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Jackass Stunt Guy Gets into Heaven

June 26, 2011

One day a stunt guy from Jackass died and found himself standing in a long line in front of the pearly gates.  When the stunt guy was finally met by St. Peter, the guy wisely kept his mouth shut and listened to the lecture he knew he was going to get. 

“You have led a reckless life,” St. Peter said to the stunt guy.  “You have much to answer for.  But God loves all of his children, so you have an opportunity to redeem yourself before entering God’s kingdom. 

“Your first step is to fit yourself through the eye of this needle,” and St. Peter handed the Jackass stunt guy a tiny needle with the most miniscule of eyes.  The stunt guy sighed and began stuffing himself head first through the needle’s eye.  He was grunting and wheezing, struggling to fit his shoulders through when St. Peter reared back and kicked the stunt guy in the nuts. 

A bunch of angels who had gathered laughed uproariously at this and took their turns periodically kicking the stunt guy in the nuts and in his butt.  The stunt guy struggled and tried to squeeze through, and he cursed at the angels, even using the Lord’s name in vain several times.  Finally, he managed to squeeze through the needle’s eye, and he dropped to the next level. 

The stunt guy then found himself skateboarding down a tunnel while being chased by a three-headed dog who kept biting at his butt and his groin.  A large group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy and the dog, yelling and hollering, laughing whenever the dog got a piece of the stunt guy.  The stunt guy cursed at the dog, at the angels, and even at the skateboard for not going faster. 

The stunt guy then had to run up a hill, but an angel was at the top rolling huge boulders down at him.  The stunt guy dodged the boulders to keep from getting flattened, but then the angel started throwing stones at the stunt guy’s groin while he was dodging the boulders and running.  A group of angels ran alongside the stunt guy, cheering and hollering, laughing whenever a stone hit the stunt guy in the nuts.  The stunt guy cursed at the boulders, at the stones, at the angel throwing the stones, and even at the angels laughing at him. 

An angel appeared next to St. Peter and seemed sympathetic toward the stunt guy as he looked over the obstacle course that had to be completed.  “At this rate, he’ll never make it into the kingdom of Heaven,” the angel observed. 

“He’s a Jackass,” St. Peter said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.  “To him, this is Heaven.”

From → Jokes/Generic

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