Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris Team up!

If Chuck Norris thinks this Chuck Norris joke is funny, who are you to disagree? Image via Wikipedia

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris were invited speakers at a science fiction/ comic book/ geek convention.  Arnold was there because of his roles as Conan and the Terminator.  Chuck was there because he’s Chuck Norris.

While Arnold was speaking to the crowd, he noticed that somebody had taken his Conan the Barbarian sword from the display case.  Angrily, he addressed the crowd. 

“I am going to leave this voom vor vun minute.  Vhen I veturn, iv the svord is not veturned to the display case, by Crom, I vill kill you vith my bare hands!  I vill veast upon your bones over your gravesights.  I vill enslave your wives and vornicate your daughters.  Or I vill enslave your daughters and vornicate your wives.  Or I vill enslave and vornicate your wives and daughters!  You have vun minute until… I’ll… be… back!” 

The crowd cheered wildly at his performance (despite his mixing of roles in mid-sentence).  Arnold thought he had regained his acting chops, his gravitas, but when he returned to the conference room, the display case was still empty.  There was no sword.

 Somebody from the crowd called out, “Vhen you left, did you vather any children out of vedlock?” and the crowd snickered and then fell silent.

 Arnold was humiliated.  The audience was embarrassed, but nobody said anything.  The room was quiet, with lots of fanboys looking at the floor or at their phones.

Chuck Norris had seen enough.  He stormed to the stage and grabbed the microphone.  “Enough, pencil necks,” he growled at the audience.  “Somebody stole my Walker, Texas Ranger hat once.”

The crowd gasped.

“That’s right.  I was at a geek convention in Omaha, just like this one, and somebody swiped my very own, original, one-and-only Walker, Texas Ranger hat when I was talking to a group just like you.”

 The audience stared at Chuck Norris in stunned, respectful silence.

 “I’m not proud of what I had to do that day, but I did what needed to be done, and I’ll do it again if I have to.  Arnold and I will leave the room one more time for one minute.  If the sword hasn’t been returned when we get back, I’ll have to do what I did in Omaha.”

The audience’s collective jaw dropped in fear.

“I don’t want to do what I did in Omaha.  Don’t make me do what I did in Omaha.  Don’t… make… me… do… it.”

With that said, Chuck Norris left the room, and Arnold followed him.  When they returned a minute later, the sword was back in the display case.  And the audience was much relieved (some in their own pants).

As Arnold and Chuck left the convention hall, Arnold tapped Chuck on the shoulder and said, “I must know.  Vhat did you do in Omaha?”

Chuck Norris shrugged his shoulders and said, “I bought a new hat.”