I’m Going To Buy Truman Capote’s Ashes

 (image via wikimedia)

Truman Capote’s ashes are for sale.  Most of the literary community might not have known that the famous author’s remains were available at all, but now we know they’re going up on  auction next month in California with an opening bid of over $2,000.  Nobody knows how much the bidding will go up for a writer’s ashes, but I’m going to find out.  After all, I’m going to win this auction.

When I say I’m going to win Truman Capote’s ashes, I don’t mean I’m going to “try” to win them.  I’m thinking positive.  I’m actually going to buy Truman Capote’s ashes.  I’m really going to do it.  I don’t have a lot of money, so I’m pooling all my resources.  I’m taking out loans.  I’m raiding my daughters’ college funds.  I’m cashing out all my 401Ks (what’s left of them).  I’m going all out.  I’m going to own Truman Capote’s ashes.

The great thing about an auction is that you can determine your own outcome.  If you’re willing to spend more money than anybody else, you win.  The only thing you can’t control is whether or not somebody else with more money will decide to get involved.  So unless some rich eccentric gets involved, I’m going to own these ashes.

I’m not really a Truman Capote fan.  I’ve never read In Cold Blood.  I’ve seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but all I remember is Mickey Rooney.  I’ve read To Kill A Mockingbird a few times.  Truman Capote supposedly helped Harper Lee write it.  Maybe he wrote it himself and let Harper Lee get the credit.  That would explain why she never wrote anything else, except Go Set a Watchman if you count that.

I’m sure Capote had nothing to do with Go Set A Watchman.  I haven’t read it either, but I’ve heard there’s a huge difference between To Kill A Mockingbird and Go Set a Watchman.  I don’t believe everything I’ve heard, but I believe this.  Maybe I should read a sample just to make sure.

Even though I’m not a fan, I want Truman Capote’s ashes.  You don’t get many chances at life to be connected with greatness.  I’ve never met a universally respected literary author.  I’ve met a couple celebrities, but I was disappointed in both of them.  One yawned in my face, and another hit on my wife.  I’m pretty sure Truman Capote’s ashes won’t do either.  If he was alive, he’d probably yawn in my face, but he wouldn’t hit on my wife.  He might hit on me, though, and I’m okay with that.  When I was younger, I got hit on a lot.  I was even offered a significant amount of money (not by a celebrity).  I turned him down, but looking back, I could sure use that money now.

Winning the auction might break me financially, but I could always resell Truman Capote’s ashes later.  I could even split his ashes into smaller sections and sell them and probably make a decent profit.  A lot of people who couldn’t pay for all of Truman Capote could afford to pay for a portion of him.  I could even advertise each ashy portion as part of Truman Capote’s brain.  Everybody would want part of his brain.  With all the ashes mixed up for decades, his brain has to be all over the place.  Any body part you want, I’m sure it’s mixed in.

Owning ashes isn’t a strange concept to me.  My wife and I have kept ashes of family members when we weren’t sure what to do with them.  Sometimes people want their ashes spread in a certain location, but these family members never told us what to do, so we’re waiting for inspiration.

Don’t get me wrong.  My wife and I don’t go around collecting family ashes just for the sake of collecting.  That would be creepy.  We just weren’t sure what else to do.  Once you spread ashes in the wrong place, you can’t take it back.  Maybe these family members wanted their ashes to be together.  And maybe they’d like Truman Capote to keep them company.

I’m not sure what I’d want done with my ashes.  It seems so permanent.  I wouldn’t mind them spread out around someplace scenic like Yellowstone Park.  There’s a spot near the canyon waterfall where a valley sprawls open, and it was my favorite spot in the park to drive.  My wife wants to get dumped into the ocean.  If I’m going to stay with my wife, then I have to go into the ocean too.  The problem is that I get extremely nauseous in open water.  I don’t want to be nauseous for all of eternity, so I have a dilemma.

But if I have Truman Capote’s ashes, I could spend eternity with Truman Capote.  I hope he’s not a jerk.  I’d hate to spend eternity with a jerk.  Literary geniuses can be arrogant, and I can’t stand arrogance.  I’d rather be nauseous in open water than have to listen to arrogance for eternity, even if it’s Truman Capote’s arrogant ashes.  I’m going to have to make a decision about this sometime because I know I’m going to win Truman Capote’s ashes.

*****

If you enjoyed this blog post, you’ll really like my ebook.  Ashes are not included with the purchase.