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Best Clean Jokes Ever!

October 15, 2011
English: Elliptical route shield 789

Maybe these jokes aren't as clean as "Why was 6 afraid of 7?" but they're still pretty clean. Image via Wikipedia

In this era of raunchy humor and cheap low brow laughs, a clean joke is hard to tell.  Nowadays, it’s difficult to find hilarity in something that’s not an adult situation or a loud, messy body function.  Clean jokes usually aren’t edgy.  Clean jokes usually aren’t hip.  Yet a BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER is relevant and deals with issues everybody can relate to without being polarizing.  A BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER can still bring a nod of approval, and if you’re really lucky, an unexpected laugh.  The following anecdotes might not be the funniest clean jokes ever, but they are some of the BEST CLEAN JOKES EVER! 


Several states had made text messaging while driving a crime, so a police officer who needed to meet his quota sat in his squad car on a busy street watching for violators.  He noticed an SUV speeding with a bunch of screaming teenagers jumping up and down without seat belts on in the back seat while the driver was texting with one hand on the steering wheel. 

After he had pulled her over, the police officer said, “Ma’am, you were speeding.  You have several kids in the back jumping and screaming without seat belts on.  Why in the world were you texting at a time like this?” 

“They couldn’t hear me yelling at them,” the driver said, exasperated. “So I was texting them to sit down and shut up.” 



A mugger sneaked onto a college campus, seeking phone snobs to prey upon.  When he robbed his first student, the mugger pointed his gun at her and demanded her phone.  The student gave up her Droid, but it wasn’t good enough for the mugger.
“Droids stink!” the mugger said.  “Give me your money and jewelry instead.”
The mugger ran off with the student’s money and jewelry, dissatisfied with his haul.  The next night he surprised another college student  and demanded his phone.  When the college student gave up a Blackberry, the mugger again got angry.
“Blackberries stink!”  the mugger said.  “Doesn’t anybody on campus have an iphone?” he yelled.
Immediately, three phone snobs jumped out of nowhere from different directions eagerly waving their iphones and vying for the mugger’s attention.
The mugger put a gun to their heads, took their iphones, thanked the three phone snobs, and ran off.
“I can’t believe that mugger stole my iphone,” the first phone snob said, dejected.  “I was the first person on campus to have an iphone, and now it’s gone.”
“I can’t believe that mugger stole my iphone,” the second phone snob said, even more dejected.  “I had all my personal information on my iphone, and now it’s gone.”
“I can’t believe that mugger stole my iphone,” the third phone snob said, the most dejected of them all.  “My iphone had way more cool features and apps than yours did, and I didn’t even get the chance to show him.”



It was standardized test time, and a public school teacher who was about to retire was administering the examination to her homeroom.  The kids had just begun, and the teacher was emphasizing a couple very important points. 

“Remember, I cannot help you with any answers,” she said.  “I can only help you with the directions.”  As she said this, she pointed to answer A on question #3 to several students. 

“Remember to make your pencil marks dark and neat,” she continued, pointing to answer D on question #6 on several students’ answer sheets. 

A test monitor peeking in from the hallway saw the retiring teacher and hurried into the classroom. 

“Don’t help the students,” the monitor whispered.  “With President Obama changing the No Child Left Behind law, we don’t have to cheat anymore to keep our jobs.” 

“Help the students?” the retiring teacher said in a low voice.  “These little monsters have given me so much grief this year, I’m giving them the wrong answers.”

From → Best Jokes Ever!

  1. Loved every “clean joke”!

  2. I love clean jokes… they remind me of when I was the newsletter editor in my department, and I could only use clean jokes such as: “Why does a roomful of married people seem so empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it!”

    • Thanks. That’s a pretty good one (it works on a couple levels). I have a new appreciation for clean jokes because they’re tough to write. On the plus side, I have never been fired or threatened with a lawsuit for telling a clean joke (though I have been booed and groaned at).

  3. The third one was AWESOME> 😀

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