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The New Year’s Resolution That Backfired

December 31, 2015
This might not be the best moment to make a New Year's resolution. (image via wikimedia)

This might not be the best moment to make a New Year’s resolution. (image via wikimedia)

New Year’s resolutions have never been a big deal to me.  It’s never made sense to wait until a new year to fix a character flaw or change a bad habit.  If I decided to make a change, I’d do it right when I thought of it and not wait for the beginning of a new year.

New Year’s Eve might not be the best time to make these decisions anyway.  The people who make New Year’s Resolutions are often drunk on New Year’s Eve and hungover on New Year’s Day, and if you’re going to commit to changes in your lifestyle, you want to be in the best frame of mind when you make these decisions.

I’m not a killjoy when it comes to the new year.  I love brand new calendars.

A couple years ago, I was watching a football game on New Year’s Eve when a wide receiver made a great catch and the announcer kept talking about the football player’s athleticism.  The announcer kept repeating the word athleticism, and it was getting on my nerves.

“ ‘Athleticism’s’ not a word!” I yelled at the television.  “It’s ‘athletic ability!’  I hate it when people make up new words.  We have enough words!”

“That’s it!” my wife declared, storming in from another room.  “I’ve had it with you yelling at the television all the time.  They can’t hear you inside the television!  Do you understand that?  They… can’t… hear… you!!!!”

I was stunned into silence.

“It’s New Year’s Eve,” my wife said.  “I want your New Year’s resolution to be to quit yelling at the television.”

I thought for a moment.  “Does that mean I don’t have to try to lose weight this year?”

“Yes!” the wife agreed.  “Just stop talking back to the television.”

“Okay,” I said.  “My New Year’s resolution this year is to stop talking to, yelling at, or making comments to the television.”

The next morning was New Year’s Day, and I was watching a parade.  I dislike televised parades, but my daughters loved them, so I got up and found my wife in the kitchen.

“Those stupid New Year’s Day parades are on,” I said to my wife.  “I hate those stupid New Year’s Day parades.”

That afternoon as I was watching football games, my favorite team blew a fourth quarter lead.  Instead of yelling at the television, I found my wife reading in another room.

“Those losers found another way to blow a game,” I complained to my wife.  “I swear I’m going to stop watching them.”

That evening as I was watching another game, I got angry at all the commercials ruining the flow of the game.

Instead of screaming at the television, I discovered my wife in the attic organizing boxes.

“These commercials are ruining the game!” I ranted.  “I know the NFL needs to make money, but you don’t have to run 5 minutes of ads every time somebody kicks a ball.  It makes the game unwatchable!”

I went back upstairs to fume at the television. A few minutes later, I overheard my oldest daughter talking to my wife in the kitchen.  I’m a pretty good eavesdropper, even during football season.

“What’s wrong?” I heard my daughter ask my wife.

“I can’t take it, him bugging me like this all the time,” my wife complained.  “And I have to wait 364 more days before I can ask him to stop.”

Armed with this information, I kept ranting to my wife for a week or so and then stopped.

A couple days after I stopped bugging her, I started yelling at the television again just to see what my wife would do, and she didn’t say anything.  Good for her, I thought.  Since then, I’ve cut back on yelling at the television because I don’t want to do stuff that gets on my wife’s nerves.  Every once in awhile, I slip up and rant, especially during football season, but overall, I’m much more relaxed now. And my wife has never asked me to make another New Year’s Resolution.

*****

What New Year’s resolution has backfired on you?  Do you even believe in New Year’s resolutions?  What New Year’s resolution would you like to try, even if it’s not officially a New Year’s resolution?

From → Dysfunctileaks

12 Comments
  1. New Years resolutions don’t backfire on me because I just don’t make them, when I see something I’m doing wrong, I try to fix it while I’m thinking about it. I like to yell at my TV too, but I don’t have anyone in my life who is annoyed by that and I kind of enjoy doing it, so that’s not ever going to be a resolution I’d make anyway.

  2. On the topic of commercials ruining the flow of a game, I have three letters for you: DVR. I can no longer watch football in real time, and I don’t know how I did it before.
    On the topic of announcers, I often turn the volume down, or off. I can’t listen to most of them anymore particularly Jon “stroke face” Gruden.

  3. Those commercials make actually attending the game almost unbearable, too. You spend most of your time watching players stand around waiting for commercial breaks to end.

  4. My New Years resolution is always the same: show people I love them always. It’s not so much a resolution as a reminder that I had a great year (or not so great) and that time and life are precious. It’s simple, but so am I 🙂

  5. One of these days I will make a new year resolution and it would be to spend as much time sleeping as possible. 😀

  6. Thing is: when I get made at the TV I eat pretzels to calm down.

  7. I never make resolutions because on the rare occasion I did, I always broke them. The best I do is a vague intention to improve something.
    For 2016, it’ll be to try to be more productive with my writing and spend less time trawling the lower reaches of the internet – fun though that is.
    Happy New Year to you and thanks for always being such an entertaining read 🙂

  8. Anonymous permalink

    I talk to the tv a lot, too. I find it either always agrees with me or else it just doesn’t respond. I also talk to our two dogs. They always, or almost always, look interested in what I have to say.

  9. I agree. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because I would rather change when I see a problem. I do like to make goals (sounds like the same thing but it’s not). I make small goals–not “lose weight” or “spend more time with family” because those are very hard things to measure. More like “blog 3 times a week” or something attainable. Happy New Year’s Eve! This was very funny and entertaining!

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