Best God Jokes Ever!
A “Best God Joke Ever!” is a slightly religious joke that isn’t meant to offend anybody. I don’t mind if I accidentally/incidentally offend people, but I don’t go out of my way to do it. We true believers shouldn’t worry about God jokes because when people are making God jokes, it shows that God is still relevant. Now when people stop making God jokes, that’s when we can start worrying.
GOD GETS ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK AND TWITTER
It was the new millennium, and as God looked over humanity, He was again saddened and disappointed by what He saw. Humans had developed almost miraculous technology and yet were misusing it for their base desires. Men used technology for porn. Women used the technology for gossip. Criminals used the technology to help themselves steal and murder. Very little productive was being done with these wonderful tools that God had allowed/helped humans to discover.
And so God decided to step in.
First, God created an account on Facebook and friended everybody. When He was rejected by most Facebook users, God was stunned.
“Who would dare not to friend God?” God asked with indignation, tempted to set the world on fire.
But instead, God upgraded His Facebook page.
He put up photos of Adam and Eve with the apple, Moses parting the Red Sea, and Jesus walking on water. These pictures created a huge stir on the internet, as image experts closely examined the pictures for signs of image editing or anachronisms (God had made Moses take off his watch), but the photos were authentic, and people throughout the world began to believe that this particular Facebook page truly belonged to God.
And soon God had more friends than anybody else on Facebook, and God was happy.
Next, God went on Twitter. It was sometimes difficult to keep His good word to 140 characters, but He was God and the Twitter technology showed remarkable flexibility when God wrote too much. God used Twitter to shame individuals of their sins. He publically warned men (and women) not to cheat, not to watch porn (at least not at work), not to discuss politics where food was being served, and of course not to steal, murder, and the usual stuff.
Humans did not stop committing acts of sin, but the number of acts of sin decreased greatly.
Atheists, however, refused to believe that this was the work of God. It had to be a hacker with enough resources to check individual internet usage and deduce who was sinning and how. No amount of evidence was enough to prove to them that God existed and had gotten addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
“Prove that you’re God,” the skeptics demanded to God. “Perform a miracle for us.”
“Is nothing enough for you?” God scoffed. “I have just used Facebook and Twitter in a positive way to do good in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.”
LITERARY GOD JOKE!
God visits a book publisher in his dream and says, “I command you to publish all of my books from The Bible separately, give them new covers, and charge a separate price for each of them. A separate book for Genesis. A separate book for Job. A separate book for each of them.”
The publisher quickly awakens in a cold sweat, not because he’s talking to God, but because of the idea God is suggesting. “But God!” he says. “Those individual books are too small, and they’re too many of them. Nobody would buy them all.”
“You question the word of God?” God says, indignation in his voice. “Make these books available on reading devices as well, and charge $9.99 for each.”
“What?” the publisher sputters. “People won’t stand for that. They won’t buy them. Even worse, they’ll one-star each book in their reviews and complain about overcharging for digital content that doesn’t cost anything to produce.”
“Who would dare to one-star the word of God?” God roars, sending spasms of fear throughout the publisher’s body.
“Not I,” reiterates the publisher, who is barely able to speak. “But why do this, God?” the publisher asks. “The Bible is the best selling book of all time. Do you really need the money?”
“No,” God grumbles, his voice lowered. “I just want to have more book titles published than L. Ron Hubbard.”
GOD AS PRESIDENT OBAMA’S TOUR GUIDE
A long time from now, many years and years in the future, President Obama dies from natural causes. It’s a peaceful, nonviolent death, and comes after a very productive and happy life. This anecdote is about what happens afterward and should not be interpreted in any way as wishing anything bad upon our president.
In other words, Secret Service agents do not need to visit Dysfunctional Literacy.
Now back to the story.
Usually St. Peter greets people at the pearly gates, but President Obama was so (awesome/miserable) that God wanted to greet him Himself. God normally likes to present Himself in the form of something that a mere human can understand, so God showed up to greet Barack Obama in the form of Barack Obama.
“Welcome to Heaven,” God said. “I wanted to personally meet the man who had the (best/worst/most mediocre) presidential (term/terms) in United States history.”
“This isn’t what I was expecting,” Obama said, looking around and thinking about his… Christian… upbringing.
God took Obama to a basketball court surrounded by ancient Greek pillars and a multitude of adoring fans shouting “Obama! Obama!” Michelle appeared out of the mists, and they hugged each other for a long time. But while he was embracing his heavenly wife, Obama was thinking about the basketball court.
Obama looked more closely at the court and saw dozens of NBA greats like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Kobe Bryant playing in their primes. Excited, Obama then noticed that LeBron James was nowhere to be seen.
When Obama asked about LeBron, God shook his head. “Unfortunately, there is only one King here in Heaven, and LeBron couldn’t accept that, so he is playing in one of the lower leagues.”
Obama then asked why Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosch were there in Heaven and God said, “They like LeBron, but they couldn’t take that kind of Heat.”
The NBA players motioned Obama to the court, and Obama couldn’t believe it. “I can play a pick-up game with them?”
“Not only that,” God said, “but you can’t get hurt when somebody fouls you or elbows you in the face. This is Heaven, after all. And you’ll need these.” God handed Obama a pack of cigarettes. “In Heaven, you can smoke these and never get sick.”
“Uhhhh… let me be clear,” Obama said, in disbelief. “I can play pickup games with the best NBA players ever, not get hurt, smoke cigarettes while I play, and throngs of people call my name in adoration.”
“This is your perfect world,” God said. “You may even eat fast food whenever you want.”
Obama looked around and saw some Republicans in the distance drilling for oil and shooting criminals for target practice.
“If this is my perfect world, how come they’re here?” Obama asked.
“This is everyone’s perfect world,” God answered. “You get to have your fun. They get to have their fun. And none of you will ever get to be president again.”
JACKASS STUNT GUY GETS INTO HEAVEN
One day a stunt guy from Jackass died and found himself standing in a long line in front of the pearly gates. When the stunt guy was finally met by St. Peter, the guy wisely kept his mouth shut and listened to the lecture he knew he was going to get.
“You have led a reckless life,” St. Peter said to the stunt guy. “You have much to answer for. But God loves all of his children, so you have an opportunity to redeem yourself before entering God’s kingdom.
“Your first step is to fit yourself through the eye of this needle,” and St. Peter handed the Jackass stunt guy a tiny needle with the most miniscule of eyes. The stunt guy sighed and began stuffing himself head first through the needle’s eye. He was grunting and wheezing, struggling to fit his shoulders through when St. Peter reared back and kicked the stunt guy in the nuts.
A bunch of angels who had gathered laughed uproariously at this and took their turns periodically kicking the stunt guy in the nuts and in his butt. The stunt guy struggled and tried to squeeze through, and he cursed at the angels, even using the Lord’s name in vain several times. Finally, he managed to squeeze through the needle’s eye, and he dropped to the next level.
The stunt guy then found himself skateboarding down a tunnel while being chased by a three-headed dog who kept biting at his butt and his groin. A large group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy and the dog, yelling and hollering, laughing whenever the dog got a piece of the stunt guy. The stunt guy cursed at the dog, at the angels, and even at the skateboard for not going faster.
The stunt guy then had to run up a hill, but an angel was at the top rolling huge boulders down at him. The stunt guy dodged the boulders to keep from getting flattened, but then the angel started throwing stones at the stunt guy’s groin while he was dodging the boulders and running. A group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy, cheering and hollering, laughing whenever a stone hit the stunt guy in the nuts. The stunt guy cursed at the boulders, at the stones, at the angel throwing the stones, and even at the angels laughing at him.
An angel appeared next to St. Peter and seemed sympathetic toward the stunt guy as he looked over the obstacle course that had to be completed. “At this rate, he’ll never make it into the kingdom of Heaven,” the angel observed.
“He’s a Jackass,” St. Peter said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “To him, this is Heaven.”
Yeah, we know this last one really isn’t a God joke, but it’s close enough, at least until we write another joke that’s actually about God.
For another God joke, see “Obama Plays Golf with God” in The Best Obama Jokes Ever!