The Occupy Wall Street rallies had lots of weird stuff going on, but one of the craziest events involved a protestor having a bowel movement on a police car. The police officers didn’t appreciate this form of political speech, so they engaged in their own version of free expression with a combination of tasers, pepper spray, and a good old fashioned beating.
Once everybody had worked through their issues, the police officer asked the defecating demonstrator, “Why are you causing all this trouble?”
“Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” the pooping protestor chanted. “Wall Street greed has made jobs hard to find.”
“Then start your own business,” the police officer suggested.
“That’s what I’m doing,” the demonstrator said. “I just opened a car wash down the street, and I’m trying to get more customers.”
Previews of the new movie version of The Three Musketeers make it look like they’ve turned it into a John Wu /Matrix type of action movie. By doing this, the filmmakers seem to be going out of their way to make The Three Musketeers cool.
The thing is, The Three Musketeers doesn’t need Matrix/John Wu style fight scenes to be cool. The Three Musketeers are already cool. The Three Musketeers were the world’s first cool guys.
The Three Musketeers were cool before cool had been invented.
The Three Musketeers were so cool that the Rat Pack based themselves on the Three Musketeers.
Chuck Norris (and before him Steve McQueen) learned everything he knows about cool from the Three Musketeers.
Quentin Tarantino lifted all of his cool dialogue in Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction (“D’Artagnan, do you know what they call French fries in the New World?”) from The Three Musketeers.
The Three Musketeers had breakfast in a bastion at La Rochelle, for God’s sake! Nothing anybody can do from now until the end of time can be cooler than capturing a bastion and then having breakfast in it during a siege.
YES, I’M BELABORING THE POINT!
Cool guys don’t fight like they’re in John Wu movies; guys who want to be cool fight like they’re in John Wu movies.
YES, THE TIRADE HAS A POINT
Anybody who sees this latest version of The Three Musketeers and is inspired to read the novel will probably be disappointed in the classic. What’s the point of making a movie based on a classic novel if there’s no attempt to be anything like the classic novel? The filmmakers could have made a period piece movie about French political intrigue and given it a title that wasn’t The Three Musketeers.
I forgot. The Three Musketeers are so cool that they can still sell tickets to a (probably) bad remake.
Wow! Looking back, this tirade makes it sound like I care way more than I do.
TIRADE IS OVER
The following is a list of other movies that took waaaayyyy too many liberties with the classic novels that they’re based on, so much so that there are very few similarities. It’s not a complete list. It’s merely based on my own limited experience.
*****
The War of the Worlds
Tom Cruise is not in the novel, and we never get an up and close personal view of the aliens like he did in the most recent movie. H.G. Wells tends to be deep, and even his science fiction novels were very theme heavy. To be fair, no modern film maker is going to set War of the Worlds back in the early 1900’s, but it could be awesome if they did!
BEST TRICK EVER (to play on teenagers)!
- Tell kids about the Orson Welles radio program based on The War of the Worlds and explain how a bunch of listeners thought the radio program was real and started panicking.
- Listen to the kids as they make fun of people who panicked (probably calling them “dumb” or stupid”).
- A few minutes later tell the same kids that you just heard Justin Bieber is going out with Rebecca Black.
- Watch the kids as they react with disgust, disdain (or whatever probable negative reaction they have).
- Explain to the kids that they just fell for a vicious rumor without verifying it (just as the radio listeners automatically believed what they heard on a radio program).
- Laugh at the kids as they completely miss the connection.
Frankenstein
The Frankenstein monster in the novel is far scarier than the movies’ Frankensteins, but it’s tough to understand that because of Mary Shelley’s writing style. And whenever somebody tries to make a version of Frankenstein that is close to the novel, the audience always gets mad, and the movie tanks. Sorry, Mary Shelley, but Frankenstein’s monster has a flat head with a bunch of staples in it. And he’s not very introspective.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney animated version)
This has to be one of the most bizarre animated movies I’ve seen, with a happy ending (What?). I’d love to see what Disney would do with Othello, or Oedipus Rex, or Antigone. Victor Hugo is not for little kids.
The Last of the Mohicans
I can watch the last hour of this movie, and it always seems new. I can read the novel over and over again, and it always seems new… but for a different reason.
The movie doesn’t take that many liberties for Hollywood, but the movie is far more watchable than the movie is readable. Therefore, somebody trying to read the book after viewing the movie might toss the novel away in disgust. Not that I know (or am) anybody who’s done that.
Hollywood, I dare you to make a movie based on The Prairie. I double dog dare you.
I, Robot
Yet another movie where Will Smith says, “Ah, Hell no!” But at least none of his kids were in it.
Sherlock Holmes
The movie was very entertaining, but c’mon. Was that really Sherlock Holmes? I’m looking forward to Robert Downey Jr. in the Americanized version of David Copperfield.
Speaking of Robert Downey Jr….
Iron Man
Yeah, Iron Man is a comic book and not a classic (Maybe some of those Tales of Suspense comics were classic, but the Captain America stories were usually way better, except for that two-issue Iron Man vs. Submariner fight that crossed over into Tales to Astonish and…. Never mind). The point is that the first Iron Man movie was one of the BEST SUPERHERO MOVIES EVER, but Iron Man has almost always been a sucky comic book. Anybody reading an Iron Man comic book after seeing the first movie had to be disappointed.
WHAT ALMOST MADE THE LIST
Troy
The reason it’s not on the list is that Troy wasn’t that good of a movie (but had a few great scenes) so it didn’t make a lasting impression on anyone (except those who liked a seeing shirtless Brad Pitt with long hair). Also, it wasn’t called The Iliad.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
My closing thoughts were kind of boring (I was trying to praise the merits of reading classic literature, but it sounded insincere).
I suddenly feel like watching The Thin Man.
Maybe these jokes aren't as clean as "Why was 6 afraid of 7?" but they're still pretty clean. Image via Wikipedia
In this era of raunchy humor and cheap low brow laughs, a clean joke is hard to tell. Nowadays, it’s difficult to find hilarity in something that’s not an adult situation or a loud, messy body function. Clean jokes usually aren’t edgy. Clean jokes usually aren’t hip. Yet a BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER is relevant and deals with issues everybody can relate to without being polarizing. A BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER can still bring a nod of approval, and if you’re really lucky, an unexpected laugh. The following anecdotes might not be the funniest clean jokes ever, but they are some of the BEST CLEAN JOKES EVER!
COP BUSTS TEXTING DRIVER
Several states had made text messaging while driving a crime, so a police officer who needed to meet his quota sat in his squad car on a busy street watching for violators. He noticed an SUV speeding with a bunch of screaming teenagers jumping up and down without seat belts on in the back seat while the driver was texting with one hand on the steering wheel.
After he had pulled her over, the police officer said, “Ma’am, you were speeding. You have several kids in the back jumping and screaming without seat belts on. Why in the world were you texting at a time like this?”
“They couldn’t hear me yelling at them,” the driver said, exasperated. “So I was texting them to sit down and shut up.”
*****
AN iPHONE JOKE
*****
TEACHER GIVES STUDENTS ANSWERS ON STANDARDIZED TEST
It was standardized test time, and a public school teacher who was about to retire was administering the examination to her homeroom. The kids had just begun, and the teacher was emphasizing a couple very important points.
“Remember, I cannot help you with any answers,” she said. “I can only help you with the directions.” As she said this, she pointed to answer A on question #3 to several students.
“Remember to make your pencil marks dark and neat,” she continued, pointing to answer D on question #6 on several students’ answer sheets.
A test monitor peeking in from the hallway saw the retiring teacher and hurried into the classroom.
“Don’t help the students,” the monitor whispered. “With President Obama changing the No Child Left Behind law, we don’t have to cheat anymore to keep our jobs.”
“Help the students?” the retiring teacher said in a low voice. “These little monsters have given me so much grief this year, I’m giving them the wrong answers.”
A taxpayer was in an IRS office settling his bill and wasn’t very happy with the number the IRS agent showed him. The taxpayer said a few nasty things that would have gotten him arrested in many other government buildings, but the IRS agent was a patient man and let the taxpayer work through his stages of grief.
“I’ve had enough!” the taxpayer said. “I’m voting for Herman Cain. His 9-9-9 tax plan will put an end to this highway robbery. He’ll simplify the tax code with a 9 percent sales tax, a 9 percent income tax, and…”
“He’ll get 9 percent of the vote,” the IRS agent yawned. “There are too many accountants, lawyers, lobbyists, and government employees tied to the current 5-4-8-4-6 tax plan for it to ever be simplified.”
“5-4-8-4-6 tax plan? I’ve never heard of that,” the taxpayer said. “What does that number stand for?”
“The 5 stands for the 5 star service that the IRS provides. The 4 stands for April, the 8 stands for… aw, never mind,” the IRS agent said with a shrug. “5-4-8-4-6 stands for how many pages are in the tax code.”
First of all, reading is awesome. It’s what separates us from… uh, you know, people who don’t read. As strange as this sounds, there are people out there who can read but choose not to. They say they don’t like reading. Some say they hate it. If you’ve got a kid who hates reading, then you’ve got a kid who is probably going to struggle in school, and if you’ve got a kid who’s struggling in school, life itself can be a struggle. Therefore, if you have a child who (can read but) claims to hate reading, it’s in your best interests to change his (or her) attitude.
BAD SIMILE ALERT!
A reluctant reader is someone who is capable of reading but doesn’t like to. From my experience, reading is kind of like eating: everybody eats, but sometimes you don’t want to eat what’s on your plate. Some kids hate reading because the stuff that schools (or well-intentioned relatives) give them to read is like the literary equivalent of spinach (or broccoli, or asparagus, or any other healthy food that makes a normal kid wretch).
For example, a friend of mine in school years ago would refuse to read anything school related (or novels, or nonfiction, or anything anybody suggested), but this kid could memorize a TV Guide (back when they were pocket sized… ah, those were the days) after one reading, and he would absorb any comic book drawn by John Byrne (in the 1980’s, but this obsession eventually ended with Next Men and Danger Unlimited a decade later).
NO, I’M NOT AN EXPERT
I have no background that gives my advice any credibility. It’s just that we dysfunctional literates tend to get along with people who hate reading. We share the same interests (the ones that don’t involve reading), usually sports, video games, and popular culture.
I mean, I’m kind of an expert, but I don’t have any training or paperwork that declares me as an expert.
However, if you’re trying to encourage (or force) a reluctant reader to read, here are a few suggestions. Remember, none of these strategies are guaranteed to work, but they’re easy and cheap and not really time consuming.
READ NON-FICTION
Some reluctant readers hate the idea of reading fiction. Why waste time and energy reading about something that’s not even true? Instead of fighting this, see if your reluctant reader will read non-fiction.
For example, there are a bunch of books about how to make paper airplanes. Depending on your kid’s age, get a copy of a paper airplane book and see if your kid reads it, folds a bunch of paper planes, and zings them across the living room. If this happens, you may have found your solution. Get books where your child can read, follow directions, and build stuff at the same time. It might not be your kind of reading, but your reluctant reader is reading and doing something productive (in his/her mind) at the same time.
READ GRAPHIC NOVELS
These used to be called comic books, but graphic novels are bigger and sometimes are a bunch of comics collected in one book. The bad news is that these are expensive. The good news is that more libraries are starting to carry them. The bad news is that graphic novels get checked out quickly. The good news is that graphic novels can be pretty cheap on internet auction sites (without giving away free advertising) if you buy them in sets.
If you’re not sure what kind of graphic novels to purchase or borrow, here’s a quick rule: Girls tend to read graphic novels where women look classy and dress fashionably, and boys tend to read graphic novels where women carry weapons and dress slutty.
Yeah, you might want to read them first before you give them to your kids. It won’t take long.
MODEL GOOD BEHAVIOR
If you give your kid a book and say “Sit down and read” and then you drink a beer and watch tv… then your reluctant reader probably won’t read. Your best bet is to either read to/with the kid or read something next to the kid. You don’t have to always read the same thing your kid is reading, unless you like tossing paper airplanes or staring at anatomically disproportionate women gunning down bad guys. Your presence reading next to your reluctant reader may be enough to inspire him/her to read for a while.
And if you manage to have a discussion about what the two of you have read… Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOKS
Some people need to hear information to understand it, and if your reluctant reader is an “audio learner,” an audio book may interest your kid. Personally, I despise audio books because the reader usually has a different interpretation of the words than I do (and I’m right, and the reader always gets it wrong, even when the reader is a trained professional or the author), but kids who hate reading fiction don’t normally have their own interpretations, so that shouldn’t be an issue. It might be worth a try, especially if you want to “share” a literary experience with your reluctant reader.
READ CLOSED CAPTIONING ON TELEVISION
Mute the television and read some tv. Yeah, this will really tick off your kid, but you might want to first try it with a show that your kid has seen several times. Kids watch stuff over and over (and a lot of the kid’s channels run the same stuff over and over), so if your reluctant reader has a particular show almost memorized, make them mute it. This is really helpful when the show has annoying background music (which most kids/teen shows do). You can have a temporarily peaceful house while your kid reads television.
Warning!!! Don’t try this with live programming because the spelling on the captioning is horrible, and that can frustrate a reluctant reader (unless the reluctant reader thinks it’s funny).
GREAT BOOKS TO OFFER
If you are absolutely set on giving your reluctant reader fiction to read, here is an article (written for Dysfunctional Literacy, of course) that offers some suggestions for teenagers: “Best YA Books for Young Adults Who Hate to Read” https://dysfunctionalliteracy.com/2011/09/26/best-ya-books-for-young-adults-who-hate-to-read/
A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER can apply to almost any president or politician, so nobody’s feelings have to get hurt. Image via Wikipedia
The phrase “political humor” is either redundant or an oxymoron. The stakes involved in the political process are often very serious, but the people involved are such idiots (or act like such idiots) that they turn what should be a drama into a situation comedy. Telling jokes about politics can be a gamble because an Obama joke can offend a Democrat, or a Sarah Palin joke can tick off a Republican. A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER is one that will not end a friendship or start a nasty ad hominem contest. The following jokes may not be the funniest political jokes ever, but they are some of the BEST POLITICAL JOKES EVER!
*****
SHOULD I BECOME A REPUBLICAN OR A DEMOCRAT?
A bunch of college guys were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity smooth talker made an announcement.
“I have decided what I am going to do after college,” the smooth talker declared. “I am going to become a politician.”
The other frat guys nodded, since the smooth talker had shown little aptitude for anything except an amazing ability to convince women to give him stuff for nothing in return (except momentary affection and empty promises).
“Now that I have chosen my career, I must choose my political party,” the smooth talker continued. “Should I become a republican or a democrat? I don’t even know the difference between the two.”
“There isn’t a difference,” said the fraternity hunk, who was a libertarian. “The only difference between republicans and democrats is that most republicans at least know that their candidates suck.”
“That is a shallow way of delineating the differences between republicans and democrats,” the frat intellectual said. “It depends on where you stand on a number of issues. What do you think about the economy, the deficit, the national debt, health care, gas prices, national defense, and the environment?”
“Babes,” the smooth talker said. “Which party has more babes?”
“Women tend to vote democrat a bit more than they do republican,” the intellectual responded. “But that’s not a valid reason to…”
“Then a democrat I shall be!” the smooth talker proclaimed, cutting off the intellectual. “I shall represent women, and minorities, and the poor in their struggles against the oppressors in this country.”
“But you are the oppressor,” the hunk said, puzzled. “You treat women like dirt in your personal life. You voted the poor students out of this fraternity because they couldn’t pay their dues. You tell the vilest racist jokes I’ve ever heard. And you say you want to help these people?”
“I am a politician,” the smooth talker said with a wink. “Just because I say I want to help women, minorities, and the poor doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them.”
And with that, the smooth talker stepped out of the frat house to begin his political career.
The hunk was furious, but the intellectual couldn’t figure out why.
“You always thought the smooth talker’s antics were funny when he got women to pay his way for everything,” the intellectual said. “What has changed?”
“I just got hired by a huge corporation,” the hunk explained. “Now that he’s a politician, it’s guys like me that will have to pay his way for everything.”
*****
GOD TELLS POLITICIAN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
A politician died and found himself in heaven (okay, you already know this isn’t a true story), but instead of being grateful, the politician demanded to speak directly to God.
“God!” the politician ranted. “You told me to run for president, and it was the worst decision in my life. I looked stupid in the debates. All my mistakes in my past were made public. I was humiliated, and my political career was turned into a national joke. How could you give me bad advice like that?”
“It is not your place to judge my advice,” God said. “When I told you to be honest, you did not listen. When I told you not to sexually harass women, you did not listen. When I told you not to accept bribes, you did not listen. When I told you not to drink, you did not listen. The only time you listened to me was when I told you to run for president.”
The politician was dejected. “I cannot believe that God lied to me,” the politician muttered, not seeing the irony in his remarks.
“I did not lie to you,” God said. “I told you to run for president. I never said that you would win.”
*****
POLITICIAN GETS STUMPED AT DEBATE
Two major presidential candidates (a Democrat incumbent and a Republican challenger) were performing at the first of three major debates, and both candidates were blaming each other for the national debt, high unemployment numbers, the bad economy, foreign policy problems, and anything else they could think of. The moderator decided to lighten the mood by asking the question that most candidates dread:
“What is the nicest thing you can say about your political opponent?”
The Democrat had to answer first and seemed to have an answer prepared. “My opponent is a wonderful family man, a great father, and even though we disagree on many things, I know he is an honorable man and loves this country very much.”
The Republican was stumped because the Democrat president had just used the exact same answer that he himself had prepared for the question, and an awkward silence settled upon the auditorium. Finally, the Republican took a deep breath and said, “My opponent is the best golfer I have ever played against.”
The audience gasped, Republican aides threw their hands up in frustration, and analysts wondered if this was the critical gaffe that would give the Democrat the edge in the election.
After the debate, the Republican’s chief aide said, “What were you thinking? After all those wonderful things he said about you, that’s the best you can come up with?”
“You don’t know the president like I do,” the Republican said. “From his point of view, calling him a great golfer is the best compliment you can give him.”
A hiker was passing through a Midwestern town when he noticed a small protest outside the local City Hall. Curious, the hiker stopped at the gathering and asked a few of the young adults holding signs what was going on.
“We’re protesting Wall Street,” one youth said. “It’s their greed that caused this recession, and it’s their fault I can’t find a job. We’re coordinating protests like this nationwide to show our support for those who stand up to Wall Street.”
“You call this a protest?” the hiker said, looking at the dozens of people meandering in front of television cameras. “This isn’t a protest. This is hanging out on a nice day.”
Before the protestors could get upset, the hiker continued, but with more passion. “It’s not truly a protest if the people you’re speaking out against don’t notice you, and the Wall Street robber barons don’t care about a few street gatherings in Pleasantville. If you want Wall Street to notice you, you need to go to Wall Street, get into people’s faces, and shut that city down.”
“But we’re unemployed,” a protestor said. “We can’t afford to even go to Wall Street.”
“That’s never stopped me,” the hiker said, with great righteousness. “I’m unemployed, and I went to Europe to protest America’s illegal wars. I went to Wisconsin to protest budget cuts. I went to Washington D.C. to protest Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I’ve had to travel many miles in my short life, but I’ve always found a way to get around the world to speak out against injustice.”
The protestors were amazed by this young hiker. “How do you manage to travel the world to protest if you have no job?” they asked.
The hiker shrugged and said casually, “My dad’s a Wall Street banker.”
A white person was in a public place listening to two black people talking. The two African-Americans were saying (the n-word) in a casual fashion, calling each other (the n-word), referring to other people as (n-words), and even once calling an inanimate object (the n-word).
After eavesdropping for a few minutes, the white person finally asked, “Why is it okay for the two of you to say (the n-word), but it’s not okay for me to say (the n-word)? Don’t you think that’s a double standard?”
“No,” one of the black people said. “When we say (the n-word), we know exactly what we mean. When you say (the n-word), we don’t know exactly what you mean by it.”
“Why would you want to say (the n-word) anyway?” the other African-American said. “There is no good reason for a white person to say (the n-word) unless that’s what you really feel about us. Do you want to say (the n-word) to us?”
“No, of course not,” the white person responded. “I would never actually say…uh, that. You know, some of my best friends are… uh, I mean, I even voted for…. uh, I regularly give money to… uh…”
After the white person hurriedly left, the first black person said, “He might be right. Maybe we shouldn’t say (the n-word) to each other if we don’t want white people to say it anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?” the other African-American said. “After what white people have done to us over the last 400 years, this is the least we can do.”
A major terrorist publication was looking to hire a new American editor after a U.S. drone had killed its previous one. A U.S. citizen trying to make it big in the writing profession (without having to spend all his time blogging, tweeting, and Facebooking) agreed to interview for the position, and he flew into Yemen to explain how he would make changes to increase the terrorist magazine’s circulation.
“First of all,” the American interviewee said, “we need to change the focus of our feature columns. Articles like “Best Holidays to Blow up Public Buildings” only appeal to a small segment of the population. If you want to attract a greater percentage of impressionable males, you need articles like “72 Ways to be Pleased by a Virgin” or “Top Ten Must-See Porn Flicks” or “Bang for your Buck: Best Eastern European Strip Clubs!”
The (temporary, though he didn’t know it) terrorist leader agreed with the American’s suggestions, and soon the American was hired. When the American editor told his parents about his new job, they were concerned.
“If you’re successful,” his parents said, “the U.S. government will send drones out to kill you.”
“That’s why I’m writing about strippers and porn,” the new American editor replied. “Even more terrorists will read my magazine, and nobody in the U.S. government will want to kill me.”
Two innocent guys in prison sat next to each other in the waiting room of the warden’s office. One was an innocent guy serving a life sentence, and the other innocent guy was on death row. Meeting a death row inmate was a rare opportunity for the lifer, so the lifer struck up a conversation.
“I wish I was on death row,” the innocent lifer said. “You’ve got high profile lawyers trying to exonerate you. People stand outside the prison grounds praying for you. Books are written about you. Songs are sung about you. Celebrities want to meet you. Women want to sleep with you. Foundations are named after you. You even get cool glasses to make you look like a normal person to the public.”
“What?” the innocent death row inmate replied, getting fidgety.
“Nobody cares about me,” the innocent lifer continued. “I’m going to waste away in prison for 50 or 60 years until I die, and no famous lawyers are going to look into my case. Nobody’s making a movie about me. No women want to sleep with me, except that guy who wears a wig a few cells from me.”
“How can you make jokes about this?” the death row inmate asked. His face turned red, his forehead beaded with sweat, and his voice almost cracked as he spoke. “If the Supreme Court doesn’t hear my case, I’m going to be executed in a few days, and I’ll be killed for a crime I didn’t commit.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the lifer said, suddenly feeling a bit awkward. “I didn’t realize you were really innocent.”
