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University Library: Almost Cute

May 30, 2018

(image via wikimedia)

I should have been glad a female in my dorm was interested in me.  The first couple months of my college life, what I thought was going to be a crazy college sex comedy, were just new chapters of my unintentional young adult celibacy farce.  You’d think I would have jumped at the chance to have a girlfriend like Brenda.  She had spiky hair and walked around in a trench coat.  To some guys (mostly socially awkward ones in the mid-1980’s), she oozed sarcastic cool.  Instead, I found her annoying.

She tried to talk to me at the University Library almost every night.  In response, I’d get to the University Library at different times every day and take a different stairwell and then go to a different level, all just to avoid her.  I chose small tables that were already at full capacity, just so she knew she wouldn’t be able to sit next to me if she saw me.  I even pushed a cushioned chair to a back section of the stacks so that I wouldn’t be found by anybody for hours.  When a student-librarian caught me sleeping, I lied and said the chair had already been placed there when I’d found it.

One night when Brenda cornered me, I lied and said I had to do some research with microfiche (remember, this story happened over 30 years ago).  I thought for sure the microfiche would scare her off.  Nobody wanted to spend time with the microfiche.  It took true love or commitment to help somebody with the microfiche.  But she did it.  And she stayed with me with doing meaningless research with microfiche for two hours.  Brenda and microfiche for two hours.

“She wants you,” Kirk said the morning after the microfiche incident as we were getting ready for class.

“Microfiche didn’t get rid of her,” I said.  “Something’s wrong with her.  I’m okay on a good day, but I’m not good enough to put up with microfiche.”

“Maybe you should give her a chance,” Kirk said.  “She’s almost cute.  I’d do her, two beers with the spike, four beers without.”

Ted Tinkle was sitting at Kirk’s desk, eating a bowl of grapes.  “If she likes you that much, she’ll do anything.”  Then Ted Tinkle started bragging about how much his girlfriend liked him, and what she was willing to do.  Then he told a story about something crazy his girlfriend did because she liked him so much.  It was a good story, but I’m not that kind of blogger, even if this story is supposed to be a college sex comedy.

“I thought you’d like Brenda,” Ted Tinkle said after he finished the story.  He ate his grapes with such confidence that he maintained eye contact with me as he pulled several grapes out of the bowl at a time.   “She’s weird.”

“Jimmy’s not weird,” Kirk said.  Kirk probably thought I was weird, but he had to defend his roommate.  He wouldn’t have been able to handle living with a weird roommate.

“But he gets along with weird people,” Ted replied.

That was true.  I flipped out whenever anybody called me Scooter, but other than that I was okay.  I felt my blood pressure rise as I thought about the nickname Scooter when I noticed that some of the grapes in Ted’s hand were glazed with white.  Not white cream, but…

“Ted, your grapes are moldy,” I said, but it took him too long to process what I’d said and he stuffed them in his mouth and chewed.

“Ted!” I exclaimed.  “Moldy grapes!”

“What the f***?” Ted sputtered with his mouth full.  Then he shrieked and spit the chewed grapes and mold into the dish.  He held up a vine with wilted moldy grapes.  “I f***ing put these in my mouth.  Ugh, and I f***ing swallowed a bunch of them!”

“You’re supposed to look at food when you eat it,” I said.

Kirk shook his head.  “Ted Tinkle, Ted Tinkle.”

“Oh God,” Ted started huffing.  “I ate a bunch of these.  Am I gonna get sick?  Oh God.”

“You might want to force yourself to puke,” I said.  “Just to be safe.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ted said and started to put his finger down his throat.

“Not here!” I exclaimed again.  “Bathroom, Ted, bathroom!”

Ted Tinkle stumbled out of our room and ran into Brenda who had just turned into the doorway.

“Hey, Spike,” Kirk said.

“Shut up.”

I laughed.  I wanted to tell Kirk to shut up a lot too, but I had to live with him.

“What’s going on with Ted?” Brenda asked, watching him run down the hallway.  I waited for the gurgle/splatt, but it didn’t happen, at least not in the hall.

“He ate some moldy grapes,” I said.

Brenda smirked.  “He’s lucky he’s nice-looking.”  Then she turned to me.  “Hey, are you going to the comic book store?”

No, I thought.  It was Friday, the day the new shipment came in.  I always went to the comic book store after my last class on Friday.  The comic book store was only a few blocks from campus.  I didn’t even have to drive the chevette scooter.  Now Brenda was about to ruin it.

“The comic book store?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said.  “I know you collect.”

And then it happened.  I knew it was coming.  I didn’t want her to say it.  Please don’t say it, I inwardly begged, but she did.

“I collect too.”

And I knew that in order to get rid of Brenda, I was going to have to be brutally honest with her, which was going to be really awkward… or I was going to have to come up with a better plan.


To be continued in University Library: The Naked Woman in my Dorm Room.

Or you can start at the beginning with University Library: State School .

From → Dysfunctileaks

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