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The Best Celebrity Jokes Ever!

June 24, 2011
 
Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood...
Kim Kardashian might not think these jokes are funny, but at least she looks awesome!! Image via Wikipedia

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If a humor site or blog still has a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes, then you might want to go somewhere else.  Here at Dysfunctional Literacy’s Best Celebrity Jokes Ever, I use only the freshest of celebrity jokes written by …me, so I guess I have nobody else to blame. 

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KIM KARDASHIAN FALLS IN LOVE!

Soon after filing for divorce and making millions of devoted fans feel cheated, Kim Kardashian fell in love.  Really, Kim Kardashian fell in love.  I’m serious, Kim Kardashian truly, truly fell in love, and it was like nothing she had ever felt before.  Confused by these new emotions, Kim decided to (put on a really tight dress and) talk to a trusted friend. 

After excitedly telling her trusted friend about this man with whom she fell in love (his name must remain secret), Kim said, “I know that it sounds cynical and insincere, but I’m really in love with this wonderful man.  I’m really in love this time. You must believe me.” 

Kim’s trusted friend looked around the room, perplexed, and then looked at Kim.  “I believe you,” the trusted friend said. 

“Thank you!” Kim said, excited and relieved.  “How can you tell that I’m really in love this time?  Is it the rosy blush in my cheeks?  Is it the passion in my voice?” 

“No,” Kim’s trusted friend said.  

“Then how can you tell I’m truly in love?” 

Kim’s trusted friend looked around the room and said, “Because you forgot to bring your camera crew with you.”

***** 

JUSTIN BIEBER GETS INTO A FIGHT WITH SELENA GOMEZ

Justin Bieber and his girlfriend Selena Gomez were arguing in the back seat of their limo.  Selena had just seen a paparazzi shot in the tabloids of a girl kissing Justin, and she suspected he was cheating on her.  Selena was ticked off, and Justin was trying to profess his innocence and love for her. 

“But baby, baby, baby, I…” Justin said, stammering. 

“Don’t call me baby, baby, baby!” Selena screamed. 

“But I’d never…” 

“Never say never to me!” Selena shrieked. 

Justin kept forgetting that Selena hated it when he accidentally used his cheesy lyrics in actual conversations.  Then he realized that she had just said, “Never say never,” but he knew this was a bad time to point that out to her. 

Selena mistook Justin’s hesitation as guilty silence, and she had the driver stop the limo.  She fled from the limo in tears and ran straight into a night club. 

Justin tried to follow her into the club, but a giant bouncer stepped into his path. 

“Whoa!” said the bouncer. “Let me see some ID, and then you gotta pay.” 

Justin Bieber pulled his hood back so that the bouncer could see that he was Justin Bieber.  “I’m Justin Bieber.  My girlfriend just ran into the club, and, yo, I have to talk to her.” 

“I’m sorry, but you’re too young, Beebs,” the bouncer said.  “You gotta be 21 to get into a bar like this.” 

“But, like, you just let Selena Gomez in there,” Justin said, noticing that the night club was filled predominantly with young (but not as young as Selena Gomez) women.  “She’s not old enough either.” 

“It’s ladies’ night,” the bouncer explained, “not ‘boy who sings like a lady’s’ night.”

*****

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AND CHUCK NORRIS TEAM UP! 

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris were invited speakers at a science fiction/ comic book/ geek convention.  Arnold was there because of his roles as Conan and the Terminator.  Chuck was there because he’s Chuck Norris. 

While Arnold was speaking to the crowd, he noticed that somebody had taken his Conan the Barbarian sword from the display case.  Angrily, he addressed the crowd. 

“I am going to leave this voom vor vun minute.  Vhen I veturn, iv the svord is not veturned to the display case, by Crom, I vill kill you vith my bare hands!  I vill veast upon your bones over your gravesights.  I vill enslave your wives and vornicate your daughters.  Or I vill enslave your daughters and vornicate your wives.  Or I vill enslave and vornicate your wives and daughters!  You have vun minute until… I’ll… be… back!” 

The crowd cheered wildly at his performance (despite his mixing of roles in mid-sentence).  Arnold thought he had regained his acting chops, his gravitas, but when he returned to the conference room, the display case was still empty.  There was no sword. 

 Somebody from the crowd called out, “Vhen you left, did you vather any children out of vedlock?” and the crowd snickered and then fell silent. 

 Arnold was humiliated.  The audience was embarrassed, but nobody said anything.  The room was quiet, with lots of fanboys looking at the floor or at their phones. 

Chuck Norris had seen enough.  He stormed to the stage and grabbed the microphone.  “Enough, pencil necks,” he growled at the audience.  “Somebody stole my Walker, Texas Ranger hat once.” 

The crowd gasped. 

“That’s right.  I was at a geek convention in Omaha, just like this one, and somebody swiped my very own, original, one-and-only Walker, Texas Ranger hat when I was talking to a group just like you.” 

 The audience stared at Chuck Norris in stunned, respectful silence. 

 “I’m not proud of what I had to do that day, but I did what needed to be done, and I’ll do it again if I have to.  Arnold and I will leave the room one more time for one minute.  If the sword hasn’t been returned when we get back, I’ll have to do what I did in Omaha.” 

The audience’s collective jaw dropped in fear. 

“I don’t want to do what I did in Omaha.  Don’t make me do what I did in Omaha.  Don’t… make… me… do… it.” 

With that said, Chuck Norris left the room, and Arnold followed him.  When they returned a minute later, the sword was back in the display case.  And the audience was much relieved (some in their own pants). 

As Arnold and Chuck left the convention hall, Arnold tapped Chuck on the shoulder and said, “I must know.  Vhat did you do in Omaha?” 

Chuck Norris shrugged his shoulders and said, “I bought a new hat.” 

*****

LADY GAGA GETS BAD ADVICE FROM MADONNA 

It was a slow day for Lady Gaga.  Sales of her new song, record breaking at first, were starting to drop a little, and there was a political scandal so the news shows were talking about that instead of her for one day, and she was already feeling irrelevant.  Thinking that she needed to do something different, she called Madonna for some career advice. 

“Staying relevant is more difficult now than it used to be,” said Madonna.  “A couple decades ago, I could go years without reinventing myself.  Today with the internet, a performer has to constantly look for a new way to keep the audience’s attention and loyalty.” 

“That’s just it,” said Lady Gaga.  “I don’t want to be known as just a performer.  I want to be recognized for my singing ability too.” 

“Here’s what you need to do, then,” Madonna said.  “Get rid of the weird hair and the crazy outfits, and just go out there and sing.” 

Lady Gaga wasn’t sure that was such a good idea, but she decided to give it a try.  She went back to her natural hair, put all the crazy outfits away for future use, and grabbed a guitar.  During her next performance she went out with normal hair, very little makeup, without any of her fabulous outfits, and she sang an acoustic version of Born This Way. 

The audience loved it.  Guys were jumping up and down.  Critics were yelling at her that her performance was daring.  This will make me relevant again, she thought. 

When she went backstage, she saw Madonna waiting for her with a wry grin on her face. 

“Thank you, thank you,” Lady Gaga said.  “Do you hear them?  I followed your advice, and it worked.  They appreciate me for my singing.” 

“Uh, not quite,” Madonna said, hesitating.  “I think they’re applauding you because you’re naked.” 

“What?” Lady Gaga was shocked.  She had concentrated so hard on her hair and playing the acoustic guitar that she had forgotten to put on her clothes for the performance.  She was mortified, which didn’t happen to her very often. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Madonna said.  “Brunette and naked?  You really were Born this Way.”

From → Best Jokes Ever!

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