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Best Political Jokes Ever!

October 8, 2011
English: Seal of the President of the United S...

A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER can apply to almost any president or politician, so nobody’s feelings have to get hurt. Image via Wikipedia

The phrase “political humor” is either redundant or an oxymoron.  The stakes involved in the political process are often very serious, but the people involved are such idiots (or act like such idiots) that they turn what should be a drama into a situation comedy.  Telling jokes about politics can be a gamble because an Obama joke can offend a Democrat, or a Sarah Palin joke can tick off a Republican.  A BEST POLITICAL JOKE EVER is one that will not end a friendship or start a nasty ad hominem contest.  The following jokes may not be the funniest political jokes ever, but they are some of the BEST POLITICAL JOKES EVER!

*****

SHOULD I BECOME A REPUBLICAN OR A DEMOCRAT?

A bunch of college guys were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity smooth talker made an announcement. 

“I have decided what I am going to do after college,” the smooth talker declared.  “I am going to become a politician.” 

The other frat guys nodded, since the smooth talker had shown little aptitude for anything except an amazing ability to convince women to give him stuff for nothing in return (except momentary affection and empty promises). 

“Now that I have chosen my career, I must choose my political party,” the smooth talker continued.  “Should I become a republican or a democrat?  I don’t even know the difference between the two.” 

“There isn’t a difference,” said the fraternity hunk, who was a libertarian.  “The only difference between republicans and democrats is that most republicans at least know that their candidates suck.” 

“That is a shallow way of delineating the differences between republicans and democrats,” the frat intellectual said.  “It depends on where you stand on a number of issues.  What do you think about the economy, the deficit, the national debt, health care, gas prices, national defense, and the environment?” 

“Babes,” the smooth talker said.  “Which party has more babes?” 

“Women tend to vote democrat a bit more than they do republican,” the intellectual responded. “But that’s not a valid reason to…” 

“Then a democrat I shall be!” the smooth talker proclaimed, cutting off the intellectual.  “I shall represent women, and minorities, and the poor in their struggles against the oppressors in this country.” 

“But you are the oppressor,” the hunk said, puzzled.  “You treat women like dirt in your personal life.  You voted the poor students out of this fraternity because they couldn’t pay their dues.  You tell the vilest racist jokes I’ve ever heard.  And you say you want to help these people?” 

“I am a politician,” the smooth talker said with a wink.  “Just because I say I want to help women, minorities, and the poor doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them.” 

And with that, the smooth talker stepped out of the frat house to begin his political career. 

The hunk was furious, but the intellectual couldn’t figure out why. 

“You always thought the smooth talker’s antics were funny when he got women to pay his way for everything,” the intellectual said.  “What has changed?” 

“I just got hired by a huge corporation,” the hunk explained.  “Now that he’s a politician, it’s guys like me that will have to pay his way for everything.”

*****

GOD TELLS POLITICIAN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

A politician died and found himself in heaven (okay, you already know this isn’t a true story), but instead of being grateful, the politician demanded to speak directly to God. 

“God!” the politician ranted.  “You told me to run for president, and it was the worst decision in my life.  I looked stupid in the debates.  All my mistakes in my past were made public.  I was humiliated, and my political career was turned into a national joke.  How could you give me bad advice like that?” 

“It is not your place to judge my advice,” God said.  “When I told you to be honest, you did not listen.  When I told you not to sexually harass women, you did not listen.  When I told you not to accept bribes, you did not listen.  When I told you not to drink, you did not listen.  The only time you listened to me was when I told you to run for president.” 

The politician was dejected.  “I cannot believe that God lied to me,” the politician muttered, not seeing the irony in his remarks. 

“I did not lie to you,” God said.  “I told you to run for president.  I never said that you would win.”

***** 

POLITICIAN GETS STUMPED AT DEBATE 

Two major presidential candidates (a Democrat incumbent and a Republican challenger) were performing at the first of three major debates, and both candidates were blaming each other for the national debt, high unemployment numbers, the bad economy, foreign policy problems, and anything else they could think of.  The moderator decided to lighten the mood by asking the question that most candidates dread: 

“What is the nicest thing you can say about your political opponent?” 

The Democrat had to answer first and seemed to have an answer prepared.  “My opponent is a wonderful family man, a great father, and even though we disagree on many things, I know he is an honorable man and loves this country very much.” 

The Republican was stumped because the Democrat president had just used the exact same answer that he himself had prepared for the question, and an awkward silence settled upon the auditorium.  Finally, the Republican took a deep breath and said, “My opponent is the best golfer I have ever played against.” 

The audience gasped, Republican aides threw their hands up in frustration, and analysts wondered if this was the critical gaffe that would give the Democrat the edge in the election. 

After the debate, the Republican’s chief aide said, “What were you thinking?  After all those wonderful things he said about you, that’s the best you can come up with?” 

“You don’t know the president like I do,” the Republican said.  “From his point of view, calling him a great golfer is the best compliment you can give him.”

From → Best Jokes Ever!

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