I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
President Bush explains to Obama and Clinton that he too can write his own memoir. Yes, he really can!! Image via Wikipedia
Decision Points by George W. Bush
Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama
BEST POLITICAL DISCUSSION STARTER EVER!
Read President Obama’s Dreams from My Father with a Decision Points book jacket over it. When some wise-acre says something derisive like, “Worst president ever,” you whip off the jacket and retort, “Yes! Yes, he is!”
This set-up can also work in reverse, with a Dreams from My Father jacket covering a Decision Points book.
Whether you think Bush sucks or Obama sucks, whether you think of Bush as the worst president ever or Obama as the worst president ever, this trick is the BEST POLITICAL CONVERSATION STARTER EVER!
WHICH PRESIDENTS REALLY WROTE THEIR OWN MEMOIRS?
Whenever a famous person writes a memoir, there is speculation and debate about whether or not that celebrity truly wrote the book. That happens because ghostwriting seems to be kind of accepted in the memoir business. So now there are those who question whether both our previous and current presidents wrote their respective memoirs, Decision Points and Dreams from My Father. In President Bush’s case, some people are skeptical that he can write at all, much less finish a 500 page page-turner. With President Obama, it was the flowery prose and poetic imagery that made conspiracy theorists shake their heads.
Here at Dysfunctional Literacy, we have a simple technique to determine if a famous person truly wrote his or her book. We read the words aloud, and if we can picture the alleged author speaking, if we can hear his voice along with the words, then we figure that the celebrity actually wrote the book.
First is a short excerpt from Decision Points by George Bush, from the first page of Chapter 1.
“I have a habitual personality. I smoked cigarettes for about nine years, starting in college. I quit smoking by dipping snuff. I quit that by chewing long-leaf tobacco. Eventually I got down to cigars.”
When you read that, can you picture President Bush uttering those words? The verdict from the staff at Dysfunctional Literacy is… yes. We proudly declare that President Bush is the true author of Decision Points. That was a no-brainer.
Next is a short excerpt from Dreams from My Father, from the first page of Chapter 1.
“I was living in New York at the time, on Ninety-fourth between Second and First, part of that unnamed, shifting border between East Harlem and the rest of Manhattan. It was an uninviting block, treeless and barren, lined with soot-colored walk-ups that cast heavy shadows for most of the day. The apartment was small, with slanting floors and irregular heat and a buzzer downstairs that didn’t work, so that visitors had to call ahead from a pay phone at the corner gas station, where a black Doberman the size of a wolf paced through the night in vigilant patrol, its jaws clamped around an empty beer bottle.”
When you read that excerpt, can you hear President Obama uttering those same words? We at Dysfunctional Literacy weren’t so certain. Something just didn’t seem quite right. Maybe, just maybe, Barack Obama did have a ghostwriter for his memoir. Then we thought, how arrogant can you be, to not only write a memoir before you become famous but then to also hire a ghostwriter to pen it for you? That is the height of youthful narcissism! Perhaps the conspiracy theorists were on to something!
Then we realized what the problem was. The editors probably made a slight change to Obama’s original text that completely altered his voice. Here is what the excerpt might have looked like before the editors changed it.
“Uh, let me be clear. I was living in New York at the time, on Ninety-fourth between Second and First, part of that unnamed, uh, shifting border between East Harlem and the rest of Manhattan. Let me be frank, it was an uninviting block, treeless and barren, uh, lined with soot-colored walk-ups that cast heavy shadows for most of the day. The apartment was small, uh, with slanting floors and irregular heat and a buzzer downstairs that didn’t work, uh, so that visitors had to call ahead from a pay phone at the corner gas station, where, let me be clear, a black Doberman the size of a wolf paced through the night in vigilant patrol, its jaws clamped around, uh, an empty beer bottle.”
Okay, now that sounds like the President Obama we try to tune out every day. We at Dysfunctional Literacy proudly declare that Barack Obama is truly the author of Dreams from My Father!
And shame on all of you that would doubt the literary integrity of our Commanders in Chief.
I deleted this post because it was stupid, and it doesn’t fit with the rest of my blog Dysfunctional Literacy now. I have a bunch of other stupid posts, but at least they (kind of) fit what I do now.
All Quiet on the Western Front
By Erich Maria Remarque
Yeah, it’s told from the German point of view, but it’s still worth reading.
STUPIDEST WAR EVER!
If you want to make the case that all war is stupid, okay. I’m not sitting in my rocker in the safety of my home smoking my pipe and nodding my head saying, “World War II, now THAT was a smart war.” All I’m saying is that some wars at least have an objective or a point. The Civil War was meant to keep the Union together, and millions of people got slaughtered, but the issue was settled. World War I had no point, it got millions of people slaughtered, it didn’t really solve anything, and it led to World War II just a couple decades later where millions of more people again got slaughtered. It was almost like a war just for war’s sake, and that was stupid.
If we at Dysfunctional Literacy have offended any fans of World War I, we apologize.
WHY IT’S A CLASSIC
All Quiet on the Western Front is one of the few books that explores the psychological and emotional damage war causes for the soldiers. Even today, when graphic descriptions of violence are common in novels, there aren’t many authors willing to get as emotionally deep as AQOTWF. Plus, it’s not preachy. Also, it’s pretty short. Finally, it’s just a damn good book.
“Uh… Let me be clear… This President Obama joke… uh… is not funny.” Image via Wikipedia
A few months into his administration, President Obama decided to visit the first elementary school named after him, Barack H. Obama Elementary. He was understandably proud and knew the children (and maybe even the teachers and administrators) would be excited to see him visit.
As the presidential motorcade rolled up to the school, Obama noticed that the Obama hope flag was flying level next to the United States flag, and that made him happy.
As Obama and his entourage entered the school, he saw artistic posters of his image all over the school walls, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the school library, he saw that a whole row of books was devoted to his two memoirs, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the cafeteria, he saw food preparation staff steaming vegetables and inspecting fresh fruit for the children to eat and nourish themselves, and that made him happy (or at least made the First Lady happy).
As Obama entered the school auditorium, he heard students chanting “Obama! Obama!” and then heard the school choir sing a hymn of Obama’s praises, and this made him happy.
Then just as Obama was beginning his speech to the children, the students began a unified prayer. At first he thought perhaps the prayer was directed at him, but then he realized that the kids were actually praying to God, and this did not make President Obama happy.
Obama turned to the school’s principal and said, “Don’t you know that a led prayer at a public school is unconstitutional?”
“Yes, Mr. President,” the administrator stammered. “I think it’s a spontaneous prayer, and they’re only doing it today because you’re here.”
Obama was relieved. “Let me be clear, then. These students are praying for my safety.”
“No, Mr. President. They’re praying that you won’t talk too long.”
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
I deleted the content of this post because it was pretty stupid, and it doesn’t fit I’m doing with my blog anymore. Yes, I’m leaving up a bunch of other stupid posts from my early days of blogging, but at at least those posts still fit what I do.
THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN
By Mark Twain
It’s difficult to discuss Huckleberry Finn without first mentioning the most controversial aspect of it, so let’s get this over with.
WHICH VERSION? N-WORD, OR NO N-WORD?
The meanings of some words change over time, but the n-word is still the n-word. I even feel uncomfortable saying words that rhyme with the n-word (That bald spot on my head keeps getting bigger and big… I mean, it’s getting larger and larger). Therefore, I have no problem with an abridged version that replaces the n-word.
If this leads to just one single person who would otherwise not read Huckleberry Finn to read Huckleberry Finn, then (dramatic pause)… it’s all worth it.
BEST ADVICE EVER!!!
If you’re listening to the audio version of Huckleberry Finn in public, you probably want the one without the n-word. It takes a few minutes to explain the context behind the n-words and the depth of the theme of the book, but when an n-word is dropped in public, you might not get those few minutes to explain.
If you’re determined to listen to the n-word version on audio in public, then wear headphones.
WHY HUCKLEBERRY FINN IS A CLASSIC
The only problem with this novel is that it’s required reading in some high school and college courses, and that takes all the fun out of it. Some of the problems that Huck faces (an abusive, alcoholic father that kidnaps him) are relevant today and often used heavily in Lifetime programming, but this novel is way better written. Mark Twain is also kind of funny, and even dysfunctional literates should be able to understand the humor without any laborious research.
THREE GAMES AT ONE TIME!
We get the idea. The “games” are dangerous, and characters get killed, and it’s not really a “game,” but c’mon! Can somebody grab a thesaurus?
Ender’s Game is about a video game (kind of) of death. The Hunger Games is about a reality show (kind of) of death. A Game of Thrones is about a race against death (Can the author finish the entire series before he dies?). Keep it up with all these games of death, and nobody will want to play games anymore.
THE HUNGER GAMES
The good news about The Hunger Games is that Suzanne Collins kept it to three books and therefore does not violate any rules of dysfunctional literacy. Any series that goes over three books usually has an author that doesn’t know where the books are going. The bad news is that The Hunger Games is better read as a single novel because the second book is too similar to the first book, and the third book is a mess (in my opinion).
The upcoming dysfunctional literacy Rule #4 is about avoiding authors who write too many books too quickly and that may have happened here. Maybe a few years from now, Suzanne Collins may take more time and rewrite a new set of sequels and just pretend that Catching Fire and Mockinjay never happened. I would be willing to pretend with her.
A GAME OF THRONES
Congratulations, George R. Martin! Though you are an immensely talented author, and your novel has turned into an HBO series (starring Boromir and Richard Sharpe), you still have managed to break not one, but two dysfunctional literacy rules!
With five books in your series so far (Rule # 2 broken) at roughly 700 pages each (Rule #3 broken), that’s nearly 3500 pages for a story that is yet unfinished. To a dysfunctional literate, that is unacceptable. If we wanted a never-ending story, we can watch the soaps. Oh wait, they’re getting cancelled. Well, if we want a never-ending story, then we can watch the news. Ugh, but then we’re going to fight over whether we watch FOX News or MSNBC or CNN or the networks or… Aaaarrrgh!
To be fair, A Game of Thrones is much better written than any soap (and better written than most news broadcasts as well). Also to be fair, I haven’t read enough of the Song of Ice and Fire series to judge whether or not it deserves to be an exception to the dysfunctional literacy rules. With so many books with so many pages, I’m not sure it’s worth the time to find out.
ENDER’S GAME– THE DILEMMA
If a book has two sets of sequels and combined they go over three books, should a dysfunctional literate read them ? Enders’ Game has two sets of sequels, one about Ender’s travels (Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide, and Children of the Mind) and one about what happens to other characters right after Ender’s Game (Ender’s Shadow, Shadow of the Hegemon, Shadow Puppets, Shadow of the Giant, and there may be more I don’t know about). That’s a grand total of eight books, and that’s a violation of my Rule #2 (don’t read more than three books in any given series).
So, what do we do? Does Orson Scott Card’s pair of series deserve to be read?
Here’s the unofficial ruling.
Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide, and Children of the Mind should be considered a separate group because their characters, tone, and style are completely different from the Shadow books (and are much better books). If either of the sets of sequels deserves to be read, it would be the one beginning with Speaker for the Dead. The Shadow sequels are good but not great, so you can probably find far better books to read instead.
If you really want to save some time, just read The Hunger Games and Ender’s Game and then move on to something else that has nothing to do with “games.”
We at Dysfunctional Literacy do not tell Moby Dick jokes. We’re not above telling a good Moby Dick joke. We’re not too good of people to tell a Moby Dick joke. We’re not too sophisticated to tell a Moby Dick joke. It’s just that Moby Dick jokes are best told in private, and since this is a public site, we must have some decorum here.
BEST OPENING LINE EVER!!
“Call me Ishmael.”
That’s truly a great opening. I can walk into a room and proclaim, “Call me Ishmael!” or “Call me anything else!” and everybody gets the reference. That’s what makes a great opening.
Unfortunately, the book goes downhill from there (from a dysfunctional literate’s point of view).
Some people can’t get enough of Moby Dick (That’s not meant to be a Moby Dick joke. I’m serious!). They say the writing is beautiful, and the themes and symbolism and imagery are deep (See? I told you I was serious). If you’re into that, fine. To dysfunctional literates, the book is overwritten, and it isn’t as deep as those who claim to love Moby Dick say it is (or if it is deep, we don’t understand it without a ton of research which we don’t have time to do). It’s the kind of book that gives classics a bad name.
It’s great to understand references to Moby Dick; it’s even better if you can understand (or make) the references without ever having read the book.
IS MOBY DICK REALLY A CLASSIC?
In order to be a classic, old literature must still be relevant. Moby Dick is relevant for three reasons.
1.
People like to tell Moby Dick jokes. If Moby Dick were titled Moby Foot, then dysfunctional literates couldn’t make Moby Foot jokes because Moby Foot jokes aren’t funny. Without that initial instinctive reaction to Moby Dick, it might just be another old book… except for two other reasons.
2.
Moby Dick is relevant because truly literate people say it is. We dysfunctional literates might not get the symbolism behind the color white to Ishmael or understand the meaning behind the name of the ship The Pequod, but that doesn’t mean they’re not meaningful. If these people who are willing to read the book and study it claim that it’s a classic, I don’t have the time or knowledge to disagree with them.
3.
“Call me Ishmael.” Again, if people can quote the opening line of a novel over a hundred years after it’s written, then it’s a classic.
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
BUT… BUT… BUT… HOW DOES THE WAR END?
The Iliad is like the Super Bowl (or maybe the Pro Bowl) of Greek mythology, with the greatest of the gods and goddesses getting involved somehow, but unlike the Super Bowl, we don’t know who has won at the end of the epic. Some might say, “What a rip-off!” But no, no, it isn’t
The story was supposedly told by a blind poet named Homer, and his epic poem starts in the tenth year of a ten-year war between Troy and Greece. Tenth year? Why does the epic begin in the tenth year? Because The Iliad already has enough of “Who slew whom,” and “Who impaled whom,” and “Who decapitated whom.” “Whom” always gets the worst of it in these exchanges. Even tired Greek warriors who sat by the campfire at night listening to the achievements of soldiers past could get bored with ten year’s worth “So-and-so slaughtered a bunch of him-and-hims and them-and-thems.”
So, why does The Iliad end before the Trojan War ends?
1.
The Iliad is the story of Achilles and how he learns compassion. Once he learns compassion and returns the body of Hector to King Priam, that particular story is over.
2.
Achilles died in a stupid way. Getting killed fighting the kraken would have been a glorious way to die. Getting shot in the heel with an arrow delivered by Paris, the least worthy of all the Trojan royalty, is pretty much an insult.
3.
The Greeks cheated to win. Yes, using the Trojan horse was clever, and the Trojans should never have fallen for it, and all is fair in war, but employing that kind of tactic takes all the glory out of the victory. Yes, the Greeks won, and they have scoreboard, but they cheated, so now they can’t brag about it, so Homer was probably wise to leave it out of the epic. Then again, the Trojans cheated when they killed Achilles, so I guess they’re even, if by even, you mean… just read the next reason.
4.
The Greeks engaged in a lot of bad behavior when they conquered the city of Troy. It’s one thing to cheer when the greatest of all Greek warriors slays the greatest of all the Trojans, but it’s not inspiring to hear about how a bunch of drunken, victorious Greek soldiers threw babies off the walls of Troy, or raped Trojan princesses in their own temples. That’s generally not a crowd pleaser.
WHY WOULD A CONDOM COMPANY NAME ITSELF TROJAN WHEN THE TROJANS LOST THE WAR?
Uh, because the Trojan walls never broke?
WHICH VERSION? PROSE OR POEM?
If you’re a dysfunctional literate, the prose is much easier to figure out. If you’re a true literate and want to capture the tone of the masterpiece, then try reading the epic in its intended form.
Dysfunctional Literacy 