I deleted this post because it was stupid, and it doesn’t fit with the rest of my blog Dysfunctional Literacy now. I have a bunch of other stupid posts, but at least they (kind of) fit what I do now.
All Quiet on the Western Front
By Erich Maria Remarque
Yeah, it’s told from the German point of view, but it’s still worth reading.
STUPIDEST WAR EVER!
If you want to make the case that all war is stupid, okay. I’m not sitting in my rocker in the safety of my home smoking my pipe and nodding my head saying, “World War II, now THAT was a smart war.” All I’m saying is that some wars at least have an objective or a point. The Civil War was meant to keep the Union together, and millions of people got slaughtered, but the issue was settled. World War I had no point, it got millions of people slaughtered, it didn’t really solve anything, and it led to World War II just a couple decades later where millions of more people again got slaughtered. It was almost like a war just for war’s sake, and that was stupid.
If we at Dysfunctional Literacy have offended any fans of World War I, we apologize.
WHY IT’S A CLASSIC
All Quiet on the Western Front is one of the few books that explores the psychological and emotional damage war causes for the soldiers. Even today, when graphic descriptions of violence are common in novels, there aren’t many authors willing to get as emotionally deep as AQOTWF. Plus, it’s not preachy. Also, it’s pretty short. Finally, it’s just a damn good book.
“Uh… Let me be clear… This President Obama joke… uh… is not funny.” Image via Wikipedia
A few months into his administration, President Obama decided to visit the first elementary school named after him, Barack H. Obama Elementary. He was understandably proud and knew the children (and maybe even the teachers and administrators) would be excited to see him visit.
As the presidential motorcade rolled up to the school, Obama noticed that the Obama hope flag was flying level next to the United States flag, and that made him happy.
As Obama and his entourage entered the school, he saw artistic posters of his image all over the school walls, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the school library, he saw that a whole row of books was devoted to his two memoirs, and that made him happy.
As Obama entered the cafeteria, he saw food preparation staff steaming vegetables and inspecting fresh fruit for the children to eat and nourish themselves, and that made him happy (or at least made the First Lady happy).
As Obama entered the school auditorium, he heard students chanting “Obama! Obama!” and then heard the school choir sing a hymn of Obama’s praises, and this made him happy.
Then just as Obama was beginning his speech to the children, the students began a unified prayer. At first he thought perhaps the prayer was directed at him, but then he realized that the kids were actually praying to God, and this did not make President Obama happy.
Obama turned to the school’s principal and said, “Don’t you know that a led prayer at a public school is unconstitutional?”
“Yes, Mr. President,” the administrator stammered. “I think it’s a spontaneous prayer, and they’re only doing it today because you’re here.”
Obama was relieved. “Let me be clear, then. These students are praying for my safety.”
“No, Mr. President. They’re praying that you won’t talk too long.”
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
I deleted the content of this post because it was pretty stupid, and it doesn’t fit I’m doing with my blog anymore. Yes, I’m leaving up a bunch of other stupid posts from my early days of blogging, but at at least those posts still fit what I do.
THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN
By Mark Twain
It’s difficult to discuss Huckleberry Finn without first mentioning the most controversial aspect of it, so let’s get this over with.
WHICH VERSION? N-WORD, OR NO N-WORD?
The meanings of some words change over time, but the n-word is still the n-word. I even feel uncomfortable saying words that rhyme with the n-word (That bald spot on my head keeps getting bigger and big… I mean, it’s getting larger and larger). Therefore, I have no problem with an abridged version that replaces the n-word.
If this leads to just one single person who would otherwise not read Huckleberry Finn to read Huckleberry Finn, then (dramatic pause)… it’s all worth it.
BEST ADVICE EVER!!!
If you’re listening to the audio version of Huckleberry Finn in public, you probably want the one without the n-word. It takes a few minutes to explain the context behind the n-words and the depth of the theme of the book, but when an n-word is dropped in public, you might not get those few minutes to explain.
If you’re determined to listen to the n-word version on audio in public, then wear headphones.
WHY HUCKLEBERRY FINN IS A CLASSIC
The only problem with this novel is that it’s required reading in some high school and college courses, and that takes all the fun out of it. Some of the problems that Huck faces (an abusive, alcoholic father that kidnaps him) are relevant today and often used heavily in Lifetime programming, but this novel is way better written. Mark Twain is also kind of funny, and even dysfunctional literates should be able to understand the humor without any laborious research.
THREE GAMES AT ONE TIME!
We get the idea. The “games” are dangerous, and characters get killed, and it’s not really a “game,” but c’mon! Can somebody grab a thesaurus?
Ender’s Game is about a video game (kind of) of death. The Hunger Games is about a reality show (kind of) of death. A Game of Thrones is about a race against death (Can the author finish the entire series before he dies?). Keep it up with all these games of death, and nobody will want to play games anymore.
THE HUNGER GAMES
The good news about The Hunger Games is that Suzanne Collins kept it to three books and therefore does not violate any rules of dysfunctional literacy. Any series that goes over three books usually has an author that doesn’t know where the books are going. The bad news is that The Hunger Games is better read as a single novel because the second book is too similar to the first book, and the third book is a mess (in my opinion).
The upcoming dysfunctional literacy Rule #4 is about avoiding authors who write too many books too quickly and that may have happened here. Maybe a few years from now, Suzanne Collins may take more time and rewrite a new set of sequels and just pretend that Catching Fire and Mockinjay never happened. I would be willing to pretend with her.
A GAME OF THRONES
Congratulations, George R. Martin! Though you are an immensely talented author, and your novel has turned into an HBO series (starring Boromir and Richard Sharpe), you still have managed to break not one, but two dysfunctional literacy rules!
With five books in your series so far (Rule # 2 broken) at roughly 700 pages each (Rule #3 broken), that’s nearly 3500 pages for a story that is yet unfinished. To a dysfunctional literate, that is unacceptable. If we wanted a never-ending story, we can watch the soaps. Oh wait, they’re getting cancelled. Well, if we want a never-ending story, then we can watch the news. Ugh, but then we’re going to fight over whether we watch FOX News or MSNBC or CNN or the networks or… Aaaarrrgh!
To be fair, A Game of Thrones is much better written than any soap (and better written than most news broadcasts as well). Also to be fair, I haven’t read enough of the Song of Ice and Fire series to judge whether or not it deserves to be an exception to the dysfunctional literacy rules. With so many books with so many pages, I’m not sure it’s worth the time to find out.
ENDER’S GAME– THE DILEMMA
If a book has two sets of sequels and combined they go over three books, should a dysfunctional literate read them ? Enders’ Game has two sets of sequels, one about Ender’s travels (Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide, and Children of the Mind) and one about what happens to other characters right after Ender’s Game (Ender’s Shadow, Shadow of the Hegemon, Shadow Puppets, Shadow of the Giant, and there may be more I don’t know about). That’s a grand total of eight books, and that’s a violation of my Rule #2 (don’t read more than three books in any given series).
So, what do we do? Does Orson Scott Card’s pair of series deserve to be read?
Here’s the unofficial ruling.
Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide, and Children of the Mind should be considered a separate group because their characters, tone, and style are completely different from the Shadow books (and are much better books). If either of the sets of sequels deserves to be read, it would be the one beginning with Speaker for the Dead. The Shadow sequels are good but not great, so you can probably find far better books to read instead.
If you really want to save some time, just read The Hunger Games and Ender’s Game and then move on to something else that has nothing to do with “games.”
We at Dysfunctional Literacy do not tell Moby Dick jokes. We’re not above telling a good Moby Dick joke. We’re not too good of people to tell a Moby Dick joke. We’re not too sophisticated to tell a Moby Dick joke. It’s just that Moby Dick jokes are best told in private, and since this is a public site, we must have some decorum here.
BEST OPENING LINE EVER!!
“Call me Ishmael.”
That’s truly a great opening. I can walk into a room and proclaim, “Call me Ishmael!” or “Call me anything else!” and everybody gets the reference. That’s what makes a great opening.
Unfortunately, the book goes downhill from there (from a dysfunctional literate’s point of view).
Some people can’t get enough of Moby Dick (That’s not meant to be a Moby Dick joke. I’m serious!). They say the writing is beautiful, and the themes and symbolism and imagery are deep (See? I told you I was serious). If you’re into that, fine. To dysfunctional literates, the book is overwritten, and it isn’t as deep as those who claim to love Moby Dick say it is (or if it is deep, we don’t understand it without a ton of research which we don’t have time to do). It’s the kind of book that gives classics a bad name.
It’s great to understand references to Moby Dick; it’s even better if you can understand (or make) the references without ever having read the book.
IS MOBY DICK REALLY A CLASSIC?
In order to be a classic, old literature must still be relevant. Moby Dick is relevant for three reasons.
1.
People like to tell Moby Dick jokes. If Moby Dick were titled Moby Foot, then dysfunctional literates couldn’t make Moby Foot jokes because Moby Foot jokes aren’t funny. Without that initial instinctive reaction to Moby Dick, it might just be another old book… except for two other reasons.
2.
Moby Dick is relevant because truly literate people say it is. We dysfunctional literates might not get the symbolism behind the color white to Ishmael or understand the meaning behind the name of the ship The Pequod, but that doesn’t mean they’re not meaningful. If these people who are willing to read the book and study it claim that it’s a classic, I don’t have the time or knowledge to disagree with them.
3.
“Call me Ishmael.” Again, if people can quote the opening line of a novel over a hundred years after it’s written, then it’s a classic.
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
BUT… BUT… BUT… HOW DOES THE WAR END?
The Iliad is like the Super Bowl (or maybe the Pro Bowl) of Greek mythology, with the greatest of the gods and goddesses getting involved somehow, but unlike the Super Bowl, we don’t know who has won at the end of the epic. Some might say, “What a rip-off!” But no, no, it isn’t
The story was supposedly told by a blind poet named Homer, and his epic poem starts in the tenth year of a ten-year war between Troy and Greece. Tenth year? Why does the epic begin in the tenth year? Because The Iliad already has enough of “Who slew whom,” and “Who impaled whom,” and “Who decapitated whom.” “Whom” always gets the worst of it in these exchanges. Even tired Greek warriors who sat by the campfire at night listening to the achievements of soldiers past could get bored with ten year’s worth “So-and-so slaughtered a bunch of him-and-hims and them-and-thems.”
So, why does The Iliad end before the Trojan War ends?
1.
The Iliad is the story of Achilles and how he learns compassion. Once he learns compassion and returns the body of Hector to King Priam, that particular story is over.
2.
Achilles died in a stupid way. Getting killed fighting the kraken would have been a glorious way to die. Getting shot in the heel with an arrow delivered by Paris, the least worthy of all the Trojan royalty, is pretty much an insult.
3.
The Greeks cheated to win. Yes, using the Trojan horse was clever, and the Trojans should never have fallen for it, and all is fair in war, but employing that kind of tactic takes all the glory out of the victory. Yes, the Greeks won, and they have scoreboard, but they cheated, so now they can’t brag about it, so Homer was probably wise to leave it out of the epic. Then again, the Trojans cheated when they killed Achilles, so I guess they’re even, if by even, you mean… just read the next reason.
4.
The Greeks engaged in a lot of bad behavior when they conquered the city of Troy. It’s one thing to cheer when the greatest of all Greek warriors slays the greatest of all the Trojans, but it’s not inspiring to hear about how a bunch of drunken, victorious Greek soldiers threw babies off the walls of Troy, or raped Trojan princesses in their own temples. That’s generally not a crowd pleaser.
WHY WOULD A CONDOM COMPANY NAME ITSELF TROJAN WHEN THE TROJANS LOST THE WAR?
Uh, because the Trojan walls never broke?
WHICH VERSION? PROSE OR POEM?
If you’re a dysfunctional literate, the prose is much easier to figure out. If you’re a true literate and want to capture the tone of the masterpiece, then try reading the epic in its intended form.
Brave! Loyal! Courageous! All qualities we associate with Charlie Sheen. I guess that’s why we call them actors. Image via Wikipedia
THE “YOU’RE LUCKY YOU’RE FROM FRANCE” AWARD GOES TO…
Alexandre Dumas!
Yes, Alexandre Dumas, you wrote one of the best novels of all time, and all we dysfunctional literates can do is mock your last name. Here’s proof that if your last name is Dumas, you’d better be from France and not the United States.
Alexandre Dumas. I apologize for making fun of your name. Only a dumas (American pronunciation) would do that. Image via Wikipedia
PRONUNCIATION GAME
Read each sentence below this paragraph twice. The first time, pronounce Dumas properly (Doo-mahs), and the second time, pronounce Dumas the American way (dumb-you know what)). How does the meaning in each sentence change?
The Three Musketeers is the best book that Dumas ever wrote.
Can we agree that Dumas is one of the best French authors ever?
I’m not surprised that Dumas is French.
Yeah, that gets old pretty quickly.
WHY ARE THEY CALLED MUSKETEERS IF THEY SWORDFIGHT SO MUCH?
If I remember correctly, the musketeers do use their muskets a few times in the novel. However, swords were more effective for close range fighting, and frankly, a swordfight is more exciting to film for a movie than a bunch of guys firing muskets, missing, taking 30 seconds to reload, firing, missing, taking 30 seconds to reload, firing, missing, then saying, ‘Screw it (in French),” and grabbing their swords.
SPEAKING OF MOVIES…LAZY RESEARCH ALERT!
Which cinematic version of The Three Musketeers is the best one?
The Gene Kelly version has the best action sequences (and awesome color, as well)!!
The Three Musketeers/Four Musketeers movies from the 1970’s had the best acting. Plus, Raquel Welch as Constance … OMG! OMG! OMG! Yeah, OMG is pretty juvenile, but seeing Raquel Welch as Constance can make a grown man say OMG! Yes, Constance, you must have clean legs when visiting the Queen.
In the 1993 Disney version of The Three Musketeers, Charlie Sheen was a musketeer. Yes, Charlie Sheen was a musketeer. One more time, Charlie Sheen was a musketeer. In fact, he was one of several American musketeers (none of which really even tried to act) in what is probably the WORST THREE MUSKETEERS MOVIE EVER!
Since there were so many American musketeers in this movie, and the plot was nothing like that of the novel (Yes, that matters. The Three Musketeers is a great book!), it is fair to use the American pronunciation of Dumas when saying, “That 1993 version of The Three Musketeers was one Dumas movie!”
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
*****
CHARLIE SHEEN’S NEW GAME SHOW
Speaking of Charlie Sheen… (No, this story isn’t true.)
After a few months of being booed off of various stages in major cities across the country, Charlie Sheen starts fading from the public view, and his cash flow starts disappearing. Needing a new gig, Sheen takes on a new game show, and it’s called “Winning, with Charlie Sheen.”
A troll contestant, almost always one of Sheen’s hangers-on who tells Sheen how brilliant he is, competes with Charlie Sheen, answering a bunch of trivia questions, and the winner gets a date with a porn star of the winner’s choice. The problem is that Charlie Sheen wants to win every game, and it soon becomes apparent that the producers are feeding Sheen the questions (or answers) ahead of time. When this becomes obvious, ratings plummet, and a quick fix has to be made.
The host intentionally gives Charlie Sheen the wrong questions (or answers) before the taping, and then begins the show. After a few minutes, it’s apparent that “Winning” actually has a competition going on. The problem is that the troll contestant is just as smart as Sheen, so neither of them are getting the answers right.
“What’s the distance between the earth and the moon?” the host asks.
“Too far to drive,” Sheen answers, wiping his hair back in exasperation.
“A few thousand miles, at least,” the troll says, getting desperate because he really wants a date with a porn star.
“What’s the capital of Washington?”
“W,” says the contestant.
“It’s a trick question,” Sheen proudly answers. “Washington is a district, not a state, and doesn’t have a capitol.”
“If you multiply 15 times 5,000, what do you have?”
Both contestants try to figure the math in their heads, but both come up with the wrong answer.
Time is almost up, and one of the contestants needs to get an answer right so that the show can end. So the host attempts to frame the question in a context that Charlie Sheen can understand.
“If you have 15 porn stars,” he says slowly, reframing the previous math question, “and you pay each one $5,000 to spend the night with you,” he continues with the math problem, “what do you have?”
Charlie Sheen’s eyes light up. “A really great deal!”
Again, we dysfunctional literates have very few rules (for now) about the books we read, but this rule seems to have few exceptions.
Rule #3- No books more than 500 pages long.
How many stories are truly worth the effort it takes to read (much less write) 500 pages? A few might be worth it, but not many. Usually a novel longer than 500 pages means that the editors didn’t do their jobs (or in the case of 19th century Russian authors, the translators didn’t do theirs either).
ATLAS SHRUGGED
Not that Ayn Rand should be compared to 19th century Russian writers, but is the story of Atlas Shrugged worth 1200 pages? If it were 500 pages, maybe even 550 pages, but 1200? If you need to start drinking power shakes and hitting the weight room before reading a novel, then the book might be too long.
IT’S NOT GREEK MYTHOLOGY!
What a disappointment! We dysfunctional literates love Greek mythology, and when I saw Atlas Shrugged, I got excited, thinking, ‘This is bigger than Bullfinch! How could it not be awesome?”
After reading a few pages, a grim realization began to set in. John Galt was not a Greek mythological character.
The book, at 1200 pages with small print breaks the Dysfunctional Literacy Rule #3. Rumor has it that there is a 60 page speech in the book. I could barely read The Gettysburg Address, and that was written by a real president, not a fictional character. And this 60 page speech is supposedly a 60 page speech. It’s not a three page State of the Union with an hour’s worth of fake applause so that a bunch of politicians can mug for the cameras.
POORLY WRITTEN “ADULT SCENE” ALERT!
Rumor also has it that there are poorly written adult scenes in the book. We at Dysfunctional Literacy might not enjoy a poorly written adult scene as much as we used to, but we at least appreciate the attempt. 30 years ago, many of us would have crawled across broken glass to read a poorly written adult scene, but now we have cable and the internet, where poorly written adult scenes are readily available and sometimes free. Still, it might be worth reading Atlas Shrugged for the awkward adult moments if the novel were 500 pages instead of 1200. But alas, many of us will never know.
THE IRONIC ATLAS SHRUGGED MOVIE
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Atlas Shrugged were made into a movie, but very few movie theaters were willing to play it? That’s so ironic that Alanis Morissette wouldn’t understand it. Or maybe it really isn’t ironic, in which case Alanis Morissette and I can point fingers and mock each other’s ignorance.
*****
UPDATE- June 20, 2018
Yeah, I know this is a lame blog post. As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer. Yes, I know this post sucks. I’m pretty sure I knew it sucked when I wrote it, but back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little. Some experiments go horribly wrong.
Dysfunctional Literacy 