The Introvert’s Guide To Protesting
There might be some protesting today or tonight or tomorrow. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s what I hear. I’m not a fan of protests. I mean, I don’t like social injustice, but I don’t like loud people either, and protesters are often loud, so I usually stay away from protests, even if I agree with the protesters.
Protesters might say that I’m part of the problem since I’m not taking action, but I’d say that they’re part of the problem because most of the time their protests make things worse. Maybe both of us are right and wrong at the same time.
Since I’m a quiet guy, the only protest I’d join would be a silent, moving protest. I could go along with that. I could battle social injustice if my surroundings were calm and serene. I’d even agree to not read a book while I was there. Protesters might think that I wasn’t taking it seriously if I was reading a book while we were fighting social injustice. The more I think about it, the more I believe that maybe introverts like me should try the silent, moving protest.
What’s so awesome about a silent protest?
First of all, no slogans. Stupid slogans are one of the most annoying aspects of protesting, and you can’t have slogans if you’re marching silently. American slogans are usually pretty stupid.
“What do we want?”
“An end to social injustice!”
“When do we want it?”
Well, that never works. Every once in a while a protester thinks of a clever slogan (“Hey, George, stay out of my…”), but then it gets repeated so many times that it becomes annoying. With the silent protest, nobody becomes annoying, unless a bunch of mimes show up determined to ruin everything.
Also, no violence is important. Anytime that I’m in a large crowd, I’m paranoid that I’m going to get conked on the head. I’ve been conked on the head before, and it was a horrible experience. I’ve vowed that I will do anything reasonable to make sure I never get conked on the head again.
It’s tough to get a mob riled up enough to commit violence during a silent protest. Most violence is loud, and any noise would be noticed during a silent protest. I would feel pretty safe in a silent protest. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get conked on the head at a silent protest, unless I show up as a mime.
No property damage would be pretty nice. I can park my car near a silent protest and not worry about it getting overturned, broken into, keyed, tire slashed, or defecated on. There’s nothing worse than spending an afternoon with a bunch of shrill screamers denouncing injustice, and then returning to find my car upside down, on fire, with a big load of steaming defecation on it.
That’s the problem with protesters who vandalize. They don’t care whose property they destroy.
Constant moving around might also help. The silent protest is a quiet march through a public place. I like walking on a nice day. When people are walking, they have to keep moving and usually won’t cause any trouble. Most problems at protests occur because people are just standing around, and when people are standing around, they get irritable and tempers flare.
During a silent protest, when you’re marching and the police tell you to move, you can smile pleasantly and whisper, “We’re already moving, officer,” and there’s a sense of good-will.
If people are standing around shouting slogans and the police tell you to move, some troublemaker who just took a dump on the sidewalk will say something derogatory to the cop, and the next thing you know, pepper spray’s flying around and protesters are getting conked on the head (sometimes by other protesters). Like I said, I hate getting conked on the head.
I prefer no bodily waste at a protest. When people are marching, there’s no time to urinate or defecate on the streets. Everybody’s on the move, and anybody who tries to stop to urinate in public is going to get pushed or nudged. Nobody likes to get pushed or nudged while urinating.
I have never understood how a guy could urinate in public during a protest anyway. Even if I wanted to urinate in public during a protest, I’d probably get stage fright and stand around too long in that compromising position, and I’d end up getting arrested for public lewdness.
I wouldn’t want to try explaining that one to the judge. I’m pretty sure if I go to a protest, it needs to be a silent protest.
I respect the protesters in other countries. Protesters in other countries have more to lose when they protest than Americans do. If we protest, we might get arrested or pepper sprayed, but that just means we can sue the government and get a cash payout in a few months. Protesters in other countries risk getting shot or having their families disappear, and I don’t think they have the option of suing their totalitarian governments. Protesting in other countries can have serious consequences, so I respect almost anybody who’ll do it, as long as they’re not chopping off heads and burning people alive (or anything like that).
The protesters from other countries could even shout stupid slogans (I wouldn’t understand them if they shouted them), and I would still respect them. That’s how much I respect the protesters from other countries.
What do you think? Would you attend a silent moving protest (if you agreed with the cause, of course)? Do you attend loud protests? Am I part of the problem by not joining loud protests? Does the modern protest (loud with property damage) ever make things better?
If you need something to read during your silent protest (or during a loud protest or even during an all-out riot), start off with Nice Things.