The Lamest Mid-Life Crisis Ever

The idea of a mid-life crisis is kind of dumb. A middle-aged guy comes to understand his mortality so he does a bunch of juvenile, irresponsible stuff. As dumb as a mid-life crisis sounds, I’ve seen it happen.

When my dad had his mid-life crisis in his 40s, he bought a sports car and had an affair with a woman 20 years younger than he was. To be fair, he married that woman a couple years later, but he had to divorce my mom first, and that caused a few family problems.

I’m 55 years old, and I’ve never had my mid-life crisis. I almost feel like I’ve cheated myself.

I might be going the opposite direction, though. “Opposite” doesn’t mean that I’m going to have an affair with a woman 20 years older than me. I’m sure there a few horny 75 year-olds that would consider me a good cheap one-night stand, but that’s not really my thing.

Instead, I’ve strengthened my faith and I’m following the teachings of “The Sermon on the Mount” as best as I understand them. I admit, that’s kind of lame for a mid-life crisis.

Having an affair with a horny 75 year-old woman is way more interesting to most people than “The Sermon on the Mount.” At least, it would be more unusual. When I talk about my renewed faith, people nod politely and change the topic. When I mention the possibility of a horny 75 year-old woman, they get more interested.

I didn’t just decide to start examining “The Sermon on the Mount” out of nowhere. About a year ago, I started reading The Bible with the intent of completing the whole thing. As I was reading, I realized that I wasn’t interested in the stories in The Bible. The only part that stuck with me were Jesus’s actual teachings.

I didn’t care if Jesus walked on water or fed the multitudes or even if he existed; I only cared about the guidelines about how to live our lives. Now I have three versions of The Bible just to study the minor changes in word choice in Jesus’s words. I’ve even printed a few versions of ‘The Sermon on the Mount’ because each version has a word choice or an expression that fits better than what is used in other versions.

It might seem crazy (or lame) to collect versions of ‘The Sermon on the Mount.’ I’d rather do that than put on fake hair or buy a sports car or chase women who are 20 years younger (or older) than I am.

The optimistic side of me thinks maybe I haven’t hit mid-life yet. Maybe I’m going to live to 110 and beyond. I don’t know if my body can make it to 110, though. I’ve already had back surgery. I feel like I have the beginnings of arthritis and tendinitis. My brain glitches a lot (but my brain has always glitched, so that might not be age related).

On the other hand, I can’t be getting too old yet because I don’t drive with the left-turn signal on all the time. I don’t want to be one of those old drivers who cruise down the straightaways with the left-turn signal on. There’s a good work-around for that; I just don’t signal when I turn. I’d rather turn without signaling than signal and leave it on while I’m driving straight. Fortunately, that’s standard driving behavior where I live.

Just so you know, I’m kidding about not using a left-turn signal when I turn left. Some people can’t tell when I’m serious and when I’m not. That’s probably not good when I talk about the possibility of chasing women who are 20 years older than me… or when I talk about following the teachings of “The Sermon on the Mount.”

*****

Every once in a while, I write a blog post called “Old Things That Are Tough To Explain, and I almost categorized the mid-life crisis as an “Old Thing That Is Tough to Explain,” but the mid-life crisis is such a dumb idea, I don’t want to sound like I’m justifying it. Maybe the mid-life crisis is still a thing and maybe it doesn’t need to be explained, but from my point of view, even though it’s worth writing about and discussing, it’s still pretty stupid.