A “Best God Joke Ever!” is a slightly religious joke that isn’t meant to offend anybody. I don’t mind if I accidentally/incidentally offend people, but I don’t go out of my way to do it. We true believers shouldn’t worry about God jokes because when people are making God jokes, it shows that God is still relevant. Now when people stop making God jokes, that’s when we can start worrying.
*****
GOD GETS ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK AND TWITTER
It was the new millennium, and as God looked over humanity, He was again saddened and disappointed by what He saw. Humans had developed almost miraculous technology and yet were misusing it for their base desires. Men used technology for porn. Women used the technology for gossip. Criminals used the technology to help themselves steal and murder. Very little productive was being done with these wonderful tools that God had allowed/helped humans to discover.
And so God decided to step in.
First, God created an account on Facebook and friended everybody. When He was rejected by most Facebook users, God was stunned.
“Who would dare not to friend God?” God asked with indignation, tempted to set the world on fire.
But instead, God upgraded His Facebook page.
He put up photos of Adam and Eve with the apple, Moses parting the Red Sea, and Jesus walking on water. These pictures created a huge stir on the internet, as image experts closely examined the pictures for signs of image editing or anachronisms (God had made Moses take off his watch), but the photos were authentic, and people throughout the world began to believe that this particular Facebook page truly belonged to God.
And soon God had more friends than anybody else on Facebook, and God was happy.
Next, God went on Twitter. It was sometimes difficult to keep His good word to 140 characters, but He was God and the Twitter technology showed remarkable flexibility when God wrote too much. God used Twitter to shame individuals of their sins. He publically warned men (and women) not to cheat, not to watch porn (at least not at work), not to discuss politics where food was being served, and of course not to steal, murder, and the usual stuff.
Humans did not stop committing acts of sin, but the number of acts of sin decreased greatly.
Atheists, however, refused to believe that this was the work of God. It had to be a hacker with enough resources to check individual internet usage and deduce who was sinning and how. No amount of evidence was enough to prove to them that God existed and had gotten addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
“Prove that you’re God,” the skeptics demanded to God. “Perform a miracle for us.”
“Is nothing enough for you?” God scoffed. “I have just used Facebook and Twitter in a positive way to do good in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.”
*****
LITERARY GOD JOKE!
God visits a book publisher in his dream and says, “I command you to publish all of my books from The Bible separately, give them new covers, and charge a separate price for each of them. A separate book for Genesis. A separate book for Job. A separate book for each of them.”
The publisher quickly awakens in a cold sweat, not because he’s talking to God, but because of the idea God is suggesting. “But God!” he says. “Those individual books are too small, and they’re too many of them. Nobody would buy them all.”
“You question the word of God?” God says, indignation in his voice. “Make these books available on reading devices as well, and charge $9.99 for each.”
“What?” the publisher sputters. “People won’t stand for that. They won’t buy them. Even worse, they’ll one-star each book in their reviews and complain about overcharging for digital content that doesn’t cost anything to produce.”
“Who would dare to one-star the word of God?” God roars, sending spasms of fear throughout the publisher’s body.
“Not I,” reiterates the publisher, who is barely able to speak. “But why do this, God?” the publisher asks. “The Bible is the best selling book of all time. Do you really need the money?”
“No,” God grumbles, his voice lowered. “I just want to have more book titles published than L. Ron Hubbard.”
*****
GOD AS PRESIDENT OBAMA’S TOUR GUIDE
A long time from now, many years and years in the future, President Obama dies from natural causes. It’s a peaceful, nonviolent death, and comes after a very productive and happy life. This anecdote is about what happens afterward and should not be interpreted in any way as wishing anything bad upon our president.
In other words, Secret Service agents do not need to visit Dysfunctional Literacy.
Now back to the story.
Usually St. Peter greets people at the pearly gates, but President Obama was so (awesome/miserable) that God wanted to greet him Himself. God normally likes to present Himself in the form of something that a mere human can understand, so God showed up to greet Barack Obama in the form of Barack Obama.
“Welcome to Heaven,” God said. “I wanted to personally meet the man who had the (best/worst/most mediocre) presidential (term/terms) in United States history.”
“This isn’t what I was expecting,” Obama said, looking around and thinking about his… Christian… upbringing.
God took Obama to a basketball court surrounded by ancient Greek pillars and a multitude of adoring fans shouting “Obama! Obama!” Michelle appeared out of the mists, and they hugged each other for a long time. But while he was embracing his heavenly wife, Obama was thinking about the basketball court.
Obama looked more closely at the court and saw dozens of NBA greats like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Kobe Bryant playing in their primes. Excited, Obama then noticed that LeBron James was nowhere to be seen.
When Obama asked about LeBron, God shook his head. “Unfortunately, there is only one King here in Heaven, and LeBron couldn’t accept that, so he is playing in one of the lower leagues.”
Obama then asked why Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosch were there in Heaven and God said, “They like LeBron, but they couldn’t take that kind of Heat.”
The NBA players motioned Obama to the court, and Obama couldn’t believe it. “I can play a pick-up game with them?”
“Not only that,” God said, “but you can’t get hurt when somebody fouls you or elbows you in the face. This is Heaven, after all. And you’ll need these.” God handed Obama a pack of cigarettes. “In Heaven, you can smoke these and never get sick.”
“Uhhhh… let me be clear,” Obama said, in disbelief. “I can play pickup games with the best NBA players ever, not get hurt, smoke cigarettes while I play, and throngs of people call my name in adoration.”
“This is your perfect world,” God said. “You may even eat fast food whenever you want.”
Obama looked around and saw some Republicans in the distance drilling for oil and shooting criminals for target practice.
“If this is my perfect world, how come they’re here?” Obama asked.
“This is everyone’s perfect world,” God answered. “You get to have your fun. They get to have their fun. And none of you will ever get to be president again.”
*****
JACKASS STUNT GUY GETS INTO HEAVEN
One day a stunt guy from Jackass died and found himself standing in a long line in front of the pearly gates. When the stunt guy was finally met by St. Peter, the guy wisely kept his mouth shut and listened to the lecture he knew he was going to get.
“You have led a reckless life,” St. Peter said to the stunt guy. “You have much to answer for. But God loves all of his children, so you have an opportunity to redeem yourself before entering God’s kingdom.
“Your first step is to fit yourself through the eye of this needle,” and St. Peter handed the Jackass stunt guy a tiny needle with the most miniscule of eyes. The stunt guy sighed and began stuffing himself head first through the needle’s eye. He was grunting and wheezing, struggling to fit his shoulders through when St. Peter reared back and kicked the stunt guy in the nuts.
A bunch of angels who had gathered laughed uproariously at this and took their turns periodically kicking the stunt guy in the nuts and in his butt. The stunt guy struggled and tried to squeeze through, and he cursed at the angels, even using the Lord’s name in vain several times. Finally, he managed to squeeze through the needle’s eye, and he dropped to the next level.
The stunt guy then found himself skateboarding down a tunnel while being chased by a three-headed dog who kept biting at his butt and his groin. A large group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy and the dog, yelling and hollering, laughing whenever the dog got a piece of the stunt guy. The stunt guy cursed at the dog, at the angels, and even at the skateboard for not going faster.
The stunt guy then had to run up a hill, but an angel was at the top rolling huge boulders down at him. The stunt guy dodged the boulders to keep from getting flattened, but then the angel started throwing stones at the stunt guy’s groin while he was dodging the boulders and running. A group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy, cheering and hollering, laughing whenever a stone hit the stunt guy in the nuts. The stunt guy cursed at the boulders, at the stones, at the angel throwing the stones, and even at the angels laughing at him.
An angel appeared next to St. Peter and seemed sympathetic toward the stunt guy as he looked over the obstacle course that had to be completed. “At this rate, he’ll never make it into the kingdom of Heaven,” the angel observed.
“He’s a Jackass,” St. Peter said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “To him, this is Heaven.”
*****
Yeah, we know this last one really isn’t a God joke, but it’s close enough, at least until we write another joke that’s actually about God.
For another God joke, see “Obama Plays Golf with God” in The Best Obama Jokes Ever!
Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand
Dysfunctional Literacy is supposed to be a comedy site, right? One book reviewer here got to make fun of Snookie’s(?) novel(?). Another pointed out the literary weaknesses of Tina Fey’s memoir. Somebody else mocked Sue Grafton’s alphabet mystery series. One of the reviewers here was even allowed to write a bunch of lame Moby Dick jokes. What do I get? A book about POWs getting tortured during World War II.
Don’t get me wrong. Unbroken is probably the best best-selling book I’ve read in a while. And, despite its subject, it’s not even a downer. I’m just miffed that I have to review a very serious book for a comedy blog, and if I don’t do it right, we lose our funding.
WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE TITLE?
I might not be allowed to make fun of the book, but can I at least mock the title a little bit? Please? That’s an eleven word title (nine if you count World War II as one word). It sounds like a term paper title turned in by a student trying desperately to impress a teacher. Unbroken would have been a perfect title by itself. If the publishers absolutely needed more, then they should have stopped at Survival. But no, they had to show off by adding alliteration with Redemption and Resiliency. Or was it Resiliency and Redemption?
For the record, I know “resiliency” isn’t a word, but I like to say and write it.
WHAT ABOUT A SYNOPSIS?
We don’t do synopses (synopsi? synopsises?) at Dysfunctional Literacy because you can get those from any other site that discusses or reviews books. We just tell you what we like and don’t like about the book, and we try to do it without giving away too much information.
HOW DO YOU WRITE ABOUT TORTURE?
The author, Laura Hillenbrand, had to be careful when writing about Japanese prison guard tactics. If she had described it too brutally, she would have made it difficult for some of the more sensitive of readers to continue. If she had sanitized it too much, readers would not have been able to grasp how difficult it was to survive.
Hillenbrand’s writing style left me with kind of a detached feeling as I read about the abuse. As bad as the conditions were described, I know in reality that the conditions were far worse. It’s almost impossible to convey in words what the Japanese soldiers did to civilians and prisoners during World War II. That’s why pictures from that time period are so important. But the author describes the conditions without getting too graphic and keeps most of it plot driven. The descriptions are graphic, but not gratuitous.
WHO ATE THE CHOCOLATE?
I know that as a mere blogger who has never served in the military, I don’t have any business second-guessing Louis Zamperini’s word about anything. I just think there is more to the chocolate story than what the book says.
If you’ve already read the book, you should know what I’m referring to. If you haven’t read the book, I’m not allowed to go any further because we don’t do spoilers here.
IS THE BOOK TOO LONG?
At 496 pages, this book is cutting it close. At Dysfunctional Literacy, we have a rule about not reading books over 500 pages long (with exceptions, of course). In the hands of another author, this book would have been overwrought and overlong, but 500 pages is close to perfect.
One section is about pre-war Louis. Then we have World War II Louis. Then we have post-war Louis (It’s not spoilers to let you know Louis survived World War II; otherwise, the title probably wouldn’t be Unbroken or have the word Survival in it.). That’s about 500 pages worth of material, and I never felt the urge to break out my red editing (Tom Clancy) pen.
The title might be too long, but the book isn’t. Is that irony?
THE CASE FOR READING UNBROKEN
It’s a story worth telling, and the story is told well. It’s a 500 page book that I never got bored with. It’s difficult to keep a dysfunctional literate interested for 500 pages. It’s also probably a sign of poor writing when you start four sentences in a row with the same word.
THE CASE FOR NOT READING UNBROKEN
Some readers might not care for the prisoner-of-war section of the book, which is long and graphic. You might have to be in a certain frame of mind to read this.
FINAL VERDICT
Reviews at one of the online bookselling sites give it a 5-star average, which at over 1200 reviews is very rare and impressive. I would give it four stars, a thumbs up, a yes, and a somewhat highly recommend.
Hey, for me, a chronic whiner about the lack of quality in today’s literature, that’s high!
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
President Obama was talking at a press conference in between debt ceiling negotiations with Republicans. Compromise was uncertain, and Obama was complaining about the lack of cooperation from his political opponents.
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said. “My critics need to man up, nut up, and shut up if they can’t offer any alternatives. I will not rest until this nation’s financial stability is… uh… secured, and that may require some… uh… sacrifice from the nation’s wealthiest who need to pay more of their fair share.”
“Mr. President,” a reporter from FOX News spoke up. “You talk of sacrifice, and many Americans are sacrificing right now. Unemployed Americans looking for work are sacrificing because employers won’t hire because of economic uncertainty based on high debt. Seniors living on fixed incomes are sacrificing because of low interest rates. Future generations, our children and grandchildren, will sacrifice paying off this debt the federal government is accumulating.”
“Uh, is there a question in there?” Obama asked, wondering why a FOX reporter had been allowed to talk.
“Many Americans are sacrificing now or will sacrifice because of this national debt. What are you personally going to sacrifice, Mr. President?”
President Obama nodded thoughtfully and said, “A second term?”
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
A “Best Dirty Joke Ever” is a vulgar adult joke that doesn’t use foul language and four-letter words. It involves subtlety, nuance, euphemisms, and idioms. The blunt, coarser dirty jokes might be funnier, but they aren’t the “Best Ever.” With a “Best Dirty Joke Ever,” if a boss threatens to fire you or an easily offended co-worker tries to sue you, you can always claim that you didn’t know what the joke meant or that they misunderstood you; it might not work, but you can at least try. Telling a dirty joke while being able to distance yourself from the negative consequences, that’s what makes a dirty joke a “Best Dirty Joke Ever!”
*****
Rich Guy Gets Off
One night while on vacation, a rich guy finished showering and stepped out naked from his bathroom. When he walked into his bedroom, still naked, he surprised his hot young maid, who was fluffing some pillows. He leered at her. She smiled at him.
And a few hours later he was arrested.
A veteran police officer and a rookie were at the police station discussing the case and the prospects of the rich guy going to prison.
“The defense attorney said it’s an easy case,” the rookie said. “The guy’s going to get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off.”
“That’s not what the prosecution thinks,” the veteran said. “They said he won’t get off because when the maid told him to get off, he got off instead.”
“Let me get this straight,” the rookie said. “This rich guy might get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off, or he might not get off because he got off when the maid told him to get off.”
“This is worse than ‘Who’s on First?’” said the veteran.
“What are you talking about?” demanded the rookie.
“You’ve never heard of ‘Who’s on First?’” the veteran asked, astonished at the lack of knowledge this young rookie had.
“We already know who was on first,” the rookie said. “We just don’t know how he got off.”
****
WARNING! These next two jokes are variations of anecdotes that I heard as a kid, and they stuck with me. Of course, I had to pretend to understand them at the time, and then years later the light bulb went off.
*****
Male Dog Grooms Himself
Two guys were sitting on a porch, discussing (who cares what they were talking about?) something not very important, when they noticed a dog licking himself in the front yard. The dog was intent on his work, nose planted between his hind legs, tongue making loud slurping noises.
Both men stopped talking so that they could watch the dog.
“I wish I could do that,” one guy said wistfully.
“He doesn’t like strangers,” the other guy said. “You’d better pet him first.”
*****
That Time of the Punctuation
A handsome lout was sitting in a bar by himself. He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was wondering who he was going to mooch off of this time.
A woman of equal moral character approached him.
“Hey, big boy,” she said in her best seductive voice. “Do you want some company?”
This proposition sounded great to the lout, and the two of them spent the evening drinking and getting to know each other. Hours of alcohol-induced conversation made them amorous, and they agreed to continue their night in a more private location.
There was just one potential problem.
“Honey, you need to know ahead of time,” the woman said, “that it’s that time of the month.”
“I don’t know what today’s date is,” the lout said, puzzled.
“I’m going through my, you know, that time that’s called a punctuation mark that ends a sentence.”
“I hate grammar,” the lout said, befuddled and getting annoyed.
“I’m in the rough time of my… cycle.”
“Oh,” the lout said, suddenly sympathetic. “We can take my car.”
*****
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
As part of our Derision 2012 coverage, Dysfunctional Literacy is examining each presidential candidate. We begin our coverage with a recent entry into the Republican primary, Thaddeus McCotter, congressman from Michigan. After a quick examination (less than five minutes), we have decided to tentatively endorse Thaddeus McCotter for the Republican nomination.
In order to receive our endorsement, we needed five good(?) reasons to vote for this candidate along with less than five concerns.
FIVE REASONS TO VOTE FOR THADDEUS MCCOTTER
1. He’s bald. In a profession known for hair plugs and bad combovers, Thaddeus McCotter seems to wear his baldness like a real man.
SUGGESTION- Rep. McCotter should go with the Mr. Clean look. It will add 10% to his poll numbers (though we recognize that adding 10% to statistically nothing will still mean statistically nothing).
2. McCotter has a dry deadpan sense of humor that nobody laughs at. We at Dysfunctional Literacy know the feeling of saying something humorous, only to be met with stone silence. Watch McCotter’s speech “How to Speak Democrat,” and try not to squirm at the lack of hilarity.
3. Welcome Mack Kotter! C’mon, that would make a great political sign. Add the theme music/song from Welcome Back Kotter, and you have a ready made anthem for a candidate with near nonexistent poll numbers.
SUGGESTION: McCotter should use the theme music from Welcome Back Kotter (with lots of Welcome Mack Kotter signs) without permission at one of his rallies. When Gabe Kaplan (or anyone associated with the show) issues a cease and desist order against him, McCotter could claim Hollywood bias against conservatives. This will give him instant media attention (from some outlets) and again probably increase his poll numbers. This stunt might get him out of the statistically nothing range.
This also might get Gabe Kaplan the publicity and backing he needs for Fast Break 2.
4. No memoirs. We already have a president who wrote two memoirs before he became president, and look how that’s turning out for the country. If McCotter can run an entire campaign without writing a memoir that nobody is going to read, then he might be the right (as in correct) man (or person) for the job.
5. He hasn’t been labeled yet. Every other candidate has already been labeled, even (especially) the incumbent. McCotter is so low profile that he has a chance to control how he will be presented to the American public. He can actually use his statistically nonexistent poll numbers to his advantage by creating his persona before his opponents do. Democrats (and other Republicans) haven’t tried to label him (probably) because they think he isn’t worth their time. McCotter can make them pay for misunderestimating him… and crush them with his baritone monotone eloquence!!
CONCERNS
1. He’s running for president. There has to be something psychologically wrong with anybody that wants to be President of the United States. It’s okay for kids to want to be president when they grow up because they’re kids and are too stupid to know better. But adults? Any adult that has a desire to be president and thinks that he (or she) is capable enough has to have something wrong psychologically or emotionally and therefore should be disqualified. Unfortunately, that rule isn’t in the United States Constitution.
2. He plays the guitar. There are few things more distasteful than a politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. One of them is a Republican politician trying to be hip by playing a musical instrument. It’s almost as bad as sending pictures of your package on Twitter; your constituents might love you enough to overlook it, but the rest of the country will think you need to find employment elsewhere. And you’re definitely not going to be president doing that (if you’re a Republican).
On the other hand, if McCotter is running for president solely as publicity for his rock (is that what you call it?) band, then our endorsement will be officially withdrawn.
*****
As an influential member of the media, we have to admit that sometimes we at Dysfunctional Literacy misjudge things, so when you vote for president, don’t use our endorsement as your only reason.
MOMENTS OF BAD JUDGEMENT from DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
- We originally believed that Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account had been hacked.
- We believed that Charlie Sheen would return to Two and a Half Men.
- We believed LeBron James would redeem himself in the playoffs.
- We believed that readers would be entertained by Dysfunctional Grammar (which no longer exists).
- We believed that the IMF French guy did it (well, we still believe that).
Welcome Mack Kotter for President 2012!
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Dysfunctional Literacy 