Let’s Blame the Ivy League for Everything!

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Presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama were hanging out at Martha’s Vineyard for a vacation/summit.  The presidents were initially polite, but after a few drinks, a few of the presidents started picking on Jimmy Carter. 

“When you talk to Playboy, you never admit to lust in your heart,” Bill Clinton advised.  “You offer the young ladies counseling like I did, lots and lots of counseling.” 

“I’ve been called the worst president in recent history,” George W. Bush said, “but I still managed to get reelected.” 

“Let me be clear, I killed Osama Bin Laden,” Barack Obama bragged, “but that is nothing when compared to the… uh, killer rabbit you fought off in your boat.” 

After a few minutes of this, Jimmy Carter left the room without defending himself. 

George H.W. Bush was appalled by the behavior of the other presidents.  “That is an imprudent way to treat one our peers, even if he had a failed presidency.” 

“Aw, c’mon, Pa, I’m not gonna make fun of somebody else’s failed presidency,” George W. Bush said.  “We’re making fun of him because he’s not Ivy League.” 

*****

WHAT DOES THE IVY LEAGUE HAVE TO DO WITH THE FINANCIAL, ECONOMIC, AND DEBT (and anything else you want to add) CRISIS? 

One problem with the United States financial crisis is that there hasn’t been a really good scapegoat that everybody can agree on yet.  Government officials blame the banks and big business.  Banks and big business blame the government.  Republicans blame Democrats.  Democrats blame Republicans.  Libertarians blame both Republicans and Democrats.  Communists wonder what the fuss is all about. 

When we engage in this typical partisan blame game, we miss the obvious culprit. 

WHY BLAME IVY LEAGUERS? 

Since most experts agree that the financial/economic/debt crisis has been decades in the making, it makes sense to blame the Presidents of the United States of the last two decades.  And all of them (you guessed it!) are from Ivy League schools. 

President Obama went to Columbia and Harvard.  President George W. Bush went to both Harvard and Yale. President Clinton went to Yale and then Oxford (which isn’t Ivy League but is kind of a foreign equivalent, so he gets double blame; if you’re going to go to an Ivy League type school, at least stay in the United States), and George H.W. Bush went to Yale .  If you’re the type that blames U.S. presidents for the country’s troubles, then you can blame all four, and all four are from Ivy League schools. 

HOW BLAMING IVY LEAGUERS CAN UNITE THE COUNTRY 

The country needs to be unified during times of crisis, and right now conservatives and liberals are at each others’ throats casting blame for this financial crisis. But this bitter partisanship is unnecessary.  Of the last four presidents, two of them were Ivy League Republicans serving a total of three terms, and two of them were Ivy League Democrats serving a total of three terms (so far).  This is perfect balance, making labels of Republican and Democrat irrelevant, and shifting all of the blame squarely on the Ivy League. 

HOW TO BLAME THE IVY LEAGUE 

Discussing politics can be dangerous.  It destroys friendships and ruins family get-togethers.  Instead of alienating friends and family by blaming liberals/conservatives or Republicans/Democrats, simply say what you need to say and blame the Ivy League. 

Here are a couple examples: 

1. Those *$%@ Ivy Leaguers deregulated the banks in the 1990s, and then those Ivy League bankers went crazy with those bad loans! 
2. Yeah, and those *&*#@ Ivy Leaguers in government also spent too much money on wasteful programs, and now we’re up to our ears in debt. 

See?  If you blame the Ivy League, you can have a rational discussion, agreeing or disagreeing with the substance of the argument without raising your blood pressure over the conservative/liberal, Republican/Democrat thing. 

Blaming the Ivy League means we can honestly talk about what has caused this country’s problems, and nobody has to get defensive about it, except the Ivy Leaguers.  And face it, it’s about time those Ivy Leaguers got defensive! 

STATISTICAL BREAKDOWN OF IVY LEAGUERS IN GOVERNMENT, BANKING, AND BUSINESS, AND THEIR INFLUENCE ON POLICY 

Are you serious? 

We don’t do statistical breakdowns at Dysfunctional Literacy.  We gave you a list of the last four presidents.  Our job here is done. 

IF THE IVY LEAGUE WON’T RUN THINGS, THEN WHO WILL? 

Since Ivy Leaguers have messed things up so much, let State School run things for a while.  If that doesn’t work, let Community College give it a try.  If they mess it up, then it’s High School Diploma’s turn.  If they can’t handle it, then it’s GED’s turn.  If GED can’t get the job done, then we can always go back to Jimmy Carter. 

At least he’s not Ivy League.