Best Dirty Jokes Ever!

This is not subtle or nuanced. It’s still pretty cool, but it’s not subtle. Image via Wikipedia

A “Best Dirty Joke Ever” is a vulgar adult joke that doesn’t use foul language and four-letter words.  It involves subtlety, nuance, euphemisms, and idioms.  The blunt, coarser dirty jokes might be funnier, but they aren’t the “Best Ever.”  With a “Best Dirty Joke Ever,” if a boss threatens to fire you or an easily offended co-worker tries to sue you, you can always claim that you didn’t know what the joke meant or that they misunderstood you; it might not work, but you can at least try.  Telling a dirty joke while being able to distance yourself from the negative consequences, that’s what makes a dirty joke a “Best Dirty Joke Ever!”

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Rich Guy Gets Off

One night while on vacation, a rich guy finished showering and stepped out naked from his bathroom.  When he walked into his bedroom, still naked, he surprised his hot young maid, who was fluffing some pillows.  He leered at her.  She smiled at him.

And a few hours later he was arrested.

A veteran police officer and a rookie were at the police station discussing the case and the prospects of the rich guy going to prison.

“The defense attorney said it’s an easy case,” the rookie said.  “The guy’s going to get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off.”

“That’s not what the prosecution thinks,” the veteran said.  “They said he won’t get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off instead.”

“Let me get this straight,” the rookie said.  “This rich guy might get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off, or he might not get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off.”

“This is worse than ‘Who’s on First?’” said the veteran.

“What are you talking about?” demanded the rookie.

“You’ve never heard of ‘Who’s on First?’” the veteran asked, astonished at the lack of knowledge this young rookie had.

“We already know who was on first,” the rookie said.  “We just don’t know how he got off.”

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Anthony Weiner, Bill Clinton, and Brett Favre Compare Packages

Former President Bill Clinton, Congressman Anthony Weiner, and former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre were standing in line at the post office.  As they started talking, Bill Clinton and Brett Favre began bragging about their packages.  Bill Clinton bragged about how he used to get his Secret Service agents to bring in young women to see his package.  Brett Favre bragged that he emailed pictures of his package to female reporters.  Bill Clinton bragged that his package had a distinguished characteristic.  Brett Favre bragged that his package was the most famous package in the NFL.  Anthony Weiner’s package was wrapped in underwear, and he claimed it wasn’t really his.

When it was time for Clinton to mail his package, he gave it the postal worker and told her to keep the change.  The postal worker handled the package delicately, caressed it, weighed it gently, and tenderly placed it above all the other packages waiting to be shipped.  Bill Clinton stood with a satisfied smile.

When it was time for Weiner to mail his package, he defiantly handed the underwear-bound package to the postal worker, again announced it wasn’t really his package, and he let the postal worker keep the change.  The postal worker handled Weiner’s package respectfully in public, but once it was placed in the back, over 45,000 postal workers got to look at it, and most agreed that it was probably Weiner’s package.  Anthony Weiner quickly left the post office, leaving Bill Clinton with Brett Favre.

When it was time for Brett Favre to mail his package, he gave it to the postal worker and thoughtlessly accepted the change.  The postal worker gripped Brett Favre’s package, smashed it on the ground, stomped on it, beat it with a hammer until it was ground completely into the floor.  Brett watched, a tight grimace of pain etched into his mouth as his package was obliterated.

“What was that all about?” Brett asked in shock, barely able to breathe.

“Even Anthony Weiner knows,” Bill Clinton said.  “When you have a delicate package, you better take care of the tip.”

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WARNING!  These next two jokes are  variations of anecdotes that I heard as a kid, and they stuck with me.  Of course, I had to pretend to understand them at the time, and then years later the light bulb went off.

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Male Dog Grooms Himself

Two guys were sitting on a porch, discussing (who cares what they were talking about?) something not very important, when they noticed a dog licking himself in the front yard.  The dog was intent on his work, nose planted between his hind legs, tongue making loud slurping noises.

Both men stopped talking so that they could watch the dog.

“I wish I could do that,” one guy said wistfully.

“He doesn’t like strangers,” the other guy said.  “You’d better pet him first.”

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That Time of the Punctuation

A handsome lout was sitting in a bar by himself.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was wondering who he was going to mooch off of this time.

A woman of equal moral character approached him.

“Hey, big boy,” she said in her best seductive voice.  “Do you want some company?”

This proposition sounded great to the lout, and the two of them spent the evening drinking and getting to know each other.  Hours of alcohol-induced conversation made them amorous, and they agreed to continue their night in a more private location.

There was just one potential problem.

“Honey, you need to know ahead of time,” the woman said, “that it’s that time of the month.”

“I don’t know what today’s date is,” the lout said, puzzled.

“I’m going through my, you know, that time that’s called a punctuation mark that ends a sentence.”

“I hate grammar,” the lout said, befuddled and getting annoyed.

“I’m in the rough time of my… cycle.”

“Oh,” the lout said, suddenly sympathetic.  “We can take my car.”

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And if you haven’t had enough, before I wrote “Best Dirty Jokes Ever,” I used to make up stories about…

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