One person might look at this crowd and say, “Freedom of expression is what makes the USA great!” Another person might look at the same crowd and say, “Aw man, something really bad is gonna happen there.” Image via Wikipedia
Protesters can be pretty annoying. They’re loud, their slogans are stupid, and they slow down traffic. Social injustice is bad, but I need to get to work. A BEST PROTESTER JOKE EVER!! is an anecdote that can make fun of the protester without impugning the cause. Whether it’s an Occupier defecating in public, or a Tea Partier screaming down a befuddled bureaucrat, protesters may have the right to voice their concerns loudly, but the non-protesting commoner also has the right to mock them for their crass behavior. The following stories might not be the funniest protester jokes ever, but since they can be appreciated by those of all political persuasions, these are some of the BEST PROTESTER JOKES EVER!!
HOT MODELS MAKE UNCOOL PROTESTERS!
A mastermind protest organizer was annoyed that protesters were getting a bad reputation. A recent string of nationwide rallies had led to a series of crimes, property destruction, and (justified) arrests. So much lawlessness had gone on that the whole point of the protests had been lost.
To put a new face on protesting, the mastermind hired three gorgeous models and instructed them to protest against social injustice (a specific kind of his choice). The general public likes attractive women, and sex sells, the mastermind thought, so he figured these three women could help the image of the common protester.
At first, things seemed to go well enough. The models dressed in skimpy enough outfits to get attention. News organizations sent camera crews. The hot models talked about social injustice, and crowds gathered to support them.
But once the crowds got too large, the police showed up to disperse them, and the hot models went crazy. One hot model got into a fight with police. Another hot model started crying and began cutting tiny lines into her arms with a sharp object. Another hot model took off all her clothes and made obscene gestures to the cameras. Consequently, all three hot models got arrested.
The mastermind was furious. The models had made a mockery of his protest, even worse than the homeless and the criminals had previously done. He stormed to the police station to bail them out because they were gorgeous yell at them.
“What were you thinking?” he screamed. “You were supposed to display a positive image to the public!”
“We talked about social injustice, but nothing changed,” one gorgeous model explained.
“So?” the mastermind exclaimed. “That’s no reason to go crazy, start fights, and mutilate yourselves.”
Another model said, “But that’s how we act when we don’t get our way.”
*****
THE ONE GOOD REASON TO FORGIVE STUDENT LOANS
A young college graduate returned home for a holiday family reunion. He hadn’t been able to find a job since graduating, and he’d spent time protesting at several Occupy rallies. Being unemployed, he had lots of time to occupy.
“I demand that the government forgive all student loans,” the college graduate protester announced at the dinner table, eliciting several groans from family members who were hoping for a peaceful holiday feast.
“Oh yeah?” the graduate’s dad responded angrily, eliciting even more groans (now that a peaceful dinner was out of the question).
“When I was your age,” the protester’s dad continued. “I worked three jobs while I was in college so that I wouldn’t need to take out a stinking loan. I paid for my cars in cash so that I wouldn’t have to take out a loan. I’ve paid for our house, without ever asking for my loan to be forgiven. I even paid for half your college expenses while you partied and chose a major that makes you unemployable. Now, give me one good reason why you think the government should forgive all your student loans.”
The protester smiled at his aggravated dad. “Because if the government doesn’t forgive all my loans, I’ll have to move back in with you.”
*****
AN OCCUPY WALL STREET JOKE
The Occupy Wall Street rallies had lots of weird stuff going on, but one of the craziest events involved a protester having a bowel movement on a police car. The police officers didn’t appreciate this form of political speech, so they engaged in their own version of free expression with a combination of tasers, pepper spray, and a good old fashioned beating.
Once everybody had worked through their issues, the police officer asked the defecating demonstrator, “Why are you causing all this trouble, and why did you take a dump on my car?”
“Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” the pooping protestor chanted. “Wall Street greed has made jobs hard to find.”
“Then start your own business,” the police officer suggested.
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” the demonstrator said. “I just opened a car wash down the street, and I’m trying to get more customers.”
Most guys would probably let her cut in a grocery store line, but a gas line is a different kind of beast. Image via Wikipedia
The price of fuel was skyrocketing again, and a guy was sitting in his car at a gas station with his hot girlfriend. This gas station had the lowest prices in town, and hot girlfriends can get expensive (in a legal way), so the guy had to save money where he could. Since there were about ten cars in front of them, the couple was starting to get impatient.
“You hide,” said the hot girlfriend. “I bet I can get some lonely guy to let me cut in line if they don’t see you with me.”
Knowing that his hot girlfriend could be persuasive, the guy agreed. The hot girlfriend got out of the car, spotted a lonely guy a few cars up, and sauntered over to him.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said to the lonely guy, batting her eye lids. “I’m in a hurry. Would you mind letting me cut in line?”
“Get lost, bimbo!” the lonely guy said. “This is a gas line!”
Undaunted, the hot girlfriend spotted another guy a few cars farther up the line.
“If it was just me, I’d let you through,” the second lonely guy said after hearing the hot girlfriend’s request. “But there are a dozen cars behind me, and they’d kill me if I let you cut.”
The hot girlfriend was starting to lose her confidence. She couldn’t recall ever being rejected by two lonely guys in a row. It was unprecedented. Still, she was hot and in a skimpy outfit, so she knew there was a lonely guy somewhere that would let her cut in line. Up near the very front, she saw a lonely guy sitting in his car. If she could get to him, she would be next in line.
“Are you kidding me?” the third lonely guy said. “I haven’t seen a gas line this long since Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter. You’re going to have to wait it out.”
Shaken, the hot girlfriend returned to her boyfriend. “I just realized that I must be getting old,” the hot girlfriend said sadly.
“Don’t be hard on yourself,” the guy said. “Gas lines are notoriously merciless. Nobody was going to let anybody cut.”
“That’s not it,” the hot girlfriend said. “Some guy made a Jimmy Carter reference, and I actually knew what he was talking about.”
As cool as this is, Disney might find a way to ruin it. Image via Wikipedia
A guy was meeting his friend at the movie theater when he saw his buddy dressed in a green costume with four arms (two were paper mache) and a green mask with large pointy teeth in an under bite. Other people going to the movie stood back to give his friend in the green costume some space.
“What the heck are you supposed to be?” the guy asked his buddy.
“I am Tars Tarkas, Jeddak of the Tharks!” his buddy proudly announced. “I have waited all my life for a John Carter of Mars movie, and after all these years, my wishes have been fulfilled.”
“You can’t dress up for John Carter,” the guy said. “It isn’t cool.”
“It was cool for Harry Potter. It was cool for Star Wars,” his buddy pointed out.
“No, it wasn’t cool,” the guy replied. “I just put up with it because those movies actually meant something when they came out. Nobody cares about John Carter.”
The buddy looked dejected, even with the Tars Tarkus mask on, and the guy felt sorry for his buddy. “Look, next time, just warn me ahead of time so that I can get a costume too.”
“Yes!” his buddy said proudly. “You want to join me in my salute to Edgar Rice Burroughs!”
The guy shook his head. “No. When people see me with you, I don’t want them to recognize me.”
*****
WHY NOW?
I’m not writing this to bash Hollywood for its lack of fresh ideas. Anybody can do that. It’s just curious that a new Conan the Barbarian and a new John Carter of Mars movie would come out within a year of each other, when there hasn’t been any clamoring for these movies, even from the types of people who usually clamor for these kinds of movies.
Instead of mocking Hollywood (this time), it’s actually a worthwhile endeavor to compare/contrast Conan the Barbarian with John Carter of Mars just for the heck of it.
They’re both series written in the early 20th century. Both had cool Frank Frazetta covers when I was a kid (decades after these books and short stories were originally published). Both were pulpy science fiction/ fantasy in an era of pulpy science fiction/fantasy. Both authors, Edgar Rice Burroughs and Robert E. Howard, wrote a lot of stuff.
Egads, comparisons are kind of boring! Contrasts are far more interesting.
Conan the Barbarian (series) by Robert E. Howard
No, this isn’t a Frank Frazetta cover, but it’s still pretty awesome! Image via Wikipedia
There’s something about a Robert E. Howard Conan story that never gets old, the language so poetic and flowery that the reader almost forgets that Conan is hacking a tentacle off a monster sucking the guts out of some poor human victim. Every few years I reread the short story “Rogues in the House” (most Robert E. Howard Conan stories were pretty short) and discover something new. Just beware of Conan imitators, even the early ones who tried valiantly to complete Howard’s unfinished stories. Conan written by anyone other than Robert E. Howard is just another barbarian who happens to be named Conan.
And what is Conan without the Frank Frazetta covers, Conan protecting a near naked woman with body proportions that almost require surgery? As a teenager, I gazed at the Frank Frazetta women, dreaming of the benefits of being a barbarian in the Hyborian Age, but then in my twenties (I was a slow learner) I realized that I’m the guy who would get killed by the monster or get killed by Conan or get killed by the other guys trying to kill Conan who would later get killed by Conan.
Frank Frazetta covers are so awesome that downloading Conan on an e-reader without the Frank Frazetta covers is almost like subscribing to Playboy without the pictures on your electronic device, except for one very important difference: the writing in Conan stories is actually really good!!!
*****
John Carter of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The problem with John Carter is that these novels are very formulaic, so much so that if you’ve read one, you’ve pretty much read them all. There is a lot of being captured, then rescued, then captured, then escaping, then captured, and escaping before being rescued.
Edgar Rice Burroughs is better known as the creator of Tarzan, but he wrote a bunch of pulpy science fiction/ fantasy in the early 1900s, including John Carter and the Pellucidar series.
BIAS ALERT!!
I am way more passionate about Conan the Barbarian than I am about John Carter of Mars. There’s a reason why a bunch of authors (other than Robert E. Howard) have tried to write Conan the Barbarian books. There’s a reason why there’s a second generation Conan movie that was released last year. There’s a reason why the Conan stories keep being reinterpreted in comic book/ graphic novel form.
No other authors have tried to retell John Carter stories (though there have been numerous comic book versions). No offense to John Carter, but that ought to tell you something.
Robert E. Howard’s Conan is awesome! John Carter by Edgar Rice Burroughs is okay.
SINCE THERE AREN’T THAT MANY CONAN BOOKS (OR SHORT STORIES) WRITTEN BY ROBERT E. HOWARD…
If you absolutely must have a Conan fix and have reread all the Howard stuff, here’s my advice. Skip the non-Howard Conan books and read the Kane series by Karl Edward Wagner. It’s not Conan, but the tone and writing style are very similar. Bloodstone is a great fantasy novel, and Night Winds is a great collection of short stories.
And all this stuff beats most of the modern science fiction/ fantasy that’s popular right now… but that’s for another article.
Yeah, this picture needs a beach, some beer, and some gawking guys, but a bunch of women in bikinis is a great start for a Spring Break Joke! Image via Wikipedia
An average Spring Break joke has to have several elements that make Spring Break awesome: the beach, beer, hot women in bikinis, and guys trying to have a bunch of one-night-stands. If the joke also has a decent punch line, then it might just be a BEST SPRING BREAK JOKE EVER!!
*****
Three midwestern college guys (a hunk, a smooth talker, and an intellectual) traveled to a beach during Spring Break. The hunk and the smooth talker were going for obvious reasons (beer, women in bikinis, and drunk women in bikinis), but they couldn’t figure out why the intellectual was going.
“I’m going on Spring Break to have a few and to get some,” the hunk said. “Why are you going?”
“I’m studying the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the intellectual said.
“Good for you,” the smooth talker said. Both the hunk and the smooth talker were a bit uncomfortable around the intellectual, but he was quiet and paid more than his fair share, so he was welcomed on the trip.
When they got to the hotel room, the hunk and the smooth talker worked out sleeping (with women) arrangements so that they had a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with each other. Since the intellectual wasn’t going to bring back any women, his sleeping (by himself) schedule would be flexible.
Later that day, both the hunk and the smooth talker returned to the hotel room, each with a bikini clad partner, at the same time. Since this wasn’t supposed to happen, they began arguing about the arrangement.
“I get 7:00 to 9:00,” the hunk said.
“No, that’s your time tomorrow night,” the smooth talker replied (he was lying but figured he could smooth talk the hunk into believing him). They would have argued for a few more minutes, but one of the bikini-clad women spoke up.
“Can you two argue about this inside?” she asked. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
When they opened the hotel door, they were stunned to see the intellectual naked in bed with two really hot women (no longer wearing their bikinis). It was pretty obvious what had been going on, and both the hunk and the smooth talker were flabbergasted. Their female partners were already in the bathroom and didn’t care.
“But… but… but…,” the hunk said.
“You said you were here to study the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the smooth talker said.
“That’s why I’m an intellectual,” the intellectual said. “I can understand your euphemisms, but you don’t understand mine.”
Walt Disney: At the time he might have thought that nothing could be more annoying than a continuous loop of the song "It's a Small World After All," but he had never seen an episode of Ant Farm or Jessie. Image via Wikipedia
A family returned home from a hard day of work/school, and the two daughters immediately ran for the television.
“We want to watch Ant Farm! We want to watch Jessie!” the daughters chimed.
The parents cringed at the prospect of snotty Disney Channel kids, overproduced Disney Channel bubblegum music, and impossibly annoying laugh tracks.
“Before you watch your Disney Channel,” the father announced, “we’re going to watch an hour of Fox News!”
The daughters cried, wailed, and pounded their heads against the wall as a bunch of talking heads on the Fox News Channel argued with each other over trivial disagreements.
The mother shook her head and said to her husband, “You don’t even like Fox News.”
“True,” the father said. “But I want these kids to understand what I’m going through while they’re watching Disney.”
*****
We know they’re annoying. We know they can send a normally rational adult into a beserker rage. We know they can make a calm parent boil over into temporary insanity. I’m not talking about kids. I’m talking about the annoying teen shows they watch (like Ant Farm, Jessie, and iCarly).
Both Disney and Nick (Nickelodeon) seem to have a knack for hiring annoying… okay, I don’t even want to start whining about this. Other critics can do that. I’m here to show you documented (almost) scientific proof that these shows damage children’s brainpower.
THE FIRST DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY SCIENTIFIC STUDY
Before you start citing this study in your college dissertations or including this as a source in your books about childhood development, understand that I am not a trained scientist, and even I recognize there are flaws in this study. I only used one child. I didn’t run enough tests. I didn’t account for influences of gender, race, or socio-economic status. Besides that, I think I’m on the right track.
THE THEORY OR HYPOTHESIS (I always get the two confused):
Disney and Nick annoying teen shows (non-cartoons) make children who watch these shows stupid.
THE GUINEA PIG
One female child- a 3rd grader who shall remain nameless (don’t tell her that I used her as a guinea pig).
THE SITUATION
Over a 6-week period, the 3rd grader takes a spelling test on Friday. Each Thursday night that 3rd grader takes a practice test and must score 100 before she can watch television.
After watching one 30 minute show, the 3rd grader will retake the practice test. 3 retakes will be done after a cartoon (Spongebob, Phineas and Ferb, Fishhooks) and 3 retakes will be done after annoying teen shows (iCarly, Ant Farm, Jessie).
Prediction: 3rd grader will do much worse after annoying teen shows than after cartoons.
THE RESULTS
The 3rd grade student scored 100, 100, and 95 after cartoons. The 3rd grader scored 85 (after iCarly), 90 (after Ant Farm), and 100 (stunningly after Jessie, but that might be an outlier because she cried before doing the Jessie retake, which was fine because earlier I cried because I had to watch Jessie before the retake).
Maybe crying before a retest helps a 3rd grader to concentrate.
ANALYSIS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY RESULTS
Some pointy-headed types might want to perform further tests to verify the conclusion, but this is enough evidence for me.
These Disney Channel/Nick shows make kids stupid. Disney Channel and/or Nick might try to spin this and say that the 3rd grader still performed at a 91% average which wasn’t much lower than her 98% average after cartoons.
However, the 3rd grader made five spelling errors after annoying teen shows as opposed to only one error after cartoons, so that means she was 500% stupider after watching the annoying teen shows.
Parents, go ahead and try this. It’s a simple study, costs nothing, and the results… (wait for it)… might surprise you!
UPCOMING SCIENTIFIC STUDIES FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
Next month I’m going to publish my study on the relationship between Disney/Nick annoying teen shows and the frequency/intensity of headaches (and other possible ailments) in adults.
This might not be one of the post offices getting closed down, but it looks like it could use some renovations. Image via Wikipedia
*****
A demolition crew was getting ready to tear down a recently closed United States Post Office when a member of the crew ran out from the building to his foreman.
“Sir, you can’t blow up the post office yet,” the demolition guy said to his boss. “There are still a bunch of postal workers in there walking around aimlessly like zombies.”
“Why are they in there?” the foreman asked, exasperated. “They’re not protesting, are they?”
“They don’t know they’ve been laid off, sir,” replied the demolition guy. “The government sent their termination notices in the mail last month, but the postal workers haven’t gotten them yet.”
*****
Yeah, I might get accused of mailing this one in.
You know a vampire book is awesome when there isn't even a picture on the cover! Image via Wikipedia
A beautiful woman was sleeping alone wearing nothing but a thin nightgown in the forest (don’t ask why) when she was approached on opposite sides by a vampire and a werewolf. The vampire was thirsty for blood and reached for the beautiful woman’s neck. The ravenously starving werewolf aimed for the woman’s thigh.
But when the werewolf and the vampire saw each other, instead of sharing the meal, they fought.
“The woman is mine!” the vampire said, throwing the werewolf around and digging into his flesh with teeth and nails.
“Rrraaarrrgh!” the werewolf said, trying to tear at the vampire (to hurt, not to eat, the vampire).
The woman awoke to the sight of the battling monsters. A friend suddenly came to the woman’s side and tried to pull her away.
“Why aren’t you running?” the friend asked in horror.
The beautiful woman said, “I don’t know why, but I love it when guys fight over me.”
*****
VAMPIRES ARE NOT SEXY
Vampires are pasty, thin, with goofy looking teeth and sensitive skin that burns in the sunlight. C’mon, ladies, vampires are nerds. Give a vampire a pair of thick glasses, and you’d ask him to fix your computer (when they’re working the night shift).
Vampires are only sexy if they’re successful with their hypnotic suggestions (hypnotic suggestions never worked with me on women, so I have to give vampires credit for this one), or if they’re rich. Anybody who is rich and lives in a castle/mansion is sexy.
Put a vampire in tatters and have him wash windshields on busy intersections in the middle of the city, and the vampire is not sexy.
WHY DRACULA IS THE BEST VAMPIRE NOVEL EVER!
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Bram Stoker: this guy just looks like he could write agreat vampire book. Image via Wikipedia
First of all, Bram Stoker is a cool name (as long as it’s pronounced “Stoke” and not “Stalk”).
Second of all, Dracula was written over a hundred years ago, and it’s still very readable. Many classics are written in a formal language that’s difficult for average readers to follow, but Dracula is amazingly straightforward. Even with its diary entries (no stick figure pictures of wimpy real estate lawyers getting bullied by vampires), Dracula is easy to follow, and has creepy moments of suspense.
Dracula will continue to be read for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Now let’s look at the competition.
Interview with a Vampire (and others in the series) by Anne Rice
These are women books. Yeah, I know that got me in trouble a couple decades ago, but we can admit it now. These don’t hold up over time. Dracula holds up over time.
WARNING FOR MEN!!
When you are dating a literary girlfriend and she gives you a book to read (such as Interview with a Vampire or The Mists of Avalon) and then you read the book, don’t tell her that it was a woman’s book.
When a literary girlfriend gives you a woman’s book to read, read it, and then be prepared to ask questions and discuss it for about ten to fifteen minutes. Then when your literary girlfriend gives you another book to read (fight the “Aw, c’mon! Not again!” reflex reaction), just say, “I’m in the middle of a couple really good books (have them ready), but I’ll read this when I’m done.”
I learned this technique before the internet (so I actually had to read the books), but now you can learn everything you need to know about just about any book (without buying notes), so you now have no excuse.
Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
These get criticized a lot, but if you think of them as YA books, they’re not bad (from the parts I’ve read). Keep in mind that most YA books are very substandard, so this isn’t exactly a recommendation.
I also don’t think these books will be read a hundred years from now.
Salem’s Lot by Stephen King
This is a pretty good early King vampire book, but it doesn’t get much attention anymore. If you’re going to read any (kind of) contemporary vampire book, this is this one.
ALL THE REST
At some point, I have to admit that I’m biased. I don’t care about all the rest of the vampire hunters, vampire slayers, vampire lovers, or vampire hybrids; Dracula is the best vampire book ever. Its relevance, its readability, and its originality are all unmatched by any contemporary vampire novel.
It doesn’t mean that there aren’t any good vampire novels out there. It just means that there aren’t any as good as Dracula.
Sorry guys, but back then starlets didn’t have wardrobe malfunctions. Image via Wikipedia
The Oscar Academy Awards ceremony had just begun, and two presenters, a handsome actor and a beautiful young starlet, were about to go on stage. The starlet was a bit upset that she hadn’t been nominated that year and was thinking of some way to stand out from all the other presenters that evening.
“Maybe I should say something spontaneous,” she said. “Like ‘I love my life!’ right before I read the winner’s name.”
“You have to be a Hollywood fixture to get away with that,” the actor said. “And the winner is not a ‘winner.’ The winner is ‘an Oscar recipient.’”
“Maybe I could have a wardrobe malfunction on stage,” the actress suggested.
“As much as I would enjoy that,” the actor replied, “I’m afraid you would be sharing time with several other actresses who will try the same thing.”
Getting frustrated, the actress said, “Maybe I should just flip off the audience.”
“You’re very beautiful and talented,” the actor said (to the starlet, not to himself). “Just smile and read your lines, and your career will be just fine.”
As the actor and starlet strode confidently on stage, the starlet stumbled and fell flat on her face with a loud thud. The actor wasn’t sure what to do.
While others attended to the starlet, the actor kept the charming smile on his face, walked up to the microphone and said, “I’d heard rumors that she had fallen for me, and now I guess she really has.”
The audience giggled nervously, but after the ceremony the actor heard that the actress had suffered several broken bones from the fall.
Mortified, the actor rushed to the hospital to see the starlet, who was sedated but still lucid.
“I’m so sorry,” the actor said. “When you fell, I was going to catch you, but I thought you might get mad because you wanted the attention from falling, but now that I know it was an accident, I feel horrible. I really let you down. I feel like such a horrible person!”
“This is what I hate about Hollywood actors,” the starlet said. “You always think everything’s about you.”
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I remember reading (and hating) a lot of books in junior high and high school. Students universally hated A Light in the Forest, A Separate Peace, The Odyssey, and even Brave New World. It’s not that they were bad books. That’s a different debate. It’s that as teenagers, we had to work to read them, and teenagers hate(d) it when reading is (was) work.
There was one book that was universally thought of to be an exception (at my school anyway), and that book was… Massage Parlor by Jennifer Sills.
Man, we loved Massage Parlor. It was completely different from anything we had ever read in school. It dealt with topics that no other book ever had. From the very first page, we were gripped by the intensity of…
Okay, I’m kidding. Massage Parlor (maybe it was Massage Parlor II) got passed around a lot (by boys), but it was not in my school’s curriculum.
C’mon, this isn’t exactly a dramatic opening. The novel that everybody respected was To Kill a Mockingbird. I’m not saying everybody liked To Kill a Mockingbird, but everybody at least respected To Kill a Mockingbird. And this was at a time when kids weren’t allowed to watch movies in school. We liked (and respected) it without seeing the movie.
NO SYNOPSIS?
Every worthwhile synopsis of To Kill a Mockingbird has already been written a hundred times over. On the other hand, A Time to Kill is not worth a synopsis.
A Time to Kill by John Grisham
Literary legends in the 1990s claimed that A Time to Kill was John Grisham’s first novel, but no publishers would buy it. It was only after The Firm became a monster hit (kind of deservedly so… it was a pretty good book) that A Time to Kill was published and a bunch of critics and readers were fooled into thinking it had been a travesty that the publishing world had passed over such an inspired first time effort.
I think the truth (not the legend) was that A Time to Kill was published a couple years before The Firm, but so few copies were printed that it was like not being published at all.
Either way, the publishers had it right the first time. A Time to Kill was dreck, with the worst of one-dimensional characters and blatantly manipulative melodrama. It was a brilliant public relations campaign to convince the reading public otherwise.
HARPER LEE vs. JOHN GRISHAM
Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, and that was it. Even though an adoring public wished for more, Harper Lee left us (she hasn’t “left” us, if you think that’s what I meant) with one classic. Always leave your audience wanting more.
John Grisham followed up The Firm (a pretty good book) with a bunch of mediocre novels. I kind of wish he had stopped with The Firm.
THE MOVIES
To Kill a Mockingbird just came out in blu-ray, and supposedly it’s one of the few movies (especially old black and white ones) where picture quality makes a huge difference. I don’t care. I’d watch it, no matter how grainy the visual quality was.
I think A Time to Kill came out on dvd. A couple cable stations even still run it every once in a while. I’m not sure if it will come out in blu-ray.
GREGORY PECK vs. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Remember a couple decades ago when Hollywood was trying to pass off Mathew McConaughey as the next great leading man? A Time to Kill was one of his early starring roles, but I don’t remember the lead character’s name. Gregory Peck was Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird.
Gregory Peck was Atticus Finch before Matthew McConaughey was even a gleam in… you know what I mean. Image via Wikipedia
Yeah, this is not a fair comparison.
Gregory Peck: one of the greatest American actors of all time!
Mathew McConaughey: decent actor who looked great with his shirt off (at least, that’s what women told me).
Really, the only way you could compare Mathew McConaughey with Gregory Peck is to say that Mathew McConaughey had better pecks than Gregory Peck. To be fair, I don’t think I’ve seen Gregory Peck’s pecks, but they were probably s(peck)tacular.
Go ahead. Just punch me in the face right now… in a metaphorical way.
WHICH ONE?
If you have some time to kill, don’t read A Time to Kill (yeah, just punch me in the face again); read To Kill a Mockingbird. If you don’t have time to read it, then watch the movie.
I found an old copy of Massage Parlor II a few years ago. It wasn’t as good as I remembered. Man, stuff like that can be really disappointing.
You know you're getting up there when you count the candles, multiply times four, and can't figure out your age. Image via Wikipedia
Having a birthday on February 29 was always kind of tough, but this year a Leap Day birthday boy was having an especially difficult 40th birthday.
In the morning, his two teenage kids kept saying that they were older than he was (because it was only his tenth Leap Day birthday), and that got old really quickly. While he was at work, the 40-year old Leap Day birthday boy kept thinking about the significance of 40, and he contemplated his place in the universe and wondered if he had contributed anything worthy by his life’s likely halfway point.
Then when he returned home from work, his wife surprised him with a party and a “Lordy, Lordy, Look Who’s 10!” birthday cake.
The 40-year old Leap Day birthday boy flipped out, yelling, “I’m not 10! I’m not 10! I’m 40! Quit calling me 10!”
And with that, he stormed out, ran into the bedroom, and slammed the door.
The Leap Day birthday boy’s wife was quite embarrassed. “I can’t believe this is how he acts on his 40th birthday,” she complained.
“You’re lucky your husband’s birthday is on Leap Day,” her best friend said. “My husband’s birthday is on a normal day, and when he turned 40, he bought a shiny new sports car and ran off with his secretary.”
