Yeah, this picture needs a beach, some beer, and some gawking guys, but a bunch of women in bikinis is a great start for a Spring Break Joke! Image via Wikipedia
An average Spring Break joke has to have several elements that make Spring Break awesome: the beach, beer, hot women in bikinis, and guys trying to have a bunch of one-night-stands. If the joke also has a decent punch line, then it might just be a BEST SPRING BREAK JOKE EVER!!
*****
Three midwestern college guys (a hunk, a smooth talker, and an intellectual) traveled to a beach during Spring Break. The hunk and the smooth talker were going for obvious reasons (beer, women in bikinis, and drunk women in bikinis), but they couldn’t figure out why the intellectual was going.
“I’m going on Spring Break to have a few and to get some,” the hunk said. “Why are you going?”
“I’m studying the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the intellectual said.
“Good for you,” the smooth talker said. Both the hunk and the smooth talker were a bit uncomfortable around the intellectual, but he was quiet and paid more than his fair share, so he was welcomed on the trip.
When they got to the hotel room, the hunk and the smooth talker worked out sleeping (with women) arrangements so that they had a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with each other. Since the intellectual wasn’t going to bring back any women, his sleeping (by himself) schedule would be flexible.
Later that day, both the hunk and the smooth talker returned to the hotel room, each with a bikini clad partner, at the same time. Since this wasn’t supposed to happen, they began arguing about the arrangement.
“I get 7:00 to 9:00,” the hunk said.
“No, that’s your time tomorrow night,” the smooth talker replied (he was lying but figured he could smooth talk the hunk into believing him). They would have argued for a few more minutes, but one of the bikini-clad women spoke up.
“Can you two argue about this inside?” she asked. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
When they opened the hotel door, they were stunned to see the intellectual naked in bed with two really hot women (no longer wearing their bikinis). It was pretty obvious what had been going on, and both the hunk and the smooth talker were flabbergasted. Their female partners were already in the bathroom and didn’t care.
“But… but… but…,” the hunk said.
“You said you were here to study the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the smooth talker said.
“That’s why I’m an intellectual,” the intellectual said. “I can understand your euphemisms, but you don’t understand mine.”
Walt Disney: At the time he might have thought that nothing could be more annoying than a continuous loop of the song "It's a Small World After All," but he had never seen an episode of Ant Farm or Jessie. Image via Wikipedia
A family returned home from a hard day of work/school, and the two daughters immediately ran for the television.
“We want to watch Ant Farm! We want to watch Jessie!” the daughters chimed.
The parents cringed at the prospect of snotty Disney Channel kids, overproduced Disney Channel bubblegum music, and impossibly annoying laugh tracks.
“Before you watch your Disney Channel,” the father announced, “we’re going to watch an hour of Fox News!”
The daughters cried, wailed, and pounded their heads against the wall as a bunch of talking heads on the Fox News Channel argued with each other over trivial disagreements.
The mother shook her head and said to her husband, “You don’t even like Fox News.”
“True,” the father said. “But I want these kids to understand what I’m going through while they’re watching Disney.”
*****
We know they’re annoying. We know they can send a normally rational adult into a beserker rage. We know they can make a calm parent boil over into temporary insanity. I’m not talking about kids. I’m talking about the annoying teen shows they watch (like Ant Farm, Jessie, and iCarly).
Both Disney and Nick (Nickelodeon) seem to have a knack for hiring annoying… okay, I don’t even want to start whining about this. Other critics can do that. I’m here to show you documented (almost) scientific proof that these shows damage children’s brainpower.
THE FIRST DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY SCIENTIFIC STUDY
Before you start citing this study in your college dissertations or including this as a source in your books about childhood development, understand that I am not a trained scientist, and even I recognize there are flaws in this study. I only used one child. I didn’t run enough tests. I didn’t account for influences of gender, race, or socio-economic status. Besides that, I think I’m on the right track.
THE THEORY OR HYPOTHESIS (I always get the two confused):
Disney and Nick annoying teen shows (non-cartoons) make children who watch these shows stupid.
THE GUINEA PIG
One female child- a 3rd grader who shall remain nameless (don’t tell her that I used her as a guinea pig).
THE SITUATION
Over a 6-week period, the 3rd grader takes a spelling test on Friday. Each Thursday night that 3rd grader takes a practice test and must score 100 before she can watch television.
After watching one 30 minute show, the 3rd grader will retake the practice test. 3 retakes will be done after a cartoon (Spongebob, Phineas and Ferb, Fishhooks) and 3 retakes will be done after annoying teen shows (iCarly, Ant Farm, Jessie).
Prediction: 3rd grader will do much worse after annoying teen shows than after cartoons.
THE RESULTS
The 3rd grade student scored 100, 100, and 95 after cartoons. The 3rd grader scored 85 (after iCarly), 90 (after Ant Farm), and 100 (stunningly after Jessie, but that might be an outlier because she cried before doing the Jessie retake, which was fine because earlier I cried because I had to watch Jessie before the retake).
Maybe crying before a retest helps a 3rd grader to concentrate.
ANALYSIS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY RESULTS
Some pointy-headed types might want to perform further tests to verify the conclusion, but this is enough evidence for me.
These Disney Channel/Nick shows make kids stupid. Disney Channel and/or Nick might try to spin this and say that the 3rd grader still performed at a 91% average which wasn’t much lower than her 98% average after cartoons.
However, the 3rd grader made five spelling errors after annoying teen shows as opposed to only one error after cartoons, so that means she was 500% stupider after watching the annoying teen shows.
Parents, go ahead and try this. It’s a simple study, costs nothing, and the results… (wait for it)… might surprise you!
UPCOMING SCIENTIFIC STUDIES FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
Next month I’m going to publish my study on the relationship between Disney/Nick annoying teen shows and the frequency/intensity of headaches (and other possible ailments) in adults.
This might not be one of the post offices getting closed down, but it looks like it could use some renovations. Image via Wikipedia
*****
A demolition crew was getting ready to tear down a recently closed United States Post Office when a member of the crew ran out from the building to his foreman.
“Sir, you can’t blow up the post office yet,” the demolition guy said to his boss. “There are still a bunch of postal workers in there walking around aimlessly like zombies.”
“Why are they in there?” the foreman asked, exasperated. “They’re not protesting, are they?”
“They don’t know they’ve been laid off, sir,” replied the demolition guy. “The government sent their termination notices in the mail last month, but the postal workers haven’t gotten them yet.”
*****
Yeah, I might get accused of mailing this one in.
You know a vampire book is awesome when there isn't even a picture on the cover! Image via Wikipedia
A beautiful woman was sleeping alone wearing nothing but a thin nightgown in the forest (don’t ask why) when she was approached on opposite sides by a vampire and a werewolf. The vampire was thirsty for blood and reached for the beautiful woman’s neck. The ravenously starving werewolf aimed for the woman’s thigh.
But when the werewolf and the vampire saw each other, instead of sharing the meal, they fought.
“The woman is mine!” the vampire said, throwing the werewolf around and digging into his flesh with teeth and nails.
“Rrraaarrrgh!” the werewolf said, trying to tear at the vampire (to hurt, not to eat, the vampire).
The woman awoke to the sight of the battling monsters. A friend suddenly came to the woman’s side and tried to pull her away.
“Why aren’t you running?” the friend asked in horror.
The beautiful woman said, “I don’t know why, but I love it when guys fight over me.”
*****
VAMPIRES ARE NOT SEXY
Vampires are pasty, thin, with goofy looking teeth and sensitive skin that burns in the sunlight. C’mon, ladies, vampires are nerds. Give a vampire a pair of thick glasses, and you’d ask him to fix your computer (when they’re working the night shift).
Vampires are only sexy if they’re successful with their hypnotic suggestions (hypnotic suggestions never worked with me on women, so I have to give vampires credit for this one), or if they’re rich. Anybody who is rich and lives in a castle/mansion is sexy.
Put a vampire in tatters and have him wash windshields on busy intersections in the middle of the city, and the vampire is not sexy.
WHY DRACULA IS THE BEST VAMPIRE NOVEL EVER!
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Bram Stoker: this guy just looks like he could write agreat vampire book. Image via Wikipedia
First of all, Bram Stoker is a cool name (as long as it’s pronounced “Stoke” and not “Stalk”).
Second of all, Dracula was written over a hundred years ago, and it’s still very readable. Many classics are written in a formal language that’s difficult for average readers to follow, but Dracula is amazingly straightforward. Even with its diary entries (no stick figure pictures of wimpy real estate lawyers getting bullied by vampires), Dracula is easy to follow, and has creepy moments of suspense.
Dracula will continue to be read for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Now let’s look at the competition.
Interview with a Vampire (and others in the series) by Anne Rice
These are women books. Yeah, I know that got me in trouble a couple decades ago, but we can admit it now. These don’t hold up over time. Dracula holds up over time.
WARNING FOR MEN!!
When you are dating a literary girlfriend and she gives you a book to read (such as Interview with a Vampire or The Mists of Avalon) and then you read the book, don’t tell her that it was a woman’s book.
When a literary girlfriend gives you a woman’s book to read, read it, and then be prepared to ask questions and discuss it for about ten to fifteen minutes. Then when your literary girlfriend gives you another book to read (fight the “Aw, c’mon! Not again!” reflex reaction), just say, “I’m in the middle of a couple really good books (have them ready), but I’ll read this when I’m done.”
I learned this technique before the internet (so I actually had to read the books), but now you can learn everything you need to know about just about any book (without buying notes), so you now have no excuse.
Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
These get criticized a lot, but if you think of them as YA books, they’re not bad (from the parts I’ve read). Keep in mind that most YA books are very substandard, so this isn’t exactly a recommendation.
I also don’t think these books will be read a hundred years from now.
Salem’s Lot by Stephen King
This is a pretty good early King vampire book, but it doesn’t get much attention anymore. If you’re going to read any (kind of) contemporary vampire book, this is this one.
ALL THE REST
At some point, I have to admit that I’m biased. I don’t care about all the rest of the vampire hunters, vampire slayers, vampire lovers, or vampire hybrids; Dracula is the best vampire book ever. Its relevance, its readability, and its originality are all unmatched by any contemporary vampire novel.
It doesn’t mean that there aren’t any good vampire novels out there. It just means that there aren’t any as good as Dracula.
Sorry guys, but back then starlets didn’t have wardrobe malfunctions. Image via Wikipedia
The Oscar Academy Awards ceremony had just begun, and two presenters, a handsome actor and a beautiful young starlet, were about to go on stage. The starlet was a bit upset that she hadn’t been nominated that year and was thinking of some way to stand out from all the other presenters that evening.
“Maybe I should say something spontaneous,” she said. “Like ‘I love my life!’ right before I read the winner’s name.”
“You have to be a Hollywood fixture to get away with that,” the actor said. “And the winner is not a ‘winner.’ The winner is ‘an Oscar recipient.’”
“Maybe I could have a wardrobe malfunction on stage,” the actress suggested.
“As much as I would enjoy that,” the actor replied, “I’m afraid you would be sharing time with several other actresses who will try the same thing.”
Getting frustrated, the actress said, “Maybe I should just flip off the audience.”
“You’re very beautiful and talented,” the actor said (to the starlet, not to himself). “Just smile and read your lines, and your career will be just fine.”
As the actor and starlet strode confidently on stage, the starlet stumbled and fell flat on her face with a loud thud. The actor wasn’t sure what to do.
While others attended to the starlet, the actor kept the charming smile on his face, walked up to the microphone and said, “I’d heard rumors that she had fallen for me, and now I guess she really has.”
The audience giggled nervously, but after the ceremony the actor heard that the actress had suffered several broken bones from the fall.
Mortified, the actor rushed to the hospital to see the starlet, who was sedated but still lucid.
“I’m so sorry,” the actor said. “When you fell, I was going to catch you, but I thought you might get mad because you wanted the attention from falling, but now that I know it was an accident, I feel horrible. I really let you down. I feel like such a horrible person!”
“This is what I hate about Hollywood actors,” the starlet said. “You always think everything’s about you.”
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I remember reading (and hating) a lot of books in junior high and high school. Students universally hated A Light in the Forest, A Separate Peace, The Odyssey, and even Brave New World. It’s not that they were bad books. That’s a different debate. It’s that as teenagers, we had to work to read them, and teenagers hate(d) it when reading is (was) work.
There was one book that was universally thought of to be an exception (at my school anyway), and that book was… Massage Parlor by Jennifer Sills.
Man, we loved Massage Parlor. It was completely different from anything we had ever read in school. It dealt with topics that no other book ever had. From the very first page, we were gripped by the intensity of…
Okay, I’m kidding. Massage Parlor (maybe it was Massage Parlor II) got passed around a lot (by boys), but it was not in my school’s curriculum.
C’mon, this isn’t exactly a dramatic opening. The novel that everybody respected was To Kill a Mockingbird. I’m not saying everybody liked To Kill a Mockingbird, but everybody at least respected To Kill a Mockingbird. And this was at a time when kids weren’t allowed to watch movies in school. We liked (and respected) it without seeing the movie.
NO SYNOPSIS?
Every worthwhile synopsis of To Kill a Mockingbird has already been written a hundred times over. On the other hand, A Time to Kill is not worth a synopsis.
A Time to Kill by John Grisham
Literary legends in the 1990s claimed that A Time to Kill was John Grisham’s first novel, but no publishers would buy it. It was only after The Firm became a monster hit (kind of deservedly so… it was a pretty good book) that A Time to Kill was published and a bunch of critics and readers were fooled into thinking it had been a travesty that the publishing world had passed over such an inspired first time effort.
I think the truth (not the legend) was that A Time to Kill was published a couple years before The Firm, but so few copies were printed that it was like not being published at all.
Either way, the publishers had it right the first time. A Time to Kill was dreck, with the worst of one-dimensional characters and blatantly manipulative melodrama. It was a brilliant public relations campaign to convince the reading public otherwise.
HARPER LEE vs. JOHN GRISHAM
Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, and that was it. Even though an adoring public wished for more, Harper Lee left us (she hasn’t “left” us, if you think that’s what I meant) with one classic. Always leave your audience wanting more.
John Grisham followed up The Firm (a pretty good book) with a bunch of mediocre novels. I kind of wish he had stopped with The Firm.
THE MOVIES
To Kill a Mockingbird just came out in blu-ray, and supposedly it’s one of the few movies (especially old black and white ones) where picture quality makes a huge difference. I don’t care. I’d watch it, no matter how grainy the visual quality was.
I think A Time to Kill came out on dvd. A couple cable stations even still run it every once in a while. I’m not sure if it will come out in blu-ray.
GREGORY PECK vs. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Remember a couple decades ago when Hollywood was trying to pass off Mathew McConaughey as the next great leading man? A Time to Kill was one of his early starring roles, but I don’t remember the lead character’s name. Gregory Peck was Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird.
Gregory Peck was Atticus Finch before Matthew McConaughey was even a gleam in… you know what I mean. Image via Wikipedia
Yeah, this is not a fair comparison.
Gregory Peck: one of the greatest American actors of all time!
Mathew McConaughey: decent actor who looked great with his shirt off (at least, that’s what women told me).
Really, the only way you could compare Mathew McConaughey with Gregory Peck is to say that Mathew McConaughey had better pecks than Gregory Peck. To be fair, I don’t think I’ve seen Gregory Peck’s pecks, but they were probably s(peck)tacular.
Go ahead. Just punch me in the face right now… in a metaphorical way.
WHICH ONE?
If you have some time to kill, don’t read A Time to Kill (yeah, just punch me in the face again); read To Kill a Mockingbird. If you don’t have time to read it, then watch the movie.
I found an old copy of Massage Parlor II a few years ago. It wasn’t as good as I remembered. Man, stuff like that can be really disappointing.
You know you're getting up there when you count the candles, multiply times four, and can't figure out your age. Image via Wikipedia
Having a birthday on February 29 was always kind of tough, but this year a Leap Day birthday boy was having an especially difficult 40th birthday.
In the morning, his two teenage kids kept saying that they were older than he was (because it was only his tenth Leap Day birthday), and that got old really quickly. While he was at work, the 40-year old Leap Day birthday boy kept thinking about the significance of 40, and he contemplated his place in the universe and wondered if he had contributed anything worthy by his life’s likely halfway point.
Then when he returned home from work, his wife surprised him with a party and a “Lordy, Lordy, Look Who’s 10!” birthday cake.
The 40-year old Leap Day birthday boy flipped out, yelling, “I’m not 10! I’m not 10! I’m 40! Quit calling me 10!”
And with that, he stormed out, ran into the bedroom, and slammed the door.
The Leap Day birthday boy’s wife was quite embarrassed. “I can’t believe this is how he acts on his 40th birthday,” she complained.
“You’re lucky your husband’s birthday is on Leap Day,” her best friend said. “My husband’s birthday is on a normal day, and when he turned 40, he bought a shiny new sports car and ran off with his secretary.”
For the record, this is not a nerd. This is a tool pretending to be a nerd. Silly tool. Image via Wikipedia
A nerd wearing a solid blue shirt was standing in line at an electronics store when an attractive young woman starting talking to him. The nerd himself was not thought of as particularly attractive. He was a bit pasty of complexion, a bit thin in the arms, a bit thin in the hairline, and wore thick glasses to complete the effect.
The nerd, even though he enjoyed the attention he was getting from the attractive woman, knew what was going on. Since he was wearing a solid blue shirt, the woman thought he worked in the electronics store and was hoping to get some free advice.
“Ma’am, I don’t work here,” the nerd said, with a pang of regret.
“Oh,” the attractive woman said, surprised at the straightforward reply. “Do you know much about computers?”
“Not enough to fix one for you,” the nerd said. “However, I do know the name of every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer written by Joss Whedon.”
The attractive woman was not impressed and walked away in search of another pasty guy in a solid blue shirt.
As the nerd was exiting the store, a big burly tool who had eavesdropped on the conversation stepped in front of the nerd’s path.
“You were talking to that hot babe,” the tool said. “Is it true that you can’t really fix a computer?”
“That’s correct,” the nerd admitted.
“Do you design any cool video games, like Black Ops or Modern Warfare?”
“No,” the nerd sighed.
“Do you create any cool laser satellite weapons for the military?”
“Again, I must say no,” the nerd replied.
“Hey guys!” the tool called over to a bunch of other tools standing in the parking lot. “Here’s a nerd that it’s okay to make fun of!”
*****
HOW HAS THE NERD/TOOL RELATIONSHIP CHANGED?
Despite what popular culture might say, being a nerd still isn’t really that cool. It’s just that nerds are now tolerated because tools can’t live without them. 50 years ago, tools knew that a nerd might create a new weapon like the super-atomic atom bomb or a an intercontinental super-ballistical missile, but tools also knew that most nerds wouldn’t actually create anything like that, so it was okay to give them wedgies or make fun of them.
Today, things are different.
Without the nerd, there is no online gaming. Without the nerd, there is no internet porn. Without the nerd, there is no You-tube for tools to post videos. Almost everything that makes life worth living for a tool is created by the nerd.
That doesn’t make nerds cool, however. It just makes nerds necessary.
IS IT BETTER TO BE A NERD OR A TOOL?
I’ve been a nerd, and I’ve been a tool, so I think I’m qualified to answer this question.
I was a nerd before personal computers were around and became vital for survival, and even if personal computers had been around, I’m just as technologically inept as any normal person, so basically I’m (or would have been) a nerd without the one real benefit of being a nerd.
I had just about every other nerd characteristic. I was socially awkward. I dressed funny. I had thick glasses. I read comic books and classic literature. I listened to classical music. I even kept a journal.
One day I looked at all the tools (before the term “tool” had been coined) around me and thought, these guys have it a lot easier than I do. Nobody mocks them. There isn’t any pressure on them to do well at school. My life would be easier if I were more like them.
It was so easy becoming a tool that I’m surprised more nerds didn’t figure it out back then. All I did was trade out my thick glasses for contact lenses (fortunately, soft lenses came out in the 1980’s, and I’m grateful because hard lenses were brutal on my sensitive nerd eyes), exchange the button down shirt for a t-shirt, and start watching football. Once I (kind of) looked like a normal guy who could argue about football like every other tool, the real tools left me alone.
MOST IMPORTANT LESSON ON LIFE EVER!!!
Being able to talk about football negates almost all social awkwardness.
NERD OR TOOL?
The world needs more nerds. The world doesn’t need more tools. But it’s more fun being a tool (as long as you don’t torment or hurt anyone while being a tool) than it is a nerd.
The problem with tools is that most of them are too young to have earned the right to be a tool. I’ve earned the right. I’ve worked hard most of my life. I’ve contributed to society. If I want to sit around for hours playing Madden, I’ve earned that right. If I want to walk around in public with my Spongebobs showing, I’ve earned that right.
CLARIFICATION: “Spongebobs” is a euphemism for underwear, not a reference to a body part that would disgust 60% of my audience.
If you’re under 40, you probably haven’t earned the right to be a tool. Unfortunately, most tools are under the age of 40.
FINAL(ly a) VERDICT
Tools need nerds to fix their computers, and nerds need tools to install their garbage disposals.
No, they don’t.
Most nerds could figure out how to install their own disposals without a tool. Most tools couldn’t figure out how to fix a computer without a nerd. Therefore, a tool needs a nerd more than a nerd needs a tool. Since I’d rather be a nerd without a tool (yeah, I know that sounds wrong) than a tool without a nerd, it is definitely better to be a nerd than a tool.
The Royal Library of Alexandria, maybe not the oldest library in the world, but pretty darn close. No pictures of the library of Ebla were available. Image via Wikipedia
A precocious boy walked into a public library with his mother and said in a very loud voice, “This library isn’t very big! The largest library in the world is the Library of Congress which has a world record of 29 million books and is three buildings big. This library doesn’t even hold a million books, which means this library has less than three percent of the books that can be found in the Library of Congress.”
The introverted librarian thought about shushing the boy but said nothing because she hoped he might calm down after a few minutes.
Instead, the boy continued in his loud voice.
“Did you know that the first library in the world was the Royal Library of Alexandria in Alexandria, Egypt and still is open to the public?” he asked his mother. “I would love to check out a book from Alexandria, Egypt, but it would cost me a lot of money just to travel to Alexandria, so it would probably be cheaper just to have a librarian from Alexandria send me a book, and I could tell everybody that I checked it out from Alexandria.”
“Ma’am,” the librarian said to the boy’s mother. “Would you please tell your son to speak in a lower voice?”
The mom seemed horrified that anybody would ask her child to quiet down. “My son is very inquisitive, and you should encourage him to satisfy his curiosity rather than telling him to be quiet.”
The librarian tried hard not to roll her eyes.
“Then, would you please tell your son that the first library in the world was in the ancient city-state of Ebla, not in Alexandria?” the librarian asked. “If he’s going to disturb my library, at least make sure he has his facts straight.”
*****
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
I’m kind of an introvert, so I was interested in this book, but the author pulled a transparent stunt in the first few pages, a cliché that was so unimaginative that I almost stopped reading. I don’t do spoilers, so I can’t reveal what the stunt was, but it’s kind of obvious and almost a deal breaker for a hyper-critical reader like me.
The author got back on track in the next couple chapters, especially in a section that examines the Harvard Business School method of teaching. I have some major anti-Ivy League biases, and this chapter (the chapter itself is not anti-Ivy League) confirmed some of my notions about how Ivy League nepotism and networking has harmed the United States more than helped. I can picture in my head a bunch of Ivy League extroverts yammering about things they know nothing about (like actually working for a living) and leaving their meeting saying things like, “Our decisions today may have destroyed the housing market, but at least my voice was heard.”
Except an Ivy Leaguer might not admit to having made a bad decision because it would be seen as a sign of weakness.
Please do not blame this book for my own anti-Ivy League biases.
Quiet shows how extroverts are placed into leadership positions when the qualities that make them extroverts also sometimes lead them to make poor decisions. The qualities that lead introverts to make good decisions can also keep them out of leadership positions.
If you’re interested in that kind of thing (and haven’t read other books about introverts), then you may like this book (even if you don’t have an anti-Ivy League bias).
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathon Safran Foer
I didn’t get very far into this book before I stopped reading it, and it’s easy to explain why.
When I was reading literary fiction in the 1980’s, I noticed that a lot of authors would fill their novels/stories with oddball trivia to show how smart they were, beef up the word count, slow down the plot to make the book move at an interminably slow pace, and add substance to the story. Back then, authors could get away with that and seem smart. Nowadays, even the laziest of authors can type into a search engine and appear smarter than they really are. I should know (because I that’s what I did for the beginning of this review).
I don’t know if Foer is really that smart or if he lives on a search engine, but I got tired of reading that kind of fiction during the 1980’s, and I have a low tolerance for that style now, especially when it’s in the voice of a nine year old boy.
I tried to give the book a second chance by treating it like a fantasy where a kid can really be that precocious and wander around New York (kind of like The Wizard of Oz with more tragic elements).
I thought this strategy might work because I normally like fantasy, but I prefer my fantasy to have hobbits and wizards and orcs and monsters and Frank Frazetta posters with hulking barbarians and scantily clad women in anatomically impossible positions. So my strategy didn’t work, and I stopped reading after a few more pages.
WHICH BOOK SHOULD YOU READ?
An introvert might be annoyed that a book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close becomes a bestseller and is turned into a movie that gets nominated for a bunch of awards while a book named Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking gets ignored. It’s probably tough to get a bunch of extroverts in Hollywood to make a movie about how introverts contribute to a society of extroverts.
If you’re not annoyed by the writing style of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, you’ll probably like the book because it obviously appeals to somebody out there (just not me). If you’re interested in how introverts have to adjust in American society (you probably don’t care if you’re an extrovert because you’d rather babble on and on about your own stupid, petty lives than listen to what somebody else has to… aw, never mind)), then read Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.
Personally, I’ve always preferred the quiet over the loud.
It has yet to be determined if the picture of this Whopper was taken pre-delivery or post-delivery. Image via Wikipedia
Even though they knew it was the height of fast food laziness, a family thought it would be fun to try out Burger King’s new delivery service. The father, fortunately, had enough experience with BK to check the order as soon as the delivery man arrived.
“The whopper’s not supposed to have mayonnaise,” the father said. “The icee is supposed to be cherry, the kid’s meal is supposed to be chicken nuggets, not a cheeseburger, and the toy is the same one that we got last week!”
Red in the face with anger (not at the customer), the delivery man left with the food and promised to be back with the correct order in 30 minutes.
When the father closed the door, his wife asked him, “Why do you expect Burger King to get your delivery order right when they can’t get it right in the drive-thru?”
“Are you kidding? This is great!” the father said with glee. “I’m not the one who has to drive back to get the order fixed.”
Dysfunctional Literacy 