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Best James Patterson Jokes Ever!

June 7, 2015
If James Patterson doesn’t like these James Patterson jokes, he can hire some co-authors to write new ones. (image via wikimedia

If James Patterson doesn’t like these James Patterson jokes, he can hire some co-authors to write new ones. (image via wikimedia)

Wow, James Patterson has written a lot of books! Even without his co-authors, James Patterson has written more best-sellers than the average writer.  It takes a lot of talent (and other traits) to “write” around 12 books a year.  Since very few authors have matched James Patterson’s achievements (I wasn’t sure whether or not to put quotation marks around “achievements”), no other author deserves to be honored with humor (or good-natured mockery) like James Patterson .

The following James Patterson jokes might not be funny, but they are the only James Patterson jokes around (that I know of).  So by default, these are the BEST JAMES PATTERSON JOKES EVER!!!



Stephen King, John Grisham, and James Patterson were hanging out at a coffee shop bragging about how loyal their readers were.

“I could write five novels a year,” Stephen King said, “and my readers would purchase every book, no matter how poorly they were written.”

“Oh yeah?” John Grisham proclaimed.  “I could write ten novels a year, and my loyal readers would purchase every single one of them.”

“That’s nothing,” James Patterson scoffed.  “I already write 12 novels a year, and my loyal readers spend their money on all of them.”

Tom Wolfe overheard the conversation and became upset.  “You are doing your readers a disservice with your hackery,” he said.  “I took five years to write Back to Blood because I believe in giving my loyal readers my best effort.”

And with that, Tom Wolfe stormed away.

“I hate to say this,” Stephen King said, “but I didn’t think Back to Blood was very good.”

“I hate to say this,” John Grisham said, “but I spend so much time writing all my books that I don’t have time to read anybody else’s writing.”

“I hate to say this,” James Patterson said quietly, staring at Stephen King and John Grisham, “but you guys actually write all your own books?”



James Patterson was in a public place (but not a book store) when he was approached by a fan.  Even though James Patterson was a best-selling writer, most people don’t recognize authors, so James Patterson was surprised at the stranger interrupting him

“Excuse me,” the fan said.  “Aren’t you James Patterson?”

When Patterson admitted that he was indeed James Patterson, the fan gushed, “I’m a huge fan of yours!”

The fan was very loud and shook Patterson’s hand too hard.  Patterson really wanted to move on, but he was gracious and said, “Thank you.”

Even though Patterson was in a hurry, the fan seemed oblivious and just stood in his path and kept talking.

“Your Alex Cross series, it’s great,” the fan continued.  “And I can’t wait for your Zoo series on television.  And my kids love your YA books.”

Patterson was a bit uncomfortable, but he appreciated that a fan would be emotionally connected to his series.  Still, the fan kept rambling, and Patterson had places to go.

“All that money you’re giving to indie booksellers, I really really admire that kind of philanthropy,”  the fan said.

Patterson was in a hurry.  His patience was running out, but he couldn’t be rude to a fan, especially one who was so complimentary.  To make it worse, the fan kept talking and wouldn’t budge.

“I’ve read every single book you’ve ever written,” the fan bragged.

With that, James Patterson had had enough.

“Just stop right there,” James Patterson said with sudden authority.  “Now you’re going too far.  Even I haven’t read every single book I’ve ever written.”



James Patterson, Stephen King, John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, Danielle Steel, and an unknown author were competing to see who could write a 300-page novel in the fastest time.  The six authors gathered at a coffee shop, pulled out their laptops, tablets, and other assorted writing devices, and began composing furiously.

While the other authors stared at screens and tapped at keyboards, James Patterson sat back on a couch, smoked a cigar, and drank coffee.  He occasionally checked his tablet/smart phone, and then went back to smoking and drinking coffee.

After a few hours  of writing, the unknown author finally stopped and took a deep breath.  The other authors (except James Patterson) continued writing.

“Done!” James Patterson suddenly declared.  He printed out hundreds of pages of text and handed a manuscript to each of the competing authors.  James Patterson then left to take a break while the other authors judged his work.

“This manuscript is full of half-page chapters,” Stephen King said.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”

“The plot is far-fetched, and the dialogue is atrocious,” Janet Evanovich said.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”

“I can barely see my name because his takes up all the space,” the unknown author complained, squinting at the cover of the manuscript.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”


What do you think?  Which James Patterson books have you read?  When we talk about James Patterson’s achievements, should “achievements” be put in quotation marks?  What other best-selling authors should hire co-authors so that they could write more books?


The above jokes were written by the author (who is not James Patterson) of the two fine ebooks below!!

Now available on the Amazon Kindle!              Now available on Amazon!

Now only 99 cents each on the Amazon Kindle!

From → Best Jokes Ever!

  1. I would make an Umberto Eco joke but it would probably be before your time.

  2. Victor Hugo sits down with James Patterson to have a brainstorm session. Patterson starts clipping newspaper headlines and gluing them into a notebook marked ‘Novel’. Hugo gets out his fountain pen and writes page after page. They do this for hours, until Patterson runs out of newspaper, and sits there smoking a cigar. Finally, annoyed, he asks Hugo, ‘Aren’t you done yet? What are you writing?’
    Hugo looks up and says, ‘Oh. One of your lines gave me a wonderful idea for an opening paragraph.’

    • Ha! James Patterson (and his co-authors) could write ___ books in the time it took Victor Hugo to write one. I had to leave the number blank because I don’t know how long it took Victor Hugo to write a book.

      Does James Patterson smoke cigars? Both of us have James Patterson smoking cigars, and I don’t know if he does or not. Maybe we should have put a disclaimer in our jokes about James Patterson and cigars.

      • I just went with your cigar idea. DISCLAIMER: JAMES PATTERSON *and affiliates* do not recommend smoking as the way to preserve a healthy pair of lungs!
        Also, some of Hugo’s paragraphs are literally like 2 pages long. I read the unabridged ‘Les Miserables’ cover to cover. Twice. Let’s just say you can tell he was paid by the word lol.

  3. solangifozia permalink

    its true

  4. Well, one name sells and the co-author gets something out of it (if not the fame, hopefully some money). So, for the co-authors the arangement might be better, than selling nothing at all (and way better, than beeing a completely unmentioned ghost writer (if that’s even a genuine English term)). Odd nevertheless, despite the co-authors are, maybe, actually correctors? (Who do a hard job, too, so it would be an honourable move to mention them on the cover).

    Hence, what I wonder, is: Writers (most of them) can be identified by style. Do James Patterson-coopperations differ from James Patterson-allone-books?

    • That, I don’t know. I’m interested in the answer, but I don’t think I’m willing to be the one to do all that reading.

      And I don’t blame the co-authors, especially if the money is good. A writer has to do what it takes to make a living. If James Patterson offered me a job, I’d probably take it, but that bridge (if it ever existed) has already been burned.

  5. kenyonarcopeland01 permalink

    Reblogged this on kenyona "kc" copeland and commented:
    Best James Patterson Jokes Ever!

  6. He is definitely a character and can get away with riding on his coat tails or resting on his laurels… ha ha!

  7. Jolie Mason permalink

    Reblogged this on Jolie Mason.

  8. Reblogged this on demandedcriticalreviews and commented:
    Just too hilarious. Had a moral obligation to reblog

  9. I read one of James Patterson books. After spending so many years worried about my dialogue, plot, description, and secondary characters, I just shook my head. How can this guy get away with the stuff he writes?

    • Michael permalink

      Some years ago, I reviewed one of his books, and asked exactly that question! So far, I’ve read more than one of his books. He is very inconsistent, sometimes rotten, sometimes worse.

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