Some people quote one-liners from their favorite movies; others collect the crusty, old books that those movies are based on.
2012 is the 25th anniversary of The Princess Bride movie (and any other movie that came out in 1987), and I’m not sure how to celebrate. Dressing up in costume seems outdated. Quoting one-liners from the movie would just get me strange looks. So I’ll do what I do best, engage in a bit of literary combat, pitting two of William Goldman’s most successful books (and their respective movies) against each other.
PRINCESS BRIDE: NOVEL vs. MOVIE
The Princess Bride (the movie) has a weird fan base (the fans themselves aren’t necessarily weird; it’s the composition of the fans that is a bit bizarre). From my experience (no other data to back this up), people who don’t otherwise care for fantasy enjoy The Princess Bride, but people who like fantasy don’t care for The Princess Bride.
I saw the movie with my literary girlfriend in college, and she loved it (we didn’t dress up in costumes back then). I didn’t care for it, and back then, I couldn’t figure out why. Now (from what I remember) I think it’s because the characters seemed like they were in on the joke. I don’t like comedies (a lot of stuff with Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller) where characters seem like they’re in on the joke. But since my literary girlfriend liked the movie a lot, I pretended to like it a lot as well.
I’m pretty sure my literary girlfriend pretended to like other stuff that I liked a lot, so I guess it was a trade-off.
The Princess Bride has a bunch of one-liners that guys who quote movies love to say. I say “guys” because I’ve never met a woman who quotes movie one-liners. Even though I get annoyed when people quote movie one-liners, I used to have a bunch of friends who did it. Now I don’t have any friends that quote movie one-liners (and I don’t have very many friends anymore either), but I get less annoyed than I used to.
Here are a few one-liners that I got tired of movie quoters quoting:
1. “As you wish.”
2. “Inconceivable!”
3. “Inconceivable!” was also followed by “I don’t think you know what that word means.”
4. “Turns out your friend here is only mostly dead. See, mostly dead is still slightly alive.”
The Princess Bride the book has a lot of great lines too, but I don’t remember them because I’ve never had any friends who went around quoting one-liners from novels. I’m not sure any of my friends who saw the movie ever read the book.
The novel is clever (with a lot of self-awareness that annoys me when it’s in a movie), but the focus is different. I don’t do synopsises (or synopses), but if you’re interested in the book publishing process (as it was in the 1970s), then you’ll find the first section of The Princess Bride interesting. It also helps if you are a bit familiar with Marathon Man.
I liked (but didn’t love) The Princess Bride novel. I was almost ambivalent about the movie. Therefore, the winner is The Princess Bride the novel.
MARATHON MAN: MOVIE vs. NOVEL
The movie doesn’t hold up well because the tone and the music and almost everything about it are very 1970s, and that 1970s feel can ruin a movie for people who aren’t used to it. The movie ending is a lot different, and I’ve changed my mind a few times about which version I like better.
Marathon Man has only one quote that movie quoters quote, but that one quote is very memorable.
“Is it safe?”
Unlike the one-liners from The Princess Bride, there are real life situations where saying “Is it safe?” (with a thick fake German accent) is appropriate, and people think it’s funny even if they have no frame of reference.
For example, when a co-worker walks out of the office bathroom holding a newspaper, asking “Is it safe?” will always draw some laughs. Unfortunately, some co-workers then feel alienated or self-conscious. The lesson is that if you’re not holding a newspaper, you can always blame the guy before you; when you’re holding a newspaper, you’re busted.
Marathon Man the novel holds up much better than Marathon Man the movie. Plus, it’s a short entertaining read without 1970s taint.
MARATHON MAN vs. THE PRINCESS BRIDE
The Movies: I’d still rather watch Marathon Man than The Princess Bride, but nobody celebrates the anniversary of Marathon Man the movie. I also think “Is it safe?” beats any one-liner from The Princess Bride, but if you have to choose, go with the one that’s more pop culturally relevant. And that’s The Princess Bride.
The Novels: Marathon Man is one of my all time favorite thrillers. It’s short. There are scenes with emotional impact. The ending isn’t a let down. When I get reader’s block, I know I can turn to Marathon Man. The Princess Bride is a good, clever novel and deserves to be read, but you probably have to be in a certain mood to appreciate it. Therefore, the novel to choose is Marathon Man.
*****
It was easier when I celebrated the 25th anniversary of Predator. All I did was flex my biceps a few times.
Related articles
- Inconceivable! How ‘The Princess Bride’ almost didn’t get made (marquee.blogs.cnn.com)
It’s not the Avengers or the Fantastic Four that ticked off the Incredible Hulk; it was the small living space in those pricey New York high rises.
Choosing the best comic book ever wasn’t as difficult as people might think. The best comic book ever must have four things; great art, great story, social relevance, and… aw, who am I kidding? People read comic books for two reasons: fight scenes and hot chicks in skimpy outfits. Unfortunately, when I was a kid, comic book women were cartoonish and proportionally unimpressive, so all we had were the fight scenes.
And Fantastic Four #26 had the best fight scene ever. Therefore, Fantastic Four #26 is the BEST COMIC BOOK EVER!
Before Fantastic Four #26, comic book fight scenes weren’t very long. They usually went on for only a couple panels and weren’t imaginative (except for some early Batman comic books). But then Fantastic Four #26 came along, and the comic world changed for the better. Yes, comics could have plots. But even better, the fight scenes could take up pages and pages. And the comic book universe is better for it.
A comic book fight scene has to have a compelling match up, and Fantastic Four #26, pitted the Fantastic Four and the Avengers against the Incredible Hulk. Almost all great comic book fight scenes involve the Incredible Hulk.
The Incredible Hulk is the superhero version of cheese; by himself he’s kind of boring, but he makes everything else better. A fight between the Thing and the Hulk is pretty cool. A fight between the Fantastic Four and the Hulk is even better. A brawl between Hulk and the Avengers is about as good as it gets. But the Fantastic Four vs. Hulk vs. the Avengers? I tear up (as in weeping) just thinking about it!
This fight scene was so great that it took two issues to resolve. The fight started in Fantastic Four #25 as a slug-fest between the Thing and the Hulk (don’t ask what started it; it doesn’t matter). Of course, the fight got out of control. And the next thing you know, both the Fantastic and the Avengers got involved.
A great comic book fight scene isn’t just characters hitting each other. Even I’d get bored with that. This fight scene in Fantastic Four (#25 and) #26 went everywhere. They fought in the streets, on the river, on a bridge, on a boat, in the sewer, on top of buildings, on top of cars, inside a bus. It was like a tour of the city with lots of property damage.
Just as Fantastic Four #26 was an all-issue fight scene, The Avengers movie (I can’t get myself to write Marvel’s Avengers) was almost an all-movie fight scene. That’s what made The Avengers movie so great. Most super hero movies waste the first half with a (boring) origin story. The Avengers’ origin was a bunch of fight scenes. I almost cried as I watched it.
Without Fantastic Four #26, the all-issue fight scene might never have been invented. And without an all-issue fight scene in a comic book, an all-movie fight scene like The Avengers might never have been made.
COMICS THAT AREN’T QUITE BEST EVER!
Action Comics #1- The first appearance of Superman. The most expensive comic (and most sought out comic) ever! The one comic everybody hopes to find in their attic! The one comic book that started the whole super-hero craze!
How can this NOT be the BEST COMIC BOOK EVER?
Try reading Action Comics #1 just for the heck of it. 8 pages out of 64 are Superman, and the rest are of characters that nobody has ever heard of before (and there’s a reason for that). Chuck Dawson never got his own comic book. And if he did, they didn’t survive the World War II paper drives.
*****
Detective Comics #27- The first appearance of Batman, the COOLEST SUPER HERO EVER!! Yeah, this could be thought of as the BEST COMIC BOOK EVER for the same reasons as Action Comics #1 (I wouldn’t mind finding this in my attic either).
Unfortunately, it has the same problems as Action Comics #1 as well.
*****
The Dark Knight Returns- This 1980s series was pretty awesome and influential, but it was a four-issue series, so it can’t count as a single issue comic book.
*****
Avengers #4- The first Silver Age appearance of Captain America (if you don’t know what that means, then you’re probably a normal person). It also has a great fight scene, but the issue is interrupted by a weird two-page subplot involving some lettuce-headed alien.
A lettuce-headed alien disqualifies a comic book from being BEST EVER!
If the lettuce-headed alien shows up in Marvel’s Avengers II (Ugh, I can’t believe I just wrote that), then I’ll reconsider.
*****
Real fights aren’t as cool as comic books (or movies) make them look. The last time I was in a fight, all I saw was the guy’s fist, and then I felt a blinding flash of pain. I didn’t get a chance to make a threat about conquering the world before I got punched out. I didn’t even get in a good quip. I wouldn’t have made a good super-hero or a good super-villain. I wouldn’t have even made a good henchman. Luckily, nobody drew the fight and put it in a comic book (or filmed it and put it on the internet).
My fight definitely would not have provided material for the BEST COMIC BOOK EVER!
*****
The true story of a writer’s one moment of high school glory!!
Only 99 cents on the Amazon Kindle!
This is either a Lord of the Rings rip-off, or Merlin is a lot tinier than I imagined him.
With 2012 being the 75th anniversary of The Hobbit and Peter Jackson’s movie (or trilogy) coming out soon, there are certain to be a rip-off or two. And rip-offs might not be a bad thing. When you’re done reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings (or done watching the movies), that’s it. There isn’t another Tolkien book or trilogy that’s the same thing.
JRR Tolkien also wrote The Silmarillion, but it’s more like a history/mythology book than a rousing story, and if I want to read about mythology or history, I’ll read about real mythology or history.
That’s just how I am now. When I heard that George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire (also known as Game of Thrones) series was loosely based on the War of the Roses, I decided to read about the War of the Roses instead of the Ice and Fire series. Now I know more about English history, and I didn’t waste weeks upon weeks keeping up with a convoluted series that might not ever get finished.
WHAT IS A LORD OF THE RINGS RIP-OFF?
A book (or series) has to be more than fantasy to be a Hobbit/Lord of the Rings rip-off. It has to be fantasy, but it also has to have a quest, usually for some all-powerful object that must either be mastered or destroyed. Various fantasy critters (elves, dwarves, trolls, along with authors’ creations like hobbits and orcs) have to be involved (like a fantasy version of an old Benetton ad).
A lot of fantasy looks like a Hobbit/Lord of the Rings rip-off, but isn’t. Both The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit are about quests that require a journey through the fantasy land (in this case Middle Earth). Most fantasy stories have a journey of some kind, but that’s part of the genre. Alice journeyed through Wonderland. Dorothy journeyed through Oz. John Carter journeyed through Mars. And all of these were written before The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings.
The whole point of fantasy is to create another world and then exploring it. Writing a fantasy without a journey is like traveling to an exotic location and then staying in the hotel room all day to watch football (which I’ve done, and my wife was not happy).
BOOKS THAT AREN’T RIP-OFFS
Bored of the Rings– by National Lampoon
A parody is not the same thing as a rip-off, so this 1969 book does not count. Bored of the Rings is a really thin book, so people who won’t read Lord of the Rings can still laugh at Bored of the Rings. And they do. Bored of the Rings made me curious about what a dildo was (at the time, I didn’t understand why everybody laughed when I said the name Dildo Bugger).
In the 1970s, I couldn’t go see National Lampoon’s Animal House (cable television hadn’t been invented or hadn’t reached us yet), but I could read Bored of the Rings. Bored of the Rings was cool to people who hated Lord of the Rings. Other boys in junior high who read Lord of the Rings were getting swirlies in the public school boys room, and I was left alone simply because I had passed around my copy of Bored of the Rings.
Thank you, National Lampoon.
*****
A Song of Ice and Fire (series also known as Game of Thrones)- by George R. R. Martin
Yes, the story can meander (like Lord of the Rings does occasionally). Yes, the production values of the HBO series look pretty good. But this fantasy is a sub-genre of fantasy called sword and sorcery. Sword and sorcery is more about the blood and guts (and scantily clad women with no morals) than it is about the quest.
Conan the Barbarian stories (by Robert E. Howard) are probably the best in the sword and sorcery genre. They’re short. They get to the point. They’re well written. A Song of Ice and Fire may be well written (that’s debatable), but it’s not short, and it hasn’t gotten to the point yet (if it has one). I’ll be surprised if George R. R. Martin ever finishes the series.
It’s not a Lord of the Rings rip-off, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be the best one.
BOOKS THAT ARE RIP-OFFS (in my opinion)
Lord Foul’s Bane (trilogy)- by Stephen Donaldson
This came out at the time (late 1970s-early 1980s) a lot of the forgotten Lord of the Rings rip-offs came out. It has a lot of similarities (quest to Mount Thunder, powerful ring, trilogy), so (in my mind), it’s a rip-off. The trilogy starts off on Earth, and the guy wakes up in a fantasy land, so it’s also a rip-off of John Carter (or Alice in Wonderland) too.
Even as a kid (or young adult), the names in Lord Foul’s Bane kind of annoyed me: Lord Foul, Thomas Covenant, Drool. The author could have used a pen name like Stephen Hammeronthehead with the way he overdid the names. I read these in the early-to-mid 1980s, and I don’t remember a thing except thinking, “This is rip-off” and “These names are annoying.”
That’s okay. I’ve been told my writing style is annoying too. And I haven’t even written a trilogy yet.
AND THE BEST RIP-OFF IS…
Okay, this is definitely not a King Arthur book.
The Sword of Shannara– by Terry Brooks
It has the quest. It has a Dildo… er… Bilbo/Frodo type character (Shea). It has a source of power that must be reckoned with (a sword). It even has a Gandalf-like figure (Allanon). A friend of mine in a 12-step program laughed when he read this book, saying something like, “Allanon’s trying to save the world. Typical Allanon.” I think you have to be in a 12-step program to get it.
Back in the 1970s, the Brothers Hildebrandt used to paint popular illustrations of scenes from Lord of the Rings (these made awesome calendars!). The Sword of Shannara is such a great rip-off that the Brothers Hildebrandt painted illustrations for this book too.
If you can look at a random series of Brothers Hildebrandt paintings and determine which ones are from Lord of the Rings and which ones are from Sword of Shannara, your reward is a swirly from a bunch of high school guys in the boys restroom.
The Sword of Shannara isn’t bad. Today’s readers who are unfamiliar with Tolkien’s influence probably prefer it over The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings (I’m not condoning such an attitude). The Sword of Shannara is such a great rip-off that the author is still writing Shannara books nearly 40 years later. Let’s see if people are reading A Song of Fire and Ice 40 years from now.
When people start celebrating 75 years of The Sword of Shannara, I’m really going to feel old.
Related articles
- The Hobbit 75th birthday celebrated worldwide (telegraph.co.uk)
If you wanted to watch porn a couple generations ago, you never would have found a place this nice to do it. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I caught a guy watching porn in the public library a few days ago. I didn’t mean to. I was minding my own business, wandering through the nonfiction section of the library, when I spotted a naked female butt on a library computer screen. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked at another person’s screen, but it was a female butt. Unfortunately, some other body parts showed up, and I could tell that I had missed the dialogue.
I accidentally made eye contact with the guy watching the porn, and he nodded. Normally, I’m a fan of the nod of acknowledgement. I usually respond to a nod of acknowledgement with a nod of my own because I’m a polite guy and the nod of acknowledgement keeps me from having to talk to people I don’t want to talk to.
But a guy who’s watching porn in the library gets no nod of acknowledgement from me. Instead, I gave him the grimace of disgust and a prolonged “Duuuude” as I shook my head and passed by.
I didn’t report the guy. His pants were pulled up. His hands were where I could see them. The volume was muted. There weren’t any kids around. I didn’t know what my library’s filter policies were (I guess I do now), but even if porn is allowed in a public library, no self-respecting guy is going to watch it there.
Self-respecting. Yeah, I know.
A couple generations ago, if a guy wanted to watch porn, he had to go to a “theater” in a rundown neighborhood and hope that nobody (who wasn’t in that neighborhood to watch porn too) saw him. If I had been an adult back then, I probably never would have watched porn because my sense of shame would have overcome my desire to see porn. With the internet, it’s pretty much shame-free porn available at all times. Whether or not that’s good is a debate for another blog.
The idea of watching porn in a public library is still baffling to me and has undermined my confidence in the U.S. judicial system. Despite Associate Justice Potter Stewart’s quote (“I know it when I see it”) about hardcore smut, pornography is easy to define. It involves a few body parts and a few actions with those body parts. If these actions and body parts are combined in any way, it’s pornography. It shouldn’t have been difficult for judges to figure this stuff out.
Potter Stewart got a lot of grief over his quote, but his perspective is understandable. I’m sure he could have defined pornography if he had wanted to, but to do so, he would have had to use a bunch of graphic terms that were considered improper back in the 1950s and 60s. And back then, you simply didn’t do that, unless you were a deviant (and I use that term without judging). Unfortunately, pornography/obscenity laws got muddled, and somehow “freedom of expression” got involved.
I like porn (and I’m no constitutional scholar), but even I know that the “freedom of expression” argument is bogus.
Nobody watches (or makes) porn for the freedom of expression. Listening to pornographers talk about freedom of expression is like hearing high school students brag about how they convinced the substitute teacher to let them go to lunch 30 minutes early.
The pornographers (or their lawyers) that came up with the “freedom of expression” argument decades ago probably couldn’t believe it actually worked!
I don’t blame the pornographers for trying the “freedom of expression” angle to mainstream porn. I expect deviants (and again, I’m not judging) to try everything to justify their behavior (or mainstream it). I blame the judges who fell for that argument. Judges are expected to know better.
Despite what pornography aficionados might think, the computer and internet were not invented to make porn more accessible. I’m not sure what they were invented for (I used to know), but it wasn’t for readily available porn.
And believe it or not, libraries have computers and internet access primarily for research purposes, and not for porn. Nobody watches porn for research. There’s nothing to learn from porn. Every scene ends the same way… kind of. There are really three kinds of scenes. Two of them end the same way, and the other ends a slightly different manner, but once you’ve watched one porn scene from each category, then you’ve learned everything you’re going to learn from porn, and no more research is necessary.
But there was no way that guy watching porn at the library was doing research. He was too creepy to be doing research. It makes me wish that Justice Potter Stewart really had defined pornography. Maybe that would have set up a chain of events leading to libraries filtering out porn. Even if I’m wrong about that, his definition probably would have been fun to read.
The problem with sock puppets is that you often don’t know whom that hand belongs to or where that hand has been. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The world is full of people who get rewarded for being fakes. LeBron James fake falls during NBA games, and his opponents get called for personal fouls. Women who get paid a lot of money in certain entertainment industries have fake body parts. Reality shows use fake conflict to draw in viewers. And on the internet, authors create fake identities (sometimes called “sock puppets”) to say great things about themselves and their own writing.
But authors who create fake sock puppet identities to brag about themselves better not get caught.
British author R.J. Ellory (of whom I had not heard before this controversy arose) has admitted to creating fake identities to write positive reviews for his books. Even worse, he wrote fake negative reviews for books written by his competitors (more information here). Unfortunately for him, he got busted before he admitted to it, and now he’s being rewarded with mockery and a bunch of 1-star reviews on Amazon for his own books.
Despite the outrage directed at Ellory, I don’t have a huge problem with sock puppets. One of the reasons to go online is to be kind of deceptive, to take on a personality that you don’t have (or can’t get away with) in real life, to say things you can’t normally say (without losing friends or getting fired).
If I wanted to tell lame jokes to people I actually know, I would, but I don’t want to. Instead, I do it on the internet. So creating an online identity that doesn’t quite match my real personality makes sense.
But writing fake book reviews?
THE SOCK PUPPET RULES
Sometimes it’s okay for authors to write a fake 5-star review of their own books. A first time self-published author who writes a book that nobody reads should be allowed to fake one (and only one) 5-star review. Every self-published book should have one 5-star review, just for the effort it takes to put the book out there. A self-published book looks lonely with no reviews, and even one (fake) positive review can change the way a book appears on Amazon (or any other online book store). So the one-time sock puppet has its purpose.
But sock puppet identities can be taken too far. An author shouldn’t need to create more than one sock puppet identity. And a sock puppet shouldn’t be used to harm other people. And that’s what R.J. Ellory did wrong. He should have just written one fake positive review for each of his own books. And he should have left other authors alone.
PAYING FOR FAKE REVIEWS
John Locke, a guy who (probably) has written (too) many e-books (for them to be any good) admits that he has paid others to write positive reviews for his digital books. That sounds like a waste of money (even if the high number of fake 5-star reviews encouraged people to purchase his books). He could have at least been (dis)honest enough to write his own fake reviews and save himself some cash.
Then again, he might have been smart to not write the fake reviews himself. A problem with writing your own reviews is that you have to be careful not to use the same writing style or repeat the same errors in your reviews. If you write “This book was grate!” in several reviews, even the most gullible of potential readers may notice. If you accidentally write, “My book was great!” then you’re really screwed. I’m tempted to write my own fake review, but I’d probably accidentally put thoughts in parentheses or write a lame joke to give it all away.
THE ONE TIME IT’S OKAY TO SOCK PUPPET A NEGATIVE REVIEW
Leaving a 1-star review for other authors seems tacky, but it’s justified if the (victimized) author is a jerk. For example, a couple years ago, my wife got hit on by a (kind of) celebrity author at a book signing. The photo of the event shows the semi-celebrity author leering at my wife with his hand near an inappropriate location with my wife appearing a bit uncomfortable. In this instance, a 1-star review would be justified, even if the celebrity author’s book was good (which it wasn’t).
The only reason I didn’t leave a 1-star review was because the celebrity author has good taste in women.
OH GOD, NOT A PETITION!
The worst part of this sock puppet controversy (not REALLY the worst part) is that authors have begun a petition to demand an end to deceptive online reviews. A petition? Egads, petitions are more annoying than sock puppet identities. I’d write a fake 1-star review of The Bible before I’d sign a petition calling for an end to fake 1-star reviews.
God, when I mention writing a 1-star review of The Bible, you know that I really wouldn’t do it, right? Right?
Hello?
REAL REVIEWS BY REAL PEOPLE vs. FAKE REVIEWS BY FAKE PEOPLE
Fake online reviews don’t bother me because I don’t trust real reviews anymore. I stopped relying on book reviews when Stephen King wrote a positive review of Justin Cronin’s novel The Passage a couple year’s ago. After being sorely disappointed in it, I vowed never to trust a book review again, even ones written by real people. I also vowed to 1-star every book Stephen King has ever written (yes, every single one of them!), but then I saw the thousands of 5-stars (even for the books that didn’t deserve them) he has, and I realized that my attempt at vengeance would be pointless.
But the outrage I feel remains. If I can’t trust a book review by Stephen King, whose book review can I trust?
Related articles
- Are RJ Ellory’s faked reviews the tip of the iceberg? (telegraph.co.uk)
*****
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Maybe Lewis Carroll wasn’t high when he wrote Alice in Wonderland, but I know some people who were high when they saw the movie. (image via Wikimedia)
After we finished reading “Jabberwocky” one day in my ninth grade English class (“reading” is the wrong word; “staring” might be more accurate), our class’s goofball burnout asked loudly, “Was that dude on drugs when he wrote this?”
My over-sensitive English teacher seemed shocked by the question and quickly responded, “No. People didn’t take drugs back then.”
The thing is, I believed her at the time. A few years later, I learned about opium (not first hand).
I feel gullible for believing my ninth grade English teacher, but I’ve been gullible most of my life. It took several writers conferences where literary agents claimed they would get back to me about my manuscripts to figure out that I was too gullible. Gullibility is not a good characteristic for a writer to have.
Despite what my over-sensitive English teacher claimed, people did take drugs in the 1800s. Opium was a medicine of choice, and Lewis Carroll possibly suffered from migraines. If Carroll had migraines and partook of a bit of opium for relief (or just for the heck of it), then maybe, just maybe, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass were inspired by more than imagination.
To me, it doesn’t matter. It’s not like opium, cocaine, and marijuana are performance enhancing drugs when it comes to writing. From my (friends’) experiences, taking certain brain altering substances can limit creativity rather than enhance it. It usually slowed down my (friends’) thought activity. Some of my (friends’) hallucinations were cool, but nothing to write about.
To unimaginative people, an act of creativity seems drug inspired. Giant living playing cards. A grinning cat that turns invisible. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Jabberwocky. No normal person could come up with that stuff without hallucinogenic encouragement. But creative folk can do that (in their sleep or) while completely awake and alert.
Some creative people resort to drugs. Aaron Sorkin has a reputation for cranking (crank.. haha) out a lot of material while he’s under the influence of something other than alcohol. Maybe one morning he cleared his mind, read his dialogue, and said, “I know these characters are witty, but they talk so fast that I can’t understand a word they’re saying. Plus, they’re kind of pompous.”
And maybe, just maybe, Lewis Carroll recovered one morning from his dazed and confused night of opium-inspired writing, stared at his parchment, and exclaimed, “What the hell is a vorpal?”
If Lewis Carroll wrote anything while under the influence, it probably wasn’t “Jabberwocky” because “Jabberwocky” was a poem, a tightly designed poem. If “Jabberwocky” had been written in free-verse, then I could have believed Carroll had been hallucinating, but it’s tough to write rhyme with a consistent rhythm and be nonsensical at the same time. It was a calculating mind that composed this nonsense. Unfortunately, my over-sensitive English teacher seemed too afraid of the drugs topic to state this to the class.
*****
Alice in Wonderland and Literary Girlfriends
One evening my literary girlfriend in college invited me to her apartment to watch the movie Alice in Wonderland with her, and I thought Alice in Wonderland was code for “spend the night and have lots of fun.”
When we actually began watching the movie, I thought, “This isn’t as much fun as I was hoping for.”
It might have worked out okay, but then Tweedledee and Tweedledum showed up in the movie, and I exclaimed: “My ninth grade English teacher told us that they were in Through the Looking Glass, not Alice in Wonderland. I always knew she was a dumb broad.”
Literary girlfriends have a unique look of contempt when guys say something stupid. First of all, I knew that Hollywood (and Disney) changed stuff in movies back then, so that made my comment pretty stupid. Secondly, I should never have said “dumb broad.” My ninth grade English teacher was very smart (if over-sensitive), but in college I hadn’t yet honed my tightly crafted sense of humor, so I could come across as crass (when I wasn’t coming across as lame), and I was promptly kicked out of my literary girlfriend’s apartment.
Fortunately, she was forgiving (or desperate), and she took me back the next day. Unfortunately, she broke up with me two weeks later to go out with one of her (former) professors.
Professors. What a scam. I could have become a professor.
*****
Other Children’s Authors Who Might be Accused of Writing While in an Altered State
Frank Baum- The Wizard of Oz series/ Lots of crazy stuff, spread out over 14 books.
Crockett Johnson- Harold and the Purple Crayon books/ A magic crayon and purple? It has to be drug related.
Margaret Mahy- Down the Back of the Chair/ Reading this makes me wonder what Margaret Mahy really hides in the back of her chair.
Roald Dahl- The BFG/ I don’t even know what this book is about; I just like saying “BFG!”
Shel Silverstein- Uncle Shelby’s A-B-Z Book/ Look at a picture of him. Plus, his name is Shel. Poor guy never had a chance.
Has Mark Zuckerberg ever fired an employee for writing something stupid on Facebook? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The great thing about the internet from a literacy point of view is that more people than ever are writing. The problem is that a lot of these people writing aren’t truly writers. They’re talkers, using writing as a tool. Talkers are charming and personable, so when they say something tacky, people laugh and forgive it.
But when a charming talker tweets a tacky comment or puts it on Facebook or email, it can be seen by countless people who don’t know how personable and charming the charming talker really is. Then the charming talker ends up getting fired, losing friends, or has to make embarrassing, insincere apologies.
“Best Writing Tips Ever! The Internet Edition” is a tool for charming talkers (or anybody else) who want/need to write on the internet (email, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) but don’t want to lose friends or get fired for it. “Best Writing Tips Ever!” is not about grammar or punctuation. Once you have mastered writing on the internet without getting fired, then you can worry about the grammar and punctuation.
But until then, concentrate on these rules.
- Don’t write too much online.
Yeah, that can take the fun out of writing, but the less writing you put on the internet, the less stupid stuff that can get traced back to you. If you do have to write, short responses are great. My e-mails, texts, and Facebook entries are filled with “Yes,” “No,” and “I’ll get back you later.”
Short responses keep you from keyboarding snide remarks that can come back to haunt you. If you say “This job sucks,” to a co-worker, you can always deny it if the boss comes down on you. If you write “This job sucks” in an email, tweet, or Facebook entry, there is no plausible deniability. Saying somebody hacked into your account doesn’t work anymore, even if somebody did hack into your account.
- Avoid writing about personal problems.
Don’t get me wrong; I love reading about other people’s problems. But if you choose to write about it publicly, a lot of people who aren’t really your friends are going to read it. You’re basically providing free entertainment to readers you don’t know. And if the readers do know you, it can lead to awkward situations later.
The possibility of having an awkward situation will not stop acquaintances (or employers) from reading about your personal problems (and making comments behind your back). The only way to stop this is to not write about your personal problems. If you absolutely need to write about your problems, don’t publish (or send) what you wrote.
- Do not admit to personal vices.
Vices are really fun. Whether it’s getting drunk, getting high, hanging out with strippers (helping them through college), tearing up property during a protest, it’s best if you don’t brag about it. If you do write about your vices, make it sound fictional.
- Leave job related issues at work
Writing is a blast, but getting paid is way better. If I ever criticize my boss or employer or anybody who is giving me money, I do it behind the scenes so that it can’t get traced back to me. I’m not going to put it in an e-mail, or a tweet, or on Facebook.
And the few times I absolutely have to take a stand (it happens!), I am very careful about what I write. At the very least, that means deleting a lot of adjectives.
- Don’t write jokes that aren’t funny.
Yeah, I know this whole blog is filled with jokes that aren’t funny. I get it. At least when I write a bunch of lame, tasteless jokes, I’ll title it something like BEST LAME, TASTELESS, OFFENSIVE PORN JOKES EVER! You know what to expect from me, there’s a context to the lame jokes, and I don’t attach them to my name, or my employer, or anybody who knows me.
- Don’t write when you are emotional.
It’s okay to write stuff when you’re angry, or sad, or exhilarated, or in any other extreme emotion. But you’d be better off waiting until you’re in the right frame of mind before you actually publish it. Extremely emotional tweets can be very entertaining, but most people don’t write emotional stuff to entertain; they write extremely emotional stuff to vent.
Venting should be done in private. Then when you’re calm, go over it (delete all the adjectives and insults), and then… maybe… think about publishing it.
- Stay away from writing utensils or apparatuseseses when you are drunk (or in a similar condition).
When you’re drunk (or in a similar condition), you don’t have control over your faculties (or is it “facilities”?), so obviously you shouldn’t be writing. The problem is that people who aren’t in control of their faculties often don’t realize they aren’t in control of their faculties. I once wrote (what I thought was) an awesome joke when I wasn’t in control of my faculties and the next morning realized it said something like: “Lkomp gmbpg ju tyggdew bjklr!”
One commenter said it was the best joke I had ever written.
- Do not write when you are in a hurry (unless you’re going to get fired or a bad grade for having nothing).
Always take a moment to think through your writing before you publish it. I once had a writing instructor say that a writer should leave a rough draft alone for six months before proofreading it. Unfortunately, I did that with my tweets, and got stuck with a bunch of 140 character “LeBron James chokes” jokes that are out of date.
Still, if you’re tweeting or texting, at least look them over closely before you send them. Think about the appropriateness of what you wrote and make sure the automatic spell check didn’t mess anything up.
- Do not multi-task while writing.
Some activities can be multi-tasked, and others can’t. I can fold my laundry and watch football at the same time. But there are at least three things you shouldn’t multi-task during: driving, reading legal documents, and writing.
Writing while doing something else can lead to disastrous mistakes. Yeah, it might just be a missing word, but it could also mean sending the wrong message (“My job sucks!”) to the wrong people (your employers). And that’s way worse than using the wrong form of “their” or “two.”
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Some people may complain that following my advice will lead to really boring writing on the internet. That would happen only if everybody followed my advice. The world is full of people who don’t follow advice, no matter how wise it is, so there will always be people who write entertaining stuff (and get fired for it).
Just make sure it doesn’t happen to you.
Show some respect! This was once state-of-the-art technology. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Technology changes so quickly that anything we learn will be outdated in a couple years. Back in the old days, when we learned something new, it stayed relevant for a decade or two.
A Best Technology Joke Ever is an anecdote that makes fun of the changes in our lives because of technology without getting too technical. You don’t have to be an expert on the latest gadgets to appreciate a Best Technology Joke Ever! The following anecdotes might not be the funniest technology jokes ever, but since anybody can understand them, these are some of the Best Technology Jokes Ever!
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GOD GETS ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK AND TWITTER
It was the new millennium, and as God looked over humanity, He was again saddened and disappointed by what He saw. Humans had developed almost miraculous technology and yet were misusing it for their base desires. Men used technology for porn. Women used the technology for gossip. Criminals used the technology to help themselves steal and murder. Very little productive was being done with these wonderful tools that God had allowed/helped humans to discover.
And so God decided to step in.
First, God created an account on Facebook and friended everybody. When He was rejected by most Facebook users, God was stunned.
“Who would dare not to friend God?” God asked with indignation, tempted to set the world on fire.
But instead, God upgraded His Facebook page.
He put up photos of Adam and Eve with the apple, Moses parting the Red Sea, and Jesus walking on water. These pictures created a huge stir on the internet, as image experts closely examined the pictures for signs of image editing or anachronisms (God had made Moses take off his watch), but the photos were authentic, and people throughout the world began to believe that this particular Facebook page truly belonged to God.
And soon God had more friends than anybody else on Facebook, and God was happy.
Next, God went on Twitter. It was sometimes difficult to keep His good word to 140 characters, but He was God and the Twitter technology showed remarkable flexibility when God wrote too much. God used Twitter to shame individuals of their sins. He publically warned men (and women) not to cheat, not to watch porn (at least not at work), not to discuss politics where food was being served, and of course not to steal, murder, and the usual stuff.
Humans did not stop committing acts of sin, but the number of acts of sin decreased greatly.
Atheists, however, refused to believe that this was the work of God. It had to be a hacker with enough resources to check individual internet usage and deduce who was sinning and how. No amount of evidence was enough to prove to them that God existed and had gotten addicted to Facebook and Twitter.
“Prove that you’re God,” the skeptics demanded to God. “Perform a miracle for us.”
“Is nothing enough for you?” God scoffed. “I have just used Facebook and Twitter in a positive way to do good in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.”
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TECHNOLOGY AND PERFECT ATTENDANCE
A corporate manager made a grand announcement to his department during a (mandatory) working lunch.
“I’ve got great news,” the department manager said to his employees. “For the first time in the history of this corporation, a division has had perfect attendance for the entire year. And that’s us!”
There was much cheering and high-fiving from the employees.
A cynical employee muttered to his co-worker, “I bet you there’s a ‘but’ after this.”
“As proud as I am of this department,” the manager continued, “I think we can do even better.”
“That counts as a ‘but’ to me,” said the cynical employee.
“Our department is undergoing a couple changes that will make us even more efficient,” the manager declared.
“I bet none of the changes will be a raise in our salaries,” said the cynical employee.
“This department has just purchased new software that will make us even more productive,” announced the manager.
“More boring training sessions and a lot more additional paperwork,” muttered the cynical employee.
“And unfortunately,” announced the manager, “a new firewall has been added so that none of you can access any social networking sites or any… other… um… adult… um… sites… on your office computers.”
There was an audible groan, but nobody argued.
“There goes our perfect attendance,” the cynical employee said. “The only reason we come to work every day was for the Facebook and free porn.”
*****
COP BUSTS TEXTING DRIVER
Several states had made text messaging while driving a crime, so a police officer who needed to meet his quota sat in his squad car on a busy street watching for violators. He noticed an SUV speeding with a bunch of screaming teenagers jumping up and down without seat belts on in the back seat while the driver was texting with one hand on the steering wheel.
After he had pulled her over, the police officer said, “Ma’am, you were speeding. You have several kids in the back jumping and screaming without seat belts on. Why in the world were you texting at a time like this?”
“They couldn’t hear me yelling at them,” the driver said, exasperated. “So I was texting them to sit down and shut up.”
These cheerleaders may be gorgeous, but from where I’m sitting in the stadium, they could be hairy guys in skirts, and I wouldn’t be able to tell. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Since I wear glasses and read a lot of books, people assume I don’t like football, and I can understand why they think that. Football fans paint their bodies in team colors, get drunk, shout profane slogans, destroy property, and I don’t do any of that. But I understand why football is awesome and what makes it the most popular sport in the United States.
A lot of my friends (who also wear glasses and read a lot of books) hate football and don’t understand its appeal. With football season here (or approaching), I’m probably going to have to explain football’s merits again very soon, so this is my practice.
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Here’s why Americans love football more than any other sport:
1. Most football games are played on the weekend.
A lot of sporting events are played on week nights, and that can be tough on potential viewers/spectators. Most football games are played on Saturdays (college) or Sundays (NFL), making it very easy for most potential viewers/spectators. Fans can get sloppy drunk on a Saturday night (or Sunday afternoon) and still be fine on Monday morning (or Monday afternoon).
That’s very thoughtful of football.
2. Almost every game is meaningful.
This explains why football fans get really obsessed. Teams only play one game a week for a few months out of the entire year. College football teams play a 12 game season. NFL teams play a 16 game season (only eight home games). That means each game is important, and each game can be turned into a major event. For football fans, every weekend from September to February is a holiday weekend.
Unfortunately for football fans, some actual holidays don’t feel like holidays because there isn’t a football game on.
3. The football isn’t round.
Most sports require a round ball, but the football has a weird shape. This might not seem important, but it makes football unpredictable in ways that other sports aren’t. The football can be thrown with a beautiful spiral that can be accurate even in a fierce wind. The football, however, bounces or rolls in an ugly unpredictable way when it’s dropped or fumbled.
I love watching Tom Brady (or Aaron Rodgers or any other quarterback) throw a 50 yard touchdown pass. I also love watching Tom Brady (or any other quarterback) chase a fumbled football that keeps bouncing in different directions. Everybody looks funny while chasing a rolling bouncing football, even Tom Brady.
4. Football requires more sets of skills than any other sport.
A successful football team needs a bunch of big lugs on the (offensive and defensive) line, some strong fast athletes at the skill positions, and then a couple really smart guys (hopefully the coaches and quarterbacks) to run everything. This means that there is an element of the game to appeal to every kind of sports fan.
- If you like violence, then you can watch the skill position guys get tackled or the linemen pound each other.
- If you like speed, you can watch the receivers getting open or the running backs flying through the holes in the line.
- If you like strategy, you can analyze the play calling.
No other sport requires so many different skill sets, and all must work together for a football team to be successful.
Football is like the United States. In order for the United States to function and prosper, people of all religions, races, genders (and any other demographic groups that I can’t think of off hand) must share a common set of values (I’m not getting into what those values are or should be). For a football team to succeed, athletes of various talents, sizes, and strengths must work together in a way that no other team sport requires. Football is a unique sport for a unique country.
USA! USA! USA!
5. Football has the best music!
Football music is rousing and can motivate me to do anything (except exercise). If I’m having a rough morning, I can turn on NFL Network before I leave home, hear a few notes of football music that get stuck in my head, and I can walk into work in slow motion with my chin held high. Nobody messes with a guy who walks into work in slow motion (though some people will call the cops).
6. I can read during a football game.
This reason doesn’t appeal to many football fans, and I’ll never admit this outside of Dysfunctional Literacy. Football is the one major sport where I can read a book and still keep up with the game. If I try to read during any other sporting event, I’ll stop paying attention to the game (which isn’t necessarily bad).
There’s about a 20-30 second time period between each play during a football game, and that’s enough time for me to read a little bit and then glance back up in time to catch the next play. If the book is really good, I may miss a few plays, but I can always rewind. If the game is really good, I may get stuck on the same page for a couple hours, but that’s okay too.
Reading a book is best done at home. As socially awkward as I may be, I have never taken a book to a football game. Even I know that is a bad idea. However, with today’s technology, I can read a book on my phone (or other device) and everybody around me assumes I’m either checking scores or watching porn, and everybody at the game is fine with that.
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If I get into a discussion about football with one of my non-football friends, I think I’ll shorten these explanations a little bit.
Most authors would be afraid to put the word “sleep” in a book title, but not Stephen King! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Sequels aren’t always a good idea. For every Godfather II or Spider-Man 2, there’s a (Godfather III or Spider-Man 3), Jaws 2, Caddyshack 2, or Ghostbusters 2. But now that Stephen King is ready to publish a sequel to his novel The Shining (information and synopsis for Dr. Sleep found here ), it leaves potential readers like me wondering…. Why?
It’s been around 35 years since The Shining was published, and as great as (I think) it was, I’ve never heard anybody say, “You know, The Shining really needs a sequel.”
When you write a sequel to a much loved classic, a lot of things can go right (make tons and tons of money), but a lot can go wrong too (great idea goes stale).
Reasons to Write a Sequel to The Shining
- Because Stephen King wants to.
Who is going to tell Stephen King not to write a sequel to The Shining? Editors (if he has any)? Publishers? Readers? If Stephen King wants to write his own version of the phone book, there are a few million people who would buy it because Stephen King wrote it.
Yeah, phone book references are probably outdated.
- Because there were unanswered questions in The Shining.
A good/great horror book always has unanswered questions about the supernatural, and The Shining is a great example. I don’t like spoilers, so I’m not going to list the unanswered questions I have, but a great sequel could build on what The Shining left unexplained.
- Because it’s going to make a lot of money.
This reason needs no explanation.
Reasons NOT to write a sequel to The Shining
- It’s been too long since The Shining.
There’s an old rule in literature that I just made up that says if you take 35 years to write a sequel, then the sequel probably won’t be very good. Unfortunately, I can’t think of too many examples of this to prove (or disprove) my point. Most sequels that were written 35 years after the original were written by another author and that’s the reason why those sequels aren’t very good.
- The unanswered questions are best left unanswered.
There were some unanswered questions in The Shining, but the answers Stephen King provides in Dr. Sleep might be disappointing. The Matrix is a good example of this. The Matrix is considered a great movie, but the sequels tried to explain too much, and confused fans had to write really long explanations of what they thought the movies meant. I got confused when I watched the 2nd and 3rd movies, and I became even more confused when I read the really long explanations.
Cool fight scenes and cool horror books shouldn’t have complicated explanations. Hopefully Dr. Sleep won’t have a long, complicated (boring) explanation.
- Dr. Sleep might not be anywhere near as good as The Shining.
The Shining is awesome. But (in my opinion) Stephen King hasn’t written an awesome book in decades. That doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of writing an awesome book, but I haven’t seen the proof of it recently.
A sequel to The Shining should have to be awesome before it gets published.
WARNING SIGNS!!!!
I haven’t read Dr. Sleep (it hasn’t come out yet), but from what I’ve read about it, I’ve got a couple concerns.
- The title Dr. Sleep
The Shining was a cool title for a book. It was mysterious, and it took a while for the reader to have an idea what it meant. Dr. Sleep is not very mysterious (and I’m not sure it’s a cool title either). Unless King throws a major curve ball (cliché! I know!), every reader knows what Dr. Sleep is referring to.
It’s also risky to put the word “sleep” in your book title. If the book is long and plodding, snarky critics will have a wonderful time making “sleep” references to your bestseller. If an author puts the word “sleep” in a book title, the book had better be exciting.
A couple decades ago I made a comment that Stephen King’s novel Insomnia cured mine, and all I got was the silent stare. I learned then never to tell a Stephen King joke during a football game.
A few days later I learned to never tell an Insomnia joke to somebody who really likes Stephen King books. Yeesh, it was worse than talking politics.
- Character name: Abra
Meaningful names are signs of lazy writing, especially when the name is obvious (or ironic). Abra? Sometimes you just have to roll your eyes and say (in exasperated fashion), “C’mon!”
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Stephen King has sold more book titles than I’ve sold book copies, so maybe I have no business questioning him or his sequel. I don’t know. Most sports fans have never thrown a football but have no problem criticizing/questioning NFL quarterbacks (or college, high school, or pee wee league quarterbacks).
But if there’s anybody in this world who can handle criticism (that he’ll never know about anyway), it’s Stephen King.
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I really hope this sequel is awesome, but I’m prepared for it not to be!
Dysfunctional Literacy 