The Introvert’s Guide to Dating

He doesn’t have to let her win at the board game. He DOES, however, have to make sure nothing is stuck in his teeth. (image via wikimedia)

Dating can be tough for anybody, but it was especially rough for an introvert like me.   I’ve never liked talking to people I don’t know very well.  I’ve never liked unpredictable situations.   To make matters worse, people who weren’t familiar with me have always thought I was kind of awkward.  Despite these disadvantages, I eventually I learned to thrive in the harsh world of dating.

25 years ago when I was dating, it was easy for me to tell if I was a good dater or not.  From what I had heard, a good date usually ended a certain way, and none of my dates were ending the way I had heard they should.  I knew I was getting better at dating when more of the dates started ending right.

Soon after that, I ended up with a girlfriend, and then I got another one (not at the same time), and later on I even got a fiance who became my wife.  My dating had become so successful that I had to quit dating.  If I’m lucky, I won’t ever have to date again.

Looking back, there were a few things that an introvert like me had to do to make each social outing a cringe-free experience, so here are a few lessons that I learned.

 Be the BEST version of yourself.

“Be yourself” by itself is lousy advice.  During my dating years, being myself meant reading comic books and watching football games while wearing a superhero t-shirt and baggy shorts.  Today, wearing a superhero t-shirt is socially acceptable, but it wasn’t 25 years ago.  That was a bad version of myself to use as a first impression.

The story about how I figured all this out is kind of long (60 episodes, starting here), but I eventually learned (or was taught).  Wear nice clothes.  Clean the car.  Be ready to pay for anything, and don’t complain about the price.  I wasn’t the most handsome, most fashionable guy around, but I was acceptable to the kind of woman I was dating (I had surprisingly high standards).  That by itself meant I was doing a lot better than I had been.

Stay away from unpredictable food.

Too many things can go wrong when you’re eating food on a first date.  You can spill something on an inconvenient location.  You can get food stuck in your teeth and not know about it.  Hot food can cause your nose to get runny.  Bad food might cause stomach problems which lead to embarrassing public situations.

You can’t avoid food on most first dates, but you can be careful about the food you choose.  I learned to go for thin sandwiches and fries, and I let them cool a few minutes before I eating.  Thin sandwiches don’t spill.  Fries are manageable also and don’t cause a runny nose after they’ve cooled down.  Once I found my “safe food,” I never had another food disaster on a date.

Script it out.

Sometimes my mind blanks out when I’m in unfamiliar surroundings or situations.  I’m not scared or anything.  I’m just processing, but to others, it looks like I’m freezing up.  Sometimes when I’m processing, my conversation skills deteriorate, and that can make a lousy first impression, so I learned to script a few conversation starters.

When on a date, I stayed away from the topics of weather (unless it affected the date), politics (unless I decided I wanted the date to end early), and sports (unless my date showed up wearing a jersey).  I usually had snappy patter prepared about music, entertainment news, and puppies.  I also pretended to like whatever music my date enjoyed, unless it was too sappy (in which case my date was probably testing my masculinity).

Learn to dance.

Dancing is a great skill/activity for an introvert because we don’t have to talk.

Just to be clear, I never succeeded at dancing.  When it came to dancing, I was a failure.  I think today I would be called a dancing fail.  An introvert friend of mine, however, became very good at dancing and met his first (and second) wife dancing in a certain style.  He became very good at dating, but not so good at marriage.

Me?  I couldn’t dance without injuring myself and others, so I got better at other activities like bowling, pool, and putt putt golf.  Women love beating guys at putt putt golf.  I’m not saying a guy always has to let the woman win.  In my case, I was always doing well just by keeping the games close (I’m horrible at pool, bowling, and putt putt golf), but my dating game improved drastically and led to other activities (like sunset walks and European vacations).

The point is that quiet, non-aggressive guys can find ways to succeed at dating without coming across as trying too hard.  Follow these rules (I’m sure there are more and better rules, but this is a blog and it’s free so what do you expect?) and you can be an introvert success story too!

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It has been over 20 years since I’ve had to worry about dating, so maybe some stuff has changed since then.  What advice do you have for introverts who are dating today?  Since my advice has been male-oriented, what advice is out there for the female introvert too?

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And while you’re thinking about that, here’s the perfect book to read before, during, or after a date.