A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER can apply to almost any president or politician, so nobody’s feelings have to get hurt. Image via Wikipedia
The phrase “political humor” is either redundant or an oxymoron. The stakes involved in the political process are often very serious, but the people involved are such idiots (or act like such idiots) that they turn what should be a drama into a situation comedy. Telling jokes about politics can be a gamble because an Obama joke can offend a Democrat, or a Sarah Palin joke can tick off a Republican. A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER is one that will not end a friendship or start a nasty ad hominem contest. The following jokes may not be the funniest political jokes ever, but they are some of the BEST POLITICAL JOKES EVER!
*****
SHOULD I BECOME A REPUBLICAN OR A DEMOCRAT?
A bunch of college guys were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity smooth talker made an announcement.
“I have decided what I am going to do after college,” the smooth talker declared. “I am going to become a politician.”
The other frat guys nodded, since the smooth talker had shown little aptitude for anything except an amazing ability to convince women to give him stuff for nothing in return (except momentary affection and empty promises).
“Now that I have chosen my career, I must choose my political party,” the smooth talker continued. “Should I become a republican or a democrat? I don’t even know the difference between the two.”
“There isn’t a difference,” said the fraternity hunk, who was a libertarian. “The only difference between republicans and democrats is that most republicans at least know that their candidates suck.”
“That is a shallow way of delineating the differences between republicans and democrats,” the frat intellectual said. “It depends on where you stand on a number of issues. What do you think about the economy, the deficit, the national debt, health care, gas prices, national defense, and the environment?”
“Babes,” the smooth talker said. “Which party has more babes?”
“Women tend to vote democrat a bit more than they do republican,” the intellectual responded. “But that’s not a valid reason to…”
“Then a democrat I shall be!” the smooth talker proclaimed, cutting off the intellectual. “I shall represent women, and minorities, and the poor in their struggles against the oppressors in this country.”
“But you are the oppressor,” the hunk said, puzzled. “You treat women like dirt in your personal life. You voted the poor students out of this fraternity because they couldn’t pay their dues. You tell the vilest racist jokes I’ve ever heard. And you say you want to help these people?”
“I am a politician,” the smooth talker said with a wink. “Just because I say I want to help women, minorities, and the poor doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them.”
And with that, the smooth talker stepped out of the frat house to begin his political career.
The hunk was furious, but the intellectual couldn’t figure out why.
“You always thought the smooth talker’s antics were funny when he got women to pay his way for everything,” the intellectual said. “What has changed?”
“I just got hired by a huge corporation,” the hunk explained. “Now that he’s a politician, it’s guys like me that will have to pay his way for everything.”
*****
GOD TELLS POLITICIAN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
A politician died and found himself in heaven (okay, you already know this isn’t a true story), but instead of being grateful, the politician demanded to speak directly to God.
“God!” the politician ranted. “You told me to run for president, and it was the worst decision in my life. I looked stupid in the debates. All my mistakes in my past were made public. I was humiliated, and my political career was turned into a national joke. How could you give me bad advice like that?”
“It is not your place to judge my advice,” God said. “When I told you to be honest, you did not listen. When I told you not to sexually harass women, you did not listen. When I told you not to accept bribes, you did not listen. When I told you not to drink, you did not listen. The only time you listened to me was when I told you to run for president.”
The politician was dejected. “I cannot believe that God lied to me,” the politician muttered, not seeing the irony in his remarks.
“I did not lie to you,” God said. “I told you to run for president. I never said that you would win.”
*****
POLITICIAN GETS STUMPED AT DEBATE
Two major presidential candidates (a Democrat incumbent and a Republican challenger) were performing at the first of three major debates, and both candidates were blaming each other for the national debt, high unemployment numbers, the bad economy, foreign policy problems, and anything else they could think of. The moderator decided to lighten the mood by asking the question that most candidates dread:
“What is the nicest thing you can say about your political opponent?”
The Democrat had to answer first and seemed to have an answer prepared. “My opponent is a wonderful family man, a great father, and even though we disagree on many things, I know he is an honorable man and loves this country very much.”
The Republican was stumped because the Democrat president had just used the exact same answer that he himself had prepared for the question, and an awkward silence settled upon the auditorium. Finally, the Republican took a deep breath and said, “My opponent is the best golfer I have ever played against.”
The audience gasped, Republican aides threw their hands up in frustration, and analysts wondered if this was the critical gaffe that would give the Democrat the edge in the election.
After the debate, the Republican’s chief aide said, “What were you thinking? After all those wonderful things he said about you, that’s the best you can come up with?”
“You don’t know the president like I do,” the Republican said. “From his point of view, calling him a great golfer is the best compliment you can give him.”
A hiker was passing through a Midwestern town when he noticed a small protest outside the local City Hall. Curious, the hiker stopped at the gathering and asked a few of the young adults holding signs what was going on.
“We’re protesting Wall Street,” one youth said. “It’s their greed that caused this recession, and it’s their fault I can’t find a job. We’re coordinating protests like this nationwide to show our support for those who stand up to Wall Street.”
“You call this a protest?” the hiker said, looking at the dozens of people meandering in front of television cameras. “This isn’t a protest. This is hanging out on a nice day.”
Before the protestors could get upset, the hiker continued, but with more passion. “It’s not truly a protest if the people you’re speaking out against don’t notice you, and the Wall Street robber barons don’t care about a few street gatherings in Pleasantville. If you want Wall Street to notice you, you need to go to Wall Street, get into people’s faces, and shut that city down.”
“But we’re unemployed,” a protestor said. “We can’t afford to even go to Wall Street.”
“That’s never stopped me,” the hiker said, with great righteousness. “I’m unemployed, and I went to Europe to protest America’s illegal wars. I went to Wisconsin to protest budget cuts. I went to Washington D.C. to protest Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I’ve had to travel many miles in my short life, but I’ve always found a way to get around the world to speak out against injustice.”
The protestors were amazed by this young hiker. “How do you manage to travel the world to protest if you have no job?” they asked.
The hiker shrugged and said casually, “My dad’s a Wall Street banker.”
A white person was in a public place listening to two black people talking. The two African-Americans were saying (the n-word) in a casual fashion, calling each other (the n-word), referring to other people as (n-words), and even once calling an inanimate object (the n-word).
After eavesdropping for a few minutes, the white person finally asked, “Why is it okay for the two of you to say (the n-word), but it’s not okay for me to say (the n-word)? Don’t you think that’s a double standard?”
“No,” one of the black people said. “When we say (the n-word), we know exactly what we mean. When you say (the n-word), we don’t know exactly what you mean by it.”
“Why would you want to say (the n-word) anyway?” the other African-American said. “There is no good reason for a white person to say (the n-word) unless that’s what you really feel about us. Do you want to say (the n-word) to us?”
“No, of course not,” the white person responded. “I would never actually say…uh, that. You know, some of my best friends are… uh, I mean, I even voted for…. uh, I regularly give money to… uh…”
After the white person hurriedly left, the first black person said, “He might be right. Maybe we shouldn’t say (the n-word) to each other if we don’t want white people to say it anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?” the other African-American said. “After what white people have done to us over the last 400 years, this is the least we can do.”
A major terrorist publication was looking to hire a new American editor after a U.S. drone had killed its previous one. A U.S. citizen trying to make it big in the writing profession (without having to spend all his time blogging, tweeting, and Facebooking) agreed to interview for the position, and he flew into Yemen to explain how he would make changes to increase the terrorist magazine’s circulation.
“First of all,” the American interviewee said, “we need to change the focus of our feature columns. Articles like “Best Holidays to Blow up Public Buildings” only appeal to a small segment of the population. If you want to attract a greater percentage of impressionable males, you need articles like “72 Ways to be Pleased by a Virgin” or “Top Ten Must-See Porn Flicks” or “Bang for your Buck: Best Eastern European Strip Clubs!”
The (temporary, though he didn’t know it) terrorist leader agreed with the American’s suggestions, and soon the American was hired. When the American editor told his parents about his new job, they were concerned.
“If you’re successful,” his parents said, “the U.S. government will send drones out to kill you.”
“That’s why I’m writing about strippers and porn,” the new American editor replied. “Even more terrorists will read my magazine, and nobody in the U.S. government will want to kill me.”
Two innocent guys in prison sat next to each other in the waiting room of the warden’s office. One was an innocent guy serving a life sentence, and the other innocent guy was on death row. Meeting a death row inmate was a rare opportunity for the lifer, so the lifer struck up a conversation.
“I wish I was on death row,” the innocent lifer said. “You’ve got high profile lawyers trying to exonerate you. People stand outside the prison grounds praying for you. Books are written about you. Songs are sung about you. Celebrities want to meet you. Women want to sleep with you. Foundations are named after you. You even get cool glasses to make you look like a normal person to the public.”
“What?” the innocent death row inmate replied, getting fidgety.
“Nobody cares about me,” the innocent lifer continued. “I’m going to waste away in prison for 50 or 60 years until I die, and no famous lawyers are going to look into my case. Nobody’s making a movie about me. No women want to sleep with me, except that guy who wears a wig a few cells from me.”
“How can you make jokes about this?” the death row inmate asked. His face turned red, his forehead beaded with sweat, and his voice almost cracked as he spoke. “If the Supreme Court doesn’t hear my case, I’m going to be executed in a few days, and I’ll be killed for a crime I didn’t commit.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the lifer said, suddenly feeling a bit awkward. “I didn’t realize you were really innocent.”
Justice Anthony Kennedy: “That Obama health care bill is… how long again?” Image via Wikipedia
United States Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy was in a foul mood, and two of his aides knew why.
“It’s that health care law that the Supreme Court is going to rule on,” one aide said to the other. “The other eight Justices already know how they’re going to vote before they’ve even heard the case. The four conservative Justices will say that President Obama’s health care law is unconstitutional, and the four liberals will decide that it’s fine, and that leaves Justice Kennedy as the deciding vote.”
“No wonder the pressure’s getting to him,” the other aide said in awe. “He’s the one man who will singlehandedly decide the fate of the entire country.”
“That’s not what’s getting to him,” the first aide corrected, but with equal awe. “He’s the one man in this country who will actually have to read the entire health care bill.”
A Greek guy walked into a bar and ordered a drink. Unfortunately, the Greek guy was broke, and the bartender knew it, but the bartender served him anyway because he didn’t want the Greek to throw a fit and start a riot.
Then an American guy, tired after a day of protecting huddled masses yearning to breathe free, making the world safe for democracy, and maybe (according to some) engaging in a few illegal wars, entered the bar and ordered a drink.
Unfortunately, the America guy was broke, and the bartender knew it, but after a quick discussion, he served the American.
When the Greek heard that the American guy was broke, he started laughing.
“What are you laughing at?” the American said. Normally, he’d be ready to fight, except now he was too tired and spread too thin to care that much.
“I think it’s funny that you’re broke,” the Greek said.
“You’re broke too,” the American said, puzzled.
“Yes, we’re both broke,” the Greek responded, “but you work a lot harder than I do.”
It was standardized test time, and a public school teacher who was about to retire was administering the examination to her homeroom. The kids had just begun, and the teacher was emphasizing a couple very important points.
“Remember, I cannot help you with any answers,” she said. “I can only help you with the directions.” As she said this, she pointed to answer A on question #3 to several students.
“Remember to make your pencil marks dark and neat,” she continued, pointing to answer D on question #6 on several students’ answer sheets.
A test monitor peeking in from the hallway saw the retiring teacher and hurried into the classroom.
“Don’t help the students,” the monitor whispered. “With President Obama changing the No Child Left Behind law, we don’t have to cheat anymore to keep our jobs.”
“Help the students?” the retiring teacher said in a low voice. “These little turds have given me so much grief this year, I’m giving them the wrong answers.”
NCAA President Mark Emmert was speaking to major-college athletic directors when he announced that a one-year moratorium of conference realignment would go into effect at the end of the 2011 football season.
“This has gotten out of control,” Emmert said. “The Big 10 has 12 teams, and the Big 12 has 10 teams, and next year the Big 12 will have 9 teams. The Pacific 12 has midwestern teams. It’s gotten to the point where college conferences can’t count and don’t know their geography.”
Emmert continued. “Teams from the Big 12 are trying to get into the SEC, Big 10, and PAC-12. Big East teams are going into the ACC. Teams from the Mountain West are going into the WAC, or teams from the WAC are going into the Mountain West. The Big 12 is trying to get teams from the WAC, Mountain West, and Conference USA. Several conferences are on the verge of turning into 16-team super-conferences, and the idea of super-conferences is giving me a super headache.”
“Do you really think a one year moratorium will calm everything down?” an athletic director asked.
“It’ll calm me down,” Emmert fumed. “I’ll need a year just to figure out what conference everybody’s in.”
Reading might be overrated. Not the ability to read, but reading for entertainment, reading just for the sake of reading. To most literate people (even dysfunctional literates), we might look at somebody who doesn’t enjoy reading and pity them for all the wonderful experiences they have missed. A reluctant reader (somebody who hates reading) would in turn look upon us literates and pity us for all the experiences we’ve missed because we’ve been wasting our time reading.
Since people don’t like to do what they don’t enjoy doing (that made sense when I first thought it), people who don’t enjoy reading aren’t going to read just for the heck of it, especially teens (or Young Adults, as book sellers categorize them). But sometimes we can force Young Adults to do things they don’t want to do (school, chores, music lessons), and reading is sometimes one of those battles that parents choose to fight with reluctant readers.
A reluctant reader is not the same as a dysfunctional literate. A reluctant reader can read but doesn’t like it. A dysfunctional literate likes to read but might have really bad taste.
Trying to get a kid who hates reading to read on his own is probably a losing battle. But if you’re absolutely determined to get a reluctant teen (Young Adult) to read, then here are a few books you might want to try.
WARNING! These aren’t necessarily the best YA books out there, but these are books that might interest a teenager who hates to (but can) read. Also, this is an incomplete list because I’m sure that there are other books out there that can be added; I just haven’t read them or seen reluctant readers read them.
BEST BOOKS TO GIVE TEENS WHO ARE RELUCTANT READERS
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton- Pony Boy, Soda Pop, and Darry live on! Every kid sympathizes with the greasers, even kids who are Socs but don’t realize it.
Full Tilt by Neal Shusterman- An amusement park of death. And a baseball cap with an extended middle finger. And a humorous reference to Moby Dick that doesn’t make fun of the name Moby Dick. This book borders on brilliant.
Gym Candy by Carl Deuker- High school, football, and steroids. It’s not a classic by any stretch, but a lot of boys who don’t like to read will read it.
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger- Just enough cuss words and attitude to keep a kid interested.
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins- For girls. Yeah, it’s violent, but it’s well-written and has a point, and at least it has nothing to do with vampires.
Different Seasons by Stephen King- It’s not meant to be YA literature, and it’s wildly inappropriate for teens, but boys like the short story “The Body,” and it’s even better if they think they’re not supposed to read it. There’s a story within the story with vomit, lots and lots of vomit. Teens who hate reading love reading about vomit.
WORST BOOKS TO GIVE KIDS WHO HATE READING
Harry Potter and the…– Reluctant readers hate Harry Potter. The books are too long, and Harry’s time is over.
Any classic literature- Yes, these stories are timeless and treasures, but for most reluctant readers, there is never a good time to read a classic. They’re long and boring (from a reluctant reader’s point of view), and even when they’re not boring, they’re written in a boring way that makes non-boring things boring.
Any abridged classic- Yeah, your intentions are good, but the abridged versions are just as boring and will collect just as much dust as the originals.
For boys, any book written by a girl, about a girl, or has a girl on the cover (unless it’s one of… those kinds… of books).
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand- Great book to give as a gag gift before handing out the latest Call of Duty game to a teen that hates reading. Also a great way to see how a reluctant reader handles disappointment.
FINAL NOTE
If you’re trying to get a teenager who hates reading to read any of our suggested books, remember, there is no guarantee of success. Also remember, there are other important skills the kid might have that you can encourage or exploit, like rigging free cable or fixing the car. Some of those skills might be more valuable than reading just for the enjoyment of it.
Dysfunctional Literacy 