A family was gathered in front of the television watching a football game on New Year’s Eve when a wide receiver made a spectacular catch and the announcer kept talking about the football player’s athleticism.
“ ‘Athleticism’s’ not a word!” the father yelled at the television. “It’s ‘athletic ability,’ you dumb jock!”
“That’s it!” the mother declared. “I can’t stand it when you yell at the television like that. They can’t hear you! Do you understand that? They… can’t… hear… you!!!!”
The father was stunned into silence.
“It’s New Year’s Eve,” the mother said. “I want your New Year’s Resolution to be to quit yelling at the television.”
The father thought for a moment. “Does that mean I don’t have to try to lose weight this year?”
“Yes!” the wife proclaimed. “Just stop talking back to the television.”
“Okay,” the father agreed. “My New Year’s resolution this year is to stop talking to, yelling at, or making comments to the television.”
The next morning was New Year’s Day, and the father was watching a parade. He hated parades, but the kids loved them, so he got up and found his wife in the kitchen.
“Those stupid New Year’s Day parades are on,” he said to his wife. “I hate those stupid New Year’s Day parades.”
That afternoon as he was watching football games, his favorite team blew a fourth quarter lead. Instead of yelling at the television, he found his wife reading in another room.
“Those losers found another way to blow a game,” he yelled at his wife. “I swear I’m going to stop supporting them.”
That evening as he was watching the news, he got angry when deficit and debt projections continued to skyrocket.
Instead of screaming at the television, he discovered his wife in the basement organizing boxes.
“Why are they surprised this country’s in debt?” he ranted toward his wife. “I’ve been telling these crooks for decades that they can’t spend money we don’t have without bankrupting us. But do they ever listen to me? Noooooo!”
When the father went back upstairs to fume at the television, their son noticed his mother’ facial expression of despair.
“What’s wrong?” the son asked, concerned.
“I can’t stand him bugging me like this all the time,” the mother complained. “And I have to wait 364 more days before I can ask him to stop.”
Yes, Borders, there may be a way for brick and mortar stores to survive... and maybe even to thrive! Image via Wikipedia
A book buyer stepped into Brick & Mortar Booksellers with her smart phone in hand and approached a BM Bookseller associate.
“Where can I find The Walking Dead books that the television show is based on?” the buyer asked.
The BM associate walked the buyer to the graphic novel section of the store where the buyer promptly price checked the books on her Amazon app and added the first ten volumes to her Amazon cart.
“I saved 15% by purchasing these books on Amazon,” the buyer said giddily. “Where can I find The Hunger Games trilogy?”
The BM associate escorted the buyer to the young adult section, where the buyer again price checked the books on her app and purchased the books from Amazon on her phone. By the time she was done, the BM associate had walked the buyer through four different sections and the buyer had purchased twenty books on Amazon.
“Would you care to buy anything here?” the BM associate asked drolly. “Perhaps a muffin from the café?”
“No,” the buyer proudly replied. “I saved 20% by purchasing all these books on Amazon, and even with free shipping, I’ll receive my books tomorrow.”
The buyer left BM Booksellers without even thanking the associate, but when the buyer stepped out to the parking lot, she discovered that her car was gone.
Frantic, she rushed back into BM Booksellers and screamed, “My car has been stolen!!”
“No, ma’am,” the associate said calmly. “Your car has not been stolen. It has been towed.”
“But why did you tow my car?” the book buyer asked, perturbed.
“Because the sign in the parking lot clearly states that the spots are for BM Bookseller customers only.”
“But… but… but… that’s not fair,” the buyer stammered.
“Maybe not,” the associate said. “But if you download the BM Booksellers app to your smart phone, you’ll save 20% on your tow.”
*****
If I owned a traditional bookstore, I probably wouldn’t try this unless I had a really good lawyer.
As most book buyers already understand, Amazon has a few advantages over the more traditional brick & mortar book stores. Amazon customers don’t have to pay sales taxes. Amazon pays for much less leasing space, and they probably don’t have to pay as many employees. Since all these advantages have to do with money, Amazon can give better deals than traditional book stores and still make money (and I haven’t even included the money they make off the Kindle). How can traditional book stores beat Amazon with so much working against them?
First of all, by “beat Amazon” I really mean “compete with Amazon without going out of business.” I’m not sure BM booksellers can beat Amazon unless they can get lawmakers to collect sales taxes on internet sales, and I bet internet stores like Amazon and ebay have awesome lobbyists, so good luck with that.
FULL DISCLOSURE!
I have never owned a business. I work a full time job where I am bossed around a lot, so I probably have no idea what I am talking about from a business point of view. All of my advice comes from my own buying habits. I buy a lot of books and figure my habits probably aren’t unusual.
MORE FULL DISCLOSURE!
I have a Kindle and like it. I purchase books from Amazon, but I also buy books at traditional bookstores, so I’m not writing this column in an attempt to take down, “occupy,” or destroy Amazon.
Here are a few things that traditional book stores can do (if they’re not already doing them).
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF NICHE CATEGORIES
Amazon can sell books, but they can’t provide atmosphere and they can’t physically surround the buyers with the stuff they love. Some niche readers (children’s book and YA literature readers, comic collectors, sports fanatics, mystery lovers, sci-fi fanboys, historians, science geeks, music freaks) love to be surrounded with books, posters, and other paraphernalia about their hobbies and love to talk to sales people who (pretend to) share their passions.
A traditional book store can’t cover each niche equally, but a perceptive store owner can figure out what the book buyers in that community like and provide it in a way Amazon can’t.
SELL LOTS OF CHEAP PAPERBACKS AND USED BOOKS
I’m the opposite of many Amazon buyers. Instead of using the traditional book store to decide what books to buy on Amazon, I sometimes use Amazon to decide what books to buy at the traditional book store. I’ll browse through Amazon until I stumble upon an author I’ve never heard of and then read reviews of several book titles. Then I’ll head to the book store (sometimes a used book store) and buy a bunch of paperbacks for a few bucks each.
Yes, Amazon offers used stuff, but a lot of it is through independent sellers, and you have to deal with shipping prices, inconsistent packaging, and inaccurate descriptions of items. When it comes to cheap paperbacks and used books, a traditional book store should have an advantage over Amazon.
HIRE REALLY HOT CHICKS WITH CLEAVAGE
If she worked at BM Booksellers, a lot of guys would never shop at Amazon again! Image via Wikipedia
If a store owner needs to bring in more customers instantly, nothing increases business traffic more than hot women with cleavage. Everybody likes hot women with cleavage (except maybe other hot women with cleavage). I guess what I’m trying to say to book store owners is… hire some really hot women with cleavage.
Guys that don’t even read much will go to a book store if there are enough hot women with cleavage working there. It could be like Hooters, only with books. Instead of serving buffalo wings, the hot chick associates could do dramatic readings of books. Have a hot chick with cleavage dramatically interpret fine literature like Fear of Flying, and the store will be packed (or maybe shut down by authorities).
Amazon is tough to beat when it comes to books that a lot of people are looking for. But a hot woman with cleavage can convince guys to purchase books they otherwise wouldn’t buy, and Amazon would have a tough time doing that. Amazon might have hot women with cleavage working there, but their skills are wasted because guys can’t see them.
I’m not saying that my suggestions will save a book store that’s about to go under, but these strategies would allow a traditional book store to take advantage of Amazon’s weaknesses, and I’m sure that there are a bunch of other things I didn’t think of. Remember, it took Amazon years to make a profit, so their business model isn’t perfect. There are weaknesses that can be exploited, and it’s up to the traditional brick and mortar book stores to find (and exploit) those weaknesses.
Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman by Robert K. Massie
IT’S OKAY TO ADMIT A BOOK IS BORING.
C’mon, professional reviewers, admit it! You thought the first 100 pages of Catherine the Great were boring. You probably won’t because to admit that you were bored would make you look shallow, but it’s better to be shallow than a liar (it’s really bad to be both), so be honest about it.
It’s not the author’s fault. Catherine the Great’s life for a long time was boring. Even Catherine the Great was bored with her life for a long time. When you’re writing about somebody who had a boring phase in life, it’s difficult to make that boring time period interesting. However, once the boring part of Catherine the Great’s life is over, the biography gets much more interesting.
ROBERT AND CATHERINE SITTING IN A TREE!
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
I kind of get the feeling that the author Robert K. Massie likes Catherine the Great a little too much. He dismisses bad intentions for some of the more controversial decisions or events of her reign. When Peter and Ivan were murdered, Massie theorizes that Catherine hadn’t planned for them (the murders) to happen. Um, okay. When Catherine forces a former lover to become a political pawn against his will, Massie has no analysis of Catherine’s personality to explain this. When Catherine intentionally starts a (what would now be called an illegal) war with Turkey, it is all told as matter of fact. The only real insight into Catherine’s motivations was when Catherine chose to do nothing (or little) to help the serfs in Russia.
The tragedy (too strong a word) is that Catherine the Great would have no interest in Robert K. Massie. She might recognize him as a notable biographer and send him some complimentary letters that discuss philosophy, but she would never take him for a lover. She preferred strong men, nice looking (by 18th century Russian standards), and accomplished. Massie’s admiration for Catherine would have to have been from a distance. Since Massie has no chance with Catherine (even if we forget that she died a couple hundred years ago), he should have felt more comfortable to analyze (and maybe criticize) her actions more freely.
Maybe the author offers his criticism or analysis at the end of the book, and I just haven’t gotten there yet.
Uh oh. I think I just admitted I haven’t finished reading this book yet.
REVIEWING BOOKS I HAVEN’T FINISHED
I intend on finishing Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman. It’s about 650 pages long, and I rarely read books over 500 pages anymore, so the fact that I want to finish it is an endorsement (kind of). I’ve got other things to read, so I’m taking a break.
This is nothing new. I have reviewed books that I’ve barely begun, such as Stephen King’s 11-22-63. I once even reviewed a book before it was published (Ann Coulter’s Demonic, which I have since read and actually finished, so I probably should update the review, but nobody reads that review anymore, so I probably won’t update it).
THE REAL REASON TO READ CATHERINE THE GREAT
The names are easy to follow. The main characters have names like Sophia (later Catherine), Elizabeth, Peter (more than one), Ivan, and Gregory (more than one). Yeah, when you throw in their long Russian last names, it can get a bit complicated, but I’ve managed to keep track, and I’m a guy who won’t read War and Peace because of the long Russian names, so this stuff is important.
The Godfather by Mario Puzo
WHY READ THE GODFATHER?
Most people who would be interested in reading The Godfather have already seen the movie(s), probably several times. Why would you waste several days reading a long novel when you’ve already spent several hours watching the movie version? That’s easy. The novel is very well-written, fast paced (with a couple exceptions), and gives the reader waaaaayyyy more information about a lot of characters that were barely seen in the movies. Even main characters like Sonny, Tom Hagen, and Kay Adams are developed more in the book.
Also, the book was written/published before the movies, so it’s fun to see how the filmmakers interpreted the novel rather than getting mad at some hack novelist for taking a screenplay and filling in the details. If you’re a fanatic of The Godfather who watches the movies every time some cable channel shows them (usually butchering them with bad editing and far too many commercials), this book is the best fix, much better than giving in and watching The Godfather 3.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE GODFATHER (the movies)?
The Godfather gave us a (kind of) subtle performance from Al Pacino as a gangster, which in turn led to an overacting Al Pacino as another gangster in Scarface, which in turn led to lots and lots of movies where Al Pacino overacted. Even worse than Al Pacino’s overacting is the praise he gets for his overacting. If not for The Godfather, the cycle of Al Pacino’s cheesy, outlandish overacting may have never begun, and the world may have been a better place.
WHY COMPARE THESE TWO BOOKS?
Both title characters start off as (possibly) well-intentioned before they assume their positions of power. Michael Corleone of The Godfather seems to want no part of the family “business” at first but then must commit acts of evil (and rationalize them) as he takes control of the family. Catherine the Great at first claimed to embrace the idea of an “enlightened monarch” and then made a bunch of decisions that the “enlightened” should have found appalling. Both Michael Corleone and Catherine the Great found ways to justify these decisions, and the authors found ways to get some readers to sympathize with them.
WHICH ONE? CATHERINE THE GREAT or THE GODFATHER?
If you want to learn about Russian history (and don’t know much already), read Catherine the Great. If you want to be entertained by some light, low-brow fiction, then read The Godfather. If you really can’t decide for yourself (both Catherine the Great and Michael Corleone would despise you for your indecisiveness), then read The Godfather. You can never go wrong with reading The Godfather.
Yeah, you might laugh at this now, phone tool, but just you wait. Your precious technology will be obsolete by the time you're done reading this iphone joke. Bwa ha ha ha! Image via Wikipedia
A mugger sneaked onto a college campus, seeking phone snobs to prey upon. When he robbed his first student, the mugger pointed his gun at her and demanded her phone. The student gave up her Droid, but it wasn’t good enough for the mugger.
I’m not sure what Alec Baldwin is saying here, but if somebody else (like Tina Fey) didn’t write it for him, then… look out!! Image via Wikipedia
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
You have to be careful when telling a Penn State joke. What (allegedly) happened at that institution of higher learning is pretty shocking. Lives have been shattered, and you have to be sensitive to that. Calling that university “Ped State” is not sensitive, and it’s not funny. So if you’re going to tell a Penn State joke (and you probably shouldn’t), if you really have the urge to tell a Penn State joke (and I wouldn’t if I were you), if you absolutely have to tell a Penn State joke (and shame on you if you do), then you’d better be ready to take some grief for it.
*****
WARNING!!! THE JOKE BELOW IS (short but) VERY TACKY!
A Penn State football recruiter was visiting a highly regarded high school player. The recruiter talked about the winning traditions of Penn State and its proud history (and stayed away from mentioning the Sandusky scandal), but despite the recruiter’s best efforts, the high school football player insisted he didn’t plan on going to Penn State.
“Why not?” the recruiter asked, hesitantly. “Is it because of any scandals that you’ve heard about?”
“No, I don’t know about any scandals,” the high school football player said.
“Really?” the recruiter said, perplexed. “Is it about the coaching changes then?”
“No, I don’t mind the coaching changes,” the football player said.
“Is it about our bland uniforms?” the recruiter asked.
“No, I don’t mind your uniforms,” the football player said.
Puzzled, the recruiter asked, “Then why is it that you don’t want to come to Penn State?”
“Because every other university set me up with some really hot college women on my recruiting visits,” the football player said. “At Penn State, all I got was some old naked guy in the shower.”
I’ll be honest. Here’s my real gripe with Stephen King. A couple summers ago an overhyped novel called The Passage (by Justin Cronin) came out, and the premise sounded interesting enough. Stephen King was writing a column for a weekly entertainment magazine (whose name I won’t mention), and he recommended the book. I purchased the novel, and it was so long and disappointing that I never finished it. And that ticked me off!
Looking back, I wonder if Stephen King ever finished reading that book either.
It kind of makes sense. The first 100 pages of The Passage are pretty good, but then it falls apart. My theory (with no proof to back it up) is that Stephen King read the first 100 pages or so and then wrote his recommendation. Again, this is a theory, not an accusation.
Inspired by my annoyance at his book review (maybe I take these things too seriously), I am out to prove that Stephen King’s writing has regressed since his early greatness. And to do this, I will compare his latest, 11-22-63, with two of his earliest awesome classics (no sarcasm), Carrie and Different Seasons.
REVIEWING BOOKS YOU DON’T FINISH
This is a philosophical thing. I have no problem reviewing books I didn’t finish reading. There’s a reason people don’t finish books, and it’s important for other potential readers to know those reasons.
I finished reading Carrie. It was great. I finished reading Different Seasons. It was great. Well, two of the stories (“Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption” and “The Body” were great, and the two other stories were good. I didn’t finish reading 11-22-63.
NO SPOILERS
The good thing about reviewing a book that I didn’t finish (besides the saved time in not actually reading the book) is that I won’t reveal spoilers because I don’t know how the book ends.
I’m also not bothering with a synopsis of each story. Most readers familiar with Stephen King are familiar with these stories, and I have an attention span limit. My point (in this particular review) is to focus on King’s writing style, not his stories.
WHY CARRIE AND DIFFERENT SEASONS?
I needed a couple of Stephen King’s early books to prove that his writing has declined over the years. These are the two books that I happened to have lying around, and I’m too lazy and cheap to repurchase The Stand or The Shining. That’s my fault, not Stephen King’s.
TOO LONG
As a dysfunctional literate, I don’t read books over 500 pages long unless they’re awesome. I read The Stand (years ago, and I’d read it again if I had time) because (in my memory) it was great. 11-22-63 wasn’t great, so I’m not reading the whole thing.
Carrie was not 500 pages long.
Different Seasons was about 500 pages, but it was divided up into four stories.
11-22-63, at about 850 pages, is over 500 pages long.
NO PERSONALITY
One of the problems with 11-22-63 is that the narrator (the main character whose name I’ve forgotten) is bland and seems to have no personality.
Seriously, (if you’ve already read the book) what is the main character’s personality? The narrator is a high school teacher. He doesn’t like to grade papers. The one school relationship mentioned is a friendship with a custodian(?) who just got his diploma. He seems to have no relationship with the students except he grades their papers. He eats Fatburgers. And he is friends (kind of) with the guy who runs Fatburgers. That’s it.
Some may argue that the character’s personality isn’t the point, that the setting (1958-1963) is more important, and if that works for other readers, okay. But it didn’t work for me. Everybody has a personality, even (especially) a guy who travels back in time. Listen to Marty McFly; that guy’s got a lot of personality.
Carrie (and the people tormenting her) in Carrie had personality. The narrator (and Andy Dufresne) in “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption” had personality. The narrator in “The Body” had a personality. The narrator in 11-22-63 has no personality.
BAD METAPHORS
You can argue about whether or not a style of writing is boring. That’s subjective. But bad metaphors? These might be subjective as well, but they’re at least easier to pinpoint and argue about.
The first few pages of 11-22-63 contain metaphors that are too clumsy for an author of Stephen King’s talents.
For example, the narrator described how his Fatburger friend(?) had changed in one day by saying: “I had not yet entered the fog of unreality that would soon swallow me, but the first tendrils were sweeping around me, and I felt them.”
Then a few paragraphs later…
“I looked back, feeling the fog of unreality thicken around me. The day was warm but the fog was cold.”
Then a few paragraphs later…
“Nobody loses thirty or forty pounds in less than a day, nobody. But I was looking at it. And this, I think, is where the fog of unreality swallowed me whole.”
This “fog of unreality” expression is (in my opinion) lazy, distractingly bad writing. If King had used it once and moved on, maybe I wouldn’t have noticed it or it might not have stuck with me. But he went to this phrase, as if it were deep, and an editor (if he has one anymore) should have told him it wasn’t that good and to try something else as an extended metaphor.
Describing time travel, the narrator says: “My eyes felt like they were bugging out of their sockets. My scalp and a narrow strip of skin all the way down the middle of my back was crawling.”
Eyes “bugging out” and “skin crawling” in back to back sentences is kind of trite. Maybe it would understandable in a first draft, but c’mon! This is Stephen King we’re talking about.
Read the first few pages of Carrie, or “Shawshank,” or “The Body,” and you don’t find these kinds of examples of lazy writing. At least I didn’t.
IT’S NOT HATIN’ IF YOU CAN BACK IT UP WITH FACTS
I’m not trying to “hate” on Stephen King (and if I am, it’s not because he’s successful but because I wasted my time on a really long, disappointing book that he recommended). It’s one thing to be a great writer who now settles for writing way too many mediocre books. It’s another thing to be a great writer who writes mediocre books and then gives glowing recommendations to books that are less than mediocre.
That’s crossing a line.
And I’m not going to stand for it.
11-22-63 is inferior to Stephen King’s earlier masterpieces (Okay, I know that most novels are inferior to Stephen King’s early masterpieces) because it’s way too long (yeah, I know, I didn’t finish it, but I’m pretty sure it’s too long), it’s bland, and there are too many examples of lazy writing, such as the poor metaphors that I mentioned. My suggestion is (other than staying away from The Passage) that if you feel the need to read a really long Stephen King novel, go back to The Stand or It.
The ultimate competitive shopper nudged her way close to the front of the line at Wal-Mart before the sales started on Black Friday. After she entered the store, she dropped a pile of marbles on the floor, causing a bunch of bargain hunters behind her to fall down. When she got to the electronics section, she peppered sprayed the area, causing everybody else to gag, sneeze, and gasp for breath. The competitive shopper loaded up her cart with computers, video game consoles, and flat screen TVs, all on special sale. When she got to the check out line, she tazed everybody in front of her so that she could get out quickly and make the next sale at another store. To her credit, she didn’t shoplift.
A few days later the ultimate competitive shopper got caught, but she was ready. She lawyered up, got her charges reduced, and she didn’t seem very nervous at sentencing. When the judge gave her the option of 1000 hours of community service instead of serving jail time, she shrugged. When the judge got ready to announce the fine, that’s when the competitive shopper held her breath.
“$5,000 fine!” the judge ordered.
“Yes!” the competitive shopper cheered, jumping up and down. She even tried to high five her lawyer, who was actually appalled by her response.
“How can you celebrate at a time like this?” the lawyer asked.
“Because even after the fine and the lawyer fees,” the competitive shopper answered, “I still saved $100.”
It was late in the fourth quarter with the Denver Broncos down 9-3 when Tim Tebow (who had up to that point completed 3-16 passes for 29 yards) hit a wide open receiver (the cornerback had fallen down) to get his team to the one yard line. Tim Tebow then rushed for the touchdown, dropped to one knee, and bowed his head in prayer for several seconds.
The Denver Broncos won the game 10-9, and in the post-game press conference Tim Tebow thanked God and thanked Jesus Christ for the win but forgot to thank his defense that had kept the other team to three field goals. During the press conference, he reminded the world that it was God and Jesus Christ who gave him the skills necessary to win the game. He also talked for several minutes about how much he loved God and Jesus Christ.
Then Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend ran into his arms in front of the crowd and cameras and tried to plant a sloppy wet kiss on him, but Tim Tebow stepped back and instead gave her an air hug.
“What’s wrong?” Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend asked.
“C’mon, honey,” Tim Tebow pleaded, embarrassed. “You know that I think public displays of affection are tacky.”
An overworked author was having writer’s block at the worst possible time. A deadline was approaching from his freelance job, he was working on his 100 blog posts in 100 days challenge, and he was writing a 50,000 word novel in a month all at the same time. The writer stared at his laptop screen, but he just couldn’t start writing.
Frustrated, the writer stood up and kicked his desk. Unfortunately, he wasn’t wearing shoes, and he jammed his big toe.
“Aaaaarrrrgh!” the writer screamed, hopping on his good foot from his den to the kitchen to get an ice pack. He accidentally tripped over his dog, lost his balance, and stumbled against the stove, flipping over a pot of boiling water that scorched his arm.
“Aiyeeeee!” the writer screamed, writhing in agony. His entire arm seared with pain, so he rushed to his car to drive himself to an emergency room. As he put the car into reverse, he saw smoke and flames from his kitchen. He had left the stove on, and somehow the kitchen had caught on fire.
“Nooooooo!” the writer screamed, leaping from his car, diving back into his house, holding his breath through the suffocating smoke, grabbing a fire extinguisher, and putting out the fire. As he almost breathed a sigh of relief (he couldn’t really breathe because of the smoke), he heard a loud crash. He had forgotten to set the emergency brake, and his car had rolled off the driveway and smashed into an old tree that hadn’t been removed yet from his lawn.
“AAAaaaaahhhhhh!” the writer screamed as he fled from his house just as the dying tree fell onto his home and crushed the roof. The fire had weakened the home’s structure, and entire house collapsed under the weight of the fallen tree.
The writer and his wife (who had been outside in the yard the whole time because she couldn’t stand to be around him when he was writing) stared at the rubble of what had been their home.
“At least now you have something to write about,” the wife said.
“I would,” the writer replied, exasperated. “But my laptop’s still in the house.”
