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Best Sarah Palin Jokes Ever!

June 23, 2011
 
Sarah Palin holding a T-shirt related to the G...

Palin critics who don't understand the context of this shirt would probably make a joke about it being a metaphor for her presidential aspirations. Image via Wikipedia

If you’re tired of the run-of-the-mill Sarah Palin joke (“She can see Russia from her house… Yawn.”), try these fresh Sarah Palin jokes written by the folks at Dysfunctional Literacy… that’s pretty much just me.

DISCLAIMER!  The  anecdotes below were originally presented on other pages of Dysfunctional Literacy and have been put together by popular demand (more like a couple requests).

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SARAH PALIN DECIDES TO RUN NOT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Sarah Palin was on a bus tour in a Republican primary state, and journalists who kept insisting she had no chance of becoming president kept on following her.  After a rousing speech, she took questions from the press, who kept asking her if she was going to run for president.  When she refused to give a yes-or-no answer, they badgered her by telling her the polls had her in single digits. 

“Polls are for strippers to dance around and Russians to conquer,” Sarah Palin said.  “My decision will not be based on polls.” 

After much bantering back and forth, a family at the back of the crowd finally started chanting, “Four, three, two, one! Tell us if you’re going to run!” 

“Wow!” one journalist said to another.  “Palin should know things are getting bad when even Tea Partiers are getting impatient with her.” 

“Tea Partiers?” the other journalist said.  “That’s Sarah Palin’s family.”

*****

 SARAH PALIN’S DELETED HUNTING SCENE 

Sarah Palin and Kate Gosseling went hunting in Alaska with Kate’s eight children and a bunch of reality television crews behind them.  With all the noise between the kids and the crew, it was difficult to spot any deaf mooses, but Sarah finally spotted a hungry bear, a ravenous bear that was so starving, it saw the reality crew as a meal rather than predators. 

Sarah took aim with her rifle, but as the bear charged, Kate got scared and shrieked in Sarah’s ear, throwing off Sarah’s aim, and she missed her shot.  The bear kept charging, the crew dropped their cameras and ran, the children scattered, and Kate clung to Sarah petrified, keeping Sarah from reloading. 

All Sarah could do was pray.  “Lord, please let this bear be a better Christian than I am.  Please let this bear be a better Christian than I am.  Please, Lord, let this bear be a better Christian than I am.” 

Suddenly, the bear stopped, got on its knees, and prayed.  It appeared that this was a miracle until they heard what the bear said in its prayer. 

“Dear Lord, thank you for the meal I am about to eat,” the bear prayed.  “You hath delivered unto me not one, but two humans, and I doth be grateful for thy generosity.” 

While the bear was praying, Sarah quickly reloaded her rifle and shot the bear, killing it with one pull of the trigger. 

“How could you do that?” Kate screamed.  “You asked God for a Christian bear, and this is what you do to it?” 

 “And people say I’m stupid” Sarah Palin said.  “That’s why I asked for the bear to be a better Christian than I am.”

*****

BRISTOL GOES CAMPING, GETS DRUNK, LOSES GRIZZLY BEAR 

When Bristol Palin was younger and not at all famous, she had a pet grizzly bear named Virginity.  Virginity was her favorite pet, and everywhere Bristol went, she took her grizzly bear Virginity with her. 

One day not so long ago, Levi Johnston asked Bristol if she’d like to go camping. 

“Dad says I can’t go camping until I’m married,” Bristol said. 

“We don’t have to really go camping,” Levi continued.  “We can just put up a tent and pretend.”

After much persuasion, Levi convinced Bristol to go to the camping grounds with him.  When they got to the camping ground, they put up the tent, drank a few too many wine coolers, and ended up going camping.  

When Bristol woke up, she discovered her grizzly bear Virginity was gone.  Bristol was both heartbroken and scared. 

“Oh no!” she cried.  “I’ve lost my dear Virginity.  Mom and Dad will kill me when they find out.” 

Bristol’s parents were indeed upset by her lost Virginity because they knew it would never come back.  After a few days of mourning, Bristol’s parents bought her another grizzly bear, one named Abstinence. 

“You don’t have to take Abstinence with you wherever you go,” her mother said.  “However, to teach yourself responsibility, you do have to talk about Abstinence wherever you go.  In that way, you may do penance for your lost Virginity.” 

For years, Bristol spoke of Abstinence wherever she went: speaking engagements, television shows, dancing contests, and book signings for her memoir.  And when she spoke of her Abstinence, it always reminded her of her lost Virginity. 

Finally one day, she had had enough.  Bristol was filming a new reality show after her memoir had been released, and she felt like she had outgrown the need to talk about Abstinence. 

She complained to her older brother who was on military leave.  “I’m a grown woman now.  If I don’t want to talk about Abstinence anymore, I shouldn’t have to!” 

“You know how Mom is about her grizzly bears,” her brother said.  “A couple years ago she lost her grizzly bear Publicity, and she’s been looking for it ever since.”

 

From → Best Jokes Ever!

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