Some issues can get people worked up very quickly, so before reading on about this contentious issue, look at the picture of the ocean. Soothing water. Calming water. Great! Now I have to use the bathroom. Image via Wikipedia
So I guess that Doonesbury cartoonist got his strip banned from some comic sections this week for a joke about abortion. Well, let’s see if I can get myself banned from my own blog for a joke (kind of) about abortion.
*****
Two groups of protesters were yelling at each other in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.
“You don’t have the right to judge me!” an abortion-rights (or pro-choice) activist shouted. “If you’ve never been in my position, you can’t judge me.”
“I can judge you!” an anti-abortion (or pro-life) protester yelled back. “I had an abortion once, and I’ve regretted it every second since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had two abortions, and I know that I made the right decision about both of them.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had three abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had four abortions, and I know each one was the right decision.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had five abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
The crowd stopped, shocked into silence.
“Wait a minute,” one of the pro-choice activists shouted. “You couldn’t have had five abortions. You’re a man.”
“I know,” the pro-life protesting guy admitted, slapping his forehead in frustration. “I get so caught up when I’m arguing that I always say something stupid.”
Salt? Or sugar? On April Fools' Day, you never know for sure unless you try it. Image via Wikipedia
It was April Fools’ Day morning, and word spread throughout the college frat house that the fraternity intellectual was throwing up all over the place and that he might be contagious. The frat boys were readying their April Fools’ Day pranks, but quickly decided it would be best to leave the intellectual alone while he was sick.
The April Fools’ Day jokes continued for everybody else. Somebody put itching powder in the frat president’s toilet paper. The frat smooth talker (with the ladies) got KY jelly in his saline solution. The frat hunk got set up with a hot babe who turned out to be a dude (and there was great frat boy hilarity when the hunk discovered this). Everybody in the house fell victim to an April Fools’ Day prank, everybody except the frat intellectual.
It was very late that night when the hunk and the smooth talker confronted the intellectual in his bedroom. The intellectual was working on an intellectual project with another intellectual (one who didn’t live in the frat house).
“Feeling better, are you?” the smooth talker asked suspiciously.
“Whatever do you mean?” the intellectual responded.
“It’s convenient that you’re feeling better, now that April Fools’ Day is over,” the hunk said. “You’re the only guy in the house that didn’t get pranked.”
“It seems that is the case,” the intellectual said.
“I know what you did,” the hunk continued. “You just pretended to be sick so that the rest of us would leave you alone.”
“That is an interesting theory,” the intellectual said slowly.
“Well played,” the smooth talker exclaimed. “You pulled the ultimate April Fools’ Day prank. You’re like super-ninja kung-fu April Fools’ Day Zen master, using passive defensive prank tactics so that we would leave you alone and you wouldn’t have to retaliate against us. I bow down to your awesomeness.”
Even the hunk agreed that the intellectual was brilliant, and both bowed to the intellectual before leaving his room.
“They’re right,” the visiting intellectual said. “That was a genius strategy to avoid April Fools’ Day conflict.”
“As long as they think that,” the intellectual replied, shaking his head. “I actually threw up this morning because somebody replaced the sugar on my cereal with salt.”
Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this starlet, pretend you don’t recognize her. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia
You have to be careful when telling a porn joke. Pornography is a sensitive issue (no pun intended, really!), so you have to be precise in subject matter and language. A person doesn’t have to watch pornography to know that porn is funny. Porn mustaches are goofy, and the actresses are fake (in numerous ways). The following jokes might not be the funniest porn jokes ever, but since the purest of souls can laugh at them without feeling guilty (I think), these are some of the BEST PORN JOKES EVER!
*****
FIFTY SHADES OF PORN
A woman walked into the bedroom and caught her husband watching an adult movie (he was just “watching,” so you don’t have to imagine anything unseemly).
“I told you not to watch that in here,” the wife said, disgusted.
“I was just flipping channels,” the husband replied. He was feeling defensive and was going through his list of excuses when he noticed the book that his wife was holding.
“You’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey,” the husband said. “What’s the difference between that and this video?”
“It’s literature,” the wife said. “It’s a book, so it’s automatically better.”
“Let’s see,” the husband said and read the novel for a few minutes. “The dialogue is cheesy. The plot is contrived. And the adult encounters in this book are more unrealistic than what I was watching. Really, there’s not much difference between my adult video and your book.”
“Oh yeah?” the wife said, turning to watch the video (the husband hadn’t bothered to turn it off).
After a few minutes she paused the video and said, “The music is cheesy. You can hear the director giving instructions to the actress. The video keeps changing angles too quickly. The close ups are of things I don’t want to see close up. And the lighting is really poor.”
The husband bit his lip, perplexed. Then he turned the video back on and stared at it for a moment.
“Wow,” he said. ‘I didn’t even know this video had music.”
*****
Now back to more porn jokes!
FOUR GENERATIONS OF PORN
A guy was in a clothing store waiting for his girlfriend to finish trying on outfits when he decided to watch something on his iPad. As he sat down to watch his video, the scantily clad female on his iPad screen grunted and moaned loudly, getting the attention of everyone in the store.
Embarrassed, the guy muted the video and continued to watch. An older gentleman sat down next to the guy and whispered, “You’re lucky. When I was your age, I couldn’t get porn on a computer device. I had to go to an adult video store to rent porn. Anybody driving down the street could see you, and that could be embarrassing.”
An even older gentleman sat down on the other side of the guy with the iPad. “You don’t know how lucky you are,” the second older gentleman said. “When I was your age, if I wanted to watch porn, I had to go to a dark, dirty movie theater and pray that nobody I knew saw me go in or come out.”
A really old gentleman sat down across from the three other men. This gentleman was so old that his voice trembled as he spoke. “When I was your age, we didn’t even have adult movie theaters so if I wanted to watch porn, I had to make a couple sock puppets and sew attachments to their…”
The guy with the iPad was so disgusted that he got up and left the three older gentlemen to discuss their various methods of watching porn.
When the guy’s girlfriend came out of the fitting room, she was upset.
“I heard that moaning on your iPad,” the girlfriend said. “I can’t believe you were watching pornography in public.”
“I wasn’t even watching porn,” the guy said, showing his girlfriend the iPad screen. “I was watching women’s tennis.”
*****
WHY DO MEN WATCH PORN?
A married couple with numerous issues to work on visited a counselor. After the initial politeness, the counselor got the wife to start talking.
“He spends too much time watching porn,” the wife said, referring to her husband (of course). “It makes me feel devalued. It’s like he’d rather watch those skanky women than be intimate with me.”
“I don’t mean to make you feel that way,” the husband said to his wife. “I watch porn because you’re not always available to me in an intimate way, and I don’t want to burden you with my advances every day when you’re only interested a couple times a week. I can quit if you really want me to.”
Then the husband added, “But if I quit watching porn, I want you to quit watching those reality shows with those trashy rich women and those trashy backstabbing housewives.”
“It’s not the same thing,” the wife said defensively. “Those shows are my guilty pleasures. I love you, but our life together is boring, and these women do exciting things, and I live vicariously through them.”
After much sharing and honest discussion, the wife stepped out for a moment. The counselor turned earnestly to the husband and said, “You and your wife learned a lot about each other today.”
“Yeah, I learned how much she really loves her reality shows,” the husband said. “And I learned when I can watch my porn without getting caught.”
*****
PORN STAR THREATENS TO GO ON STRIKE
A male porn star with a tacky fake double entendre name was discussing his profession with a female who was not involved in the industry. She was a platonic friend, kind of disturbed by what the porn guy did for a living, but intrigued enough to maintain (nonphysical) contact with him. She knew her porn star friend had been upset when production was shut down because another porn star had tested positive (which was bad), but now that the positive porn star had retested negative (which was good), filming was back on.
“The producers are talking about forcing us to wear condoms,” the male porn star said in disgust.
“Oh God,” the female said. “Please don’t complain about how wearing a condom affects your sensitivity.”
“You shouldn’t say ‘Oh God’ to me,” the porn star said, leering. “I don’t like condoms because they mess up my timing. And in my business, timing is everything.”
“Ick,” the female said.
“You know what rhymes with ‘ick’.” the porn star said, leering again. “If they force me to wear a condom, I might go on strike.”
The female laughed. “You’re not irreplaceable, you know. They can get any guy to do what you do.”
“Every guy might want to do what I do, but not every guy can do what I do the way I do it,” the porn star said, winking at the female friend. “And what I do is not something you can just CGI.”
“Why not?” the female friend asked. “CGI would make the industry safer, and nobody would have to worry about their timing. Why can’t you be replaced with computer-generated imagery?”
The porn star stared crestfallen for a moment, but then the weird smirk returned to his face. “They can’t replace us because CGI makes everybody look creepy.”
*****
PORN DIRECTOR’S NIGHTMARE
A porn actress had just finished her scene(s) for the day when the director called her over. After a short conversation, it was pretty clear that the director was expecting the actress to engage in some performance art with him but not in front of the cameras and for no pay. Since the actress did not perform for free, she declined, and the director threatened her, saying that she would never find another job in the business again (an empty threat, but still a threat).
“That’s sexual harassment,” the porn actress said. “And I don’t have to take it anymore.”
“Sexual harassment in porn is like crying in baseball,” the director said. “And there’s no crying in baseball.”
“I’m studying to become a lawyer,” the actress replied (she might not have been telling the truth). “And you have just created a work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile to me. If you continue, I will find a high profile lawyer, and I will own this studio by the time I’m finished with you.”
After much apologizing on the part of the director, the actress left with a lot of extra money for no extra work. The director shifted and sighed.
“A work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile?” the porn director thought. “If men weren’t uncomfortable or hostile around women, there wouldn’t be a need for porn.”
*****
Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this gentleman, pretend you don’t recognize him. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia
Normally, I’m not fond of kids, but even I have to admit that getting lost in a cave is pretty cool. Image via Wikipedia
I don’t like kids, and I really dislike teenagers. I despise hanging around them, and I don’t want to watch television shows about them, and I especially don’t want to read books about them. However, if you absolutely must read two books about American kids (ugh… American kids are the worst, except for maybe the British), then The Catcher in the Rye and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer are considered two essential novels of American youth.
*****
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Tom Sawyer has the white picket fence scene, the graveyard scene, the courtroom scene, and the cave. Most books have no memorable scenes; Tom Sawyer has at least four of them. This book doesn’t have any N-words (like Huckleberry Finn) to make it controversial, but it does have Injun Joe, a murderer with a name that probably wouldn’t make it past the editors in today’s publishing industry. If anything, Native Americans probably have a more legitimate gripe about The Adventures of Tom Sawyer than Afr… ugh, I’m not ready to get into that kind of argument yet.
My other complaint? There are way too many coincidences in this book. I don’t do synopsises (C’mon, I refuses to believe that “synopses” is the plural form of “synopsis”) because you can get those anywhere, but if you know anything about Tom Sawyer, you know that coincidences sometimes drive the plot. Normally, I’d go into hyper-critical mode over a book that overuses the coincidence as a plot device, but Tom Sawyer’s coolness overrides the coincidences.
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Yeah, this copy is bland as hell, but I think it’s the one I read years ago. Image via Wikipedia
Holden Caulfield is sometimes described as the first example of “disaffected youth” in modern literature. To me, “disaffected youth” simply means a kid who whines like hell.
I don’t know. A lot of readers think Holden Caulfield is cool (you, know, because he cusses like hell), but he comes across to me as a whiner. In fact, he might be the first (kind of) contemporary whiner in literature. If you’re tired of whiners, then you shouldn’t be able to stand Holden Caulfield because he’s one of the first pop culture figures to convince the American public that whining is cool.
The title itself The Catcher in the Rye is a stretch, the type of extended metaphor that makes me really annoyed at literary fiction. The author couldn’t title the book Holden Caulfield because that would have been unimaginative (like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer), but the concept of a catcher in the rye makes the book sound deeper than it really is. The Catcher in the Rye is a simple book about a screw-up, and Holden Caulfield really isn’t that deep as far as characters go.
It’s still a pretty good book. But it’s not as deep as people pretend, and Holden Caulfield whines like hell.
People who really like The Catcher in the Rye get mad as hell at me when I say this.
TOM SAWYER vs. HOLDEN CAULFIELD (spoilers alert!!!)
Tom Sawyer was way cooler. He would take his beatings and go on his merry way without calling CPS or threatening a lawsuit or checking himself into a hospital.
Holden Caulfield actually has it pretty good compared to a lot of kids, and he still whines like hell.
Tom Sawyer has a lot to whine about but doesn’t whine.
Holden Caulfield gets expelled from school in a way that only a screw-up could get expelled.
Tom Sawyer skips school and takes advantage of his punishment.
Holden Caulfield gets played for a chump several times in the book.
Tom Sawyer plays others for chumps several times in the book.
Holden Caulfield goes to a teacher’s house. Need I say more?
Tom Sawyer runs away from his home and watches his own funeral. He would never think of bugging his teacher at home.
Holden Caulfield dreams of protecting children (I think).
Tom Sawyer actually protects children.
Holden Caulfield witnesses lots of weird people and whines about it.
Tom Sawyer witnesses a murder and (eventually) does something about it.
Holden Caulfield gets beat up by a pimp.
Tom Sawyer gets away from Injun Joe.
Holden Caulfield hangs out with a prostitute and then in an act of chivalry… talks to her?
Tom Sawyer hangs out with Becky Thatcher and in an act of chivalry takes her punishment for her.
Holden Caulfield ends up in a mental(?) hospital.
Tom Sawyer becomes a detective.
Maybe I’m too old to determine who is cool and who is not cool. But if I had to pick either Tom Sawyer or Holden Caulfield to hang out with, I’d choose Tom Sawyer.
From this angle of this seemingly serene Irish pub, you can't see the trail of sideswiped cars in the surrounding neighborhoods. Image via Wikipedia
A homeowner lived in a house less than a block away from an Irish pub, and on most days of the year, that was okay. But the homeowner quickly learned not to park his car on the street on St. Patrick’s Day.
On his first St. Patrick’s Day at the house, the homeowner’s car was sideswiped by a patron of the Irish pub. The patron seemed unphased by the accident and was actually pleased that he had sideswiped the left side of the homeowner’s car rather than the right.
Annoyed, the homeowner decided that on the next St. Patrick’s Day he would park in his driveway, even though he liked the convenience of parking on the street. But on the next St. Patrick’s Day, a patron of the Irish pub smashed into the homeowner’s parked car from the side in the driveway, demolishing both cars.
“Bullseye,” the patron of the Irish pub mumbled, as he stumbled out of the car.
The next year, the homeowner parked his car in his garage on St. Patrick’s Day, but that didn’t help because a patron of the Irish pub crashed into the garage and totaled both cars as well as the garage.
“I was trying to miss that parked car,” the patron of the Irish pub said, pointing to an empty street in front of him.
At this point, the homeowner was starting to think all these accidents might just be his own fault. So on the next St. Patrick’s Day, the homeowner drove his car about three or four blocks from his house, parked in an out-of-the-way alley, and walked home.
The next morning came peacefully enough. There had been no damage to his property or anybody else’s property in the neighborhood, and the homeowner whistled contentedly as he strolled to pick up his car. But when he turned into the alley, he saw his car totaled, mashed up by another car behind it, and a red-headed guy in a green shirt lay hungover on the side of the street.
“What happened?” the homeowner asked, extremely agitated. “You Irish pub drunks are always getting into accidents because of St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Hey, I got home just fine,” the Irish pub patron said, getting defensive. “But somebody else put his car in my parking spot.”
One person might look at this crowd and say, “Freedom of expression is what makes the USA great!” Another person might look at the same crowd and say, “Aw man, something really bad is gonna happen there.” Image via Wikipedia
Protesters can be pretty annoying. They’re loud, their slogans are stupid, and they slow down traffic. Social injustice is bad, but I need to get to work. A BEST PROTESTER JOKE EVER!! is an anecdote that can make fun of the protester without impugning the cause. Whether it’s an Occupier defecating in public, or a Tea Partier screaming down a befuddled bureaucrat, protesters may have the right to voice their concerns loudly, but the non-protesting commoner also has the right to mock them for their crass behavior. The following stories might not be the funniest protester jokes ever, but since they can be appreciated by those of all political persuasions, these are some of the BEST PROTESTER JOKES EVER!!
HOT MODELS MAKE UNCOOL PROTESTERS!
A mastermind protest organizer was annoyed that protesters were getting a bad reputation. A recent string of nationwide rallies had led to a series of crimes, property destruction, and (justified) arrests. So much lawlessness had gone on that the whole point of the protests had been lost.
To put a new face on protesting, the mastermind hired three gorgeous models and instructed them to protest against social injustice (a specific kind of his choice). The general public likes attractive women, and sex sells, the mastermind thought, so he figured these three women could help the image of the common protester.
At first, things seemed to go well enough. The models dressed in skimpy enough outfits to get attention. News organizations sent camera crews. The hot models talked about social injustice, and crowds gathered to support them.
But once the crowds got too large, the police showed up to disperse them, and the hot models went crazy. One hot model got into a fight with police. Another hot model started crying and began cutting tiny lines into her arms with a sharp object. Another hot model took off all her clothes and made obscene gestures to the cameras. Consequently, all three hot models got arrested.
The mastermind was furious. The models had made a mockery of his protest, even worse than the homeless and the criminals had previously done. He stormed to the police station to bail them out because they were gorgeous yell at them.
“What were you thinking?” he screamed. “You were supposed to display a positive image to the public!”
“We talked about social injustice, but nothing changed,” one gorgeous model explained.
“So?” the mastermind exclaimed. “That’s no reason to go crazy, start fights, and mutilate yourselves.”
Another model said, “But that’s how we act when we don’t get our way.”
*****
THE ONE GOOD REASON TO FORGIVE STUDENT LOANS
A young college graduate returned home for a holiday family reunion. He hadn’t been able to find a job since graduating, and he’d spent time protesting at several Occupy rallies. Being unemployed, he had lots of time to occupy.
“I demand that the government forgive all student loans,” the college graduate protester announced at the dinner table, eliciting several groans from family members who were hoping for a peaceful holiday feast.
“Oh yeah?” the graduate’s dad responded angrily, eliciting even more groans (now that a peaceful dinner was out of the question).
“When I was your age,” the protester’s dad continued. “I worked three jobs while I was in college so that I wouldn’t need to take out a stinking loan. I paid for my cars in cash so that I wouldn’t have to take out a loan. I’ve paid for our house, without ever asking for my loan to be forgiven. I even paid for half your college expenses while you partied and chose a major that makes you unemployable. Now, give me one good reason why you think the government should forgive all your student loans.”
The protester smiled at his aggravated dad. “Because if the government doesn’t forgive all my loans, I’ll have to move back in with you.”
*****
AN OCCUPY WALL STREET JOKE
The Occupy Wall Street rallies had lots of weird stuff going on, but one of the craziest events involved a protester having a bowel movement on a police car. The police officers didn’t appreciate this form of political speech, so they engaged in their own version of free expression with a combination of tasers, pepper spray, and a good old fashioned beating.
Once everybody had worked through their issues, the police officer asked the defecating demonstrator, “Why are you causing all this trouble, and why did you take a dump on my car?”
“Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” the pooping protestor chanted. “Wall Street greed has made jobs hard to find.”
“Then start your own business,” the police officer suggested.
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” the demonstrator said. “I just opened a car wash down the street, and I’m trying to get more customers.”
Most guys would probably let her cut in a grocery store line, but a gas line is a different kind of beast. Image via Wikipedia
The price of fuel was skyrocketing again, and a guy was sitting in his car at a gas station with his hot girlfriend. This gas station had the lowest prices in town, and hot girlfriends can get expensive (in a legal way), so the guy had to save money where he could. Since there were about ten cars in front of them, the couple was starting to get impatient.
“You hide,” said the hot girlfriend. “I bet I can get some lonely guy to let me cut in line if they don’t see you with me.”
Knowing that his hot girlfriend could be persuasive, the guy agreed. The hot girlfriend got out of the car, spotted a lonely guy a few cars up, and sauntered over to him.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said to the lonely guy, batting her eye lids. “I’m in a hurry. Would you mind letting me cut in line?”
“Get lost, bimbo!” the lonely guy said. “This is a gas line!”
Undaunted, the hot girlfriend spotted another guy a few cars farther up the line.
“If it was just me, I’d let you through,” the second lonely guy said after hearing the hot girlfriend’s request. “But there are a dozen cars behind me, and they’d kill me if I let you cut.”
The hot girlfriend was starting to lose her confidence. She couldn’t recall ever being rejected by two lonely guys in a row. It was unprecedented. Still, she was hot and in a skimpy outfit, so she knew there was a lonely guy somewhere that would let her cut in line. Up near the very front, she saw a lonely guy sitting in his car. If she could get to him, she would be next in line.
“Are you kidding me?” the third lonely guy said. “I haven’t seen a gas line this long since Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter. You’re going to have to wait it out.”
Shaken, the hot girlfriend returned to her boyfriend. “I just realized that I must be getting old,” the hot girlfriend said sadly.
“Don’t be hard on yourself,” the guy said. “Gas lines are notoriously merciless. Nobody was going to let anybody cut.”
“That’s not it,” the hot girlfriend said. “Some guy made a Jimmy Carter reference, and I actually knew what he was talking about.”
As cool as this is, Disney might find a way to ruin it. Image via Wikipedia
A guy was meeting his friend at the movie theater when he saw his buddy dressed in a green costume with four arms (two were paper mache) and a green mask with large pointy teeth in an under bite. Other people going to the movie stood back to give his friend in the green costume some space.
“What the heck are you supposed to be?” the guy asked his buddy.
“I am Tars Tarkas, Jeddak of the Tharks!” his buddy proudly announced. “I have waited all my life for a John Carter of Mars movie, and after all these years, my wishes have been fulfilled.”
“You can’t dress up for John Carter,” the guy said. “It isn’t cool.”
“It was cool for Harry Potter. It was cool for Star Wars,” his buddy pointed out.
“No, it wasn’t cool,” the guy replied. “I just put up with it because those movies actually meant something when they came out. Nobody cares about John Carter.”
The buddy looked dejected, even with the Tars Tarkus mask on, and the guy felt sorry for his buddy. “Look, next time, just warn me ahead of time so that I can get a costume too.”
“Yes!” his buddy said proudly. “You want to join me in my salute to Edgar Rice Burroughs!”
The guy shook his head. “No. When people see me with you, I don’t want them to recognize me.”
*****
WHY NOW?
I’m not writing this to bash Hollywood for its lack of fresh ideas. Anybody can do that. It’s just curious that a new Conan the Barbarian and a new John Carter of Mars movie would come out within a year of each other, when there hasn’t been any clamoring for these movies, even from the types of people who usually clamor for these kinds of movies.
Instead of mocking Hollywood (this time), it’s actually a worthwhile endeavor to compare/contrast Conan the Barbarian with John Carter of Mars just for the heck of it.
They’re both series written in the early 20th century. Both had cool Frank Frazetta covers when I was a kid (decades after these books and short stories were originally published). Both were pulpy science fiction/ fantasy in an era of pulpy science fiction/fantasy. Both authors, Edgar Rice Burroughs and Robert E. Howard, wrote a lot of stuff.
Egads, comparisons are kind of boring! Contrasts are far more interesting.
Conan the Barbarian (series) by Robert E. Howard
No, this isn’t a Frank Frazetta cover, but it’s still pretty awesome! Image via Wikipedia
There’s something about a Robert E. Howard Conan story that never gets old, the language so poetic and flowery that the reader almost forgets that Conan is hacking a tentacle off a monster sucking the guts out of some poor human victim. Every few years I reread the short story “Rogues in the House” (most Robert E. Howard Conan stories were pretty short) and discover something new. Just beware of Conan imitators, even the early ones who tried valiantly to complete Howard’s unfinished stories. Conan written by anyone other than Robert E. Howard is just another barbarian who happens to be named Conan.
And what is Conan without the Frank Frazetta covers, Conan protecting a near naked woman with body proportions that almost require surgery? As a teenager, I gazed at the Frank Frazetta women, dreaming of the benefits of being a barbarian in the Hyborian Age, but then in my twenties (I was a slow learner) I realized that I’m the guy who would get killed by the monster or get killed by Conan or get killed by the other guys trying to kill Conan who would later get killed by Conan.
Frank Frazetta covers are so awesome that downloading Conan on an e-reader without the Frank Frazetta covers is almost like subscribing to Playboy without the pictures on your electronic device, except for one very important difference: the writing in Conan stories is actually really good!!!
*****
John Carter of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The problem with John Carter is that these novels are very formulaic, so much so that if you’ve read one, you’ve pretty much read them all. There is a lot of being captured, then rescued, then captured, then escaping, then captured, and escaping before being rescued.
Edgar Rice Burroughs is better known as the creator of Tarzan, but he wrote a bunch of pulpy science fiction/ fantasy in the early 1900s, including John Carter and the Pellucidar series.
BIAS ALERT!!
I am way more passionate about Conan the Barbarian than I am about John Carter of Mars. There’s a reason why a bunch of authors (other than Robert E. Howard) have tried to write Conan the Barbarian books. There’s a reason why there’s a second generation Conan movie that was released last year. There’s a reason why the Conan stories keep being reinterpreted in comic book/ graphic novel form.
No other authors have tried to retell John Carter stories (though there have been numerous comic book versions). No offense to John Carter, but that ought to tell you something.
Robert E. Howard’s Conan is awesome! John Carter by Edgar Rice Burroughs is okay.
SINCE THERE AREN’T THAT MANY CONAN BOOKS (OR SHORT STORIES) WRITTEN BY ROBERT E. HOWARD…
If you absolutely must have a Conan fix and have reread all the Howard stuff, here’s my advice. Skip the non-Howard Conan books and read the Kane series by Karl Edward Wagner. It’s not Conan, but the tone and writing style are very similar. Bloodstone is a great fantasy novel, and Night Winds is a great collection of short stories.
And all this stuff beats most of the modern science fiction/ fantasy that’s popular right now… but that’s for another article.
Yeah, this picture needs a beach, some beer, and some gawking guys, but a bunch of women in bikinis is a great start for a Spring Break Joke! Image via Wikipedia
An average Spring Break joke has to have several elements that make Spring Break awesome: the beach, beer, hot women in bikinis, and guys trying to have a bunch of one-night-stands. If the joke also has a decent punch line, then it might just be a BEST SPRING BREAK JOKE EVER!!
*****
Three midwestern college guys (a hunk, a smooth talker, and an intellectual) traveled to a beach during Spring Break. The hunk and the smooth talker were going for obvious reasons (beer, women in bikinis, and drunk women in bikinis), but they couldn’t figure out why the intellectual was going.
“I’m going on Spring Break to have a few and to get some,” the hunk said. “Why are you going?”
“I’m studying the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the intellectual said.
“Good for you,” the smooth talker said. Both the hunk and the smooth talker were a bit uncomfortable around the intellectual, but he was quiet and paid more than his fair share, so he was welcomed on the trip.
When they got to the hotel room, the hunk and the smooth talker worked out sleeping (with women) arrangements so that they had a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with each other. Since the intellectual wasn’t going to bring back any women, his sleeping (by himself) schedule would be flexible.
Later that day, both the hunk and the smooth talker returned to the hotel room, each with a bikini clad partner, at the same time. Since this wasn’t supposed to happen, they began arguing about the arrangement.
“I get 7:00 to 9:00,” the hunk said.
“No, that’s your time tomorrow night,” the smooth talker replied (he was lying but figured he could smooth talk the hunk into believing him). They would have argued for a few more minutes, but one of the bikini-clad women spoke up.
“Can you two argue about this inside?” she asked. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
When they opened the hotel door, they were stunned to see the intellectual naked in bed with two really hot women (no longer wearing their bikinis). It was pretty obvious what had been going on, and both the hunk and the smooth talker were flabbergasted. Their female partners were already in the bathroom and didn’t care.
“But… but… but…,” the hunk said.
“You said you were here to study the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the smooth talker said.
“That’s why I’m an intellectual,” the intellectual said. “I can understand your euphemisms, but you don’t understand mine.”
Walt Disney: At the time he might have thought that nothing could be more annoying than a continuous loop of the song "It's a Small World After All," but he had never seen an episode of Ant Farm or Jessie. Image via Wikipedia
A family returned home from a hard day of work/school, and the two daughters immediately ran for the television.
“We want to watch Ant Farm! We want to watch Jessie!” the daughters chimed.
The parents cringed at the prospect of snotty Disney Channel kids, overproduced Disney Channel bubblegum music, and impossibly annoying laugh tracks.
“Before you watch your Disney Channel,” the father announced, “we’re going to watch an hour of Fox News!”
The daughters cried, wailed, and pounded their heads against the wall as a bunch of talking heads on the Fox News Channel argued with each other over trivial disagreements.
The mother shook her head and said to her husband, “You don’t even like Fox News.”
“True,” the father said. “But I want these kids to understand what I’m going through while they’re watching Disney.”
*****
We know they’re annoying. We know they can send a normally rational adult into a beserker rage. We know they can make a calm parent boil over into temporary insanity. I’m not talking about kids. I’m talking about the annoying teen shows they watch (like Ant Farm, Jessie, and iCarly).
Both Disney and Nick (Nickelodeon) seem to have a knack for hiring annoying… okay, I don’t even want to start whining about this. Other critics can do that. I’m here to show you documented (almost) scientific proof that these shows damage children’s brainpower.
THE FIRST DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY SCIENTIFIC STUDY
Before you start citing this study in your college dissertations or including this as a source in your books about childhood development, understand that I am not a trained scientist, and even I recognize there are flaws in this study. I only used one child. I didn’t run enough tests. I didn’t account for influences of gender, race, or socio-economic status. Besides that, I think I’m on the right track.
THE THEORY OR HYPOTHESIS (I always get the two confused):
Disney and Nick annoying teen shows (non-cartoons) make children who watch these shows stupid.
THE GUINEA PIG
One female child- a 3rd grader who shall remain nameless (don’t tell her that I used her as a guinea pig).
THE SITUATION
Over a 6-week period, the 3rd grader takes a spelling test on Friday. Each Thursday night that 3rd grader takes a practice test and must score 100 before she can watch television.
After watching one 30 minute show, the 3rd grader will retake the practice test. 3 retakes will be done after a cartoon (Spongebob, Phineas and Ferb, Fishhooks) and 3 retakes will be done after annoying teen shows (iCarly, Ant Farm, Jessie).
Prediction: 3rd grader will do much worse after annoying teen shows than after cartoons.
THE RESULTS
The 3rd grade student scored 100, 100, and 95 after cartoons. The 3rd grader scored 85 (after iCarly), 90 (after Ant Farm), and 100 (stunningly after Jessie, but that might be an outlier because she cried before doing the Jessie retake, which was fine because earlier I cried because I had to watch Jessie before the retake).
Maybe crying before a retest helps a 3rd grader to concentrate.
ANALYSIS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY RESULTS
Some pointy-headed types might want to perform further tests to verify the conclusion, but this is enough evidence for me.
These Disney Channel/Nick shows make kids stupid. Disney Channel and/or Nick might try to spin this and say that the 3rd grader still performed at a 91% average which wasn’t much lower than her 98% average after cartoons.
However, the 3rd grader made five spelling errors after annoying teen shows as opposed to only one error after cartoons, so that means she was 500% stupider after watching the annoying teen shows.
Parents, go ahead and try this. It’s a simple study, costs nothing, and the results… (wait for it)… might surprise you!
UPCOMING SCIENTIFIC STUDIES FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL LITERACY
Next month I’m going to publish my study on the relationship between Disney/Nick annoying teen shows and the frequency/intensity of headaches (and other possible ailments) in adults.
Dysfunctional Literacy 