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A Brand New James Patterson Joke!

December 1, 2014
James Patterson's co-authors wrote five books in the time it took to take this picture.   (image via Wikimedia)

James Patterson’s co-authors wrote two books in the time it took to take this picture. (image via Wikimedia)

It’s tough to write a James Patterson joke because you know that very few people are going to get it, and the very few who do understand it probably won’t think it’s funny.  Despite these obstacles, I felt again compelled to write another…



James Patterson, Stephen King, John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, Danielle Steel, and an unknown author were competing to see who could write a 300-page novel in the fastest time.  The six authors gathered at a coffee shop, pulled out their laptops, tablets, and other assorted writing devices, and began composing furiously.

While the other authors stared at screens and tapped at keyboards, James Patterson sat back on a couch, smoked a cigar, and drank coffee.  I don’t know if James Patterson really smokes cigars and drinks coffee, but he does in this story.  He occasionally checked his tablet/smart phone, and then went back to smoking and drinking coffee.

After a few hours  of writing, the unknown author finally stopped and took a deep breath.  The other authors (except James Patterson) continued writing.

“Done!” James Patterson suddenly declared.  He printed out hundreds of pages of text and handed a manuscript to each of the competing authors.  James Patterson then left to take a break while the other authors judged his work.

“This manuscript is full of half-page chapters,” Stephen King said.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”

“The plot is far-fetched, and the dialogue is atrocious,” Janet Evanovich said.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”

“I can barely see my name because his takes up all the space,” the unknown author complained, squinting at the cover of the manuscript.  “That’s typical James Patterson.”


Cough, cough!  Okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these.  I guess I’m a little rusty.

From → Jokes/Generic

  1. I feel like I should have seen that coming. But I didn’t. I like it! Of course, I like anything that makes fun of James Patterson. But that was pretty clever.

  2. Knew what you were going to say from the start. It’s what everyone always says about him.

  3. As I was running a fever and sicker than a dog with the stomach flu I managed to write five pages….that is, five pages doubled spaced! Ha. Loved this…I thought it was funny. But then again, I am fever ridden!

  4. Reblogged this on karen alyse – unconditionally me and commented:
    This is so great ohmygosh.

  5. I liked it.
    It was funny.
    Have you noticed I’m writing this e-mail in JAMES PATTERSON paragraphs?

  6. Excellent way to start a Monday morning. Thanks 😀

  7. who is Janet Evanovich ?
    Reading James Patterson at this very moment (in my car while waiting for someone to show up) the book is titled: I, Alex Cross. The one that has three adverbs in one sentence, I mentioned it before. Poor Caroline.

    • Janet Evanovich is a hilarious author who writes the Stephanie Plum series on her investigating skills. She is hilarious if you can get past her potty mouth. I have to say that recently her number series have not been as bad the first 12 and surprisingly, I honestly think they are not as funny. Could the potty mouth been the funny part? but here are some great scenes. Starting with One for the money and two for the Dough. I think her latest in twenty or twenty one. I encourage you to read her, if like I said if you can get through the potty mouth.

      • Thanks for the info. I will look her up. I have no problem with potty mouth as long is it’s done in a witty way and with the right doses of sense of humor. And scattered across the page in proper intervals, it could carry the story pretty well.

  8. Nice! You got it spot-on. 🙂

  9. Reblogged this on A Bright Ray of Hope and commented:
    Ha! Any other not-so-fans of this guy (or at least, his current approach to writing novels) out there?

  10. I actually love James Patterson books, but… I wonder if James Patterson books that i like or the authors who actually write them. I dont know if I have read a complete book that him and only him has written.

  11. Hahaha! I loved this!

  12. Violet Hunter of The Copper Beeches permalink

    LOL! 🙂

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