Time is a goon, and a gimmick is a goldfish. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I get a little sensitive when it comes to gimmicks in writing.
When I was in college, I got yelled at by a writing instructor for using 2nd person present tense in a story (hey, it was a “quick write,” and he told us to experiment!!!). The rest of the students nodded their heads as he lectured me about how gimmicks like 2nd person AND present tense took away from any merit my story had.
When Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney came out a few months later with a lot of critical acclaim, I wanted to storm into the writing class with it and read dramatically to show them I had been (unintentionally) a trend setter (“trend” might be a bit strong), but it was a new semester, and all the students had different classes and we would never see each other again.
It was probably for the best. I didn’t like Bright Lights, Big City. All it did was prove that my writing instructor had been correct.
*****
A Visit from the Goon Squad triggered this memory because I just finished reading it, and it uses a lot of (what I think of as) gimmicks. Normally, if I begin a novel that relies on a gimmick, I get annoyed and toss it aside. However, A Visit from the Goon Squad is the most recent novel to win a Pulitzer Prize for fiction, so its use of literary gimmicks is worth looking at.
Gimmicks are pretty common in some critically acclaimed fiction. Ulysses had stream-of-consciousness multiplied by infinity. The Shipping News had choppy sentences and fragments. Slaughterhouse-Five had “So it goes.” Holden Caulfield whines like hell in The Catcher in the Rye (or says …”like hell” a lot). When I think of these novels (I’m sure there are others, but I’m typing furiously and am probably missing something obvious), that’s what I think about, the gimmicks. The novels might have been great even without the gimmicks, and the gimmicks aren’t necessarily bad, but the gimmicks are what I think about.
A Visit from the Goon Squad doesn’t use just one or two gimmicks. It uses a bunch:
1. Telling the story out of order.
2. Switching points of view (3rd to 1st to 3rd…)
3. Switching tenses (past to present to past…)
4. power point/ flow charts (don’t use an e-reader for this book)
5. lots of stream-of-consciousness
6. And the worst gimmick ever… 2nd person present tense!
That’s a lot of literary gimmicks for one book. There were so many literary gimmicks, I expected the author to resort to the 1st person present tense narration death scene. I was wrong. Instead, she used the 2nd person present tense narration death scene. I hate being wrong.
Having so many literary gimmicks in one novel makes it look (to me) like the author is trying too hard. My writing instructor might have declared that using all these gimmicks took away from any merits A Visit from the Goon Squad had as a story. But he probably would have shut up once he realized the novel won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
If I had been the author of A Visit from the Goon Squad and my editor had told me to choose two literary gimmicks (instead of six), I would have chosen the charts and the out of sequence storytelling (and kept everything in third person point of view, past tense). I don’t mind novels where the events are out of order. And I like power points. I just don’t care for the presenter who reads the power point word for word to the audience and then says, “Um, okay?” after each screen.
Years from now when I look back on A Visit from the Goon Squad, I think I’m going to remember the gimmicks more than the content.
*****
A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan (This is my original review before it got out of control.)
This is a very uneven novel. Chapter 8 “Selling The General” might be the best 20 pages I’ve read in a really long time. Then there’s a wretched 2nd person present tense chapter (“Out of Body”) that made me cringe (because I thought it was predictable with overdone stream-of-consciousness). If the literary gimmicks thing doesn’t bother you, then you’ll probably appreciate this novel.
I’m not wild about literary gimmicks (except for parentheses), but I still really liked several sections of this book.
I think Pulitzer Prize judges don’t mind the literary gimmicks.
*****
It’s weird how seemingly minor events can change a person. If I hadn’t been chewed out by my college writing instructor, I might not be so sensitive about literary gimmicks, and I might enjoy literary fiction more. But instead, he inadvertently turned me to the dark side, and my dysfunctional literacy (which had always been a part of me) grew stronger. If not for that writing instructor, I might have turned into the kind of person who could read Ulysses and take the time to savor each phrase and appreciate every observation that James Joyce made. Instead, I count days until football season begins.
*****
The above article “Attack of the Literary Gimmicks” was written by the author of the two fine ebooks below!!
Now only 99 cents each on the Amazon Kindle!
I can read and ride a bike at the same time (kind of), but doing so in this situation might not improve my health. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As a writer, I want to live as long as possible because the longer I live, the more opportunities I have to be successful (even if I weren’t a writer, I’d want to live a long time). It’s not like being an athlete, where if you haven’t made it by the time you’re 30, your options are kind of limited (coaching, broadcasting, selling insurance). Writers can hit it big at any time, so we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and give ourselves the greatest chance possible of being successful.
Unfortunately, some recent studies say e-readers and tablets can be bad for our health. At first I was skeptical (great, another study), but now I can understand the studies’ point.
People who read/write too much on their tablets look down a lot and get back/neck problems because of poor posture, and that can be bad for your health. People sit too much when they read/write on their tablets, and sitting down for too long is bad for your health. People who read/write on their tablets and walk at the same time trip over curbs, get hit by 18 wheelers, or get conked on the head by deviants, and all of those things are bad for your health.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. Using e-readers and tablets to read and write have actually helped me to improve my health.
Tablets have helped me to improve my posture because they’re light (even if I’m reading Atlas Shrugged, which I’m not) and I can hold them up face-level with one hand, which means I don’t have to look down all the time. I alternate hands/arms when I read, so an arm doesn’t get tired, and I can look up the entire time. Try that with a book. It might be possible with a paperback, but then I’d have to squint. I’m too old to squint. It’s the 21st century, I have the technology, and I don’t want to squint anymore. But I do want good posture.
That’s not me, but reading and biking like this has improved my health. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Also, I can use the stationary bike when I read/write on a tablet. I can pedal fast and read from a tablet at the same time. It’s one of the few times I can multitask effectively (the other is watching football and folding laundry at the same time). I can read and get my heart rate up (without having to read 50 Shades of Gray). Writing on a tablet is a little more difficult than reading. I have to slow down the pedaling a little bit when I write. If I were really biking, I’d call it coasting.
Unfortunately, this combination of cardio activity and reading/writing is limited to the stationary bike. I wouldn’t try this on a treadmill (because I might fall and break something, and I’m not talking about the tablet). I wouldn’t try this on a real bike (because an 18 wheeler might make me two-dimensional). I wouldn’t try this on an elliptical (I’d get motion sickness trying to follow the tablet with my eyes).
I consider myself pretty lucky. I like my stationary bike. I like reading/writing on my tablet. I’m lucky that I live in a time and a place where I can use my stationary bike and my tablet to … aaarrgh! I hate it when I can’t think of a good concluding sentence!
I don’t mind a woman with an orange tan, but I still cannot think of a good reason to read a Snooki book. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’ve had reader’s block for the last couple months, and it’s gotten bad. Choosing a book to read when I have reader’s block is difficult because nothing seems interesting. And when nothing seems interesting, I find myself choosing books to read for really bad reasons.
SHOCK VALUE
Gorilla Beach by Snookie
I’ve never watched Jersey Shore, but I know who Snooki is. I wanted to read a book written by Snooki , but I wanted it to be an unedited book. An unedited book written by Snooki would have been hilarious, with grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that could have provided hours of entertainment for a guy who has reader’s block.
It could have been educational too. An unedited book written by Snooki could have provided high school English teachers with a year’s worth of editing assignments. English teachers (who didn’t mind risking their jobs by distributing Snooki material) could have given their students unedited paragraphs written by Snooki and said: “There are 25 errors in this paragraph written by Snooki. Each error is worth 4 points. You have 10 minutes to edit this paragraph. Good luck.”
Student reaction: “Snooki only made 25 errors in a paragraph?”
I would have paid for that kind of Snooki book.
I don’t surprise people very often, so people would have been shocked if I had said that I’ve read Snooki’s book. I was kind of looking forward to seeing their facial expressions when I told them. But it is not to be. Unfortunately, Snooki’s book is really boring. It wasn’t even offensive (unless being boring is offensive). The shock value of saying that I’ve read Snooki’s book would not be worth the time required to actually read the book.
Maybe if I didn’t have reader’s block, I could have finished the Snooki book, but reading a book simply to shock friends is a bad reason to read a book.
THE NEGATIVE BOOK REVIEW
The Family Corleone by Ed Falco
As soon as I heard that a new Godfather book (not written by Mario Puzo) was coming out, I knew I needed to write a bad review of it. Nobody should write another Godfather book because it’s just not going to be the same, no matter how hard authors try. The Godfather Part III proved that the magic can’t be recaptured. So I borrowed a copy of The Family Corleone by Ed Falco from the library and read it, prepared to hate it. I thought it was a sure thing.
And it wasn’t that bad. I actually finished it (which is rare when I have reader’s block). I wouldn’t recommend it, but it was kind of entertaining, if you think of it as a book about mobsters who happened to be named Vito and Sonny and Luca Brasi. If you think of it as a prequel to The Godfather, you might not like it. Nothing can live up to The Godfather.
I could write a negative review, but my heart wouldn’t be in it (maybe because of my reader’s block). And reading a book just to write a negative review is a bad reason to read a book.
*****
Decades ago I had a self-inflicted case of reader’s block.
THE BOOK HAS LOTS OF PAGES
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
When I read The Three Musketeers in 7th grade, a bunch of kids were impressed by how big the novel was and were really impressed that I read the whole thing (and understood it). Then I started reading Shogun by James Clavell (right before the television mini-series came out), and even more students were impressed that I had read it. Then I pretended to read a James Michener book, and students were even more impressed.
Keep in mind, this was before people said “Size doesn’t matter.” Back then, size mattered. And I was proud that when it came to novels, I always carried the biggest novel in the school. But each book had to be bigger than the previous one, and soon I was running out of big books.
After Atlas Shrugged, I was kind of stuck. All I had bigger than Atlas Shrugged was a giant Bible, and carrying a giant Bible kind of defeated the purpose of carrying around the biggest book in the school. People weren’t impressed with a kid reading a giant Bible. I had put myself in a bind.
Fortunately, in high school, we students received a bunch of really huge text books that made carrying novels with me from class to class impractical. Every other 10th grader complained about the giant textbooks, but I was secretly relieved. I no longer felt the pressure of reading really long, overwritten books.
I like it when somebody else accidentally solves my problems for me. And I learned that reading a book because it’s really long is a bad reason to read a book.
THE BOOK IS SHORT
All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
I’m not saying war is good for anything, but a struggling male reader is probably going to read a short book about war, especially if there’s a movie about it too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Kids (and some adults) that struggle with reading have a permanent case of reader’s block, and I feel sorry for them. When I was in school (especially in junior high) and the English teachers let us pick our own novels, the struggling kids always looked lost. So they usually chose books that were short, and every real reader knows that’s a lousy reason to choose a book.
Teachers would always get mad when struggling students intentionally chose novels that were short. Part of me says that’s the teacher’s fault for giving students a choice. The other part of me blames the students for not trying that hard.
When I was in school, I managed to convince a few of my struggling friends to choose really long books instead of short ones. I whispered to them that since they weren’t going to read the short books anyway (they would just stare at the pages and pretend), they might as well choose books that the teacher wouldn’t yell at them about. A couple struggling friends even chose books I had already read so that I could tell them enough for them to lie to the teacher. After a while, I realized this was really bad advice.
Then I discovered All Quiet on the Western Front.
All Quiet on the Western Front was a good short war book that a couple of my struggling friends pretended to read. This book worked on several levels. It was a war book, and it’s a straight forward story that my friends could follow. They told me that they actually read it, and they might have (that’s a bonus!). Most importantly, the English teacher didn’t give them grief about choosing that book, and he believed that my struggling friends were reading it (or pretended to believe it).
Choosing a book because it is short is a bad reason to read a book, but if you’re going to do it anyway, at least choose a good short book.
TO IMPRESS A POTENTIAL LITERARY GIRLFRIEND
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
I had two literary girlfriends in college (not at the same time), and all I had to do was read books. That was a great deal! I didn’t have to spend a lot of money (that I didn’t have), and I didn’t have to pretend to be a charming guy (that I’m not). The challenge was reading the books that the literary girlfriend wanted me to read.
This scene is in a lot of King Arthur books, but I’m not sure it’s in The Mists of Avalon because I… didn’t get very far. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The first literary girlfriend gave me The Mists of Avalon to read (she knew that I had read Le Morte D’Arthur and The Once and Future King, so at least she was thinking about my interests). While I was reading The Mists of Avalon, I commented to her that it felt like a girl’s book. She said she was “disappointed” in my reaction, and the relationship soon faltered. If a woman says she is “disappointed” too early in the relationship, it isn’t going anywhere.
But I learned. My second literary girlfriend gave me Interview with the Vampire (if you’re tired of the sensual vampire craze, blame Anne Rice). This time I called it a woman’s book instead of a girl’s book, and she discussed it with me rather than being disappointed. This relationship might have gone a lot further, but she couldn’t understand my obsession with football. Football is non-negotiable with me, so that relationship didn’t last long either. I had already given up watching professional wrestling for her, but that wasn’t enough.
I eventually found a literary girlfriend who liked football, and we got married, and we’re still married. But she never offered me any books to read, and I never asked for suggestions.
*****
I’m confident that I shall overcome my case of reader’s block. I am currently reading A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan simply because it won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction. I’ll know in a few days if reading a novel simply because it won a Pulitzer Prize is a bad reason for choosing a book.
If you call a writer a hack, this is the response you might get. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Is it just me, or has Stephen King become a hack?” I asked a bunch of my peers in a writer’s group a few years ago.
I’m often surprised at what makes people snap. I had figured that if I stayed away from politics and religion in my group’s post-writing-critique discussion, that we would be safe from any potential group-splitting controversy.
I was expecting an even-handed response (you know, because we writers have such stable personalities).
Instead, another writer snapped at me, saying, “Stephen King has forgotten more about writing than you’ll ever know.”
That was true, and it was kind of my point. Yes, Stephen King had indeed forgotten a lot about writing, and he was demonstrating that in his recent novels.
When I had started that discussion moments earlier, I was just asking the question, but once another writer (one whom I hadn’t liked anyway) disagreed with my premise, I suddenly became attached to my position that Stephen King was indeed a hack, and I got defensive, and the whole disagreement turned into a loud, profane reality show argument without cameras (in the back of a busy book store with a bunch of kids and angry parents staring at us), and several embarrassed writers quit the group afterward.
Looking back, I blame myself. I should not have used the word “hack.” “Hack” has a negative connotation. Most writers might feel insulted if they were described as hacks. I learned that day that readers get insulted if writers that they like are described as hacks.
I don’t have any problem with hacks. If I ever have an opportunity to become a hack, I’ll take it. A writer has an obligation to provide for his/her family, and if that means writing a lot of mediocre stuff to make a ton of money instead of a few masterpieces for a pittance, then so be it.
Here are three qualities that I think make an author a hack:
1. The hack writes at least one novel a year, whether that book is ready or not.
2. The hack probably wrote a really great book (or a few great books) early in his/her career and is now coasting on lots of inferior books.
3. The hack writes the same novel(s) over and over again.
WHO ARE THE HACKS?
When I recently checked a couple bestselling book lists, here are some authors whom I have read that I consider hacks:
John Sandford
John Grisham
Sue Grafton
Stephen King
Tom Clancy
Here are some authors whom I haven’t read but am pretty sure are hacks:
Janet Evanovich
Charlaine Harris
James Patterson
Nicholas Sparks
Nora Roberts
Mary Higgins Clark
Danielle Steel
Laurel Hamilton
Jeffrey Archer
I bet if we check the bestseller lists five years from now, the hack authors won’t have changed much.
MY FAVORITE HACK AUTHOR
I’ve known for a long time that Bernard Cornwell is a hack. I just didn’t realize until recently that he is my favorite author (if you judge that solely on number of books read).
Bernard Cornwell may be a hack, but he is my hack. He wrote a book called The Archer’s Tale (which was Book One in a trilogy), and then rewrote the same book and called it Agincourt (which is not part of a trilogy). I knew after reading the first couple chapters of Agincourt that Bernard Cornwell had simply rewritten The Archer’s Tale, but I still read Agincourt, and I still kind of liked it.
I’m not sure which Sharpe book this scene was in (because almost all of the Sharpe books had a scene like this). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I used to read Bernard Cornwell’s Richard Sharpe books until on the fifth or sixth book (that I was reading out of order) I had the feeling that I had already read the book I was reading. I checked my Sharpe collection, and I hadn’t read that particular book (I even forget which Sharpe book it was), but it seemed so familiar. When I read another Sharpe novel and had the same feeling, I figured I’d better stop reading Richard Sharpe books.
There are a lot of Richard Sharpe books. There are so many Richard Sharpe books that even Sue Grafton thinks there are too many Richard Sharpe books.
There are so many Richard Sharpe books that the French wonder if they won any battles during the Napoleonic Wars.
Bernard Cornwell wrote a couple books about the American Revolution from the British point of view, and I actually kind of rooted for the British, which is strange because I’m American and I always root for the United States, even (especially) when we start illegal wars. Bernard Cornwell turned me into a traitor. A hack turned me against my own country. That doesn’t make me feel good about myself.
Bernard Cornwell has several other books that I really like, including one of my favorite King Arthur series, so even though he’s a hack, his writing has some qualities that I like (even though his novels are not always high quality).
*****
I don’t mind admitting that I read literature that is not of the highest quality. In fact, I kind of take pride in that. If I ever join another literary group (I probably won’t), and we start talking about hacks (I won’t be the one to bring up this topic), I will be better prepared than last time. My hack is some author that few people have heard of, so chances are that nobody will get mad when I call him a hack.
*****
There are a lot of hacks in this world, but here are two completely different and inexpensive books from Dysfunctional Literacy.
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I feel obligated to warn potential readers that the rambling below might be a bit offensive (read the title and look at the picture), but I at least try to phrase things delicately. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I had a close call today. I was washing my hands in a public restroom when a guy rushed in clutching a newspaper. He was breathing heavily, and there was no silent nod of acknowledgement (he didn’t even make eye contact with me), so I knew something bad was about to happen. I didn’t even dry my hands before I exited the facility.
If the guy hadn’t been holding a newspaper, though, I might have missed the other signs of impending disaster (heavy breathing, no eye contact). For that, I shall be forever grateful for the newspaper.
*****
Circulation is down for just about every newspaper, and pretty soon there probably won’t be any newspapers anymore. Offhand, we might not care because people believe newspapers are obsolete. But newspapers are essential in one way.
If there are no newspapers, how will men know when it’s time to evacuate a restroom (before it’s too late)?
A newspaper is the perfect symbol that something (necessary but) horrible is about to happen. Nobody has to say anything. No verbal warnings are needed. A newspaper equals long-term body function; get out immediately if you don’t want to be offended. Without a newspaper, that nonverbal warning is gone, and I don’t think anything can replace it.
Replacing a newspaper with a tablet or a smart phone is too dangerous. One unlucky slip into the toilet, and nobody will want to touch that ipad again (even if it’s the latest one), no matter how long it sits in rice. If I see a guy walk into the bathroom with a tablet or a smart phone, I’m not exactly sure what his intention could be. He might simply need a place to talk, but that’s a bad idea if somebody else is reading a newspaper because, you know, you have to breathe in order to talk.
Magazines are too expensive. A person reading a newspaper in the bathroom doesn’t want to keep the newspaper afterward, but the newspaper is cheap and disposable, so the reader doesn’t mind throwing it away. A magazine is relatively expensive, and a guy might want to keep it afterward to save money. The reader then has a choice of either wasting money or being unsanitary, and some people in that situation might make the wrong choice.
If there are no newspapers, guys might have to resort to verbal warnings. A simple “You might want to leave,” is enough warning to any gentlemen who are simply washing their hands. A verbal warning, however, is the last resort because of the shame involved. It’s embarrassing to announce that you must “read a newspaper” when you don’t actually have a newspaper, and some guys would rather slip behind the stall door and hope for anonymity. A verbal warning seems crass, but it’s far more polite than “reading a newspaper” without letting everybody else washing their hands know what’s about to happen.
When I was a kid, my dad would always give the rest of the family a verbal warning (“Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time!”), even though he also took a newspaper in with him. We had a bathroom next to our dining area (why?), and his urge to read the newspaper coincided with my breakfast every morning. Unfortunately, my dad read the newspaper very loudly, and my breakfast was often raisin bran flakes with milk. That’s not a good combination, especially since bran flakes get soggy very quickly, and a bunch of raisins floating around brown sloppy cereal is not pleasant for a kid with an imagination. I resorted to eating breakfast in another room in front of the television with the volume turned up.
That is how I eat all my meals now, in front of a television with the volume turned up. When my wife calls me antisocial, I simply tell her this is a learned behavior.
*****
I don’t know what will replace the newspaper. Technology (tablets and smart phones) can’t do it. Magazines can’t do it. Verbal warnings won’t be used because of the shame involved. Without the newspaper, it’s going to require extra vigilance to know when to flee from a public restroom. I’m going to really miss newspapers.
Madonna promoting her boxed set of children’s books…no, that’s Madonna singing something (that probably has nothing to do with her children’s books). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Jill Biden (wife of Vice-President Joe Biden) has written a children’s book. Normally, when celebrities or politicians write children’s books, I mock them, but I don’t have the heart to make fun of Jill Biden. She’s married to Joe Biden, so she probably spends most of her time apologizing already.
I don’t have a problem with Jill Biden writing a children’s book (because she’s the vice-president’s wife, and that’s the kind of thing they’re expected to do), but I do have a gripe about most children’s books (whether they’re written by a public figure or not). A lot of recent children’s books are bland and seem to be more for parents than the kids.
The problem with some authors is that they want to have a positive message for kids instead of telling a really cool story. Jill Biden’s book (I haven’t seen it or read it) is supposed to have a positive message for children of U.S. service people. Books written by Jamie Lee Curtis (an actress in a lot of movies not meant for children) are usually blatant with their positive messages, even in the titles. I know a children’s book is going to be bland when there’s a positive message in the title. . Yeah, Grandma is Great, but I’d rather read Green Eggs and Ham. No offense, Grandma.
If you’re going to teach kids a lesson in a children’s book (civic duty, healthy eating, be nice to grandma), whatever you do, don’t let the main characters be human. That’s boring and downright disrespectful to the kids. At least try to disguise the lesson a little bit. Come up with some goofy cartoon characters, give them silly names, put them in ridiculous situations, and maybe throw in some rhyme or alliteration.
A children’s book should require imagination to read. Where the Wild Things Are was about a boy’s imagination, and when I was a kid, we’d race to the library to get to that book first. Dr. Seuss was like being high with the teacher’s permission (though I heard having permission always took some of the fun out of getting high). Even more straight forward series like Babar or Curious George at least had animals as the main characters instead of humans.
One of my personal favorites Dirty, the Hairy Dog didn’t even have a message (I don’t think it did). The dirty dog got lost, came home, and got clean (while dreaming of getting dirty again). I read Dirty, the Hairy Dog when I was a kid. My kids read Dirty, the Hairy Dog with me. Their kids will read Dirty, the Hairy Dog (especially if I’m around to make sure of it).
Oh yeah. The book was called Harry, the Dirty Dog. If I couldn’t get the title right, then I probably missed the positive message too.
The problem with celebrity children’s book authors is that the celebrity sometimes has done a bunch of stuff that children shouldn’t know about (until they’re older). There should be a rule (but not a rule in a Mayor Bloomberg kind of way). If a celebrity has ever done a bunch of stuff that would be inappropriate around children, then they shouldn’t be writing children’s books.
For example, maybe Jamie Lee Curtis shouldn’t write children’s books. When I was about 16, I was really grateful for that scene in Trading Places (every guy knows what I’m talking about), and I also appreciate her ability to decapitate seemingly indestructible mass murderers, but once she makes the choices to be in those movies, she probably shouldn’t write children’s books.
Once Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage (I would have really appreciated that when I was 16, but now my annoyance at their need to be noticed overrides my “woman-kissing-woman” radar), that should automatically have disqualified her from writing children’s books. Yeah, I know. Following my standards, Madonna would have disqualified herself long before that (probably before I was 16), but that’s the second best example I can think of. If you make a coffee table sex book, you probably shouldn’t be allowed to write children’s books.
Maybe there should be a statute of limitations for my children’s book rule. If there were such a statute, Jamie Lee Curtis would probably be okay. Madonna? Never!
“When beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle and the beetle battle puddle… Jill, don’t put any of those f***ing tongue twisters in your children’s book.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Fortunately, I don’t know of anything that Jill Biden has done to keep her from writing a children’s book under my perfect world rule. Joe Biden, on the other hand, has said so much stupid stuff that he should be forced to write a children’s book, simply for the entertainment value. I’d buy a Joe Biden children’s book, even if it had an obvious positive message (like keep your mouth shut if you don’t know what you’re talking about).
I should probably take my own advice.
WARNING: The following fake Joe Biden children’s book titles are taken from stupid things that Joe Biden has said. Joe Biden has said a lot of stupid (and probably offensive) things, and for some reason was picked to be vice-president. I think he’s being punished. Or the American people are.
POSSIBLE JOE BIDEN CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES
J-O-B-S and other Three Letter Words by Joe Biden
FDR’s Greatest Televised Speeches in the 1920’s by Joe Biden
Convenience Store Clerks and their Indian Accents by Joe Biden
Why Your Health is a Big F***ing Deal by Joe Biden
Americans with Disabilities: Stand Up! by Joe Biden
*****
Yeah, maybe these aren’t THE BEST CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES EVER, but these books would be more entertaining (or more offensive) than Today I Feel Silly.
I had never heard of the book Wild, but at least Oprah didn’t choose 50 Shades of Grey or The Hunger Games. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have to be careful when I write about Oprah Winfrey.
The worst joke I ever wrote for Dysfunctional Literacy was an Oprah joke. It was tasteless and really, really not funny. There’s a part of me that wants to get rid of it and delete it from Dysfunctional Literacy forever, but another part of me says: “Keep it. This is what happens when you write something every day just for the sake of writing something every day. This is what happens when you publish something before it is ready. Be shamed by this rotten Oprah joke and never do anything like this again!”
I think Oprah would call that a teachable moment.
Now that Oprah is renewing her book club, I want to comment on it, but I hesitate because of my previous disastrous experience writing about Oprah. Still, her Book Club 2.0 might become a big deal in the publishing industry, so I can’t ignore it. The industry is waiting to see what happens to book sales of her first selection. I almost have to write about it.
Oprah is doing more with her new book club than she used to. Oprah’s selections will be available on e-readers with notes and some kind of reader’s guide. That way, when her fans are having an emotional reaction to her book-of-the-month on the tablet or smart phone, curious passersby will think they’re crying at a sad text message and may offer consolation rather than derision for crying at an Oprah book in public.
There will also be a behind-the-scenes show on her cable network where viewers can watch Oprah reading her Book Club choice in real time and see Oprah emotionally reacting to the book (weeping, laughing, saying “Aha!” at key moments) while she reads.
It has to be tough for Oprah to read books when she has so many other things to do. Running a cable network (and a magazine too) is a lot harder than managing a talk show. A talk show is one hour a day. A cable network is 24 hours of content, and it’s tough to find 24 hours of content (or even 6 hours of good content repeated three times). Even the NFL Network, the BEST CABLE CHANNEL EVER, can’t find 24 hours of good content during the off season, and the NFL is way better than Oprah Winfrey.
That’s not an insult. The NFL is way better than any one person.
I could never buy an Oprah Book Club book, but that’s not an insult either. Whenever a book becomes popular, I’ve always had to have a copy that was printed before the book made it big. When I was a kid, I scoured used book stores for Ian Fleming James Bond books that didn’t have Sean Connery or Roger Moore on the cover. Later, when I reread The Lord of the Rings trilogy after movies came out, I dug through my storage room to find beat up paperbacks with the scratchy Middle Earth paintings so that I wouldn’t have to read a book with Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom on the cover.
So even if I were to read an Oprah Book Club book (which I probably wouldn’t), I’d have to find a copy that was printed before it became an Oprah book, so it wouldn’t have the Oprah symbol on it. It’s a matter of pride.
Even though I’m not an Oprah Winfrey fan, I hope she finds success with her cable network and her new book club. Oprah could have coasted with her talk show, and instead she took a risk. I respect that. She has also admitted to some decision-making mistakes along the way, and I respect that too. She has also fired some people, and even though firing people seems to be unpopular right now, I really respect leaders who can make the tough choices and fire people. I think not enough people get fired. This country (and the world) would be in a lot better shape if more people got fired.
I know my opinion of Oprah doesn’t matter because I’m not Oprah’s target audience. I’m probably the kind of guy that Oprah’s audience complains about. But hey, I watched the Oprah episodes years ago when Dr. Phil first came on. Those were good.
*****
I have to apologize to everybody that read this. I originally meant to write about Oprah Winfrey and how her new book club might affect the publishing industry, and instead I kept writing about myself. I think Oprah has that effect on people. I also was kidding about the television show where viewers can watch Oprah read her book in real time. I kind of feel bad about that, but not enough to cry or anything.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
President Obama was campaigning for reelection when he made a restroom stop. As he entered the facilities, he smelled the once familiar aroma of marijuana and discovered a group of long-haired stoners sitting in a hidden corner smoking a joint.
The stoners stared at President Obama, frightened at the leader of the free world in their presence. President Obama stood over them and sternly grabbed the joint.
“Let me be clear,” President Obama said. “You have been…uh… intercepted.”
And with that, the president sat down with the stoners and enjoyed a moment of recreation.
“I thought you checked this bathroom out,” one secret service agent said to another.
“I did,” the other agent said. “He’s been uptight lately.”
Even after President Obama finished the joint, he continued inhaling deeply, demonstrating to his new buddies the technique of “total absorption.”
“Mr. President, this is a restroom,” an agent warned. “You’re totally absorbing more than just marijuana.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Suddenly, Mitt Romney and a couple of his own Secret Service agents entered the restroom (yeah, I know this part is far-fetched). Mitt Romney looked with disdain upon the stoners and with disapproval at the president.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. President Obama and the stoners expected some words of rebuke, but instead, Mitt Romney whispered something to his agents and then stepped out without using the facilities.
Embarrassed, President Obama stormed out of the restroom and caught up with Mitt.
“Uh… let me be frank,” President Obama said. “I just told my Secret Service agents to arrest those young men for possession of marijuana.”
“Of course, you did,” Mitt Romney said. “But I told my agents to give those guys a haircut first.”
Once William Shatner plays your dad on a television show based on a bestselling book you wrote about your life, nobody is going to really care if you used to “suck at girls.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern
I have to give Justin Halpern credit. It takes guts to put the words “I suck” in a book title. It’s risky to put the words ‘I suck” in a book title. It leaves the author open to snide parody comments by jealous unpublished writers about the book title like I Suck at Writing Sequels or I Suck at Anything That My Dad Doesn’t Help Me With.
Those comments would probably be unfair, but that’s what some unpublished authors do. I Suck at Girls is the sequel (kind of) to Halpern’s earlier book Sh#t My Dad Says, which has been a best seller for a couple years and was even made into a (somewhat ill-conceived) television show.
When I heard that Halpern was writing a sequel, I wondered what kind of shock title he would use this time. I’m not a big fan of profanity in book titles, especially from established writers. It’s okay if it’s the author’s first book, and nobody has heard of the author, and he/she needs a gimmick to get readers’ attention. But if the writer is a celebrity or an established author, then putting profanity in a book title is incredibly selfish. I thought for certain that Halpern would find a way to use the word “sh#t” again (Even More Sh#t My Dad Says), or use the f-word too (F###ing Sh#t My Dad Says), or go for the trifecta by throwing an improper usage of God in the title as well (which I won’t do).
Halpern showed some class. He didn’t try to up the ante or double down (or use two clichés at the same time). Instead, he took the self-deprecating approach. I like the self-deprecating approach. I appreciate the guy who can take a few funny comments that his dad said, start a popular Twitter account with those comments, turn the tweets into a bestselling book, parlay the book into a television show, get William Shatner to play his dad (I wish William Shatner could play my dad), and then get paid to write a sequel. If anybody would think he had the right to go for an egotistical triple-crown profanity-laden book title, it could have been Justin Halpern.
And instead, he went for self-deprecation. I respect that.
DISCLAIMER:
I haven’t read I Suck at Girls. I probably won’t either. I read the free sample on my e-reader, and it was a lot like Sh#t My Dad Says but without the funny comments from his dad. Those comments were the best part of Sh#t My Dad Says. Without those comments, Sh#t My Dad Says would have been slightly amusing rather than pretty funny, which is what I Suck at Girls seems to be.
If I find out that his dad’s comments are actually in other portions of the book, I may go ahead and read it.
WHY AM I ONLY DOING BOOK TITLE REVIEWS?
Yeah, my last two book reviews have actually been book title reviews.
I’m not getting lazy. I just haven’t felt the urge to write about any of the books I’ve read recently. These books haven’t been good enough to recommend, and they haven’t been bad enough to mock. If a book leaves me feeling neutral, then I probably can’t write a decent review.
Maybe I’ll review Fifty Shades of Grey.
Uh, if you’re that offended by my tasteless jokes, I promise you that my BEST CLEAN JOKES EVER are really harmless. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There are some topics that you can’t joke about in front of people you don’t know. Certain personal beliefs, political issues, and private body parts can make people uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some wannabe comedians can’t resist the temptation of the forbidden, and they tell tasteless jokes anyway. A BEST TASTELESS JOKE EVER is an anecdote that focuses on a forbidden topic without getting graphic or making fun of that particular topic.
The following anecdotes might not be the funniest tasteless jokes ever (yeah, a truly tasteless joke might not really be funny), but since these anecdotes don’t get too graphic or make fun of the forbidden topics, they are some of the BEST TASTELESS JOKES EVER!
WARNING! Always let people know that you’re telling a tasteless joke before you tell it. That way, if they get offended, it’s their fault as much as yours.
WARNING! I’m about to tell some tasteless jokes. If you get offended, it’s your fault too.
THE WRONG KIND OF DISCOURSE
Two groups of protesters were yelling at each other in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.
“You don’t have the right to judge me!” an abortion-rights (or pro-choice) activist shouted. “If you’ve never been in my position, you can’t judge me.”
“I can judge you!” an anti-abortion (or pro-life) protester yelled back. “I had an abortion once, and I’ve regretted it every second since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had two abortions, and I know that I made the right decision about both of them.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had three abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had four abortions, and I know each one was the right decision.”
“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had five abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.”
The crowd stopped, shocked into silence.
“Wait a minute,” one of the pro-choice activists shouted. “You couldn’t have had five abortions. You’re a man.”
“I know,” the pro-life protesting guy admitted, slapping his forehead in frustration. “I get so caught up when I’m arguing that I always say something stupid.”
*****
HOW MUCH DOES FREE COST?
Some college guys (an intellectual, a hunk, and a smooth talker) were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity’s broke guy burst in. The broke guy never had any money and because of this was never able to go out with women.
“My losing streak is over,” the broke guy exclaimed. “I’ve got a date tonight!”
“What kind of woman would go out with a guy that’s always broke?” wondered the smooth talker (who also was often broke but he could smooth talk ladies into buying stuff for him).
“She’s a birth control activist,” the broke guy said. “She thinks the government and insurance companies should pay for birth control. Tonight is guaranteed.”
“The only thing guaranteed with an activist is a boring political lecture,” the smooth talker countered.
“It’s ironic that an excursion with an advocate for free birth control has no chance of advancing toward a situation where contraceptives would actually be necessary,” the intellectual said.
“Yeah,” the hunk said. “Plus, she’s not going to put out.”
The broke guy disagreed, and there was much arguing until finally they made a bet that the broke guy’s date would lead to no romantic activity. True, the broke guy had no money, but he could wash frat house dishes for months and months if he lost.
That night the broke guy brought the birth control activist home, and within the next few hours the entire frat house knew that the broke guy had indeed won the bet.
The next morning after the activist had left, the intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker greeted the broke guy and paid him lots of money for the wager.
“How does it feel to not be broke?” the hunk asked.
“I agreed to pay her health care premium for this month, so I’m still broke,” the broke guy said, shaking his head. “That free birth control was way more expensive than I thought it would be.”
THAT HURT A LOT!
A bunch of men were sitting around at a bar, and they began talking about injuries they had sustained to their groin area. Men talked about being punched, kicked, and even bitten in the crotch, and during each story, men would cringe and groan in empathy.
Just when the men thought that the anecdotes could get no more gruesome, a man stood up and said, “A few days ago, I was at a spa taking an eel bath for my skin, when an eel crawled into my… you know.”
The men cringed and groaned in empathy, so much so that they forgot to ask him why he was at a spa.
The man continued. “I tried to pluck the eel out before he got completely inside, but he was a slippery devil, and he squirmed out of my fingers and slithered all the way up my… you know… all the way into my bladder. The doctors performed surgery and got him out of my bladder, but at that moment when he dug into my… you know…, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.”
The men cringed and groaned and thought that surely no one could top that story.
“That’s nothing,” another man said. “I got into an argument with my wife a few months ago, and while I was sleeping, she drugged me up and then she cut off my… you know… with a knife.”
The men cringed and groaned in empathy.
“When I woke up, I was tied to the bed, and she dangled my… you know… in front of me, and then she stuffed it into the garbage disposal. I was still drugged up at the time, but when those drugs wore off, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.”
The men cringed and groaned and thought that surely no one could top that story.
“That’s nothing,” another man said dramatically. ‘I was once a prominent Democratic politician, and I made the mistake of Tweeting a picture of my… you know… to some friends, and I accidentally sent it out publically. I had to resign my congressional seat because of that.”
Nobody cringed, and nobody groaned in empathy.
One man spoke up. “How can you compare that to the massively painful injuries that the other men here have endured?”
“Because last night my former congressional district had a special election for my seat,” the Democratic politician said. “And when I found out that a Republican won my congressional office, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.”
Dysfunctional Literacy 