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Is This a Good Reason to Fight? Farting in Public

June 15, 2016
They would have tolerated his cheating at cards if he hadn't farted so much. (image via Wikimedia)

They would have tolerated his cheating at cards if he hadn’t farted so much. (image via Wikimedia)

There are a lot of valid reasons to get into a fight.  If somebody looks at you funny.  If somebody talks about your mom.  If somebody is disrespectful to your spouse.  If somebody gives you a crappy nickname.  But what if you get accused of farting in public?

It’s happened.  A few nights ago in a Florida restaurant, a brawl broke out over public flatulence.  It was reported on the news, so it has to be true.  Plus, if this lone incident made news, think about how many times this has happened and has gone unreported.

I’m not the kind of guy who likes to watch fights on the internet.  Even so, I’d like to see a video of what escalated an argument about farts into a fistfight.  It validates one of my most strongly held life-long beliefs.  I’ve proclaimed all (or most of my adult) life that few accusations are worse than being accused of farting in public.  It’s almost as bad as being called a racist.  In fact, the last time I was called a racist (it doesn’t happen much), I accused my accuser of farting in public.  He was stunned by the comeback, and I left before he could take a swing at me.

Since I got the last word, I won the argument.

Everybody knows, it’s rude to fart in public, but nobody likes being accused of farting either.  Usually people try to pretend the fart didn’t happen.  If the fart was loud, bystanders look down or make brief eye contact and try not to laugh.  If the flatulence is smelly, bystanders might hold their breath while trying not to look like they’re holding their breath.  Sometimes people have to make a decision between breathing through their noses or their mouths.  But rarely do farters get called out for their gas passing.  Accusing somebody of farting is almost as rude as farting.

I know fights over farts happen.  I got beat up once after school because I farted in class and passed the blame onto some other guy.  This other guy was quiet, so I figured he wouldn’t do anything about it.  I guess being accused of farting was his breaking point because after school he charged me, knocked me off my bike, and beat a confession out of me.  In my defense, I couldn’t build any righteous anger to fight this guy hard because I knew I was wrong, so I went ahead and admitted it.  Luckily, my family moved a few states away the next year, and my reputation as a farter didn’t follow.  At the time, my pacifist friends told me that it was a dumb reason to fight.  But it taught me a lesson; don’t accuse others of farting unless you’re ready to go all-out.

Some say that elevators are the worst bad place to pass gas because it’s such a confined space.    It would also be a bad place to get into a fight over who farted.  I have nightmares about elevators dropping, so I’d go insane if a fight over a fart ever broke out in an elevator.  Between the flatulence, the confined space, fists flying all over the place, and the elevator dropping, I’d probably panic.

The worst place to fart, even worse than an elevator, is anywhere where food is being served.  Farting in a restaurant is the worst, and farters in that situation should be dealt with.  I don’t condone violence, but sometimes farters don’t listen to reason.  I’m proof of that.  Getting farted on in a restaurant is like being seated right next to the bathroom.  If I’m seated next to the bathroom, I politely tell the waiter that I won’t spend money on an establishment that puts me next to a bathroom.  I’ll put up with a lot of errors from restaurant staff because I know it’s not an easy job, and I usually tip too much, but I refuse to be seated next to a bathroom.  I’m not sure I’d get into a fight over it though.  But if I won’t sit next to a rest room when I’m eating, then I can understand why people don’t like farting in a restaurant.

*****

Writing about farting and other body functions on my blog is a little risky because I try to avoid stuff that’s too low brow.  Usually I like to talk about literature and the writing process and stuff like that, but then I saw this story about a fight over a fart in a restaurant.  How could anybody resist that?  If I hadn’t acknowledged that brawl in some way, I might have regretted it for the rest of my life.

*****

What do you think?  Would you fight somebody who accused you of farting in public?  What’s the dumbest reason you’ve ever gotten into a fight?  What body function is too low brow to write about on a blog?

*****

When I was a kid, I was punished for saying the word crap.  Looking back, it kind of ticks me off because now I know…

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And here is the true story of my one moment of high school glory!

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From → Dysfunctileaks

9 Comments
  1. can’t wait to share with my 6 and 8 year olds. boys.

  2. I’d own it! Why not. This was a nice relief from way too much high brow content this evening.

    • The problem with owning it is that a reputation as a farter can last a long time.

      Blaming somebody else for it is wrong though. I know that now.

  3. Finally, someone else who will write about farting…. *sigh*

  4. Am I the only one who thinks it’s a necessary bodily function?
    But ok, if someone accused me of a farting I’d go grade school on them. “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Of Farts. – The Backbencher Perspective

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