Dracula by Bram Stoker- The Best Vampire Book Ever!

You know a vampire book is awesome when there isn't even a picture on the cover! Image via Wikipedia

A beautiful woman was sleeping alone wearing nothing but a thin nightgown in the forest (don’t ask why) when she was approached on opposite sides by a vampire and a werewolf.  The vampire was thirsty for blood and reached for the beautiful woman’s neck.  The ravenously starving werewolf aimed for the woman’s thigh.  

But when the werewolf and the vampire saw each other, instead of sharing the meal, they fought. 

“The woman is mine!” the vampire said, throwing the werewolf around and digging into his flesh with teeth and nails. 

“Rrraaarrrgh!” the werewolf said, trying to tear at the vampire (to hurt, not to eat, the vampire). 

The woman awoke to the sight of the battling monsters.  A friend suddenly came to the woman’s side and tried to pull her away. 

“Why aren’t you running?” the friend asked in horror. 

The beautiful woman said, “I don’t know why, but I love it when guys fight over me.”

*****  

VAMPIRES ARE NOT SEXY 

Vampires are pasty, thin, with goofy looking teeth and sensitive skin that burns in the sunlight.  C’mon, ladies, vampires are nerds.  Give a vampire a pair of thick glasses, and you’d ask him to fix your computer (when they’re working the night shift). 

Vampires are only sexy if they’re successful with their hypnotic suggestions (hypnotic suggestions never worked with me on women, so I have to give vampires credit for this one), or if they’re rich.  Anybody who is rich and lives in a castle/mansion is sexy.  

Put a vampire in tatters and have him wash windshields on busy intersections in the middle of the city, and the vampire is not sexy. 

WHY DRACULA IS THE BEST VAMPIRE NOVEL EVER! 

Dracula by Bram Stoker 

Bram Stoker: this guy just looks like he could write agreat vampire book. Image via Wikipedia

First of all, Bram Stoker is a cool name (as long as it’s pronounced “Stoke” and not “Stalk”). 

Second of all, Dracula was written over a hundred years ago, and it’s still very readable.  Many classics are written in a formal language that’s difficult for average readers to follow, but Dracula is amazingly straightforward.  Even with its diary entries (no stick figure pictures of wimpy real estate lawyers getting bullied by vampires), Dracula is easy to follow, and has creepy moments of suspense. 

Dracula will continue to be read for hundreds and hundreds of years. 

Now let’s look at the competition. 

Interview with a Vampire (and others in the series) by Anne Rice 

These are women books.  Yeah, I know that got me in trouble a couple decades ago, but we can admit it now.  These don’t hold up over time.  Dracula holds up over time. 

WARNING FOR MEN!! 

When you are dating a literary girlfriend and she gives you a book to read (such as Interview with a Vampire or The Mists of Avalon) and then you read the book, don’t tell her that it was a woman’s book. 

When a literary girlfriend gives you a woman’s book to read, read it, and then be prepared to ask questions and discuss it for about ten to fifteen minutes.  Then when your literary girlfriend gives you another book to read (fight the “Aw, c’mon! Not again!” reflex reaction), just say, “I’m in the middle of a couple really good books (have them ready), but I’ll read this when I’m done.”

 I learned this technique before the internet (so I actually had to read the books), but now you can learn everything you need to know about just about any book (without buying notes), so you now have no excuse. 

Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer 

These get criticized a lot, but if you think of them as YA books, they’re not bad (from the parts I’ve read).  Keep in mind that most YA books are very substandard, so this isn’t exactly a recommendation.  

I also don’t think these books will be read a hundred years from now. 

Salem’s Lot by Stephen King 

This is a pretty good early King vampire book, but it doesn’t get much attention anymore.  If you’re going to read any (kind of) contemporary vampire book, this is this one. 

ALL THE REST 

At some point, I have to admit that I’m biased.  I don’t care about all the rest of the vampire hunters, vampire slayers, vampire lovers, or vampire hybrids; Dracula is the best vampire book ever.  Its relevance, its readability, and its originality are all unmatched by any contemporary vampire novel. 

It doesn’t mean that there aren’t any good vampire novels out there.  It just means that there aren’t any as good as Dracula.