Awkward Moments in Dating: The Runny Nose

(image via wikimedia)

This wasn’t the best dating situation I’d ever been in.  I was on a first date with a woman named Jenny who had great cleavage and an obsession with Garth Brooks (this was before he was super famous).  We were at a Mexican restaurant that her ex-boyfriend managed.  I’d just met the ex-boyfriend (you can read more about it here), and then, as Jenny and I were eating, my nose began running.  It was the kind of itchy running that you can’t sniff back, and it was about to drop out of my nose with Jenny looking straight at me.

I could feel the downpour about to rush out onto my upper lip.  I don’t want to be gross about this, but Jenny was staring right at me.  If you think you’re disgusted reading a description of snot flowing, think how bad it would have been for Jenny to see this.  I wasn’t just trying to save my pride with what I was about to do.  I was thinking about Jenny’s feelings too.

I pointed behind Jenny toward the restaurant entrance.  “Haha!  That guy just tripped over a step,” I said.

Jenny turned around, and I wiped my nose just as the drainage dropped.  Jenny was quick and turned back to face me, catching me with the napkin at my nose.

“You’re not slick,” she said.  “You okay?”

I was mildly surprised at the question.  Women on dates usually pretended stuff like this didn’t happen.  I was still in denial mode.

“Fine,” I said, and then I accidentally sniffed really hard.  “Coke habit.”

Jenny laughed and then muttered, “You and Bob would get along.”

“I was joking about my coke habit,” I said.  I’d rather Jenny thought I had a runny nose than a coke habit.

“I know.”  But she didn’t say she was joking about Bob.  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh at that or not, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want her to think I found humor in her ex-boyfriend’s coke habit.  Picturing that goofy-looking guy snort did make me laugh internally, though.

We continued working on our fajita plate, but now we were quiet.  It wasn’t awkward because we were eating, and I don’t like to talk too much while I’m eating.  But a few bites later, the drip feeling came back. I flexed my nostril muscles silently, hoping the itch and drip would go away, but it didn’t help.  I tried a quick sniff and hoped that Jenny wouldn’t notice.

“Coke habit again?”

“I swear I haven’t touched the stuff in months.”  I was joking again, and she knew that, I was sure, but I need to know that you as a reader know that I was joking.  I usually don’t make coke jokes on a first date.

“I’m going to go wash my hands,” I said.  I really didn’t want to deal with my issues in front of her.

I rushed into the bathroom and saw that the two stalls were taken.  The urinals were available, but I needed the toilet paper.  I hadn’t brought tissue (I learned from this experience), and the paper towel dispenser was empty and the air dryer was rusty, not that it would have done any good.  What was I going to do with an air dryer?  Stick my nose under it and let the rush of hot air blow it dry?  I could hurt my neck trying a maneuver like that.

I sniffed hard and rubbed my nose with my arm, waiting for somebody to come out of the stall.  One guy was in for the long haul, it was obvious, but I won’t explain why.  I could tell from the angle of the other guy’s shoes that he was ready to come out.

I stood at the sink and pretended to wash my hands when the guy came out of the stall.  As he stepped toward the available sink, I bee-lined to the stall and closed the door.  I held my breath as I yanked a bunch of toilet paper from the roll.  I threw the first batch into the toilet, flushed it, and then stuffed the second batch into my back pocket.  Then I took a third batch and stepped out into the open area by the sinks.  I blew my nose, threw away tissue, blew my nose, threw away tissue, and blew my nose again.  I could still feel the itch.

Despite the stubborn itch, I had to return to Jenny.  She was going to think something gross was going on in here if I stayed too long.

I sniffed hard a couple times and tried a leisurely stroll back to our booth.  Crap!  Bob had sat down across from Jenny.  They were laughing about something.  She seemed comfortable with him, brushing her hair back and looking him in the eye.  To his credit, he wasn’t checking out her cleavage.  I hadn’t gotten to the point where I was used to her cleavage yet.  I hadn’t figured out yet whether I wanted to get to that point where I’d be used to her cleavage, but I wanted to make that decision myself.

I couldn’t just stand there and let Bob keep talking to my date.  He was her ex, and he was sitting in a power position at the booth, and I was in the back of the restaurant with a drippy nose.  I had to do something quick.  But whatever I did, I didn’t want to embarrass myself.  I really didn’t want to embarrass myself.

*****

To be continued  in Awkward Moments in Dating: The Misinterpreted Joke!

In the meantime, start at the beginning with Awkward Moments in Dating: The Coworker!