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My Wife Found A Sex Scene That I Wrote

July 10, 2014
WARNING: The following contains some adult content, but probably not as much as you want. (image via Wikimedia)

WARNING: The following contains some adult content, but probably not as much as you want. (image via Wikimedia)

My wife found a sex scene that I wrote. I didn’t mean for anybody to find it. I have a wife and two kids, so I tried to hide the adult scene by putting it in a document titled Taxes-1992. I was pretty sure nobody was going to open a document titled “Taxes-1992.” If you don’t want anybody to read something you write, just put “Taxes” somewhere in the title. My wife said she found it because she was wondering why we still had 1992 taxes on our computer. That’s what I get for trying to be slick.

The situation was awkward because my wife wasn’t in the adult scene. It involved a former girlfriend (before I met my wife) in a blog serial that I wrote called “The Literary Girlfriend.” Maybe it was uncomfortable for my wife to read an adult scene that involved another woman. My wife never met Danielle/Daniella (the ex-girlfriend), but she knows about her, and my wife doesn’t like her. I understand. I don’t like my wife’s ex-boyfriends either, and I’ve never met them (or read any blog serials about them). I don’t even like her current platonic male friends. If my wife ever wrote a sex scene involving an ex-boyfriend, I’d probably get jealous, especially if she wrote the guy as a stud.

Maybe I should write a sex scene with my wife in it and leave it someplace where she would find it, but with my luck, one of my kids would see it. That would be a nightmare. When you have kids, you have to be careful with everything, even writing. I don’t want to traumatize my kids. That’s why I buried my adult scene with a bunch of taxes. Maybe I should rewrite the whole thing in code so that if it’s found, it wouldn’t make any sense. Then again, that could backfire as well. Kids are better at breaking codes than adults (I don’t know if that’s true; I just made that up). If the kids figured out that the gibberish was a code, they might become determined to crack the code. And that would be a nightmare for everybody.

It’s tough to write a good adult scene. You have to find phrases that don’t sound too vulgar (unless you like that kind of thing) or find euphemisms that don’t make readers laugh (unless you take your euphemisms seriously). In preparation, I read a bunch of adult scenes from various novels and websites, and most of them weren’t very good. Maybe I’m immature, but I laughed at a bunch of the adult scenes. It’s tough to write about certain body parts and doing things with those body parts without using silly words and euphemisms.

Several authors used the term “manhood.” I laughed (internally, not out loud) whenever I read the term “manhood.” I’ve called the body part that “manhood” refers to many things, and I won’t list them here because Dysfunctional Literacy is not that kind of blog, but I’ve never used the word “manhood” (until today). There are a bunch of other words that authors could have chosen. Some men that I know have even named their body part that is sometimes referred to as “manhood.” I’d never do that. I’ve never named a body part. I have a weird-looking big toe that’s triple-jointed and grosses everybody out. It’s a unique feature. If I were to name a body part, I’d name my weird, triple-jointed big toe, but I’ve never named it. And if I’ve never named my weird, triple-jointed big toe, then I’ll never name my “manhood” (unless it becomes triple-jointed).

Women’s features are also tough to write about. When my oldest brother found out that I wanted to be a writer, he suggested that I use the phrase “twin cones of pleasure.” I don’t know if my oldest brother made up the term “twin cones of pleasure,” but he thinks he did, and he wants credit for it. When he read my first ebook, he got mad that I didn’t use the phrase. I probably could have. My first ebook was meant to be humorous, but I still couldn’t find the right place for “twin cones of pleasure.” Maybe my ebook would have sold better if I had just named it Twin Cones of Pleasure!!!!! and then put a cleavage shot on the cover. At least my oldest brother would have been happy. But then he would have wanted a split of the ten dollars that I made.

At any rate, I had never written a sex scene before. Intimacy is referred to a lot in “The Literary Girlfriend,” but there aren’t any truly adult scenes. The closest was a segment called The Literary Girlfriend: The Book Report, which describes the beginning of our first night together. One commenter after that scene hoped that the story would get “good and pornographic.” Well… the first scene that the commenter wants has been written, but if it ever gets published, it goes into the ebook version of “The Literary Girlfriend,” not the blog. I’m sorry, but there are certain things that I don’t write about for free.

I didn’t want to ask my wife if the adult scene was any good. If you have to ask, then you already know the answer. But she told me that if I wrote more adult scenes, she wants to read them. I take that as a good sign.

*****

What about you? Have you ever written an adult scene? Do you giggle when you read adult scenes? Is it a sign of immaturity to laugh at terms like “manhood” and “twin cones of pleasure”? Have you ever read a really good adult scene? What terms did it use? Please use discretion if you choose to answer.

*****

UPDATED on November 7, 2015

Here it is, the one and only sex scene I’ve ever written!!  You can now find it (and much more) in my ebook Nice Things.

Now available on the Amazon Kindle!!

Now available on the Amazon Kindle!!

37 Comments
  1. Before we were married, my wife bought me a romance novel called The Bewitched Viking as a joke because I’d made fun of the cover (which featured a Fabio-looking guy coyly giving the reader the “come hither” with his finger). If I remember correctly, the opening line made some sort of mention about of a king with a crooked “manroot.”

  2. The most adult scenes I’ve ever read were in The Casual Vacancy. I never thought I’d put something by J.K. Rowling down, but I did.

    • I haven’t read it (or even heard much about it). Was it too graphic, or were the scenes poorly written? At any rate, at least she didn’t put those scenes in the Harry Potter books. That would have messed people up.

      • I just thought it was really graphic and I didn’t really understand the plot anyway. I thought it would be really good since it’s J.K. Rowling and all, but she went in a completely different direction.

        My mom didn’t want me to read it because she knew about the sex and drug references, so I was sneaky and had my school library order it 😉

  3. I’ve actually done the same thing, but the timeline was different: I’d already written the scene, years before, about an old girlfriend, when my current girlfriend found it. I just bullshitted my heart out and said that it was in fact about her, worked a charm! It didn’t mention names, though, and was just vague enough to be plausible. I used words such as ‘breast’, ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ which, in retrospect, made the thing sound like a Mills and Boon instruction manual.

    • That was very wise of you, not using names and giving yourself some room for BS. I didn’t think I’d need to BS because I really thought the scene was safely hidden by taxes.

  4. You know, if your wife enjoyed the adult scene you wrote (even if it was about your ex), maybe all you have to do to break through as a writer is to write more adult scenes, if 50 Shades is any indication.

    • I agree. It wouldn’t be right to have only one adult scene in an ebook, so if I write one, then I’d better write several. But I’ll only use them if I think (or if my wife thinks) they’re good.

  5. When I was in college, my friends and I developed these characters based around the sins. They asked me to write a sex scene for one of the pairs. I was awkward and embarrassed about it but eventually did. I wish I could find it now, because I’m pretty sure it would give me a great laugh, but also because I was quite clever with my word choice. My friends loved it btw. It wasn’t pornographic or anything; it was meant to be emotional, but I was still so embarrassed to show them. Even now I cringed a little when I realize that I need to write a hot, romantic moment. I’m just so awkward.

    • If you could write an adult scene with clever word choice when you were in college, then you’re way better than most people. If I had written an adult scene while I was in college, it would have been… it would have been… pretty bad.

      • Fortunately, I was a well-read and mature college student. It happens when your parents have you in their teenage years and thus don’t understand what limitations or child-appropriate mean. For example, I watched my first rated R movie with sex in it at the age of seven. However, I was aware of too many things at a small age, it made me a lot better at handling things as I grew up.

  6. This is the first time I’ve been glad my husband is basically computer illiterate. He’d wouldn’t have a clue how to find or open a file. So if I ever write a sex scene, I can just title it “Sex Scene.”

    • The meanest thing you could do (if your husband WAS computer literate) is to title the document “Sex Scene” and then put your taxes in it. What a disappointment!

  7. Myth permalink

    My boyfriend doesn’t like to read. So I am safe. I only write novels so any sex scenes would be somewhere in there… he would have to get through a whole damn novel, which would not happen. It would not matter if he did. Likely would make the poor fellow blush. I write fantasy fiction though so any romance or sex scenes are all sub plots to my main story line… they cannot be too details, and I cannot use vulgar language obviously but I do shy away from real corny euphemisms as well.

  8. Asked my adult daughter to be my ‘perfect reader’ for my manuscript – ‘can’t wait,’ she said. I added there were sex scenes – ‘ooh no, I’m not reading that.’

  9. annabelmcquade permalink

    I’m completely incapable of writing sex scenes, and so I don’t – the last attempt ended in me realizing I’d forgotten to have both of them take their clothes off. Which is… sort of awkward, if nothing else…
    Anyway, my novel turned out YA, and I get angry with my character if it’s implied she did anything beyond hand-holding, so it’s unlikely ever to feature.

  10. I don’t envy your dilemma. I hope she isn’t too angry. I think if it had been a fictional lady you’d be better off. You might write something for your wife that trumps it. To be honest, I don’t think spouses or partners should read sex scenes until the book is published or if they are beta reading (only if they can be objective). My sister is the only one I let read my first drafts, which includes sex scenes. I don’t blame you for hiding it. A spouse’s outlook is often not constructive, objective, or even helpful. They get too offended and read too much into it.

    • My wife seems to be handling it well. If she’s not, she’s hiding it well.

      • Good to hear. I think writing with partners and kids is a major challenge. Without even going into the potential jealousy issues, the noise and division of time can be a big stress. I have a five year old. Luckily too young to start opening my files. Don’t have to worry about hiding those sex scenes yet. lol Best of luck to you.

  11. I’ve never laughed so hard!! Twin Cones of Pleasure, I would’ve peed my pants if I saw that in a book. I read allot of “smut-tastic” books and I’ve come across some really good ones and some REALLY bad ones but overall I think what determines the “language” used is the type of book. If it’s hardcore let me punish your “womanhood with my manhood” using the most common slang would suffice and if its more romantic then you just find happy girly ways to describe what’s going on, although if I ever read Manroot I probably would ending up peeing my pants again

  12. Elan Mudrow permalink

    You might consider getting your own computer, complete with password. I was surprised you didn’t have your own. And you kids use the same computer you write on? What if they accidentally deleted that novel you had been working on for the last ten years?
    But with sex scenes, I tend not to mention specific parts by name, but make subtle action sentences that either include senses or emotion. I guess it depends on what affect you want from your reader. Do you want to get them horny or have them fall in love with a character?
    tricksterchase.com

  13. My wife and I wrote an erotica story together, alternating chapters. It was fun, though I usually hate writing or even reading sex scenes. Maybe you could collaborate!

  14. I was embarrassed enough at church in February, when we studied Song of Solomon’s “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies.” I would roll my eyes if my husband said that to me. Of course, you only want a sex scene written about you if you look good. None of the folks wearing pajamas at Walmart right now would warrant a sex scene. I guess it’s like adult movies; you only want to read/hear about the beautiful people, not sagging boobs like Red Chili Pepper socks or low-slung man pouches, waiting for blue pills to take effect.

  15. lexc13 permalink

    I’ve always thought writing sex scenes and such is difficult. I always think it sounds cheesy and have the same problem with describing things without using standard cliches or just sounding vulgar. Though I really just avoid it, sometimes I think adding a little humor helps it seem more authentic. Maybe it’s just me but in real life things are not hot and sexy but messy and ridiculous at times.

  16. I was walking through a mall today, and while admiring some ‘Twin Cones of Pleasure’ it occurred to me that a bra should be referred to as a ‘Tittie Holster’. Not sure if I made that up or not, but it made me giggle at the time.

  17. What’s wrong with manhood. It’s cute (haha). “Thrust my manhood.” I used that one once in a story on my blog.

    My wife reads all my stories, and all my stories is about sex. It’s somehow flattering if you can still make your wife a little jealous.

  18. I wrote sex scenes I forgot about and then got jealous of myself….it’s tough being me.

  19. This is hilarious. That is all.

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  21. I find sex scenes in books to be humorous at best, and often pretentious and repetitive. (Cue Beavis and Butthead giggling “She said ‘Tit'” Heh heh…) I’m that obnoxious person in the porn theater (yes, I have gone to one with my current significant other, but I’m not writing about THAT for free… ) who sits there critiquing like the characters in Mystery Science Theater 3000.

    I’ve done partial sex scenes so far, the do a cheap cutaway and return. I may do a full one some time, but so far, I’m just a literary tease. For precisely the reasons you’ve stated – I don’t want my kids reading them!

    By the way, you can password protect individual documents in Microsoft Word. Or at least you could in the edition I used when I wrote my one and only novel (so far). I haven’t tried in Word 2013 yet, but I’m guessing it’s still possible…

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