I Got Cussed At By A Library Book

From the cover, it looked like such a nice book.

A few weeks ago, I opened up a book I’d checked out from the library, Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, and written on the blank sheet before the title page was a giant:

F#ck You, @##hole!

I’m used to finding tiny surprises in library books.  Old library books are like newly-discovered crime scenes; you never know what you’re going to find inside.  I’ve found dried blood, brown stains, and tiny sticky things lodged between pages.  I’ve read notes written between the lines, and I’ve even seen curse words on margins.   But I’d never seen profanity take up an entire page before.

I laughed when I saw the profanity.  After all, I was pretty sure it wasn’t directed at me.  If somebody screamed “F#ck you, @##hole!” in my face or wrote it in a book that I owned, I might get mad.  But it wasn’t in my own book, and it wasn’t aimed at me, so I laughed at it.  Profanity is funny when it isn’t directed at you.

As far as profanity goes, “F#ck you, @##hole!” is pretty standard.  It’s straightforward, and it’s very easy to think of.  It’s the perfect go-to insult when your mind is flustered and you can’t think of the perfect retort, and you don’t have time to string precise words together.  If you’re the type of person who thinks of a great zinger three-hours too late, “F#ck you, @##hole!” is a godsend.

But “F#ck you, @##hole!” shouldn’t be written in a library book.  Whoever wrote it had time to think it over.  If you’re going to write an insult, take the time to think of something original.  These library books can stay in circulation for decades.  If I were going to write profanity in a library book (and I’m not the kind of person to do that), I’d think about it until I came up with something original.  By the time I thought of something worthy, though, I probably would have lost all desire to write profanity in a library book.  Maybe that’s why it was written.  Maybe the author didn’t have time to find the inspiration to be original.

Still, the placement of “F#ck You @##hole!” right before the title page makes it look like it was the book’s title.  F#ck You, @##hole would be a great title.  I’m usually against profanity in book titles.  I think it should be used sparingly.  Sh#t My Dad Said could have been Stuff My Dad Said.  Go the F#ck to Sleep could have been Get Yourself To Sleep.  Tough Sh#t by Kevin Smith could have just been Tough!  If your book is any good, you shouldn’t need profanity in the title.

Even though I don’t approve of profanity in book titles, I’d buy a book called F#ck You, @##hole.  I’d at least read the first couple pages.  I’d proudly tell others that I’d just read it.

“I’m reading a great book,” I could proclaim.

“What is it?” my friends/co-workers would ask.

“F#ck You @##hole!” I would say, looking my friends/co-workers in the eye.

That would be a great way to maintain friendships and working relationships.

I’m not sure I’m going to like Gravity’s Rainbow.  After the “F#ck You @##hole!” graffiti,  it has nowhere to go but down.

*****

What do you think?  What’s the best/worst graffiti that you’ve ever seen?  What’s the worst thing you’ve ever found in a library book?  Should books have profanity in the titles?  Should I keep reading Gravity’s Rainbow?

*****

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