Michael Moore Wins Raffle for Dinner with Obama
When it was announced that filmmaker and documentarian Michael Moore was one of the four winners of the Obama donor raffle, President Obama was not amused.
“Let me be frank. This informal dinner was supposed to be for the average working-class American,” Obama said. “How did Moore win?”
“It was random, but it could have been worse,” said an aide. “New Jersey Governor Chris Christie also won, but we thought that was a joke, so we threw his name out.”
The White House chef breathed a sigh of relief.
When the first lady informed Obama about the dinner menu, the president objected. “Let me be clear. This is my meal. I choose what goes on the menu.”
“Let me be clearer,” Michelle Obama said. “The public will know what you choose to eat at this meal, and what you choose will be inappropriately unhealthy. I do not want my agenda to be mocked because you cannot control your food impulses in public.”
Obama nodded and reluctantly agreed to Michelle’s menu.
When the guests arrived for the informal dinner, Michelle had the White House staff bring out a spread of sun-dried tomatoes with spinach leaves, broccoli spears, tuna salads, and salmon plates, but Michael Moore ignored the food as he spoke. Instead, he kept a microphone in Obama’s face. At least, he kept it as close as the Secret Service agents would let him get to the president’s face.
“You have started more illegal wars than George W. Bush. How does it feel to be a war criminal?” Moore asked.
“Let me be frank, I…”
“And you extended the George Bush tax cuts for the rich. How does it feel to be a Wall Street Republican pawn in a Democrat mask?”
“Let me be clear, uh, give me time, I…”
After a few more such questions, the first lady had had enough. “Bring out the president’s meal,” she demanded.
Chili, pizza, and pitchers of beer were placed in front of Michael Moore, but those who thought he would stop talking in order to eat were shocked at what happened next.
Without missing a beat, Moore stuffed pizza and chili into his mouth and continued to ask questions. The president and other onlookers were stunned at his voracious appetite and disgusted by the chunks of sloppy food that flew out of his mouth as he spoke.
Unfortunately, since Moore was speaking to President Obama, the president was the target of much mouth debris, and he had to dodge food, his head bobbing and weaving like President Bush at an Iraqi shoe factory. Secret Service agents eyed each other, wondering if they should remove Moore as a potential threat to the president.
After Moore was finished eating, he thanked the president but then said he would use the video he took in his next feature film.
“Not so fast,” the first lady said before Moore could leave. She then showed Moore the video she had taken of him eating and talking at the same time. Moore was appalled at how disgusting he looked and knew his career would be over if the public ever saw this footage. But at the same time, he was outraged.
“You mean to tell me that if I show my selectively edited footage of me questioning President Obama, then you’ll show your selectively edited footage of me eating? That’s blackmail.”
“No, that’s the Chicago way,” said President Obama.
Moore agreed to turn over the footage to the White House, but as he was about to leave, he cautiously whispered to President Obama, “I’m not about to die in a car accident or in a suspicious fall or anything like that, am I?”
“No,” President Obama laughed. “If we’d wanted you harmed, Michelle would have cooked your meal.”