I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Jon Stewart from The Daily Show goes on a FOX News program and gets interviewed by Chris Wallace. When Stewart says that his job is more difficult than Chris Wallace’s, Wallace looks shocked.
“How can that be?” Wallace asks as a follow-up.
“You only have to write these dumb*** questions,” Stewart says. “I’m the one who has to answer them.”
*****
Yes, we made up that dialogue, but the interview happened, and we’ll get to that later. But first, we have to set up a major announcement.
THE 10-YEAR-OLD JOKE THAT’S NO LONGER FUNNY
The Daily Show made news recently by launching its “Indecision 2012” campaign for the upcoming presidential election.
Indecision? 2012?
C’mon, not only is that an old bit, it doesn’t even make sense anymore.
The original Indecision campaign (if I remember correctly) was in response to the Bush-Gore recounts back in 2000. The term Indecision 2000 made sense then because the country had seemed… indecisive. Now? The term no longer works, but The Daily Show keeps using it.
I hear Jon Stewart also tells hilarious Y2K jokes.
IS JON STEWART REALLY A COMEDIAN, OR IS HE A HACK PRETENDING TO BE A COMEDIAN?
We at Dysfunctional Literacy don’t care if Jon Stewart makes fun of FOX News or Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly. We don’t care whose viewers are better informed. We don’t care if Jon Stewart’s job is harder than Chris Wallace’s (because from our point of view, neither of them is really “working”). But we are interested if Jon Stewart is being honest when he says that he is a comedian first, or if he’s being dishonest and using his comedy to promote his political views.
WHY IS THIS ISSUE IMPORTANT?
It probably isn’t. But it’s more fun than discussing fiscal issues or foreign policy. At the same time, Stewart’s accused others of being political hacks, and it would be fun to see if he is a hack too but just a funny hack.
SIGNS THAT STEWART IS A COMEDIAN FIRST
- His television show is on Comedy Central. That would imply that the comedy is more important than anything else.
- Stewart is actually funny sometimes. Most hacks aren’t funny. If they are funny, it’s usually unintentional.
- Stewart says he’s a comedian first. People, to some extent, should be allowed to define themselves, and the burden of proof is on others to prove they are lying.
SIGNS THAT STEWART IS A POLITICAL HACK FIRST
- His enemy is FOX News. Most of the time a comedian’s enemy is another comedian, maybe one who steals material or hits on girlfriends. John Stewart’s enemy should be Stephen Colbert for leaving his show and starting one of his own. If your arch-enemy is a news channel with a political slant, you might not be into the comedy first.
- He held a rally. Comedians don’t hold rallies. They perform. The average person does not travel to Washington D.C. to see a comedian perform; they go to Washington D.C. to be a part of something bigger than themselves (sometimes that’s called activism, but Stewart says he’s not an activist either). The average person waits for the comedian to come to them in a local club or arena.
- He argues with pundits instead of telling jokes when interviewed. This suggests that he is either not funny without his writers, or he has a cause that is more important than humor. Comedians don’t argue with pundits; hacks argue with pundits.
FINAL VERDICT
We don’t want to get into a high blood pressure argument about whether or not Jon Stewart is a comedian first or a hack first. It’s an interesting topic, but it’s not one worth losing friendships (or potential readers) over. However, we asked the question. We’re not going to be wimpy and not answer it.
So the answer is… Jon Stewart is a political hack.
LONGWINDED EXPLANATION
It was 2004. Jon Stewart was a guest on a CNN show called Crossfire. At one time, Crossfire had been a great show, a relevant show (CNN? Relevant? Yes, Grasshopper, there was a time long, long ago when CNN was relevant.), but by 2004 it had fallen on hard times. FOX News had surpassed CNN in ratings, and the Crossfire hosts at that time didn’t have the charisma of the show’s founders. That evening when Jon Stewart was the guest, the people at Crossfire probably thought they were going to have a light-hearted show with a hip comedian, and instead, they got blindsided.
Stewart got into an intense argument with (kind of) conservative host Tucker Carlson and said that shows like Crossfire were hurting the political process (as opposed to comedy shows that treat serious issues like they’re jokes, but that’s for another day). At that time Crossfire didn’t have the ratings to affect political discourse, but nobody from Crossfire mentioned that in their defense. In hindsight, somebody from the show probably should have. A few months later, Crossfire was cancelled and replaced by a bunch of long forgotten programs that didn’t improve CNN ratings. Whatever CNN’s problems were at the time, the political discourse on Crossfire probably wasn’t one of them.
Getting back to the comedian/hack argument, if you’re a comedian, you don’t argue with Tucker Carlson on Crossfire; you make fun of him. You make fun of his bow tie (which he eventually stopped wearing). You make fun of his dancing skills (which unfortunately we didn’t know about in 2004). You make fun of his hair. You make fun of Paul Begala’s facial expressions. You make fun of Crossfire’s studio audience whooping it up like drunks at a strip club. You make fun of CNN’s low ratings. But you don’t argue with the host or tell him his show is damaging the political process. That’s rude, and it’s not funny.
If this had happened only once, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. But Stewart’s gone after other news personalities and lectured them or lectured about them. Comedians don’t do that. The brilliance of this from Stewart’s point of view is that pundits and politicians don’t know how to handle it. If you argue with a comedian (or somebody who’s supposed to be one), you look stupid. If you sit there and go along with it, you look like a chump. If his shtick were simply to make pundits look stupid, then that could be comedic, but these confrontations are serious and awkward, and they aren’t funny.
So whatever it’s about, it’s not about the comedy.
Therefore, the final verdict is that Jon Stewart is a hack first and a comedian second.
If you don’t like the verdict, remember, this is a comedy(?) blog, so you’re not supposed to take what we say seriously.
*****
UPDAE- June, 2018
Yeesh, that old post was long-winded. If you actually read the whole thing… why? And why was I referring to myself as “we”? There must have been something seriously wrong with me (that went undiagnosed) back then.
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Sue Grafton may be wondering how she can begin the title of her 27th Kinsey Millhone novel with an ampersand (&). Image via Wikipedia
When I first saw A is for Alibi and B is for Burglar, I thought to myself, no way. There is no way this author is going to get through the entire alphabet. Well, I have to give Sue Grafton credit for persistence; it looks like she’s going to make it. I’ve been mocking Grafton’s ploy for more than a decade now (R is for Repetitive and U is for Unreadable), but I guess the laugh is on me because I got assigned to review her collection for Dysfunctional Literacy.
THE SUE GRAFTON DRINKING GAME
Get a bunch of people and recite the alphabet using Sue Grafton books. A is for Alibi! B is for Burglar! When somebody messes up (“F is for… F***, I Can’t Remember!” followed by drunken hysterical laughter), that person takes a drink. Once participants complete the first round, then everybody has to do it backwards. V is for Vengeance! Yeah, it’s not out yet, but if you start with U is for Undertow, you have to take a drink. In the third round, contestants have to think of possible titles for X, Y, and Z. Z is for ZZZZZZZ because once you get to Z, everybody will be passed out sloppy drunk.
THE PROBLEM WITH U IS FOR UNDERTOW
It’s a 380 page book with a 150 page story. There were entire pages that could have been chopped, paragraphs of conversation that could have been paraphrased in one sentence and move on. My guess is that this is what happens when you’ve written over 20 books with the same character. Grafton’s loyal readers might actually be interested in every conversation and detail from her life. We dysfunctional literates don’t care. Solve the mystery, and let us readers get satisfaction from seeing justice done.
Evidently, Sue Grafton readers like U is for Undertow. And I’ll admit that we dysfunctional literates aren’t her target audience. But if she’s interested in dysfunctional literates (and there are lots of us out there), give me a couple days and a red marker, and I could edit that book down to 200 pages and make it much more readable. Of course, if we follow Dysfunctional Literacy’s Rule #2, we’re not going to read more than three of her books, so from her point of view, why bother?
WHY SHOULD I READ U IS FOR UNDERTOW?
The mystery is interesting. The first chapter sets up the plot very well, and when I read it, I thought maybe I had been misjudging the series all these years. Then I got to chapter 2 and was given a bunch of unnecessary information about the main character’s daily routine. When Grafton sticks to the plot, she’s great. If you choose to read it, you may have to skim through some pages and then read more carefully in other areas, but you have to be careful doing this because it’s not always easy to tell what parts are skimmable and what parts are important to the plot. If you don’t mind getting sidetracked with seemingly unnecessary details, you’ll probably enjoy the book.
More good news is that Sue Grafton has become the perfect example of Dysfunctional Literacy’s Rule #4.
DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY RULE #4
Don’t read authors who write too many books.
If an author writes too many books (One a year is too many. One every two years is pushing it.), it’s a sign that the author is not taking the craft seriously. Money, not quality, is probably the author’s first priority. I, as a dysfunctional literate, have no problem with an author trying to make as much money as possible. Go for it. But I, as a dysfunctional literate, choose not to read books by authors who churn out material that quickly (unless the sex and violence scenes are really well written).
WHY ARE YOU PICKING ON SUE GRAFTON?
I pity the fool who back in 1982 saw Grafton’s A is for Alibi and thought to herself (or himself, but probably herself), “I wonder what she’ll come up for the letter ‘Z.’ I can’t wait to read it.”
To be fair, Grafton is not the only author who writes too many books. John Sandford has written 20 Prey novels where all his characters talk the same way. Bernard Cornwell has written a bunch of Sharpe books that use the exact same formula (It’s a miracle that the French won any battles during the Napoleonic Wars). I haven’t read a Stephen King novel since Pet Cemetery (Yeah, I know I’ve missed out on a couple good ones, but those are outweighed by the stinkers I’ve avoided). Ever since The Pelican Brief, John Grisham has developed a very detached style that keeps me from caring what happens to the characters.
If authors can get away with writing this many books, there’s really no incentive for them to stop. As dysfunctional literates, we should realize that life is too short to read 26 Kinsey Millhone adventures. Surely one or two are enough. There must be at least 20 other books that are better than the Grafton novels (or the King novels, or the Clancy novels, or… You get the idea!) you miss by reading something else.
And yes, it really is an “either/or” situation. Our time is limited, and reading O is for Oh, I Really Don’t Want To Look it up is going to keep me from reading something else.
And that something else might be awesome!
Kim Kardashian might not think these jokes are funny, but at least her adoring fans think she’s awesome!! Image via Wikipedia
****
If a humor site or blog still has a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes, then you might want to go somewhere else. Here at Dysfunctional Literacy’s Best Celebrity Jokes Ever, I use only the freshest of celebrity jokes written by …me, so I guess I have nobody else to blame.
*****
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
"Uh... Let me be frank... That blinding bald spot is... uh... making me forget... uh... what you just said." Image via Wikipedia
If you’re tired of the same old President Barack Obama jokes (teleprompter? 57 states?), then this page of original Obama jokes should get you through your fix.
*****
PRESIDENT OBAMA RUNS OUT OF MONEY
President Obama was dining out one night and was about to order dessert when a presidential aide whispered into his ear, “Mr. President, I apologize for interrupting, but you’re out of money.”
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “that is just partisan right-wing fear mongering.”
“No, Mr. President,” the aide continued. “Your personal budget is out of money. We need your permission to pull money from another part of the budget and put it into your account.”
The president and his aide spoke of money and budgets for a few minutes, and when the aide left, Obama relaxed by watching the restaurant television. A montage of public figures being physically assaulted was being played on a news show. Some guy was throwing a shoe at a former president from a few years ago. A couple political speakers got hit in the face with pies. A couple presidential candidates from the opposing party got glitter bombed.
As President Obama watched and grinned, he noticed a child approaching him, holding something suspicious. Before Obama could react, Secret Service agents jumped on the child, throwing him to the floor and frisking him.
“Why were you rushing the president?” one agent, gun drawn, said to the boy.
“Mmmfff, rrmmmfff, bbmmmfff,” the boy said, his face mashed against the floor.
“Mr. President, this appears to be a piggy bank,” another agent said. He shook the piggy and added, “There seems to be money inside.”
After agents released the child, the boy regained his composure and said to President Obama, “Mr. President, I heard that you ran out of money, and I’d like to help.” He took his piggy bank from the Secret Service agent and gave it to the president. “I hope this is enough to pay your bill.”
One of the aides whispered to Obama, “Mr. President, you can’t accept money from a child.”
“Let me be frank,” President Obama replied. “He’s going to have to pay for my spending sooner or later, so he might as well start now.”
*****
PRESIDENT OBAMA TALKS ABOUT SACRIFICE
President Obama was speaking at a press conference in between debt ceiling negotiations with Republicans. Compromise was uncertain, and Obama was complaining about the lack of cooperation from his political opponents.
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said. “I will not rest until this nation’s financial stability is… uh… secured, and that may require some… uh… sacrifice from the nation’s wealthiest who need to pay more of their fair share.”
“Mr. President,” a reporter from FOX News spoke up. “You talk of sacrifice, and many Americans are sacrificing right now. Unemployed Americans looking for work are sacrificing because employers won’t hire because of economic uncertainty based on high debt. Seniors living on fixed incomes are sacrificing because of low interest rates. Future generations, our children and grandchildren, will sacrifice paying off this debt the federal government is accumulating. What are you personally going to sacrifice, Mr. President?”
President Obama nodded thoughtfully and said, “A second term?”
*****
PRESIDENT OBAMA PLAYS GOLF WITH GOD
It had been a rough few weeks for President Obama. The economy was bad. Unemployment was high. Every other week there was a new military action. The national debt was rising at an insurmountable rate. The First Lady was giving him grief about his smoking and eating habits. President Obama, however, was a deep sleeper, and one night God came down from Heaven to visit Obama in his dream.
“Hello, my son,” God said (because we are all God’s children, not because President Obama is the … Aw, never mind). “Once during every president’s term, I come down from Heaven to give one piece of advice. In this way, I show my love for the United States because it is truly dear to my heart, more so than any other country.”
“Uh, I appreciate your intent, God, but, let me be clear, I am trying to sleep,” Obama said, confused by this conversation with God.
“Every president has accepted my advice, even President Bush,” God said. “You would be wise to ask me one question and follow my advice carefully.
Obama was puzzled. “So a few years ago when George Bush said he spoke with you, he was telling the truth.”
“Yes,” God said. “It is wise to follow my advice, but it is also sometimes prudent not to announce that you are following my advice.”
“Very well, then. I shall ask you for advice,” Obama said, thinking. “How can I improve my golf game?”
“What?” God responded with incredulity. “With all the problems that the United States has right now, you have the audacity to ask me about your golf game?”
“Let me be frank,” Obama said. “When you have gotten punched in the face and had your teeth knocked out, when you’ve been kicked in the testicles and hit on the head with a folding chair, it takes a little while to recover. I’ve got this. Now, are you going to help me with my golf game or not?”
God watched Obama’s swing and gave a few pointers, but Obama’s golf ball still ended up in the sandpits or knocked birds out of the sky (that always amused God but only in dreams because the birds weren’t real and didn’t actually get hurt). Finally, though, God had seen enough.
“Are you certain that you want to use my wisdom to improve your golf game?” God asked.
“Yes,” Obama said with confidence in his voice. “Please tell me how I may improve my golf game.”
“Cheat better,” God said, and then disappeared.
“That was odd,” Obama said when he woke up. He turned to his wife Michelle and explained how he had spoken with God in his dream. When he told her about getting advice about golf, Michelle became upset.
“With all that’s going on right now, you ask him to improve your golf game?” the First Lady said. “That was incredibly selfish of you.”
“What should I have requested?” Obama asked, genuinely surprised at his wife’s reaction.
Michelle said, “You should have asked him for the best place to go on vacation this summer.”
*****
PRESIDENT OBAMA VISITS THE FIRST SCHOOL NAMED AFTER HIM
A few months into his administration, President Obama decided to visit the first elementary school named after him, Barack H. Obama Elementary. He was understandably proud and knew the children (and maybe even the teachers and administrators) would be excited to see him visit.
As the presidential motorcade rolled up to the school, Obama noticed that the Obama hope flag was flying level next to the United States flag, and that made him happy.
As Obama and his entourage entered the school, he saw artistic posters of his image all over the school walls, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the school library, he saw that a whole row of books was devoted to his two memoirs, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the cafeteria, he saw food preparation staff steaming vegetables and inspecting fresh fruit for the children to eat and nourish themselves, and that made him happy (or at least made the first lady happy).
As Obama entered the school auditorium, he heard students chanting “Obama! Obama!” and then heard the school choir sing a hymn of Obama’s praises, and this made him happy.
Then just as Obama was beginning his speech to the children, the students began a unified prayer. At first he thought maybe the prayer was directed at him, but then he realized that the kids were actually praying to God, and this did not make President Obama happy.
Obama turned to the school’s principal and said, “Don’t you know that a led prayer at a public school is unconstitutional?”
“Yes, Mr. President,” the administrator stammered. “I think it’s a spontaneous prayer, and they’re only doing it today because you’re here.”
Obama was relieved. “Uhhhhh, let me be clear, then. These students are praying for my safety.”
“No, Mr. President. They’re praying that you won’t talk too long.”
MICHELLE OBAMA EATS AT A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT
*****
First Lady Michelle Obama walked into a fast food place and saw a guy sitting by himself eating an unhealthy meal with a huge burger, large fries, a large soda, and lots of pies. She sat next to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, sir, but none of this food is healthy. Don’t you know that you’re killing yourself by eating all of this?”
The man was stunned because the first lady was sitting next to him and she wasn’t wearing anything tacky.
When he recomposed himself, he realized that Michelle Obama was maligning his meal, and he became defensive.
“Mrs. First Lady, I voted for your husband, but if there’s one thing that I can’t stand, it’s a busybody butting into other people’s business. What I eat is no concern of yours, and if I want to eat a combo meal at a fast food place, let me enjoy my combo meal at a fast food place.”
“How can you enjoy that?” the first lady asked. “It’s all fat and grease.”
“Have you ever tried it before?” the man responded. When Michelle shook her head, the man continued, “Well, then you need to. You can’t criticize something if you haven’t tried it.”
“Wait!” Michelle whispered. “I can’t be seen eating a big hamburger like that. Make sure they break the hamburger up and put it in a salad container.”
The man smiled and placed the order at the counter. The man clarified, “And please crumble the hamburger into a salad container and cover it up with lettuce.”
When the man said this, the cashier called back to the manager in the back, “Michelle Obama is here again!”
Palin critics who don’t understand the context of this shirt would probably make a joke about it being a metaphor for her presidential aspirations. Image via Wikipedia
If you’re tired of the run-of-the-mill Sarah Palin joke (“She can see Russia from her house… Yawn.”), try these fresh Sarah Palin jokes written by the folks at Dysfunctional Literacy… that’s pretty much just me.
DISCLAIMER! The anecdotes below were originally presented on other pages of Dysfunctional Literacy and have been put together by popular demand (more like a couple requests).
*****
SARAH PALIN DECIDES TO RUN NOT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Sarah Palin was on a bus tour in a Republican primary state, and journalists who kept insisting she had no chance of becoming president kept on following her. After a rousing speech, she took questions from the press, who kept asking her if she was going to run for president. When she refused to give a yes-or-no answer, they badgered her by telling her the polls had her in single digits.
“Polls are for strippers to dance around and Russians to conquer,” Sarah Palin said. “My decision will not be based on polls.”
After much bantering back and forth, a family at the back of the crowd finally started chanting, “Four, three, two, one! Tell us if you’re going to run!”
“Wow!” one journalist said to another. “Palin should know things are getting bad when even Tea Partiers are getting impatient with her.”
“Tea Partiers?” the other journalist said. “That’s Sarah Palin’s family.”
*****
I deleted the rest of this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
*****
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
*****
I Wrote A Letter To My Teenage Self, And He Smarted Off At Me!
The Introvert’s Guide To Partying!
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