might bother readers who are used to one person examining every clue and solving a mystery. This story isn’t like that. Also, the tone is very different from what we are used to with our own “murders of the century.” With OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony, there was a polarization and a sense of outrage that the case in this book doesn’t seem to have. The public seemed more fascinated with the murder rather than outraged, and I don’t know if that’s the way it was in New York City at the time or if that was simply the tone the author chose to use. Since I hate the cop-out answer (“It’s a little bit of both.”), I’d guess New Yorkers were more fascinated than outraged. If you don’t like morbid humor (some from the participants, some from the author), then you might want to avoid this book.
HOW DO WE RATE THIS BOOK?
4.5 stars out of five. Two thumbs up. Highly recommend. This would be a great summer read, but summer’s almost over.
TWO POSITIVE BOOK REVIEWS IN A ROW?
We don’t want you to think that Dysfunctional Literacy is going soft, so here is a short list of books that were so bad I couldn’t finish them (or read enough to give a fair review).
Smokin’ Seventeen by Janet Evanovich- More like Sucky Seventeen. Yeah, that’s a poor attempt at humor, but Janet had to know somebody was going to say it.
A Dog’s Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron – I’m the only person I know who doesn’t like this book (and I love dogs). It reads like it’s written for middle school kids, and I give dogs way more credit than that.
Betrayal of Trust by J.A. Jance- I dislike books where authors assume the readers are already good friends with their main characters, and I’m not going to start at book one of this series just to get acquainted.
Hopefully that’s enough unfair criticism of current books to get you to our next review.
UPDATED November 7, 2012- Now that we know President Obama was re-elected, read on to see what I predicted! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
President Obama sees a new poll that shows his disapproval numbers have gone over 50%. Concerned, he makes a quick call to his pollster.
“Let me be clear,” President Obama says. “I, uh, don’t understand these numbers.”
“It means that over half the country thinks that you’re not doing a good job as president,” the pollster says.
“I want a second opinion,” the president says.
“Okay,” the pollster replies. “Most of the country thinks your tweets suck too.”
*****
There are two reasons you’ve never heard this story before; it’s not true, and it’s not funny. But it is relevant. And this anecdote leads us to our current Derision 2012 Coverage topic which is…
WILL PRESIDENT OBAMA WIN RE-ELECTION IN 2012?
We are not asking if President Obama CAN be re-elected. Obviously, he could. We are not asking if he SHOULD be re-elected. That would mean we would have to provide a bunch of boring numbers and analysis, and it would make a bunch of potential readers mad and they would never come back to our comedy site. We are simply asking if President Obama WILL be re-elected.
Yeah, nothing can go wrong while talking about politics.
SPORTS ANALOGIES ARE LAME, BUT LET’S USE ONE ANYWAY
When football prognosticators talk in August about who will get to the Super Bowl in February, they don’t say, “Can anybody beat the Green Bay Packers?” Despite being last year’s Super Bowl champion, the Packers have a lot of flaws as a team that others can exploit throughout the regular season and playoffs. In other words, it will be very difficult for the Packers to repeat as Super Bowl champions.
Watching a lot of recent election coverage, it seems as though most pundits are asking, ‘Can a Republican defeat Obama in 2012?” That’s the wrong question. They should be asking, “Can Obama be re-elected in 2012?” After all, Obama has a lot of flaws as an incumbent that the Republicans can exploit: a tanking economy, increasing national debt, and a new habit of spamming really lame political tweets.
GENERIC REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE BEATS OBAMA
First of all, recent polling shows that Obama loses to a generic Republican candidate. Luckily for Obama, there’s nobody named Generic Republican Candidate. If there were, Republicans would run him (or her) just to be guaranteed a win.
For those of you parents who want your child to become president (why do you hate your children?), just change your last name to Candidate, name your child Generic, and then let your child choose his (or her) middle name when he (or she) is old enough to make those kinds of decisions. Just pray that your child doesn’t choose Communist or Libertarian because they never win presidential elections.
LIST OF POSSIBLE REPUBLICAN NOMINEES
One way that President Obama wins re-election is if the Republicans nominate a horrible candidate… or if the Democrats can convince swing voters that the Republicans have nominated a really horrible candidate. So let’s take a look at possible Republican nominees.
Michelle Bachmann (congresswoman from Minnesota): She may get migraines, but she also gives migraines to people listening to her speeches. If she ever says that she feels your pain, she might actually mean it.
Sarah Palin (former governor of Alaska): She can’t be blamed for federal problems like the economy or the debt, but she has a soap opera family. It’s not a good sign when a potential First Family has gone into soap opera mode before they get to the White House.
Herman Cain: We said “possible” Republican nominees.
Mitt Romney (former governor of Massachusetts): It’s tough for Republicans to vote for anybody from Massachusetts, but they might make an exception if they think Romney can defeat President Obama.
Rick Perry (governor of Texas): He’s got great hair and two first names. That would normally be a tough combination to beat, but he’s a Texas governor, and the country might not quite be ready for another one of those.
The main problem with these potential nominees is that they are either obnoxious or boring. Unfortunately, President Obama is both. He has gotten to be insufferably boring when he speaks, and his Twitter behavior has gotten to be insufferably obnoxious.
And before Democrat pundits start crowing about how weak this Republican field is, they need to remember that their entire Democratic field is limited to Barack Obama, a president who’s not exactly at the top of the polls right now and is perceived to have made most of former President Bush’s problems worse.
So basically we have a bunch of Republicans who look like they’re not going to be very good presidents running against a Democrat who (according to polls) already isn’t a very good president.
FOR HOW LONG CAN OBAMA BLAME BUSH?
Another way Obama can get re-elected is if he can persuade swing voters that it isn’t his fault that the economy and the debt got worse while he was president. He probably won’t be able to blame any of the potential Republican nominees because most are governors or former governors and have had no influence on federal issues. Therefore, Obama has to keep blaming Bush.
But will that work with swing voters? Probably not.
Why not? Because President Obama took credit for killing Osama Bin Laden.
Huh? Please allow us to explain.
As soon as Obama (and his supporters) took credit for killing Osama Bin Laden, they lost their ability to credibly blame Bush for the bad economy. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. Obama could have given Bush credit for Bin Laden’s death and then blamed Bush for the economy, or Obama could have taken the credit for Bin laden and then taken the blame for the economy, but it makes no logical sense to take the credit for Bin Laden and then blame Bush for the economy.
Maybe it does make sense, but it probably takes a longwinded explanation with lots of numbers, and it would be really boring, and it wouldn’t change anybody’s opinion, so it would be a waste of time.
WHY YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE LIVING IN FLORIDA, PENNSYLVANIA, OHIO, and MICHIGAN
One other way for President Obama to win re-election is by outspending his opponents on advertising to convince voters that the Republican nominee is a horrible candidate. Even now, Obama is raising money almost as fast as the federal government is spending it (to be fair, it’s two different sets of money). That (campaign) money is going to fund lots and lots of advertising, and those ads are not going to be spread thinly throughout the entire country.
Oh no! That money is going to be concentrated on a few key states, and those states are going to be inundated with a flood of ads from Obama supporters and Republican super-PACs. By the time November of 2012 rolls around, television viewers are going to be begging to see Vince from Slap Chop again. You can pity the people of these states, or you can say they’re getting what they deserve for being so washy-washy that they now live in swing states.
WILL PRESIDENT OBAMA WIN RE-ELECTION IN 2012?
Of course, it’s too early to tell. It depends on who wins the Republican nomination. It also depends if the economy improves. However, we at Dysfunctional Literacy don’t just ask the tough questions; we answer them, even if the answer turns out to be wrong later.
NO, PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL NOT WIN RE-ELECTION IN 2012!
Here’s Obama’s problem. He’s an incumbent with a sour personality, and if an incumbent has a sour personality (boring speeches and obnoxious spam tweets don’t help), then his economy better be awesome. It’s not. If the economy is tanking, then he needs to be able to blame it on somebody else, preferably his opponent. He can’t. If he has a bad economy that he can’t blame on an opponent, then he has to demonize his opponent enough to overshadow his own faults and lack of accomplishments. That’s going to be tough, even with his campaign coffers and this current field of Republicans.
Therefore, we at Dysfunctional Literacy predict that President Barack Obama will not be re-elected in 2012.
WHERE DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY HAS BEEN WRONG BEFORE
We at Dysfunctional Literacy aren’t that great at this prognostication thing. Here’s a list of some recent things that we have been wrong about:
- We thought President Obama and Congress would come up with a debt deal that would satisfy everybody.
- We thought FOX News was fair and balanced just because they said they were.
- We thought if Thaddeus McCotter would take our advice, then he would become a contender in the Republican primary.
- We thought Two and a Half Men would let Charlie Sheen make a few friendly cameo appearances even after they hired Ashton Kutcher to replace him.
- We thought Rachel Maddow was originally a… never mind, we’re actually kind of embarrassed by this one.
UPDATE- November, 7, 2012
Okay, my prediction was wrong. My last two fantasy football teams have sucked too, so I’ve stopped making predictions. I’ve also stopped refering to myself as “we” on this blog. That was pretty lame.
You don’t have to be a hockey fan to enjoy a brawl on the ice, and you don’t have to be a sports expert to enjoy a BEST SPORTS JOKE EVER! Image via Wikipedia
A “Best Sports Joke Ever!” is an anecdote that even the average non-sports fan can find amusing. You don’t have to watch ESPN every day to laugh at a “Best Sports Joke Ever!” You don’t have to participate in a fantasy league or have the rosters of your favorite franchises memorized. The following stories might not be the funniest sports jokes ever, but since they can be understood (and maybe even laughed at) by the casual observer, they are some of the “Best Sports Jokes Ever!”
*****
WHAT IS THE GREATEST SPORT IN THE WORLD?
A football player and a soccer player were sitting at a bar having a few too many when they started arguing about which sport was better.
“Football, American football, is the world’s greatest sport,” the football player said. “It is by far the most popular sport in the United States, which is the only country whose opinion matters. Football has everything that makes sports great: violence, strategy, grace, finesse, speed, and even a little bit of sex if you include the cheerleaders. No other sport can claim that combination.”
“Soccer is the world’s greatest sport, you ignorant American,” said the soccer player, who was also American but forgot because he was a soccer player. “More people play soccer than any other sport in the world. You Americans with your need for instant gratification cannot appreciate the subtleties of soccer, its nuances, its gradual pace. Soccer is loved internationally, and nobody outside your country plays American football.”
“The world loves soccer because you can be dirt poor to play it, and most of the world is dirt poor,” the football player countered. “All you need is a ball. And that slow pace is not nuanced; it’s boring. Soccer is the only sport where you can get drunk, pass out, wake up, and nothing’s happened.”
Before the soccer player could become completely enraged, a baseball player interjected, “Both of you are wrong. Baseball is the world’s greatest sport. You don’t need a bunch of expensive equipment to play it, and both teams get an equal chance to win. Both teams get three outs per inning, so time isn’t an issue. It’s a perfectly designed game.”
The football player and the soccer player were about to mock the baseball player when a basketball player interrupted. “Basketball is the world’s greatest sport. It’s like soccer, but with fewer players, and a lot more scoring. It’s a game anybody can play, it’s exciting, and the world loves it.”
Instead of admitting that each sport had its good points, the athletes impugned each other, and soon the argument degenerated, with each sport having several supporters yelling at supporters of other sports.
“Football sucks!” one group would shout at the football players.
“Soccer sucks!” another group would scream at the soccer players.
“Baseball sucks!”
“Basketball sucks!”
“You suck!”
“Your mom sucks!”
Once the mother’s behavior was invoked, a brawl broke out. Punches were thrown. Teeth were knocked out. But despite the number of people involved and the amount of alcohol consumed before the violence began, no weapons were used, and nobody got bitten. The police were eventually called, and they eagerly broke up the fight with a healthy combination of tear gas, tasers, and batons.
As the athletes were being organized into groups (jail, hospital, and home), one loud-mouth athlete who was missing several teeth (they were missing before the fight began) said, “This proves what the world’s greatest sport is.”
The brawlers and police officers stared perplexed at the loud-mouth athlete.
“There is only one sport where athletes will stop what they are doing and settle their differences by knocking each other senseless on a regular basis,” the athlete stated.
“Boxing?” one police officer asked.
“No,” the loud-mouth athlete proclaimed. “The greatest sport in the world is hockey.”
*****
A TIM TEBOW JOKE
It was late in the fourth quarter with the Denver Broncos down 9-3 when Tim Tebow (who had up to that point completed 3-16 passes for 29 yards) hit a wide open receiver (the cornerback had fallen down) to get his team to the one yard line. Tim Tebow then rushed for the touchdown, dropped to one knee, and bowed his head in prayer for several seconds.
The Denver Broncos won the game 10-9, and in the post-game press conference Tim Tebow thanked God and thanked Jesus Christ for the win but forgot to thank his defense that had kept the other team to three field goals. During the press conference, he reminded the world that it was God and Jesus Christ who gave him the skills necessary to win the game. He also talked for several minutes about how much he loved God and Jesus Christ.
Then Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend ran into his arms in front of the crowd and cameras and tried to plant a sloppy wet kiss on him, but Tim Tebow stepped back and instead gave her an air hug.
“What’s wrong?” Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend asked.
“C’mon, honey,” Tim Tebow pleaded, embarrassed. “You know that I think public displays of affection are tacky.”
*****
LEBRON JAMES SAVES DIRK NOWITZKI’S LIFE, THEN CHOKES
LeBron James was dining with his girlfriend at a fine restaurant when Dirk Nowitzki showed up with his entourage. It was a slightly uncomfortable moment, but both superstars nodded acknowledgements to each other and went about their business peacefully.
Dirk was seated across the restaurant facing LeBron, and as they were eating, LeBron noticed that Nowitzki was making a face at him. Puzzled at first, LeBron watched as Dirk clutched his throat, strained his face, and even stuck his tongue out a bit.
The crowd laughed, and LeBron was a bit miffed. Yeah, he had made fun of Dirk’s alleged illness during the Finals, but that was at the arena and not in public after the season was over. LeBron tried to ignore the taunting, but Dirk’s entourage was laughing quite loudly, and the crowd in the restaurant was noticing his antics. Dirk then stood, hands clutching throat, his body shaking violently, and the crowd howled in derision at LeBron. Even LeBron’s girlfriend had a tough time controlling her amusement.
Finally, LeBron had had enough. He was tired of these lame LeBron James jokes. All he had heard since mid-season was “LeBron James chokes, Lebron James chokes, Lebron James chokes.” There is only so far that you can push a man before he breaks, so LeBron stood, strode across the restaurant to Dirk’s table, and punched him full in the stomach.
Dirk doubled over as a piece of meat flew across the room. Dirk gasped and announced to everybody that LeBron had just saved his life! LeBron was suddenly recognized as a hero. While everybody else had stood and watched Dirk nearly choke to death, only LeBron had had the presence of mind to use an unusual Heimlich method to dislodge the hunk of meat from Dirk’s throat. LeBron was once again king, and much of the national negativity against him dissipated. Times were good.
The NBA season started again. The Miami Heat were in a close game in the 4th quarter. Lebron took an ill-advised jumper, and the ball clanked off the rim. The home crowd booed, and as LeBron turned around, his teammate Dwayne Wade hit him full in the stomach. The crowd cheered as LeBron doubled over, the wind knocked out of him.
When LeBron regained his breath, he rushed Dwayne Wade, but the other Heat players got between them, and after everybody calmed down, LeBron asked Dwayne, “What did you do that for?”
Dwayne Wade said, “To make sure you don’t choke.”
It was the new millennium, and as God looked over humanity, He was again saddened and disappointed by what He saw. Humans had developed almost miraculous technology and yet were misusing it for their base desires. Men used technology for porn. Women used the technology for gossip. Criminals used the technology to help themselves steal and murder. Very little productive was being done with these wonderful tools that God had allowed/helped humans to discover.
And so God decided to step in.
First, God created an account on Facebook and friended everybody. When He was rejected by most Facebook users, God was stunned.
“Who would dare not to friend God?” God asked with indignation, tempted to set the world on fire.
But instead, God upgraded His Facebook page.
He put up photos of Adam and Eve with the apple, Moses parting the Red Sea, and Jesus walking on water. These pictures created a huge stir on the internet, as image experts closely examined the pictures for signs of image editing or anachronisms (God had made Moses take off his watch), but the photos were authentic, and people throughout the world began to believe that this particular Facebook page truly belonged to God.
And soon God had more friends than anybody else on Facebook, and God was happy.
Next, God went on Twitter. It was sometimes difficult to keep His good word to 140 characters, but He was God and the Twitter technology showed remarkable flexibility when God wrote too much. God used Twitter to shame individuals of their sins. He publically warned men (and women) not to cheat, not to watch porn (at least not at work), not to discuss politics where food was being served, and of course not to steal, murder, and the usual stuff.
Humans did not stop committing acts of sin, but the number of acts of sin decreased greatly.
Atheists, however, refused to believe that this was the work of God. It had to be a hacker with enough resources to check individual internet usage and deduce who was sinning and how. No amount of evidence was enough to prove to them that God existed and had gotten addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
“Prove that you’re God,” the skeptics demanded to God. “Perform a miracle for us.”
“Is nothing enough for you?” God scoffed. “I have just used Facebook and Twitter in a positive way to do good in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.”
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
President Obama was dining out one night and was about to order dessert when a presidential aide whispered into his ear, “Mr. President, I apologize for interrupting, but you’re out of money.”
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “that is just partisan right-wing fear mongering.”
“No, Mr. President,” the aide continued. “Your personal budget is out of money. We need your permission to pull money from another part of the budget and put it into your account.”
The president and his aide spoke of money and budgets for a few minutes, and when the aide left, Obama relaxed by watching the restaurant television. A montage of public figures being physically assaulted was being played on a news show. Some guy was throwing a shoe at a former president from a few years ago. A couple political speakers got hit in the face with pies. A couple presidential candidates from the opposing party got glitter bombed.
As President Obama watched and grinned, he noticed a child approaching him, holding something suspicious. Before Obama could react, Secret Service agents jumped on the child, throwing him to the floor and frisking him.
“Why were you rushing the president?” one agent, gun drawn, said to the boy.
“Mmmfff, rrmmmfff, bbmmmfff,” the boy said, his face mashed against the floor.
“Mr. President, this appears to be a piggy bank,” another agent said. He shook the piggy and added, “There seems to be money inside.”
After agents released the child, the boy regained his composure and said to President Obama, “Mr. President, I heard that you ran out of money, and I’d like to help.” He took his piggy bank from the Secret Service agent and gave it to the president. “I hope this is enough to pay your bill.”
One of the aides whispered to Obama, “Mr. President, you can’t accept money from a child.”
“Let me be frank,” President Obama replied. “He’s going to have to pay for my spending sooner or later, so he might as well start now.”
A “Best God Joke Ever!” is a slightly religious joke that isn’t meant to offend anybody. I don’t mind if I accidentally/incidentally offend people, but I don’t go out of my way to do it. We true believers shouldn’t worry about God jokes because when people are making God jokes, it shows that God is still relevant. Now when people stop making God jokes, that’s when we can start worrying.
*****
GOD GETS ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK AND TWITTER
It was the new millennium, and as God looked over humanity, He was again saddened and disappointed by what He saw. Humans had developed almost miraculous technology and yet were misusing it for their base desires. Men used technology for porn. Women used the technology for gossip. Criminals used the technology to help themselves steal and murder. Very little productive was being done with these wonderful tools that God had allowed/helped humans to discover.
And so God decided to step in.
First, God created an account on Facebook and friended everybody. When He was rejected by most Facebook users, God was stunned.
“Who would dare not to friend God?” God asked with indignation, tempted to set the world on fire.
But instead, God upgraded His Facebook page.
He put up photos of Adam and Eve with the apple, Moses parting the Red Sea, and Jesus walking on water. These pictures created a huge stir on the internet, as image experts closely examined the pictures for signs of image editing or anachronisms (God had made Moses take off his watch), but the photos were authentic, and people throughout the world began to believe that this particular Facebook page truly belonged to God.
And soon God had more friends than anybody else on Facebook, and God was happy.
Next, God went on Twitter. It was sometimes difficult to keep His good word to 140 characters, but He was God and the Twitter technology showed remarkable flexibility when God wrote too much. God used Twitter to shame individuals of their sins. He publically warned men (and women) not to cheat, not to watch porn (at least not at work), not to discuss politics where food was being served, and of course not to steal, murder, and the usual stuff.
Humans did not stop committing acts of sin, but the number of acts of sin decreased greatly.
Atheists, however, refused to believe that this was the work of God. It had to be a hacker with enough resources to check individual internet usage and deduce who was sinning and how. No amount of evidence was enough to prove to them that God existed and had gotten addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
“Prove that you’re God,” the skeptics demanded to God. “Perform a miracle for us.”
“Is nothing enough for you?” God scoffed. “I have just used Facebook and Twitter in a positive way to do good in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.”
*****
LITERARY GOD JOKE!
God visits a book publisher in his dream and says, “I command you to publish all of my books from The Bible separately, give them new covers, and charge a separate price for each of them. A separate book for Genesis. A separate book for Job. A separate book for each of them.”
The publisher quickly awakens in a cold sweat, not because he’s talking to God, but because of the idea God is suggesting. “But God!” he says. “Those individual books are too small, and they’re too many of them. Nobody would buy them all.”
“You question the word of God?” God says, indignation in his voice. “Make these books available on reading devices as well, and charge $9.99 for each.”
“What?” the publisher sputters. “People won’t stand for that. They won’t buy them. Even worse, they’ll one-star each book in their reviews and complain about overcharging for digital content that doesn’t cost anything to produce.”
“Who would dare to one-star the word of God?” God roars, sending spasms of fear throughout the publisher’s body.
“Not I,” reiterates the publisher, who is barely able to speak. “But why do this, God?” the publisher asks. “The Bible is the best selling book of all time. Do you really need the money?”
“No,” God grumbles, his voice lowered. “I just want to have more book titles published than L. Ron Hubbard.”
*****
GOD AS PRESIDENT OBAMA’S TOUR GUIDE
A long time from now, many years and years in the future, President Obama dies from natural causes. It’s a peaceful, nonviolent death, and comes after a very productive and happy life. This anecdote is about what happens afterward and should not be interpreted in any way as wishing anything bad upon our president.
In other words, Secret Service agents do not need to visit Dysfunctional Literacy.
Now back to the story.
Usually St. Peter greets people at the pearly gates, but President Obama was so (awesome/miserable) that God wanted to greet him Himself. God normally likes to present Himself in the form of something that a mere human can understand, so God showed up to greet Barack Obama in the form of Barack Obama.
“Welcome to Heaven,” God said. “I wanted to personally meet the man who had the (best/worst/most mediocre) presidential (term/terms) in United States history.”
“This isn’t what I was expecting,” Obama said, looking around and thinking about his… Christian… upbringing.
God took Obama to a basketball court surrounded by ancient Greek pillars and a multitude of adoring fans shouting “Obama! Obama!” Michelle appeared out of the mists, and they hugged each other for a long time. But while he was embracing his heavenly wife, Obama was thinking about the basketball court.
Obama looked more closely at the court and saw dozens of NBA greats like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Kobe Bryant playing in their primes. Excited, Obama then noticed that LeBron James was nowhere to be seen.
When Obama asked about LeBron, God shook his head. “Unfortunately, there is only one King here in Heaven, and LeBron couldn’t accept that, so he is playing in one of the lower leagues.”
Obama then asked why Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosch were there in Heaven and God said, “They like LeBron, but they couldn’t take that kind of Heat.”
The NBA players motioned Obama to the court, and Obama couldn’t believe it. “I can play a pick-up game with them?”
“Not only that,” God said, “but you can’t get hurt when somebody fouls you or elbows you in the face. This is Heaven, after all. And you’ll need these.” God handed Obama a pack of cigarettes. “In Heaven, you can smoke these and never get sick.”
“Uhhhh… let me be clear,” Obama said, in disbelief. “I can play pickup games with the best NBA players ever, not get hurt, smoke cigarettes while I play, and throngs of people call my name in adoration.”
“This is your perfect world,” God said. “You may even eat fast food whenever you want.”
Obama looked around and saw some Republicans in the distance drilling for oil and shooting criminals for target practice.
“If this is my perfect world, how come they’re here?” Obama asked.
“This is everyone’s perfect world,” God answered. “You get to have your fun. They get to have their fun. And none of you will ever get to be president again.”
*****
JACKASS STUNT GUY GETS INTO HEAVEN
One day a stunt guy from Jackass died and found himself standing in a long line in front of the pearly gates. When the stunt guy was finally met by St. Peter, the guy wisely kept his mouth shut and listened to the lecture he knew he was going to get.
“You have led a reckless life,” St. Peter said to the stunt guy. “You have much to answer for. But God loves all of his children, so you have an opportunity to redeem yourself before entering God’s kingdom.
“Your first step is to fit yourself through the eye of this needle,” and St. Peter handed the Jackass stunt guy a tiny needle with the most miniscule of eyes. The stunt guy sighed and began stuffing himself head first through the needle’s eye. He was grunting and wheezing, struggling to fit his shoulders through when St. Peter reared back and kicked the stunt guy in the nuts.
A bunch of angels who had gathered laughed uproariously at this and took their turns periodically kicking the stunt guy in the nuts and in his butt. The stunt guy struggled and tried to squeeze through, and he cursed at the angels, even using the Lord’s name in vain several times. Finally, he managed to squeeze through the needle’s eye, and he dropped to the next level.
The stunt guy then found himself skateboarding down a tunnel while being chased by a three-headed dog who kept biting at his butt and his groin. A large group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy and the dog, yelling and hollering, laughing whenever the dog got a piece of the stunt guy. The stunt guy cursed at the dog, at the angels, and even at the skateboard for not going faster.
The stunt guy then had to run up a hill, but an angel was at the top rolling huge boulders down at him. The stunt guy dodged the boulders to keep from getting flattened, but then the angel started throwing stones at the stunt guy’s groin while he was dodging the boulders and running. A group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy, cheering and hollering, laughing whenever a stone hit the stunt guy in the nuts. The stunt guy cursed at the boulders, at the stones, at the angel throwing the stones, and even at the angels laughing at him.
An angel appeared next to St. Peter and seemed sympathetic toward the stunt guy as he looked over the obstacle course that had to be completed. “At this rate, he’ll never make it into the kingdom of Heaven,” the angel observed.
“He’s a Jackass,” St. Peter said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “To him, this is Heaven.”
*****
Yeah, we know this last one really isn’t a God joke, but it’s close enough, at least until we write another joke that’s actually about God.
For another God joke, see “Obama Plays Golf with God” in The Best Obama Jokes Ever!
Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand
Dysfunctional Literacy is supposed to be a comedy site, right? One book reviewer here got to make fun of Snookie’s(?) novel(?). Another pointed out the literary weaknesses of Tina Fey’s memoir. Somebody else mocked Sue Grafton’s alphabet mystery series. One of the reviewers here was even allowed to write a bunch of lame Moby Dick jokes. What do I get? A book about POWs getting tortured during World War II.
Don’t get me wrong. Unbroken is probably the best best-selling book I’ve read in a while. And, despite its subject, it’s not even a downer. I’m just miffed that I have to review a very serious book for a comedy blog, and if I don’t do it right, we lose our funding.
WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE TITLE?
I might not be allowed to make fun of the book, but can I at least mock the title a little bit? Please? That’s an eleven word title (nine if you count World War II as one word). It sounds like a term paper title turned in by a student trying desperately to impress a teacher. Unbroken would have been a perfect title by itself. If the publishers absolutely needed more, then they should have stopped at Survival. But no, they had to show off by adding alliteration with Redemption and Resiliency. Or was it Resiliency and Redemption?
For the record, I know “resiliency” isn’t a word, but I like to say and write it.
WHAT ABOUT A SYNOPSIS?
We don’t do synopses (synopsi? synopsises?) at Dysfunctional Literacy because you can get those from any other site that discusses or reviews books. We just tell you what we like and don’t like about the book, and we try to do it without giving away too much information.
HOW DO YOU WRITE ABOUT TORTURE?
The author, Laura Hillenbrand, had to be careful when writing about Japanese prison guard tactics. If she had described it too brutally, she would have made it difficult for some of the more sensitive of readers to continue. If she had sanitized it too much, readers would not have been able to grasp how difficult it was to survive.
Hillenbrand’s writing style left me with kind of a detached feeling as I read about the abuse. As bad as the conditions were described, I know in reality that the conditions were far worse. It’s almost impossible to convey in words what the Japanese soldiers did to civilians and prisoners during World War II. That’s why pictures from that time period are so important. But the author describes the conditions without getting too graphic and keeps most of it plot driven. The descriptions are graphic, but not gratuitous.
WHO ATE THE CHOCOLATE?
I know that as a mere blogger who has never served in the military, I don’t have any business second-guessing Louis Zamperini’s word about anything. I just think there is more to the chocolate story than what the book says.
If you’ve already read the book, you should know what I’m referring to. If you haven’t read the book, I’m not allowed to go any further because we don’t do spoilers here.
IS THE BOOK TOO LONG?
At 496 pages, this book is cutting it close. At Dysfunctional Literacy, we have a rule about not reading books over 500 pages long (with exceptions, of course). In the hands of another author, this book would have been overwrought and overlong, but 500 pages is close to perfect.
One section is about pre-war Louis. Then we have World War II Louis. Then we have post-war Louis (It’s not spoilers to let you know Louis survived World War II; otherwise, the title probably wouldn’t be Unbroken or have the word Survival in it.). That’s about 500 pages worth of material, and I never felt the urge to break out my red editing (Tom Clancy) pen.
The title might be too long, but the book isn’t. Is that irony?
THE CASE FOR READING UNBROKEN
It’s a story worth telling, and the story is told well. It’s a 500 page book that I never got bored with. It’s difficult to keep a dysfunctional literate interested for 500 pages. It’s also probably a sign of poor writing when you start four sentences in a row with the same word.
THE CASE FOR NOT READING UNBROKEN
Some readers might not care for the prisoner-of-war section of the book, which is long and graphic. You might have to be in a certain frame of mind to read this.
FINAL VERDICT
Reviews at one of the online bookselling sites give it a 5-star average, which at over 1200 reviews is very rare and impressive. I would give it four stars, a thumbs up, a yes, and a somewhat highly recommend.
Hey, for me, a chronic whiner about the lack of quality in today’s literature, that’s high!
Dysfunctional Literacy 