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University Library: Going Incognito

December 6, 2016
Nobody knew that a raunchy college sex comedy could take place in a University Library.(image via wikimedia)

Nobody knew that a raunchy college sex comedy could take place in a University Library.(image via wikimedia)

Students weren’t supposed to sleep in the University Library, but it happened a lot anyway.  If somebody on the library staff noticed us in a deep slumber or heard us snoring too loudly, they would wake us up, but if we looked like we were just dozing off while making a good effort to study, they’d leave us alone.

I was studying/sleeping at a square table in an open study room area in the University Library on a weeknight because my roommate Kirk had called from a frat party and told me he was coming back, which meant he was bringing a drunk girl into the room to spend the night with.  It was probably about 11:00 that night, which meant I’d be getting sleepy soon and I’d have to find an isolated location to doze off for a while.  There were a bunch of out-of-the-way spots where I could sleep for a few hours without being disturbed (I’ll get to that another time), but I was still trying to concentrate on reading and taking notes when I noticed an unfamiliar girl seat herself in the chair next to me and lean toward me.

“You don’t remember me?” she said.

She looked familiar, but she had startled me, and I couldn’t fit the mental pieces.  Her hair was flat and went only down to her ears.  I wasn’t wild about women with short hair, and she had a couple features that I didn’t find attractive, but I have a couple features women don’t find attractive too, so I don’t want to seem judgmental.

To make things worse, I wasn’t in the mood for a conversation, and the study room was still crowded and quiet, which meant that nobody else would appreciate our small talk either.  I didn’t want to get dirty looks from other students trying to study.

The girl pulled her hair up from her forehead.  “I usually have a spike.”  She dropped her hair.  “The elevator?”  She laughed at my bad memory.  “Your roommate slept with my roommate and never called her back.”

“That was you?” I said.

“I’m going incognito tonight.”

I would have said I liked her without her hair spiked, but the spike made her features more appealing, so I said:

“It worked.”

Normally, I’d kick myself for saying something rude and stupid, but it was late, and I was tired, and I didn’t feel like putting the effort into talking to a strange female whom I wasn’t interested in.  If she’d been cute (I know, I know, I didn’t have room to talk), maybe things would have been different.

“I just wanted to tell you that my roommate isn’t really like that.  She doesn’t sleep around.  And she doesn’t call guys assholes in public.”

I hadn’t given much thought to the elevator rage incident since it had happened.  Then I remembered what this girl looked like with her spiked hair.

“You look like the type,” I said.

“To sleep around?”

“No, to call a guy an asshole in public.  When you have your hair spiked, you look like you’d be kind of aggressive.”

“I’m not, but I’m glad people think that.”  She paused.  “People know me because of my hair.  People know Kirk because he sleeps around.”  She paused again.  “People know you because you’re Kirk’s roommate.”

Great, I thought, I needed a roommate to make me relevant.  This was nothing new.  I’d always blended in.  Even back in high school, there had been people  who didn’t know who I was.  I was rarely invited to any social gatherings in high school.  I wasn’t hated or anything.  My peers simply forgot I was there.  The good part was that I could crash any of those social gatherings and nobody would mind.  If I even got noticed, the reaction was just, “Oh yeah, there’s Jimmy.”  That hadn’t changed in college.

“I’m Jimmy,” I said, not really wanting to be addressed as Kirk’s roommate.

“Brenda,” she said.

“Kirk’s not so bad,” I said, wondering why I felt compelled to defend him.

“He treats women like shit,” she said.

“He just likes sleeping with them,” I said, looking around to see if anybody had overheard her profanity.  “Otherwise, he’s very polite.”

Brenda snorted.

“It’s true,” I said. “He holds the door open for women. He’s respectful to his mother.  He’s respectful to my mother.  And he’s protective of his younger sister. “

She curled her lips, so I continued.

“He didn’t use any foul language when your roommate was calling him names.”

She huffed.

“He never expects the woman to provide her own birth control.   And he always uses brand new condoms.”

“I almost want to sleep with him now,” Brenda said.  I could tell she was being sarcastic.  Some people can’t detect sarcasm, but I’ve always been able to recognize it.  A lot of people take sarcasm literally, and that can cause problems, but the worst people are the sarcastic ones who don’t recognize sarcasm in other people.  I knew Brenda was sarcastic, but I couldn’t tell if she would recognize my own sarcasm (because I have a monotone voice which makes everything sound literal), so I went silent and started reading again.

After a moment, Brenda said, “Your roommate slept with my roommate.”

I nodded and kept staring at my book.

“That makes us almost… something,” she said.  “Not quite family.”

I thought it made us nothing, but again, I kept quiet.

“I can feel us bonding already,” she said.

I don’t remember what we said next, but the entire conversation was awkward. Even though we used our quiet voices, I knew other people were eavesdropping and that always makes me self-conscious because I don’t want to be judged by what I say to an almost stranger.  Maybe I shouldn’t be bothered by stuff like that, but I am (not as much now as I was back then).  We didn’t even talk about anything very interesting after that, just typical stuff like our classes and dorm life.

At some point, Brenda went back to her table and left me alone.  She didn’t fall asleep on my shoulder, and we didn’t wake up naked in my dorm room or anything crazy like that.  It was just a boring conversation in a boring place between a boring guy and a girl who had to spike her hair to not seem boring.

But something was about to happen to me that was not boring at all.  And for the sake of this story, I’d better get to that soon.


To be continued in University Library: Ted Tinkle’s Girlfriend.

To read University Library from the beginning, click here!


If you don’t like being in awkward conversations (but you enjoy reading about them), you’ll probably like my ebook.

From → Dysfunctileaks

  1. “He never expects the woman to provide her own birth control. And he always uses brand new condoms.”
    That’s fantastic! Some of the few things he can say in defence of is roommate is that he doesn’t rinse and reuse condoms? Priceles.
    She’s a bit irritating, isn’t she? Still, I’m untrigued as to what happens now.

  2. This story is not boring. But yes, get on with the posting of it…
    actually I take that back. I already know what’s under the tree for me, I should have some anticipation and excitement in my life. LOL

  3. You’ve got us in suspense! Please post the next chapter!

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  1. University Library: Elevator Rage | Dysfunctional Literacy

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