(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The United States higher education system has some problems right now. The costs are high, students are taking out too many loans for too much money, and too many graduates can’t find jobs. On the bright side, the parties are awesome! Between the beer, the babes, and the breaks, college life is the source of much humor.
A BEST COLLEGE JOKE EVER! is one which everyone, even those who haven’t completed their higher education, can enjoy . The following anecdotes might not be the funniest college jokes ever, but since even those who want nothing to do with college can appreciate them, these are some of the BEST COLLEGE JOKES EVER!
*****
Initiation Night
It was pledge time, and a fraternity was choosing which freshmen to initiate into its brotherhood. Only four pledges had made it through the fraternity’s rigid selection process (being able to afford the dues), and as the fraternity president looked over his pledges, he thought of the joy this night would bring.
Tonight, as these unsuspecting young pledges would soon find out, was hazing night. The fraternity had special blindfolds, handcuffs, and various instruments of poking and prodding to insure that the pledges would be loyal to the fraternity. The fraternity members received no pleasure from conducting these rituals, the president reminded himself. It was merely a formality, of course.
As the selection process was winding down, the president asked each pledge, “What do you have to offer to this fraternity?”
The first pledge, an intellectual, said, “I have the highest GPA on campus, and all my future awards and academic accomplishments will bring great honor to this fraternity.”
The second pledge, a hunk, answered, “Women love me, so whenever there’s a party, you can just put me by the front door, and all the hot sorority babes on campus will be here.”
The third pledge, a smooth talker, said, “I’ve heard this fraternity has almost gotten kicked off campus a few times. You need a guy like me to calm the campus officials down when parties get crazy. I can talk my way out of anything.”
The fourth pledge said, “I don’t really have any special skills, but I’ll do anything you want so that I can be part of this fraternity.”
The fraternity president was pleased with all the answers, but the intellectual then said, “We want to join this fraternity, but we will not tolerate getting hazed. That ritual is archaic and childish, and if you try to haze any one of the pledges, then all of us will quit.”
This annoyed the fraternity president, but three of the four pledges were top notch, so he reluctantly agreed.
The next morning as the four pledges were waking up in their quarters, a bunch of fraternity brothers barged into the room and grabbed the fourth pledge.
“Please come with us,” the fraternity president said.
The intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker sat still in their beds as they heard the fourth pledge screaming in another room. His shrill pleas of “Noooooooo!” put all three of them on edge.
“I really want to be a part of this fraternity, but they agreed to no hazing,” the smooth talker said.
“If he’s going to be our fraternity brother, we have to help him out,” the hunk said, ready to bust some heads.
“If they get away with doing that to him, they’ll think they can do that to us too,” the intellectual said.
The intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker marched out of their quarters and ran into the fraternity president.
“You agreed to no hazing,” the hunk said, outraged and ready to fight. The pledge’s screams of “Nooooooo!” still echoed down the hallway.
“Wait!” the fraternity president said, backing away. “I promise you, there is no hazing going on.”
“We hear the screams,” the smooth talker asked. “If he’s not being hazed, then what are you doing?”
“We just found out that he can’t pay his fraternity dues,” the president explained.
“That doesn’t justify the physical abuse,” the intellectual said.
“If he can’t pay his dues, then he can’t join the fraternity,” the president said. “He just realized that next year he has to live in the dorms.”
*****
Spring Break!
Three college guys (a hunk, a smooth talker, and an intellectual) traveled to a beach during Spring Break. The hunk and the smooth talker were going for obvious reasons (beer, women in bikinis, and drunk women in bikinis), but they couldn’t figure out why the intellectual was going.
“I’m going on Spring Break to have a few and to get some,” the hunk said. “Why are you going?”
“I’m studying the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the intellectual said.
“Good for you,” the smooth talker said. Both the hunk and the smooth talker were a bit uncomfortable around the intellectual, but he was quiet and paid more than his fair share, so he was welcomed on the trip.
When they got to the hotel room, the hunk and the smooth talker worked out sleeping (with women) arrangements so that they had a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with each other. Since the intellectual wasn’t going to bring back any women, his sleeping (by himself) schedule would be flexible.
Later that day, both the hunk and the smooth talker returned to the hotel room, each with a bikini clad partner, at the same time. Since this wasn’t supposed to happen, they began arguing about the arrangement.
“I get 7:00 to 9:00,” the hunk said.
“No, that’s your time tomorrow night,” the smooth talker replied (he was lying but figured he could smooth talk the hunk into believing him). They would have argued for a few more minutes, but one of the bikini-clad women spoke up.
“Can you two argue about this inside?” she asked. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
When they opened the hotel door, they were stunned to see the intellectual naked in bed with two really hot women (no longer wearing their bikinis). It was pretty obvious what had been going on, and both the hunk and the smooth talker were flabbergasted. Their female partners were already in the bathroom and didn’t care.
“But… but… but…,” the hunk said.
“You said you were here to study the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the smooth talker said.
“That’s why I’m an intellectual,” the intellectual said. “I can understand your euphemisms, but you don’t understand mine.”
*****
Prank Day
It was the morning of Prank Day, and word spread throughout the college frat house that the fraternity intellectual was throwing up all over the place and that he might be contagious. The frat boys were readying their Prank Day tomfoolery, but quickly decided it would be best to leave the intellectual alone while he was sick.
The Prank Day jokes continued for everybody else. Somebody put itching powder in the frat president’s toilet paper. The frat smooth talker got KY jelly in his saline solution. The frat hunk got set up with a hot babe who turned out to be a dude (and there was great frat boy hilarity when the hunk discovered this). Everybody in the house fell victim to an Prank Day joke, everybody except the frat intellectual.
It was very late that night when the hunk and the smooth talker confronted the intellectual in his bedroom. The intellectual was working on an intellectual project with another intellectual (one who didn’t live in the frat house).
“Feeling better, are you?” the smooth talker asked suspiciously.
“Whatever do you mean?” the intellectual responded.
“It’s convenient that you’re feeling better, now that Prank Day is over,” the hunk said. “You’re the only guy in the house that didn’t get pranked.”
“It seems that is the case,” the intellectual said.
“I know what you did,” the hunk continued. “You just pretended to be sick so that the rest of us would leave you alone.”
“That is an interesting theory,” the intellectual said slowly.
“Well played,” the smooth talker exclaimed. “You pulled the ultimate Prank Day prank. You’re like super-ninja kung-fu Prank Day Zen master, using passive defensive prank tactics so that we would leave you alone and you wouldn’t have to retaliate against us. I bow down to your awesomeness.”
Even the hunk agreed that the intellectual was brilliant, and both bowed to the intellectual before leaving his room.
“They’re right,” the visiting intellectual said. “That was a genius strategy to avoid Prank Day conflict.”
“As long as they think that,” the intellectual replied, shaking his head. “I actually threw up this morning because somebody replaced the sugar on my cereal with salt.”
*****
WHICH POLITICAL PARTY SHOULD I JOIN?
This is more like a political joke, but it involves the intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker, and it takes place at the end of their academic days.
*****
A bunch of college guys were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity smooth talker made an announcement.
“I have decided what I am going to do after college,” the smooth talker declared. “I am going to become a politician.”
The other frat guys nodded, since the smooth talker had shown little aptitude for anything except an amazing ability to convince women to give him stuff for nothing in return (except momentary affection and empty promises).
“Now that I have chosen my career, I must choose my political party,” the smooth talker continued. “Should I become a republican or a democrat? I don’t even know the difference between the two.”
“There isn’t a difference,” said the fraternity hunk, who was a libertarian. “The only difference between republicans and democrats is that most republicans at least know that their candidates suck.”
“That is a shallow way of delineating the differences between republicans and democrats,” the frat intellectual said. “It depends on where you stand on a number of issues. What do you think about the economy, the deficit, the national debt, health care, gas prices, national defense, and the environment?”
“Babes,” the smooth talker said. “Which party has more babes?”
“Women tend to vote democrat a bit more than they do republican,” the intellectual responded. “But that’s not a valid reason to…”
“Then a democrat I shall be!” the smooth talker proclaimed, cutting off the intellectual. “I shall represent women, and minorities, and the poor in their struggles against the oppressors in this country.”
“But you are the oppressor,” the hunk said, puzzled. “You treat women like dirt in your personal life. You voted the poor students out of this fraternity because they couldn’t pay their dues. You tell the vilest racist jokes I’ve ever heard. And you say you want to help these people?”
“I am a politician,” the smooth talker said with a wink. “Just because I say I want to help women, minorities, and the poor doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them.”
And with that, the smooth talker stepped out of the frat house to begin his political career.
The hunk was furious, but the intellectual couldn’t figure out why.
“You always thought the smooth talker’s antics were funny when he got women to pay his way for everything,” the intellectual said. “What has changed?”
“I just got hired by a huge corporation,” the hunk explained. “Now that he’s a politician, it’s guys like me that will have to pay his way for everything.”
A beautiful sunrise (somebody else took the picture), but I missed it because I stayed up too late the previous night reading and writing. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The idea behind this experiment was pretty simple. I was going on vacation. There were no books that I had a burning desire to read. Maintaining my blog was going to be inconvenient (but possible) and would have annoyed my wife (not a good idea). So I simplified things. During my week-long vacation, I decided that I would not read or write.
Because of this simple decision, three good things happened during my vacation.
1. I went to bed earlier.
This might sound trivial, but it’s very important. Getting to bed earlier (because I wasn’t reading after bedtime) meant I woke up earlier, more refreshed and less grumpy. I saw sunrises that I otherwise would have missed. I ate breakfast before my family got up (I eat way more than anyone else in my family, and sometimes they get mad when they have to wait for me to finish).
I had time to analyze various routes (reading a map isn’t really reading) before we left the hotel every morning. We got to the amusement park before it opened and avoided a lot of the lines (until the afternoon crowd got there). We got to the mountain roads before they got clogged. We got to the beaches before they became overcrowded. And no traffic (until we left in the evenings) meant much less bickering in the car.
2. I was nicer to my children.
I’m usually fairly pleasant to/around my kids, but something happens to me when I’m deep in concentration (whether it’s reading or writing). If I get interrupted, my response is sometimes rude. My kids get their feelings hurt, and I have to apologize. My wife also gets mad, and sometimes apologizing isn’t enough. I try to warn them to not interrupt me if I’m reading or writing unless it’s really important, but to kids, everything is really important, and to my wife, nothing should be more important than her, so I have bad moments every once in a while.
Last week when I didn’t read or write, I didn’t have bad moments. I was never getting interrupted because I was never deep in concentration (except when I was driving). I didn’t snap at their requests because I really wasn’t doing anything else. I was in a good mood (except for a couple afternoon traffic jams).
My only bad moment wasn’t really my fault. My daughter was goofing around in the hotel room and accidentally kung fued me in the groin. The only good thing about getting kung fued in the groin is that I couldn’t immediately respond (and it’s the immediate responses that hurt my children’s feelings). I had time to think things through.
3. I didn’t get into stupid arguments with my wife.
My wife watches tv while I read. This should be a peaceful arrangement (I can tune out the television most of the time), but then she ruins it by talking to me during the commercials (it’s not wise for me to tune out my wife). The commercials rarely correspond with chapter/scene breaks in the books I’m reading, and I occasionally snap at her with something like ‘I don’t interrupt your show just because I finish a chapter!” and then we argue about stupid stuff until her show starts up again, and we stop arguing. I have my faults, but I know not to argue with my wife my wife during a reality show.
With nothing to read at night, I watched television in the hotel room with my wife and learned a lot about what not to wear (I’d better update my wardrobe or I might be embarrassed on cable) and that home remodelers almost always choose to “list it.” It was a remarkably peaceful hotel room for only one television. But this arrangement never would have worked during football season.
*****
Last week reinforced my belief that reading and writing are not addictions. I enjoy reading and writing, but I can stop whenever I want. It’s not like drinking or smoking or playing video games (or watching porn) where the urge is constant and sometimes overwhelming for some people. I didn’t miss the reading or writing (or smoking or drinking or watching…).
Now that we’ve returned home, and we’re back to our routines, I have begun reading and writing again. But now I’m going to be more careful about snapping at my family when they interrupt me. After all, my kids are at an age when they actually like being around me (despite my faults), and that phase isn’t going to last much longer. Plus, my daughter has learned the power of the “accidental” kung fu kick, and she’s not afraid to use it.
This might make something not funny. Yes, I know I should leave the mimes alone. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The problem with humor is that so much of it is subjective. I laugh at the television show The Big Bang Theory, and my wife stares impassively (then complains about the annoying laugh track, and she’s probably right). My wife laughs at all the Real Housewives shows, and I stare impassively (praying that my wife never becomes like them).
Both my wife and I laugh at videos where guys get hit in the nuts. That kind of humor is universal.
When I travel or go on vacation, I like to read humorous books. When I’m in the airport or on a plane, I still have the urge to read but I can’t concentrate much, so I need something that isn’t challenging. Two years ago, I read Sh*t My Dad Says and last summer I read Bossypants. I’m not sure what I’m going to read on my next upcoming vacation, so I’ve been perusing samples on my e-reader.
*****
Writing a humorous book is probably difficult because the author has to make hundreds of pages funny. Some comedians have a tough time making five minutes funny. And a writer of humor has to write more material for a book than a comedian does for a routine.
If a comedian has a routine that goes on for an hour, he/she probably has to come up with about 10- 20 pages of stuff (estimate with no empirical data to back that up). Talking takes longer than reading silently (unless you have to mouth the words as you read). Then a comedian has to pause for laughter (if he’s any good). The comedian needs bonus material for (planned) spontaneity, such as asking a bunch of audience members where they’re from.
That doesn’t mean it’s easier to be a comedian. A comedian has to be comfortable on stage (I’d probably dry heave, which would be more entertaining than the rest of my act, but I would be uncomfortable doing that in front of people). A comedian has to interact with the audience (I avoid interacting with people when I can). A comedian has to deliver his/her lines in an entertaining way (I have a monotone voice). So while writing lots and lots of (attempted) humor can be time consuming, being an actual comedian is far more difficult than writing (attempts at) humor.
*****
As I mentioned earlier, I need a humor book for my upcoming vacation, and below is a group of possible choices. I don’t want to be critical of the books I’ve sampled because I probably analyzed them too much. Since I didn’t laugh much (because I was analyzing rather than reading for enjoyment), I realized that analyzing humor takes all of the funny out of humor books.
*****
I Hate Everyone, Starting with Me by Joan Rivers- I can hear Joan River’s voice in my head when I read this silently. I don’t think I want to hear Joan River’s voice in my head when the (legal) pills start to kick in on the airplane.
Hilarity Ensues by Tucker Max- Some critics would say the title is not accurate. I started reading this and then realized that this is the third book in a trilogy. A trilogy? I didn’t know getting-drunk-humor books came in trilogies. There have been fantasy trilogies, vampire trilogies, even a bondage trilogy, and now there’s a getting-drunk-humor trilogy. Technically, I don’t think the Tucker Max trilogy is really a trilogy because in a real trilogy, if you started on the third book (like I did) you’re supposed to be confused, and I knew exactly what was going on.
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang and a bunch of other books by/about Chelsea Handler- A late night talk show host on a cable channel has written(?) five books in (I think) seven years. Five books is more than a trilogy. I don’t think Johnny Carson wrote five books (I don’t think he even wrote a trilogy), and he was a slightly more successful talk show host than Chelsea Handler. If Johnny Carson had written a trilogy, I would probably read it. Chelsea Handler seems like a younger Joan Rivers, and if I can’t have Joan’s voice in my head when I’m in an airplane, I don’t think I can handle Chelsea’s either.
Not Taco Bell Material by Adam Corolla- This might turn out to be a good book, but it starts out with Adam’s childhood. Despite what authors might think, childhood is usually the least interesting part of a person’s life (unless something traumatic happened). I did laugh at the hippie mom and her boyfriend with some weird science fiction like name that I can’t remember, so I might come back to this book.
Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (the Bloggess)- Jenny Lawson keeps saying how crazy she is and how much her writing needs editing. She also writes long, rambling sentences, and I have nothing against long, rambling sentences, but when I’m on an airplane and the (legal) pills have taken control of my senses, long, rambling sentences might confuse me. Plus, if a woman keeps telling me she is crazy, I stay away from her.
I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern- I already reviewed the title and the book sample a few weeks ago. It was okay.
*****
I haven’t decided which book (or trilogy) I’m going to read yet, but I’m leaning toward the Adam Corolla book. I laughed a couple times when I read the sample. I figure that if I laughed a couple times when I was analyzing the humor, then I might enjoy it even more once I don’t care if the book is funny or not.
When a nameless reader boycotts something, it doesn’t look like this. It looks like a guy at home on his couch watching television and reading at the same time. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
*****
Are e-readers turning book lovers into e-vil readers?
Ugh. I just punched myself in the face.
Authors Richard Russo and Stephen King have announced plans to make some of their new releases unavailable to online stores (like Amazon) or on e-readers.
Richard Russo (author of Empire Falls, which won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 2002) is releasing a new book Interventions, but he is not allowing his book to be purchased online or on e-readers. Stephen King is doing the same thing with his soon(?)-to-be-released Joyland.
This means that if you want to read Interventions or Joyland you may actually have to buy (or borrow) a real book at a bookstore or library and then turn real pages. Both authors say that they are going e-bookless with these releases because of their love for actual books.
Maybe an actual book with pages is morally (too strong a word) superior to an e-version, but part of me is annoyed that Russo and King (and maybe some publishing companies) would want to limit my choices in reading format. The e-reader has completely changed the way I read. I read more in bed, on the stationary bike, in grocery store lines, at traffic lights (I’m kidding!). I can plow through more books than I used to. I can read more book samples at my convenience without purchasing them (something authors, publishers, and stores might not like).
I like having the choice of book formats. When I’m sitting in an airport, I’d rather have my e-reader than a stack of books to keep me occupied. When I’m moving from house to house, grabbing a couple tablets is way easier than packing and unpacking (or paying somebody else to pack and unpack) a couple storage rooms full of books.
I love the e-reader. In fact, I love the e-reader more than I love any single author.
Russo also says he wants to help local bookstores, and that sounds noble, but I didn’t know there were any local bookstores anymore. I live in a major U.S. city, and our local booksellers are Barnes & Noble and… and… a few used bookstores. What I consider “local” bookstores are mostly gone. I think Russo is about five to ten years too late to save local bookstores. When Empire Falls won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction, maybe he should have banned his books from Borders and Barnes &Noble. I’m guessing (with no proof) that those chains killed off more local bookstores than e-readers and Amazon have.
If Russo and Stephen King want to limit my choices, that’s fine. I can limit my choices too. If an author doesn’t want his book available electronically, that’s his/her right, but I probably won’t buy that book. To be fair, I never would have bought Russo’s new book anyway, and I haven’t bought a Stephen King book in over 20 years, so they lose nothing by alienating (too strong a word) me.
*****
Empire Falls by Richard Russo (not quite a review)
Since I’ve made some comments about Richard Russo, I decided to read his Pulitzer Prize winning novel Empire Falls (I don’t need to read any more Stephen King books). The good news is that I am reading an actual book, not the e-version, so Richard Russo would be happy. The bad news is that I checked it out from the library, so Russo gets no money from me. The other bad news is that I’m traveling soon, and Empire Falls is kind of big (about 800 pages), so I’m leaving it at home while I take my e-readers (filled with books that I’ve paid for) with me, and none of them will have Empire Falls on them.
I’ll finish Empire Falls when I get back. It’s pretty good so far.
Why is it acceptable for a woman to read Fifty Shades of Grey in public but a man has to hide when he watches a video that covers the same… uh… theme? That’s an easy question to answer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
WARNING!! Whenever the words “porn” and ‘joke are put together (along with Fifty Shades of Grey), you know something bad is going to happen. Continue reading at your own risk.
*****
A woman walked into the bedroom and caught her husband watching an adult movie (he was just “watching,” so you don’t have to imagine anything unseemly).
“I told you not to watch that in here,” the wife said, disgusted.
“I was just flipping channels,” the husband replied. He was feeling defensive and was going through his list of excuses when he noticed the book that his wife was holding.
“You’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey,” the husband said. “What’s the difference between that and this video?”
“It’s literature,” the wife said. “It’s a book, so it’s automatically better.”
“Let’s see,” the husband said and read the novel for a few minutes. “The dialogue is cheesy. The plot is contrived. And the adult encounters in this book are more unrealistic than what I was watching. Really, there’s not much difference between my adult video and your book.”
“Oh yeah?” the wife said, turning to watch the video (the husband hadn’t bothered to turn it off).
After a few minutes she paused the video and said, “The music is cheesy. You can hear the director giving instructions to the actress. The video keeps changing angles too quickly. The close ups are of things I don’t want to see close up. And the lighting is really poor.”
The husband bit his lip, perplexed. Then he turned the video back on and stared at it for a moment.
“Wow,” he said. ‘I didn’t even know this video had music.”
Time is a goon, and a gimmick is a goldfish. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I get a little sensitive when it comes to gimmicks in writing.
When I was in college, I got yelled at by a writing instructor for using 2nd person present tense in a story (hey, it was a “quick write,” and he told us to experiment!!!). The rest of the students nodded their heads as he lectured me about how gimmicks like 2nd person AND present tense took away from any merit my story had.
When Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney came out a few months later with a lot of critical acclaim, I wanted to storm into the writing class with it and read dramatically to show them I had been (unintentionally) a trend setter (“trend” might be a bit strong), but it was a new semester, and all the students had different classes and we would never see each other again.
It was probably for the best. I didn’t like Bright Lights, Big City. All it did was prove that my writing instructor had been correct.
*****
A Visit from the Goon Squad triggered this memory because I just finished reading it, and it uses a lot of (what I think of as) gimmicks. Normally, if I begin a novel that relies on a gimmick, I get annoyed and toss it aside. However, A Visit from the Goon Squad is the most recent novel to win a Pulitzer Prize for fiction, so its use of literary gimmicks is worth looking at.
Gimmicks are pretty common in some critically acclaimed fiction. Ulysses had stream-of-consciousness multiplied by infinity. The Shipping News had choppy sentences and fragments. Slaughterhouse-Five had “So it goes.” Holden Caulfield whines like hell in The Catcher in the Rye (or says …”like hell” a lot). When I think of these novels (I’m sure there are others, but I’m typing furiously and am probably missing something obvious), that’s what I think about, the gimmicks. The novels might have been great even without the gimmicks, and the gimmicks aren’t necessarily bad, but the gimmicks are what I think about.
A Visit from the Goon Squad doesn’t use just one or two gimmicks. It uses a bunch:
1. Telling the story out of order.
2. Switching points of view (3rd to 1st to 3rd…)
3. Switching tenses (past to present to past…)
4. power point/ flow charts (don’t use an e-reader for this book)
5. lots of stream-of-consciousness
6. And the worst gimmick ever… 2nd person present tense!
That’s a lot of literary gimmicks for one book. There were so many literary gimmicks, I expected the author to resort to the 1st person present tense narration death scene. I was wrong. Instead, she used the 2nd person present tense narration death scene. I hate being wrong.
Having so many literary gimmicks in one novel makes it look (to me) like the author is trying too hard. My writing instructor might have declared that using all these gimmicks took away from any merits A Visit from the Goon Squad had as a story. But he probably would have shut up once he realized the novel won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
If I had been the author of A Visit from the Goon Squad and my editor had told me to choose two literary gimmicks (instead of six), I would have chosen the charts and the out of sequence storytelling (and kept everything in third person point of view, past tense). I don’t mind novels where the events are out of order. And I like power points. I just don’t care for the presenter who reads the power point word for word to the audience and then says, “Um, okay?” after each screen.
Years from now when I look back on A Visit from the Goon Squad, I think I’m going to remember the gimmicks more than the content.
*****
A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan (This is my original review before it got out of control.)
This is a very uneven novel. Chapter 8 “Selling The General” might be the best 20 pages I’ve read in a really long time. Then there’s a wretched 2nd person present tense chapter (“Out of Body”) that made me cringe (because I thought it was predictable with overdone stream-of-consciousness). If the literary gimmicks thing doesn’t bother you, then you’ll probably appreciate this novel.
I’m not wild about literary gimmicks (except for parentheses), but I still really liked several sections of this book.
I think Pulitzer Prize judges don’t mind the literary gimmicks.
*****
It’s weird how seemingly minor events can change a person. If I hadn’t been chewed out by my college writing instructor, I might not be so sensitive about literary gimmicks, and I might enjoy literary fiction more. But instead, he inadvertently turned me to the dark side, and my dysfunctional literacy (which had always been a part of me) grew stronger. If not for that writing instructor, I might have turned into the kind of person who could read Ulysses and take the time to savor each phrase and appreciate every observation that James Joyce made. Instead, I count days until football season begins.
*****
The above article “Attack of the Literary Gimmicks” was written by the author of the two fine ebooks below!!
Now only 99 cents each on the Amazon Kindle!
I can read and ride a bike at the same time (kind of), but doing so in this situation might not improve my health. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As a writer, I want to live as long as possible because the longer I live, the more opportunities I have to be successful (even if I weren’t a writer, I’d want to live a long time). It’s not like being an athlete, where if you haven’t made it by the time you’re 30, your options are kind of limited (coaching, broadcasting, selling insurance). Writers can hit it big at any time, so we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and give ourselves the greatest chance possible of being successful.
Unfortunately, some recent studies say e-readers and tablets can be bad for our health. At first I was skeptical (great, another study), but now I can understand the studies’ point.
People who read/write too much on their tablets look down a lot and get back/neck problems because of poor posture, and that can be bad for your health. People sit too much when they read/write on their tablets, and sitting down for too long is bad for your health. People who read/write on their tablets and walk at the same time trip over curbs, get hit by 18 wheelers, or get conked on the head by deviants, and all of those things are bad for your health.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. Using e-readers and tablets to read and write have actually helped me to improve my health.
Tablets have helped me to improve my posture because they’re light (even if I’m reading Atlas Shrugged, which I’m not) and I can hold them up face-level with one hand, which means I don’t have to look down all the time. I alternate hands/arms when I read, so an arm doesn’t get tired, and I can look up the entire time. Try that with a book. It might be possible with a paperback, but then I’d have to squint. I’m too old to squint. It’s the 21st century, I have the technology, and I don’t want to squint anymore. But I do want good posture.
That’s not me, but reading and biking like this has improved my health. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Also, I can use the stationary bike when I read/write on a tablet. I can pedal fast and read from a tablet at the same time. It’s one of the few times I can multitask effectively (the other is watching football and folding laundry at the same time). I can read and get my heart rate up (without having to read 50 Shades of Gray). Writing on a tablet is a little more difficult than reading. I have to slow down the pedaling a little bit when I write. If I were really biking, I’d call it coasting.
Unfortunately, this combination of cardio activity and reading/writing is limited to the stationary bike. I wouldn’t try this on a treadmill (because I might fall and break something, and I’m not talking about the tablet). I wouldn’t try this on a real bike (because an 18 wheeler might make me two-dimensional). I wouldn’t try this on an elliptical (I’d get motion sickness trying to follow the tablet with my eyes).
I consider myself pretty lucky. I like my stationary bike. I like reading/writing on my tablet. I’m lucky that I live in a time and a place where I can use my stationary bike and my tablet to … aaarrgh! I hate it when I can’t think of a good concluding sentence!
I don’t mind a woman with an orange tan, but I still cannot think of a good reason to read a Snooki book. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’ve had reader’s block for the last couple months, and it’s gotten bad. Choosing a book to read when I have reader’s block is difficult because nothing seems interesting. And when nothing seems interesting, I find myself choosing books to read for really bad reasons.
SHOCK VALUE
Gorilla Beach by Snookie
I’ve never watched Jersey Shore, but I know who Snooki is. I wanted to read a book written by Snooki , but I wanted it to be an unedited book. An unedited book written by Snooki would have been hilarious, with grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that could have provided hours of entertainment for a guy who has reader’s block.
It could have been educational too. An unedited book written by Snooki could have provided high school English teachers with a year’s worth of editing assignments. English teachers (who didn’t mind risking their jobs by distributing Snooki material) could have given their students unedited paragraphs written by Snooki and said: “There are 25 errors in this paragraph written by Snooki. Each error is worth 4 points. You have 10 minutes to edit this paragraph. Good luck.”
Student reaction: “Snooki only made 25 errors in a paragraph?”
I would have paid for that kind of Snooki book.
I don’t surprise people very often, so people would have been shocked if I had said that I’ve read Snooki’s book. I was kind of looking forward to seeing their facial expressions when I told them. But it is not to be. Unfortunately, Snooki’s book is really boring. It wasn’t even offensive (unless being boring is offensive). The shock value of saying that I’ve read Snooki’s book would not be worth the time required to actually read the book.
Maybe if I didn’t have reader’s block, I could have finished the Snooki book, but reading a book simply to shock friends is a bad reason to read a book.
THE NEGATIVE BOOK REVIEW
The Family Corleone by Ed Falco
As soon as I heard that a new Godfather book (not written by Mario Puzo) was coming out, I knew I needed to write a bad review of it. Nobody should write another Godfather book because it’s just not going to be the same, no matter how hard authors try. The Godfather Part III proved that the magic can’t be recaptured. So I borrowed a copy of The Family Corleone by Ed Falco from the library and read it, prepared to hate it. I thought it was a sure thing.
And it wasn’t that bad. I actually finished it (which is rare when I have reader’s block). I wouldn’t recommend it, but it was kind of entertaining, if you think of it as a book about mobsters who happened to be named Vito and Sonny and Luca Brasi. If you think of it as a prequel to The Godfather, you might not like it. Nothing can live up to The Godfather.
I could write a negative review, but my heart wouldn’t be in it (maybe because of my reader’s block). And reading a book just to write a negative review is a bad reason to read a book.
*****
Decades ago I had a self-inflicted case of reader’s block.
THE BOOK HAS LOTS OF PAGES
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
When I read The Three Musketeers in 7th grade, a bunch of kids were impressed by how big the novel was and were really impressed that I read the whole thing (and understood it). Then I started reading Shogun by James Clavell (right before the television mini-series came out), and even more students were impressed that I had read it. Then I pretended to read a James Michener book, and students were even more impressed.
Keep in mind, this was before people said “Size doesn’t matter.” Back then, size mattered. And I was proud that when it came to novels, I always carried the biggest novel in the school. But each book had to be bigger than the previous one, and soon I was running out of big books.
After Atlas Shrugged, I was kind of stuck. All I had bigger than Atlas Shrugged was a giant Bible, and carrying a giant Bible kind of defeated the purpose of carrying around the biggest book in the school. People weren’t impressed with a kid reading a giant Bible. I had put myself in a bind.
Fortunately, in high school, we students received a bunch of really huge text books that made carrying novels with me from class to class impractical. Every other 10th grader complained about the giant textbooks, but I was secretly relieved. I no longer felt the pressure of reading really long, overwritten books.
I like it when somebody else accidentally solves my problems for me. And I learned that reading a book because it’s really long is a bad reason to read a book.
THE BOOK IS SHORT
All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
I’m not saying war is good for anything, but a struggling male reader is probably going to read a short book about war, especially if there’s a movie about it too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Kids (and some adults) that struggle with reading have a permanent case of reader’s block, and I feel sorry for them. When I was in school (especially in junior high) and the English teachers let us pick our own novels, the struggling kids always looked lost. So they usually chose books that were short, and every real reader knows that’s a lousy reason to choose a book.
Teachers would always get mad when struggling students intentionally chose novels that were short. Part of me says that’s the teacher’s fault for giving students a choice. The other part of me blames the students for not trying that hard.
When I was in school, I managed to convince a few of my struggling friends to choose really long books instead of short ones. I whispered to them that since they weren’t going to read the short books anyway (they would just stare at the pages and pretend), they might as well choose books that the teacher wouldn’t yell at them about. A couple struggling friends even chose books I had already read so that I could tell them enough for them to lie to the teacher. After a while, I realized this was really bad advice.
Then I discovered All Quiet on the Western Front.
All Quiet on the Western Front was a good short war book that a couple of my struggling friends pretended to read. This book worked on several levels. It was a war book, and it’s a straight forward story that my friends could follow. They told me that they actually read it, and they might have (that’s a bonus!). Most importantly, the English teacher didn’t give them grief about choosing that book, and he believed that my struggling friends were reading it (or pretended to believe it).
Choosing a book because it is short is a bad reason to read a book, but if you’re going to do it anyway, at least choose a good short book.
TO IMPRESS A POTENTIAL LITERARY GIRLFRIEND
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
I had two literary girlfriends in college (not at the same time), and all I had to do was read books. That was a great deal! I didn’t have to spend a lot of money (that I didn’t have), and I didn’t have to pretend to be a charming guy (that I’m not). The challenge was reading the books that the literary girlfriend wanted me to read.
This scene is in a lot of King Arthur books, but I’m not sure it’s in The Mists of Avalon because I… didn’t get very far. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The first literary girlfriend gave me The Mists of Avalon to read (she knew that I had read Le Morte D’Arthur and The Once and Future King, so at least she was thinking about my interests). While I was reading The Mists of Avalon, I commented to her that it felt like a girl’s book. She said she was “disappointed” in my reaction, and the relationship soon faltered. If a woman says she is “disappointed” too early in the relationship, it isn’t going anywhere.
But I learned. My second literary girlfriend gave me Interview with the Vampire (if you’re tired of the sensual vampire craze, blame Anne Rice). This time I called it a woman’s book instead of a girl’s book, and she discussed it with me rather than being disappointed. This relationship might have gone a lot further, but she couldn’t understand my obsession with football. Football is non-negotiable with me, so that relationship didn’t last long either. I had already given up watching professional wrestling for her, but that wasn’t enough.
I eventually found a literary girlfriend who liked football, and we got married, and we’re still married. But she never offered me any books to read, and I never asked for suggestions.
*****
I’m confident that I shall overcome my case of reader’s block. I am currently reading A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan simply because it won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction. I’ll know in a few days if reading a novel simply because it won a Pulitzer Prize is a bad reason for choosing a book.
If you call a writer a hack, this is the response you might get. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Is it just me, or has Stephen King become a hack?” I asked a bunch of my peers in a writer’s group a few years ago.
I’m often surprised at what makes people snap. I had figured that if I stayed away from politics and religion in my group’s post-writing-critique discussion, that we would be safe from any potential group-splitting controversy.
I was expecting an even-handed response (you know, because we writers have such stable personalities).
Instead, another writer snapped at me, saying, “Stephen King has forgotten more about writing than you’ll ever know.”
That was true, and it was kind of my point. Yes, Stephen King had indeed forgotten a lot about writing, and he was demonstrating that in his recent novels.
When I had started that discussion moments earlier, I was just asking the question, but once another writer (one whom I hadn’t liked anyway) disagreed with my premise, I suddenly became attached to my position that Stephen King was indeed a hack, and I got defensive, and the whole disagreement turned into a loud, profane reality show argument without cameras (in the back of a busy book store with a bunch of kids and angry parents staring at us), and several embarrassed writers quit the group afterward.
Looking back, I blame myself. I should not have used the word “hack.” “Hack” has a negative connotation. Most writers might feel insulted if they were described as hacks. I learned that day that readers get insulted if writers that they like are described as hacks.
I don’t have any problem with hacks. If I ever have an opportunity to become a hack, I’ll take it. A writer has an obligation to provide for his/her family, and if that means writing a lot of mediocre stuff to make a ton of money instead of a few masterpieces for a pittance, then so be it.
Here are three qualities that I think make an author a hack:
1. The hack writes at least one novel a year, whether that book is ready or not.
2. The hack probably wrote a really great book (or a few great books) early in his/her career and is now coasting on lots of inferior books.
3. The hack writes the same novel(s) over and over again.
WHO ARE THE HACKS?
When I recently checked a couple bestselling book lists, here are some authors whom I have read that I consider hacks:
John Sandford
John Grisham
Sue Grafton
Stephen King
Tom Clancy
Here are some authors whom I haven’t read but am pretty sure are hacks:
Janet Evanovich
Charlaine Harris
James Patterson
Nicholas Sparks
Nora Roberts
Mary Higgins Clark
Danielle Steel
Laurel Hamilton
Jeffrey Archer
I bet if we check the bestseller lists five years from now, the hack authors won’t have changed much.
MY FAVORITE HACK AUTHOR
I’ve known for a long time that Bernard Cornwell is a hack. I just didn’t realize until recently that he is my favorite author (if you judge that solely on number of books read).
Bernard Cornwell may be a hack, but he is my hack. He wrote a book called The Archer’s Tale (which was Book One in a trilogy), and then rewrote the same book and called it Agincourt (which is not part of a trilogy). I knew after reading the first couple chapters of Agincourt that Bernard Cornwell had simply rewritten The Archer’s Tale, but I still read Agincourt, and I still kind of liked it.
I’m not sure which Sharpe book this scene was in (because almost all of the Sharpe books had a scene like this). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I used to read Bernard Cornwell’s Richard Sharpe books until on the fifth or sixth book (that I was reading out of order) I had the feeling that I had already read the book I was reading. I checked my Sharpe collection, and I hadn’t read that particular book (I even forget which Sharpe book it was), but it seemed so familiar. When I read another Sharpe novel and had the same feeling, I figured I’d better stop reading Richard Sharpe books.
There are a lot of Richard Sharpe books. There are so many Richard Sharpe books that even Sue Grafton thinks there are too many Richard Sharpe books.
There are so many Richard Sharpe books that the French wonder if they won any battles during the Napoleonic Wars.
Bernard Cornwell wrote a couple books about the American Revolution from the British point of view, and I actually kind of rooted for the British, which is strange because I’m American and I always root for the United States, even (especially) when we start illegal wars. Bernard Cornwell turned me into a traitor. A hack turned me against my own country. That doesn’t make me feel good about myself.
Bernard Cornwell has several other books that I really like, including one of my favorite King Arthur series, so even though he’s a hack, his writing has some qualities that I like (even though his novels are not always high quality).
*****
I don’t mind admitting that I read literature that is not of the highest quality. In fact, I kind of take pride in that. If I ever join another literary group (I probably won’t), and we start talking about hacks (I won’t be the one to bring up this topic), I will be better prepared than last time. My hack is some author that few people have heard of, so chances are that nobody will get mad when I call him a hack.
*****
There are a lot of hacks in this world, but here are two completely different and inexpensive books from Dysfunctional Literacy.
Now only 99 cents each on the Amazon Kindle!
I feel obligated to warn potential readers that the rambling below might be a bit offensive (read the title and look at the picture), but I at least try to phrase things delicately. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I had a close call today. I was washing my hands in a public restroom when a guy rushed in clutching a newspaper. He was breathing heavily, and there was no silent nod of acknowledgement (he didn’t even make eye contact with me), so I knew something bad was about to happen. I didn’t even dry my hands before I exited the facility.
If the guy hadn’t been holding a newspaper, though, I might have missed the other signs of impending disaster (heavy breathing, no eye contact). For that, I shall be forever grateful for the newspaper.
*****
Circulation is down for just about every newspaper, and pretty soon there probably won’t be any newspapers anymore. Offhand, we might not care because people believe newspapers are obsolete. But newspapers are essential in one way.
If there are no newspapers, how will men know when it’s time to evacuate a restroom (before it’s too late)?
A newspaper is the perfect symbol that something (necessary but) horrible is about to happen. Nobody has to say anything. No verbal warnings are needed. A newspaper equals long-term body function; get out immediately if you don’t want to be offended. Without a newspaper, that nonverbal warning is gone, and I don’t think anything can replace it.
Replacing a newspaper with a tablet or a smart phone is too dangerous. One unlucky slip into the toilet, and nobody will want to touch that ipad again (even if it’s the latest one), no matter how long it sits in rice. If I see a guy walk into the bathroom with a tablet or a smart phone, I’m not exactly sure what his intention could be. He might simply need a place to talk, but that’s a bad idea if somebody else is reading a newspaper because, you know, you have to breathe in order to talk.
Magazines are too expensive. A person reading a newspaper in the bathroom doesn’t want to keep the newspaper afterward, but the newspaper is cheap and disposable, so the reader doesn’t mind throwing it away. A magazine is relatively expensive, and a guy might want to keep it afterward to save money. The reader then has a choice of either wasting money or being unsanitary, and some people in that situation might make the wrong choice.
If there are no newspapers, guys might have to resort to verbal warnings. A simple “You might want to leave,” is enough warning to any gentlemen who are simply washing their hands. A verbal warning, however, is the last resort because of the shame involved. It’s embarrassing to announce that you must “read a newspaper” when you don’t actually have a newspaper, and some guys would rather slip behind the stall door and hope for anonymity. A verbal warning seems crass, but it’s far more polite than “reading a newspaper” without letting everybody else washing their hands know what’s about to happen.
When I was a kid, my dad would always give the rest of the family a verbal warning (“Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time!”), even though he also took a newspaper in with him. We had a bathroom next to our dining area (why?), and his urge to read the newspaper coincided with my breakfast every morning. Unfortunately, my dad read the newspaper very loudly, and my breakfast was often raisin bran flakes with milk. That’s not a good combination, especially since bran flakes get soggy very quickly, and a bunch of raisins floating around brown sloppy cereal is not pleasant for a kid with an imagination. I resorted to eating breakfast in another room in front of the television with the volume turned up.
That is how I eat all my meals now, in front of a television with the volume turned up. When my wife calls me antisocial, I simply tell her this is a learned behavior.
*****
I don’t know what will replace the newspaper. Technology (tablets and smart phones) can’t do it. Magazines can’t do it. Verbal warnings won’t be used because of the shame involved. Without the newspaper, it’s going to require extra vigilance to know when to flee from a public restroom. I’m going to really miss newspapers.
