The Best Sports Jokes Ever!
A “Best Sports Joke Ever!” is an anecdote that even the average non-sports fan can find amusing. You don’t have to watch ESPN every day to laugh at a “Best Sports Joke Ever!” You don’t have to participate in a fantasy league or have the rosters of your favorite franchises memorized. The following stories might not be the funniest sports jokes ever, but since they can be understood (and maybe even laughed at) by the casual observer, they are some of the “Best Sports Jokes Ever!”
WHAT IS THE GREATEST SPORT IN THE WORLD?
A football player and a soccer player were sitting at a bar having a few too many when they started arguing about which sport was better.
“Football, American football, is the world’s greatest sport,” the football player said. “It is by far the most popular sport in the United States, which is the only country whose opinion matters. Football has everything that makes sports great: violence, strategy, grace, finesse, speed, and even a little bit of sex if you include the cheerleaders. No other sport can claim that combination.”
“Soccer is the world’s greatest sport, you ignorant American,” said the soccer player, who was also American but forgot because he was a soccer player. “More people play soccer than any other sport in the world. You Americans with your need for instant gratification cannot appreciate the subtleties of soccer, its nuances, its gradual pace. Soccer is loved internationally, and nobody outside your country plays American football.”
“The world loves soccer because you can be dirt poor to play it, and most of the world is dirt poor,” the football player countered. “All you need is a ball. And that slow pace is not nuanced; it’s boring. Soccer is the only sport where you can get drunk, pass out, wake up, and nothing’s happened.”
Before the soccer player could become completely enraged, a baseball player interjected, “Both of you are wrong. Baseball is the world’s greatest sport. You don’t need a bunch of expensive equipment to play it, and both teams get an equal chance to win. Both teams get three outs per inning, so time isn’t an issue. It’s a perfectly designed game.”
The football player and the soccer player were about to mock the baseball player when a basketball player interrupted. “Basketball is the world’s greatest sport. It’s like soccer, but with fewer players, and a lot more scoring. It’s a game anybody can play, it’s exciting, and the world loves it.”
Instead of admitting that each sport had its good points, the athletes impugned each other, and soon the argument degenerated, with each sport having several supporters yelling at supporters of other sports.
“Football sucks!” one group would shout at the football players.
“Soccer sucks!” another group would scream at the soccer players.
“Your mom sucks!”
Once the mother’s behavior was invoked, a brawl broke out. Punches were thrown. Teeth were knocked out. But despite the number of people involved and the amount of alcohol consumed before the violence began, no weapons were used, and nobody got bitten. The police were eventually called, and they eagerly broke up the fight with a healthy combination of tear gas, tasers, and batons.
As the athletes were being organized into groups (jail, hospital, and home), one loud-mouth athlete who was missing several teeth (they were missing before the fight began) said, “This proves what the world’s greatest sport is.”
The brawlers and police officers stared perplexed at the loud-mouth athlete.
“There is only one sport where athletes will stop what they are doing and settle their differences by knocking each other senseless on a regular basis,” the athlete stated.
“Boxing?” one police officer asked.
“No,” the loud-mouth athlete proclaimed. “The greatest sport in the world is hockey.”
A TIM TEBOW JOKE
It was late in the fourth quarter with the Denver Broncos down 9-3 when Tim Tebow (who had up to that point completed 3-16 passes for 29 yards) hit a wide open receiver (the cornerback had fallen down) to get his team to the one yard line. Tim Tebow then rushed for the touchdown, dropped to one knee, and bowed his head in prayer for several seconds.
The Denver Broncos won the game 10-9, and in the post-game press conference Tim Tebow thanked God and thanked Jesus Christ for the win but forgot to thank his defense that had kept the other team to three field goals. During the press conference, he reminded the world that it was God and Jesus Christ who gave him the skills necessary to win the game. He also talked for several minutes about how much he loved God and Jesus Christ.
Then Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend ran into his arms in front of the crowd and cameras and tried to plant a sloppy wet kiss on him, but Tim Tebow stepped back and instead gave her an air hug.
“What’s wrong?” Tim Tebow’s really hot girlfriend asked.
“C’mon, honey,” Tim Tebow pleaded, embarrassed. “You know that I think public displays of affection are tacky.”
LEBRON JAMES SAVES DIRK NOWITZKI’S LIFE, THEN CHOKES
LeBron James was dining with his girlfriend at a fine restaurant when Dirk Nowitzki showed up with his entourage. It was a slightly uncomfortable moment, but both superstars nodded acknowledgements to each other and went about their business peacefully.
Dirk was seated across the restaurant facing LeBron, and as they were eating, LeBron noticed that Nowitzki was making a face at him. Puzzled at first, LeBron watched as Dirk clutched his throat, strained his face, and even stuck his tongue out a bit.
The crowd laughed, and LeBron was a bit miffed. Yeah, he had made fun of Dirk’s alleged illness during the Finals, but that was at the arena and not in public after the season was over. LeBron tried to ignore the taunting, but Dirk’s entourage was laughing quite loudly, and the crowd in the restaurant was noticing his antics. Dirk then stood, hands clutching throat, his body shaking violently, and the crowd howled in derision at LeBron. Even LeBron’s girlfriend had a tough time controlling her amusement.
Finally, LeBron had had enough. He was tired of these lame LeBron James jokes. All he had heard since mid-season was “LeBron James chokes, Lebron James chokes, Lebron James chokes.” There is only so far that you can push a man before he breaks, so LeBron stood, strode across the restaurant to Dirk’s table, and punched him full in the stomach.
Dirk doubled over as a piece of meat flew across the room. Dirk gasped and announced to everybody that LeBron had just saved his life! LeBron was suddenly recognized as a hero. While everybody else had stood and watched Dirk nearly choke to death, only LeBron had had the presence of mind to use an unusual Heimlich method to dislodge the hunk of meat from Dirk’s throat. LeBron was once again king, and much of the national negativity against him dissipated. Times were good.
The NBA season started again. The Miami Heat were in a close game in the 4th quarter. Lebron took an ill-advised jumper, and the ball clanked off the rim. The home crowd booed, and as LeBron turned around, his teammate Dwayne Wade hit him full in the stomach. The crowd cheered as LeBron doubled over, the wind knocked out of him.
When LeBron regained his breath, he rushed Dwayne Wade, but the other Heat players got between them, and after everybody calmed down, LeBron asked Dwayne, “What did you do that for?”
Dwayne Wade said, “To make sure you don’t choke.”
SHARAPOVA BANNED FROM GRUNTING
Grunting in women’s tennis has been controversial over the past decade, but on this particular year, it was worse than ever. Mothers had to clasp their children’s ears so that their kids would not be corrupted. Porn directors were taping the moans and using the audio to compensate for disinterested actresses. There was mass hysteria. Dogs and cats were living together (or something like that).
The worst of the offenders that year was Maria Sharapova, the blond Russian whose moans were so loud and seductive that they would have lured Odysseus to crash his ship. In order to make an example of somebody, the Women’s Tennis Association declared that if Sharapova moaned at all, or if she emitted a single grunt while she was on the court, she would be disqualified from the ladies Wimbledon singles final.
On the day of the match, the world watched, riveted. Could Sharapova control herself? Would she be able to dominate her opponent without the intimidating wail that had been so successful in the past? Or would she lose her poise by grunting and getting herself disqualified?
To everybody’s shock, Sharapova played the greatest match in her life, dominating her opponent, crushing her so quickly (and quietly) that the world forgot her name before they even had the chance to learn it.
At the end of the match, Sharapova was being interviewed on the court. She was obviously pleased, almost speechless, elated as if this were her first Wimbledon title.
The announcer asked the excited Sharapova, “Can you express how good it feels to come in first at Wimbledon?”
“I could,” Sharapova said, “but it might get me disqualified.”