Who will Leonardo DiCaprio be miscast as next? Perhaps as Atticus Finch in a To Kill a Mockingbird remake? Maybe as Moses in a remake of The Ten Commandments? Image via Wikipedia
Leonardo DiCaprio might be the Justin Bieber of actors (but with a better haircut). Yeah, he’s talented, but I get suspicious of talented performers when people in the industry have to explain to the general public just how talented these talented performers are.
Because Leonardo DiCaprio is so talented, he has a history of being miscast. He was miscast in The Aviator. He was miscast in J. Edgar. He was miscast in Gangs of New York. He was miscast in Shutter Island. I think it’s obvious where I’m going with this.
Okay, Leonardo DiCaprio might not be miscast as Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby, but he’s been miscast so many times in major roles that I’m not going to see Jay Gatsby; I’m going to see Leonardo DiCaprio pretending to be Jay Gatsby.
I have the same problem with other stars who have been miscast in too many films, stars such as Tom Cruise, Nicholas Cage, Brad Pitt, Halle Berry, Meryl Streep, etc. But that’s a discussion for another time.
F. Scott Fitzgerald: He does kind of resemble Leonardo DiCaprio (or is it the other way around?). Image via Wikipedia
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Remember, this is not necessarily a critique of the novel. If you get too critical of The Great Gatsby nowadays, you get accused of “not getting it.” My purpose here is to demonstrate how a great novel (I “get it”) can potentially make a lousy movie.
The Great Gatsby is short, which is good. Too many authors today would take the same story, over-write it into 800 pages and then turn it into a trilogy (or even worse, a meandering series that doesn’t know where it’s going).
I respect the 120 page book that is considered a great American classic. If more authors wrote 120 page books, I’d read more books. If George R. Martin could fit his 120 pages worth of story in each A Song of Ice and Fire novel into 120 pages (instead of 500), I’d read them. If Tom Clancy could fit his 120 pages of Jack Ryan stories into… naw, I’m done with Tom Clancy.
Yes, The Great Gatsby has a nice symmetry to it. Yes, the writing is often fantastic. But I don’t need a hammer slammed against my head to realize that the wealthy can be shallow. I know a lot of shallow poor people too. I even know a couple middle class folk that are shallow as well. Shallowness is a fairly common human quality.
What I object to in this novel (just a little bit) is the humorless shallowness. Most really shallow, cynical people I know also are kind of funny. And there isn’t much humor in The Great Gatsby. It’s not meant to be a comedy, but even dramas can be funny. Even Shakespearean tragedies have humorous moments. But I can’t recall a time I even cracked a smile while reading The Great Gatsby.
The writing also has a “tell instead of show” quality that bugs some readers who have taken writing classes in the last 30 years or so. I don’t mind a paragraph that interprets a character’s personality from his smile. Some readers do. Some readers also think Fitzgerald is showing off when he “tells” like that, but I don’t care because the novel is still short, compact, very tight, and doesn’t waste the reader’s time like a lot of classics do.
HOW DOES THIS AFFECT THE MOVIE?
The novel’s strengths will probably be its weaknesses as a movie.
The novel is great because of Fitzgerald’s writing style, but I’m not sure how that writing style translates onto a screen. The actors are going to have to do a lot of emoting to translate Fitzgerald’s writing. And since there’s not much humor, it’s going to be very dramatic emoting, the kind that can make a film overwrought and dreary. The film will probably be great for high school English teachers who need a day off after teaching The Great Gatsby, but I have serious doubts that the movie itself will be that good as a “movie” experience.
For some reason I thought she would appreciate my sense of humor, but she was obviously offended by my offensive jokes, and I am offended by her offensive reaction. Image via Wikipedia
An offensive joke is an anecdote that makes a person cringe while hearing (or telling) it. We know we shouldn’t laugh, but sometimes we still do. A BEST OFFENSIVE JOKE EVER is an anecdote where the listener expects to shudder or cringe, but instead is relieved at the end. The following anecdotes might not be the funniest offensive jokes ever, but since they aren’t as tasteless as they could be, these are some the BEST OFFENSIVE JOKES EVER!!
*****
A SEXUAL HARRASSMENT JOKE
A lawyer was on the phone in his office, and a client was waiting patiently next to the lawyer’s desk. While the lawyer was still talking quietly, his secretary strolled into his office. The client raised his eyebrows at this vision of beauty. She wore a tight dress which displayed ample natural cleavage and curved smoothly around her backside. She confidently placed a file on her boss’s desk, bending down a bit so that the lawyer and his client could get an eyeful.
“Thank… you,” the lawyer said, almost mechanically, not making eye contact with the secretary. “I… appreciate… all… the… competent… work… you… do.”
When the secretary left the office, the client almost commented about the lawyer’s self-restraint, but the lawyer signaled him to be quiet for another moment.
After the phone conversation was over, the client said, “Time’s have changed. A few years ago you would have said something lewd or suggestive to that babe.”
“Yeah,” the lawyer said. “But I’ve learned that sometimes I have to be careful with what I say.”
The client shook his head. “It’s that sexual harassment political correctness run amok.”
“No,” the lawyer said. “That was my wife on the phone.”
*****
A RACIST JOKE
A racist was driving down the street, marveling at the inferiority of all the drivers around him.
“Look at that stupid (colorful, racist expletive),” the racist said. “Driving with the bass turned up so high the pavement shakes. What a dumb (colorful, racist expletive).”
“And look at that stupid (colorful, racist expletive),” the racist said, staring at another car. “The hood and trunk of his car are moving up and down so much it looks like the car is humping the street. What a dumb (colorful, racist expletive).”
“Now look at that stupid (colorful, racist expletive),” the racist said. “Driving so slow that he’s causing a traffic jam. What a dumb (colorful, racist expletive).”
Then the racist noticed a police car behind him with its siren on.
“Of course, I’m the one that gets pulled over,” the racist muttered.
“Sir,” the police officer said after the racist rolled down his window. “Are you aware that you just ran a red light?”
“I’m sorry, officer,” the racist said. “I don’t see color.”
*****
A PENN STATE JOKE
A Penn State football recruiter was visiting a highly regarded high school player. The recruiter talked about the winning traditions of Penn State and its proud history (and stayed away from mentioning the Sandusky scandal), but despite the recruiter’s best efforts, the high school football player insisted he didn’t plan on going to Penn State.
“Why not?” the recruiter asked, hesitantly. “Is it because of any scandals that you’ve heard about?”
“No, I don’t know about any scandals,” the high school football player said.
“Really?” the recruiter said, perplexed. “Is it about the coaching changes then?”
“No, I don’t mind the coaching changes,” the football player said.
“Is it about our bland uniforms?” the recruiter asked.
“No, I don’t mind your uniforms,” the football player said.
Puzzled, the recruiter asked, “Then why is it that you don’t want to come to Penn State?”
“Because every other university set me up with some really hot college women on my recruiting visits,” the football player said. “At Penn State, all I got was some old naked guy in the shower.”
I’m not even sure what this image means, but a picture of pills and prophylactics simply didn’t seem appealing. And these colors sure are pretty. Image via Wikipedia
*****
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Little did the driver of this shopping cart know that he held the key to everlasting peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Image via Wikipedia
I deleted this blog post because it was kind of stupid, and it doesn’t fit this blog’s purpose. At the time, I was experimenting with search engine algorithms (that’s a whole different topic), and I learned what I needed to learn (and I can write about that another time), but I ended up with dozens of stupid blog posts that aren’t appropriate for my blog’s purpose anymore. I’ve kept other stupid blog posts that actually are appropriate content for Dysfunctional Literacy.
Maybe this isn't quite what Isaac Asimov envisioned, but hey, it's still a robot... kind of. Image via Wikipedia
The problem with science fiction is that (despite the word “science”) authors make up the rules as their books progress. Things like warp speed, light years, and subatomic rays can be manipulated by the author to move the plot in illogical ways. Almost every science fiction author (except for maybe George Lucas) has been guilty of this at some time. This is one of the reasons I avoid fantasy in large doses as well.
I, Robot by Isaac Asimov establishes three simple rules at the beginning, and the rest of the book centers around how these rules cause problems as the robots become more sophisticated. Maybe there are some flaws in the logic throughout the book, but I wasn’t smart enough to pick up on them, and I appreciate that. If I’m smart enough to figure out where the sci-fi writer is just making things up, then the sci-fi writer isn’t doing his (and every once in a while “her”) job.
ISAAC ASIMOV IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY
Isaac Asimov can give me a headache. I read the first Foundation book but had to stop in the middle of the second because of Asimov induced migraines. I, Robot didn’t give me a headache. It’s a collection of short stories about robots and the problems that are caused as they get more sophisticated and people rely on them more. Just as a short story was beginning to give me a headache, the problem was resolved and a new story began.
Forget about what I said about headaches; the short stories are actually interesting.
The science fiction and fantasy genre(s) would be better off if more authors established the ground rules early in their books and stuck to them. Then again, I like rules.
I, ROBOT, THE MOVIE
Yeah, it was really stupid, but a book shouldn’t be blamed for the stupidity of the movie that was made based on it… unless the book itself was really stupid.
Other books considered for BEST SCIENCE FICTION BOOK EVER!
The Time Machine or The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells-
H.G. Wells is almost unreadable by today’s standards. A BEST BOOK EVER has to hold up over time. The stories above are timeless, but the storytelling style isn’t.
Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card- Entertaining, but the main characters are kids, so the book is automatically disqualified.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams – Humor is subjective, and science fiction fans who don’t like this book can’t get past page 2.
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and/or 1984 by George Orwell- Great books, but I’m going to exclude dystopian societies from my BEST EVER SCIENCE FICTION list because the point of a dystopian book is almost purely political.
Starship Troopers by Robert Heinlein- A weird book where the classroom scenes are more exciting than the battle scenes. That’s not meant as an insult. Again, a cheesy movie doesn’t count against the book.
Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein- Too weird to be considered.
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury- More dystopian stuff.
The Martian Chronicles– Maybe it was just me, but I thought it was kind of boring.
The Mote in God’s Eye– by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle- Great book, but not really relevant right now (as in I don’t think anybody reads it anymore).
If you like science fiction but haven’t read these classics, pretty much all of these books are worth reading (except for H.G. Wells books because of the “classic” writing style)). If you don’t like science fiction, I, Robot is probably the one you should read. It’s Asimov with no aspirin necessary.
Some issues can get people worked up very quickly, so before reading on about this contentious issue, look at the picture of the ocean. Soothing water. Calming water. Great! Now I have to use the bathroom. Image via Wikipedia
So I guess that Doonesbury cartoonist got his strip banned from some comic sections this week for a joke about abortion. Well, let’s see if I can get myself banned from my own blog for a joke (kind of) about abortion.
*****
Two groups of protesters were yelling at each other in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.
“You don’t have the right to judge me!” an abortion-rights (or pro-choice) activist shouted. “If you’ve never been in my position, you can’t judge me.”
“I can judge you!” an anti-abortion (or pro-life) protester yelled back. “I had an abortion once, and I’ve regretted it every second since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had two abortions, and I know that I made the right decision about both of them.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had three abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had four abortions, and I know each one was the right decision.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had five abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
The crowd stopped, shocked into silence.
“Wait a minute,” one of the pro-choice activists shouted. “You couldn’t have had five abortions. You’re a man.”
“I know,” the pro-life protesting guy admitted, slapping his forehead in frustration. “I get so caught up when I’m arguing that I always say something stupid.”
Salt? Or sugar? On April Fools' Day, you never know for sure unless you try it. Image via Wikipedia
It was April Fools’ Day morning, and word spread throughout the college frat house that the fraternity intellectual was throwing up all over the place and that he might be contagious. The frat boys were readying their April Fools’ Day pranks, but quickly decided it would be best to leave the intellectual alone while he was sick.
The April Fools’ Day jokes continued for everybody else. Somebody put itching powder in the frat president’s toilet paper. The frat smooth talker (with the ladies) got KY jelly in his saline solution. The frat hunk got set up with a hot babe who turned out to be a dude (and there was great frat boy hilarity when the hunk discovered this). Everybody in the house fell victim to an April Fools’ Day prank, everybody except the frat intellectual.
It was very late that night when the hunk and the smooth talker confronted the intellectual in his bedroom. The intellectual was working on an intellectual project with another intellectual (one who didn’t live in the frat house).
“Feeling better, are you?” the smooth talker asked suspiciously.
“Whatever do you mean?” the intellectual responded.
“It’s convenient that you’re feeling better, now that April Fools’ Day is over,” the hunk said. “You’re the only guy in the house that didn’t get pranked.”
“It seems that is the case,” the intellectual said.
“I know what you did,” the hunk continued. “You just pretended to be sick so that the rest of us would leave you alone.”
“That is an interesting theory,” the intellectual said slowly.
“Well played,” the smooth talker exclaimed. “You pulled the ultimate April Fools’ Day prank. You’re like super-ninja kung-fu April Fools’ Day Zen master, using passive defensive prank tactics so that we would leave you alone and you wouldn’t have to retaliate against us. I bow down to your awesomeness.”
Even the hunk agreed that the intellectual was brilliant, and both bowed to the intellectual before leaving his room.
“They’re right,” the visiting intellectual said. “That was a genius strategy to avoid April Fools’ Day conflict.”
“As long as they think that,” the intellectual replied, shaking his head. “I actually threw up this morning because somebody replaced the sugar on my cereal with salt.”
Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this starlet, pretend you don’t recognize her. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia
You have to be careful when telling a porn joke. Pornography is a sensitive issue (no pun intended, really!), so you have to be precise in subject matter and language. A person doesn’t have to watch pornography to know that porn is funny. Porn mustaches are goofy, and the actresses are fake (in numerous ways). The following jokes might not be the funniest porn jokes ever, but since the purest of souls can laugh at them without feeling guilty (I think), these are some of the BEST PORN JOKES EVER!
*****
FIFTY SHADES OF PORN
A woman walked into the bedroom and caught her husband watching an adult movie (he was just “watching,” so you don’t have to imagine anything unseemly).
“I told you not to watch that in here,” the wife said, disgusted.
“I was just flipping channels,” the husband replied. He was feeling defensive and was going through his list of excuses when he noticed the book that his wife was holding.
“You’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey,” the husband said. “What’s the difference between that and this video?”
“It’s literature,” the wife said. “It’s a book, so it’s automatically better.”
“Let’s see,” the husband said and read the novel for a few minutes. “The dialogue is cheesy. The plot is contrived. And the adult encounters in this book are more unrealistic than what I was watching. Really, there’s not much difference between my adult video and your book.”
“Oh yeah?” the wife said, turning to watch the video (the husband hadn’t bothered to turn it off).
After a few minutes she paused the video and said, “The music is cheesy. You can hear the director giving instructions to the actress. The video keeps changing angles too quickly. The close ups are of things I don’t want to see close up. And the lighting is really poor.”
The husband bit his lip, perplexed. Then he turned the video back on and stared at it for a moment.
“Wow,” he said. ‘I didn’t even know this video had music.”
*****
Now back to more porn jokes!
FOUR GENERATIONS OF PORN
A guy was in a clothing store waiting for his girlfriend to finish trying on outfits when he decided to watch something on his iPad. As he sat down to watch his video, the scantily clad female on his iPad screen grunted and moaned loudly, getting the attention of everyone in the store.
Embarrassed, the guy muted the video and continued to watch. An older gentleman sat down next to the guy and whispered, “You’re lucky. When I was your age, I couldn’t get porn on a computer device. I had to go to an adult video store to rent porn. Anybody driving down the street could see you, and that could be embarrassing.”
An even older gentleman sat down on the other side of the guy with the iPad. “You don’t know how lucky you are,” the second older gentleman said. “When I was your age, if I wanted to watch porn, I had to go to a dark, dirty movie theater and pray that nobody I knew saw me go in or come out.”
A really old gentleman sat down across from the three other men. This gentleman was so old that his voice trembled as he spoke. “When I was your age, we didn’t even have adult movie theaters so if I wanted to watch porn, I had to make a couple sock puppets and sew attachments to their…”
The guy with the iPad was so disgusted that he got up and left the three older gentlemen to discuss their various methods of watching porn.
When the guy’s girlfriend came out of the fitting room, she was upset.
“I heard that moaning on your iPad,” the girlfriend said. “I can’t believe you were watching pornography in public.”
“I wasn’t even watching porn,” the guy said, showing his girlfriend the iPad screen. “I was watching women’s tennis.”
*****
WHY DO MEN WATCH PORN?
A married couple with numerous issues to work on visited a counselor. After the initial politeness, the counselor got the wife to start talking.
“He spends too much time watching porn,” the wife said, referring to her husband (of course). “It makes me feel devalued. It’s like he’d rather watch those skanky women than be intimate with me.”
“I don’t mean to make you feel that way,” the husband said to his wife. “I watch porn because you’re not always available to me in an intimate way, and I don’t want to burden you with my advances every day when you’re only interested a couple times a week. I can quit if you really want me to.”
Then the husband added, “But if I quit watching porn, I want you to quit watching those reality shows with those trashy rich women and those trashy backstabbing housewives.”
“It’s not the same thing,” the wife said defensively. “Those shows are my guilty pleasures. I love you, but our life together is boring, and these women do exciting things, and I live vicariously through them.”
After much sharing and honest discussion, the wife stepped out for a moment. The counselor turned earnestly to the husband and said, “You and your wife learned a lot about each other today.”
“Yeah, I learned how much she really loves her reality shows,” the husband said. “And I learned when I can watch my porn without getting caught.”
*****
PORN STAR THREATENS TO GO ON STRIKE
A male porn star with a tacky fake double entendre name was discussing his profession with a female who was not involved in the industry. She was a platonic friend, kind of disturbed by what the porn guy did for a living, but intrigued enough to maintain (nonphysical) contact with him. She knew her porn star friend had been upset when production was shut down because another porn star had tested positive (which was bad), but now that the positive porn star had retested negative (which was good), filming was back on.
“The producers are talking about forcing us to wear condoms,” the male porn star said in disgust.
“Oh God,” the female said. “Please don’t complain about how wearing a condom affects your sensitivity.”
“You shouldn’t say ‘Oh God’ to me,” the porn star said, leering. “I don’t like condoms because they mess up my timing. And in my business, timing is everything.”
“Ick,” the female said.
“You know what rhymes with ‘ick’.” the porn star said, leering again. “If they force me to wear a condom, I might go on strike.”
The female laughed. “You’re not irreplaceable, you know. They can get any guy to do what you do.”
“Every guy might want to do what I do, but not every guy can do what I do the way I do it,” the porn star said, winking at the female friend. “And what I do is not something you can just CGI.”
“Why not?” the female friend asked. “CGI would make the industry safer, and nobody would have to worry about their timing. Why can’t you be replaced with computer-generated imagery?”
The porn star stared crestfallen for a moment, but then the weird smirk returned to his face. “They can’t replace us because CGI makes everybody look creepy.”
*****
PORN DIRECTOR’S NIGHTMARE
A porn actress had just finished her scene(s) for the day when the director called her over. After a short conversation, it was pretty clear that the director was expecting the actress to engage in some performance art with him but not in front of the cameras and for no pay. Since the actress did not perform for free, she declined, and the director threatened her, saying that she would never find another job in the business again (an empty threat, but still a threat).
“That’s sexual harassment,” the porn actress said. “And I don’t have to take it anymore.”
“Sexual harassment in porn is like crying in baseball,” the director said. “And there’s no crying in baseball.”
“I’m studying to become a lawyer,” the actress replied (she might not have been telling the truth). “And you have just created a work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile to me. If you continue, I will find a high profile lawyer, and I will own this studio by the time I’m finished with you.”
After much apologizing on the part of the director, the actress left with a lot of extra money for no extra work. The director shifted and sighed.
“A work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile?” the porn director thought. “If men weren’t uncomfortable or hostile around women, there wouldn’t be a need for porn.”
*****
Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this gentleman, pretend you don’t recognize him. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia
Normally, I’m not fond of kids, but even I have to admit that getting lost in a cave is pretty cool. Image via Wikipedia
I don’t like kids, and I really dislike teenagers. I despise hanging around them, and I don’t want to watch television shows about them, and I especially don’t want to read books about them. However, if you absolutely must read two books about American kids (ugh… American kids are the worst, except for maybe the British), then The Catcher in the Rye and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer are considered two essential novels of American youth.
*****
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Tom Sawyer has the white picket fence scene, the graveyard scene, the courtroom scene, and the cave. Most books have no memorable scenes; Tom Sawyer has at least four of them. This book doesn’t have any N-words (like Huckleberry Finn) to make it controversial, but it does have Injun Joe, a murderer with a name that probably wouldn’t make it past the editors in today’s publishing industry. If anything, Native Americans probably have a more legitimate gripe about The Adventures of Tom Sawyer than Afr… ugh, I’m not ready to get into that kind of argument yet.
My other complaint? There are way too many coincidences in this book. I don’t do synopsises (C’mon, I refuses to believe that “synopses” is the plural form of “synopsis”) because you can get those anywhere, but if you know anything about Tom Sawyer, you know that coincidences sometimes drive the plot. Normally, I’d go into hyper-critical mode over a book that overuses the coincidence as a plot device, but Tom Sawyer’s coolness overrides the coincidences.
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Yeah, this copy is bland as hell, but I think it’s the one I read years ago. Image via Wikipedia
Holden Caulfield is sometimes described as the first example of “disaffected youth” in modern literature. To me, “disaffected youth” simply means a kid who whines like hell.
I don’t know. A lot of readers think Holden Caulfield is cool (you, know, because he cusses like hell), but he comes across to me as a whiner. In fact, he might be the first (kind of) contemporary whiner in literature. If you’re tired of whiners, then you shouldn’t be able to stand Holden Caulfield because he’s one of the first pop culture figures to convince the American public that whining is cool.
The title itself The Catcher in the Rye is a stretch, the type of extended metaphor that makes me really annoyed at literary fiction. The author couldn’t title the book Holden Caulfield because that would have been unimaginative (like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer), but the concept of a catcher in the rye makes the book sound deeper than it really is. The Catcher in the Rye is a simple book about a screw-up, and Holden Caulfield really isn’t that deep as far as characters go.
It’s still a pretty good book. But it’s not as deep as people pretend, and Holden Caulfield whines like hell.
People who really like The Catcher in the Rye get mad as hell at me when I say this.
TOM SAWYER vs. HOLDEN CAULFIELD (spoilers alert!!!)
Tom Sawyer was way cooler. He would take his beatings and go on his merry way without calling CPS or threatening a lawsuit or checking himself into a hospital.
Holden Caulfield actually has it pretty good compared to a lot of kids, and he still whines like hell.
Tom Sawyer has a lot to whine about but doesn’t whine.
Holden Caulfield gets expelled from school in a way that only a screw-up could get expelled.
Tom Sawyer skips school and takes advantage of his punishment.
Holden Caulfield gets played for a chump several times in the book.
Tom Sawyer plays others for chumps several times in the book.
Holden Caulfield goes to a teacher’s house. Need I say more?
Tom Sawyer runs away from his home and watches his own funeral. He would never think of bugging his teacher at home.
Holden Caulfield dreams of protecting children (I think).
Tom Sawyer actually protects children.
Holden Caulfield witnesses lots of weird people and whines about it.
Tom Sawyer witnesses a murder and (eventually) does something about it.
Holden Caulfield gets beat up by a pimp.
Tom Sawyer gets away from Injun Joe.
Holden Caulfield hangs out with a prostitute and then in an act of chivalry… talks to her?
Tom Sawyer hangs out with Becky Thatcher and in an act of chivalry takes her punishment for her.
Holden Caulfield ends up in a mental(?) hospital.
Tom Sawyer becomes a detective.
Maybe I’m too old to determine who is cool and who is not cool. But if I had to pick either Tom Sawyer or Holden Caulfield to hang out with, I’d choose Tom Sawyer.
From this angle of this seemingly serene Irish pub, you can't see the trail of sideswiped cars in the surrounding neighborhoods. Image via Wikipedia
A homeowner lived in a house less than a block away from an Irish pub, and on most days of the year, that was okay. But the homeowner quickly learned not to park his car on the street on St. Patrick’s Day.
On his first St. Patrick’s Day at the house, the homeowner’s car was sideswiped by a patron of the Irish pub. The patron seemed unphased by the accident and was actually pleased that he had sideswiped the left side of the homeowner’s car rather than the right.
Annoyed, the homeowner decided that on the next St. Patrick’s Day he would park in his driveway, even though he liked the convenience of parking on the street. But on the next St. Patrick’s Day, a patron of the Irish pub smashed into the homeowner’s parked car from the side in the driveway, demolishing both cars.
“Bullseye,” the patron of the Irish pub mumbled, as he stumbled out of the car.
The next year, the homeowner parked his car in his garage on St. Patrick’s Day, but that didn’t help because a patron of the Irish pub crashed into the garage and totaled both cars as well as the garage.
“I was trying to miss that parked car,” the patron of the Irish pub said, pointing to an empty street in front of him.
At this point, the homeowner was starting to think all these accidents might just be his own fault. So on the next St. Patrick’s Day, the homeowner drove his car about three or four blocks from his house, parked in an out-of-the-way alley, and walked home.
The next morning came peacefully enough. There had been no damage to his property or anybody else’s property in the neighborhood, and the homeowner whistled contentedly as he strolled to pick up his car. But when he turned into the alley, he saw his car totaled, mashed up by another car behind it, and a red-headed guy in a green shirt lay hungover on the side of the street.
“What happened?” the homeowner asked, extremely agitated. “You Irish pub drunks are always getting into accidents because of St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Hey, I got home just fine,” the Irish pub patron said, getting defensive. “But somebody else put his car in my parking spot.”
