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Did A Famous Author Just Send Me A Death Threat?

July 14, 2020

Here’s a random famous author. (image via wikimedia)

First off, I want to say to this famous author: “I got your message.  This will be the last blog post where I write about you.  I will never mention you again.”

There’s a reason for this.  I have written several blog posts where I’ve made good-natured fun of a famous author’s writing.    I’ve reviewed several of the famous author’s novels (none of them positively).  I didn’t think the author would care.  But now I’m not so sure.

A friend of mine sent me an excerpt from a page of a recent novel written by this famous author.  I’m not sure what the plot is (plots don’t matter in novels written by… Aaarrrgh!, I’m not doing that anymore), but one of the murders happens in the city where I live… in the neighborhood where I live… and on the street where I live.

I don’t live on a major street.  My street doesn’t run for many blocks.  I haven’t figured the exact calculations, but it’s almost statistically impossible for the famous author to have selected this street randomly from a city he rarely writes about or mentions.  There are a lot of streets to choose from, and most of them are much longer, more visible, and far more likely for a murder to take place on.

We don’t have murders on my street.  We have the occasional property crime.  A few years ago, somebody stole my daughter’s bike.  I’m not blaming the famous author for that.

If you think I’m being too conspiratorial, I’m just a beginner when it comes to conspiracy theories.  For example, I don’t pay attention to numerology.  I don’t know anything about the Free Masons or the Illuminati.

I DO believe that a bunch of people who work for the BBC knew that Jimmy Saville was molesting kids, and they let it happen.  I know that the PizzaGate emails weren’t talking about pizza (I’m not saying they’re talking about trafficking kids, but they WEREN’T talking about pizzas).  I was aware of Epstein’s Island (I’ve never been there) years and years before the news decided it was real.  I know that the current stuff that is going on isn’t what is being presented on TV (but… I’m not that kind of blogger).

I also know that the famous author has ties to Bill Clinton, and there’s a pretty decent chance that Arkancide is real.  I’m not 100% sure Arkancide is real, but I’m not taking chances.  If the famous author is sending me a message, I’m reading it loud and clear.

Just so you know, I was never trying to harm the famous author’s career goals.  I was just making fun of his writing.  I shouldn’t matter to him.

If I actually matter to him, if the famous author really wants to respond to me, he should just make fun of my non-existent book sales.  He could rightfully claim that, statistically speaking, nobody reads my blog and nobody is willing to pay for my writing.  He could mock the low quality of my videos or the way that I talk.  If he did that, I’d laugh and move on.  I’d respect him.  He doesn’t have to send me a death threat.

Having said that, if I “commit suicide,” it was murder.

If I get killed in a car accident, it was murder.

If I slip in the shower and die, it was murder.

If I get COVID-19 and die, it was definitely MOYDER!!

A normal person wouldn’t want to kill me just because somebody mocks his books.  Heck, some weirdo has been sabotaging my blog and ebooks for the last year and I don’t even wish that weirdo dead.  I think it’s kind of funny, and I wonder what’s wrong with the weirdo.  I don’t think that the weirdo is the famous author either.

At any rate, I’m not messing with the famous author or anybody who’s friends with the Clintons.  I’m going to focus on my own writing, my own stories, and I’ll stick to making videos about comic books.  That’s probably what I should be doing anyway, and I’m perfectly fine with it.

And I don’t believe that the famous author really wants me dead.  If the famous author wanted me dead, I’d be dead already.  I think the famous author is just sending me a message.  And I’m accepting the message.

I’m not, however, going to start pretending to like the famous author’s books.  I’m not going to delete my previous blog posts.  I’m just going to say that I was going through a phase and now my writing has evolved.  I hope everybody who reads my blog understands.

And I really, really hope that the famous author understands.

12 Comments
  1. If you’re talking about the guy who wrote the longest sentence on the planet, call him out and break his nose for me. Or send him here and I’ll do it.

    • (or, take the books back and demand a refund :D)

      • Haha! There are a few authors who’ve claimed to have written the longest sentence. If any of them send me a threat, I probably wouldn’t have the patience to read it.

        But a writer who makes my obscure street a murder scene in one of his books? I don’t know what to make of that.

        • Honestly I wouldn’t worry about it. It sounds like some weird, emotionally-immature literary snowflake who has too much time on his hands. Don’t let him bully you into changing.

          You should have a new segment on your YouTube, ‘Reading ridiculously long sentences in one breath.’ -I’d watch that 😀

  2. This means that you have some sort of influence on the guy. I wouldn’t necessarily see that as an insult.

  3. This is such a huge coincidence! I’m sitting here in a campground in Ouray, CO, reading Bill Bryson’s “The Road to Little Dribbling,” when I came across a paragraph in which he articulated the joys of being an older person, including not needing to shop or buy stuff because he has all he needs. (p.146) “No, I don’t need a dog basket or a plank of wood with a sentimental message on it or a new paperback thriller written with the blessing and possible light assistance of JamesPatterson or…” I laughed out loud, thought immediately of you, and scrolled through my reader to find a recent post of yours on which to record this comment, and lo and behold, this is the first one I came across!

    • James Patterson? Haha! The famous author isn’t… necessarily… James Patterson.

      I just randomly used his picture because there aren’t many famous authors that most book readers would recognize.

      Remember, I never said “James Patterson” in my blog post I used the term “famous author.” But it’s funny that Bill Bryson would make a James Patterson reference in his book. And it’s also funny that you would think of me afterward. And then it’s funny that when you came to my blog, you’re greeted by a… random picture… of James Patterson.

  4. Now I’m going back through all your old posts to see if I can figure out who the famous author who is not necessarily james Patterson might be….

  5. I think that if you want to avoid being killed by a famous author, you may be safer preemptively naming James Patte… I mean, the famous author as the person who wants you dead.
    Of course, with author it would be supreme irony if you in fact die by another reason but he gets the credit for it.

  6. I found this post really funny and the subsequent comments. I’m new to WordPress and have been trying to figure it out using some different search words. Pleased to have found yours 😀😎

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