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Best Porn Jokes Ever!

March 5, 2012
Tera Patrick, American porn star. Taken at the...

Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this starlet, pretend you don’t recognize her. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia

You have to be careful when telling a porn joke.  Pornography is a sensitive issue (no pun intended, really!), so you have to be precise in subject matter and language.  A person doesn’t have to watch pornography to know that porn is funny.  Porn mustaches are goofy, and the actresses are fake (in numerous ways).  The following jokes might not be the funniest porn jokes ever, but since the purest of souls can laugh at them without feeling guilty (I think), these are some of the BEST PORN JOKES EVER!

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FIFTY SHADES OF PORN

A woman walked into the bedroom and caught her husband watching an adult movie (he was just “watching,” so you don’t have to imagine anything unseemly).

“I told you not to watch that in here,” the wife said, disgusted.

“I was just flipping channels,” the husband replied.  He was feeling defensive and was going through his list of excuses when he noticed the book that his wife was holding.

“You’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey,” the husband said.  “What’s the difference between that and this video?”

“It’s literature,” the wife said.  “It’s a book, so it’s automatically better.”

“Let’s see,” the husband said and read the novel for a few minutes.  “The dialogue is cheesy.  The plot is contrived.  And the adult encounters in this book are more unrealistic than what I was watching.  Really, there’s not much difference between my adult video and your book.”

“Oh yeah?” the wife said, turning to watch the video (the husband hadn’t bothered to turn it off).

After a few minutes she paused the video and said, “The music is cheesy. You can hear the director giving instructions to the actress.  The video keeps changing angles too quickly.  The close ups are of things I don’t want to see close up.  And the lighting is really poor.”

The husband bit his lip, perplexed.  Then he turned the video back on and stared at it for a moment.

“Wow,” he said.  ‘I didn’t even know this video had music.”

*****

FOUR GENERATIONS OF PORN

A guy was in a clothing store waiting for his girlfriend to finish trying on outfits when he decided to watch something on his iPad.  As he sat down to watch his video, the scantily clad female on his iPad screen grunted and moaned loudly, getting the attention of everyone in the store.

Embarrassed, the guy muted the video and continued to watch.  An older gentleman sat down next to the guy and whispered, “You’re lucky.  When I was your age, I couldn’t get porn on a computer device.  I had to go to an adult video store to rent porn.  Anybody driving down the street could see you, and that could be embarrassing.”

An even older gentleman sat down on the other side of the guy with the iPad.  “You don’t know how lucky you are,” the second older gentleman said.   “When I was your age, if I wanted to watch porn, I had to go to a dark, dirty movie theater and pray that nobody I knew saw me go in or come out.”

A really old gentleman sat down across from the three other men.  This gentleman was so old that his voice trembled as he spoke.  “When I was your age, we didn’t even have adult movie theaters so if I wanted to watch porn, I had to make a couple sock puppets and sew attachments to their…”

The guy with the iPad was so disgusted that he got up and left the three older gentlemen to discuss their various methods of watching porn.

When the guy’s girlfriend came out of the fitting room, she was upset.

“I heard that moaning on your iPad,” the girlfriend said.  “I can’t believe you were watching pornography in public.”

“I wasn’t even watching porn,” the guy said, showing his girlfriend the iPad screen.  “I was watching women’s tennis.”

*****

WHY DO MEN WATCH PORN?

A married couple with numerous issues to work on visited a counselor.  After the initial politeness, the counselor got the wife to start talking.

“He spends too much time watching porn,” the wife said, referring to her husband (of course).  “It makes me feel devalued.  It’s like he’d rather watch those skanky women than be intimate with me.”

“I don’t mean to make you feel that way,” the husband said to his wife.  “I watch porn because you’re not always available to me in an intimate way, and I don’t want to burden you with my advances every day when you’re only interested a couple times a week.  I can quit if you really want me to.”

Then the husband added, “But if I quit watching porn, I want you to quit watching those reality shows with those trashy rich women and those trashy backstabbing housewives.”

“It’s not the same thing,” the wife said defensively.  “Those shows are my guilty pleasures.  I love you, but our life together is boring, and these women do exciting things, and I live vicariously through them.”

After much sharing and honest discussion, the wife stepped out for a moment.  The counselor turned earnestly to the husband and said, “You and your wife learned a lot about each other today.”

“Yeah, I learned how much she really loves her reality shows,” the husband said.  “And I learned when I can watch my porn without getting caught.”

*****

PORN STAR THREATENS TO GO ON STRIKE

A male porn star with a tacky fake double entendre name was discussing his profession with a female who was not involved in the industry.  She was a platonic friend, kind of disturbed by what the porn guy did for a living, but intrigued enough to maintain (nonphysical) contact with him.  She knew her porn star friend had been upset when production was shut down because another porn star had tested positive (which was bad), but now that the positive porn star had retested negative (which was good), filming was back on.

“The producers are talking about forcing us to wear condoms,” the male porn star said in disgust.

“Oh God,” the female said.  “Please don’t complain about how wearing a condom affects your sensitivity.”

“You shouldn’t say ‘Oh God’ to me,” the porn star said, leering.  “I don’t like condoms because they mess up my timing.  And in my business, timing is everything.”

“Ick,” the female said.

“You know what rhymes with ‘ick’.” the porn star said, leering again.  “If they force me to wear a condom, I might go on strike.”

The female laughed.  “You’re not irreplaceable, you know.  They can get any guy to do what you do.”

“Every guy might want to do what I do, but not every guy can do what I do the way I do it,” the porn star said, winking at the female friend.  “And what I do is not something you can just CGI.”

“Why not?” the female friend asked.  “CGI would make the industry safer, and nobody would have to worry about their timing.  Why can’t you be replaced with computer-generated imagery?”

The porn star stared crestfallen for a moment, but then the weird smirk returned to his face.  “They can’t replace us because CGI makes everybody look creepy.”

*****

PORN DIRECTOR’S NIGHTMARE

A porn actress had just finished her scene(s) for the day when the director called her over.  After a short conversation, it was pretty clear that the director was expecting the actress to engage in some performance art with him but not in front of the cameras and for no pay.  Since the actress did not perform for free, she declined, and the director threatened her, saying that she would never find another job in the business again (an empty threat, but still a threat).

“That’s sexual harassment,” the porn actress said.  “And I don’t have to take it anymore.”

“Sexual harassment in porn is like crying in baseball,” the director said.  “And there’s no crying in baseball.”

“I’m studying to become a lawyer,” the actress replied (she might not have been telling the truth).  “And you have just created a work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile to me.  If you continue, I will find a high profile lawyer, and I will own this studio by the time I’m finished with you.”

After much apologizing on the part of the director, the actress left with a lot of extra money for no extra work.  The director shifted and sighed.

“A work environment that is uncomfortable and hostile?” the porn director thought.  “If men weren’t uncomfortable or hostile around women, there wouldn’t be a need for porn.”

*****

Ron Jeremy, taken at the premiere of the movie...

Guys, if you’re out with your wife or girlfriend and you see this gentleman, pretend you don’t recognize him. It’s for your own good. Image via Wikipedia

*****

Before I wrote “Best Porn Jokes Ever,” I told a bunch of stories about…

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From → Best Jokes Ever!

13 Comments
  1. Some great jokes, especially the spoof of ‘Fifty Shades of porn…I mean Gray’! just because you can read Fifty Shades’, doesn’t mean you should…but when the movie comes out, break out the Astroglide!

  2. Hehehehehe……Loved these…
    xx
    Sooz

  3. You never heard of ‘Astroglide’? Then you abviously don’t know porn as well as you think you do. Look it up!

  4. I don’t think you’ve heard this porn joke )

    A young, talented but penniless composer gets a phone call from a film director, a chance acquaintance from long ago. “Can you write some nice music for the credits part?”, asks the director. “My movie is out in two weeks, and the composer I’d signed up was snitched away by Coppola!”

    “Sure!” says the excited composer (due to pay his rent in a week). “Just give me an idea about the movie”.

    “Well, it is pretty simple. At the beginning I show a yellow leaf struggling against the autumn wind. Then I have all the action and at the end, I show the leaf again, but this time it gets torn off the tree and then it spirals down to the pavement. Close up on the leaf, and then the credits roll down with your music”.

    In a week the composer sends out his music, a piece that he is proud of, because it is a celestially beautiful, wrenching-your-heart-out kind of music. Oscar quality.

    The film director calls back. “Hi, dude, that was Oscar quality piece! Thank you! Please come to the premiere show, I’ve sent you an invitation”.

    So, in a week the composer dresses up and goes to the cinema. Strangely, there’s almost no one, but an elderly couple in the theatre. Perhaps, they are all at a reception, thinks the composer and takes his chair.

    The movie begins with the yellow leaf struggling against the wind. Then a boy and girl walk in, and start having sex. Then another couple joins them and they have sex with each other. Then a dog runs into the frame and they all have sex with the dog, and then the dog has sex with them all.
    Then, there’s a close-up on the yellow leaf, which spirals down to the pavement, and final credits roll down, accompanied by the Oscar-quality, celestially beautiful, wrenching-your-heart-out music.

    The light is on, the composer is red in the face, absolutely humiliated, thinking “oh god, oh god, oh god, what I do I tell my friends, my family?!” – he stands up and walks to the exit, trying not to be seen.

    The elderly couple doesn’t move, petrified. They are sitting deep in their chairs with absolutely white, shocked, stoned faces, and saucer eyes. They look up at the composer when he scuffles past them. He gets redder in the face and stammers, “it was, you know, music. My music. The music was mine. Just the music!!!”.

    “And the dog was ours”, says the old man in hollow voice. “just the dog…”.

  5. I liked your “jokes”. They seem more a commentary on human nature and sexuality. Very spot on.

  6. Women’s tennis really does sound like porn. And you should watch the Nailing Your Wife video

    http://www.spike.com/video-clips/gaxcss/james-gunns-pg-porn-pg-porn-comedy-series-nailing-your-wife

    Enjoy!

    • Haha! Thanks. When I first posted Best Porn Jokes Ever, I was going to use a picture of that actress (in the video) at the top, long before I even knew about this particular video, but I chose the actress whose picture I chose instead. I really hope that sentence makes sense.

  7. Now that was high quality comedy.

  8. Hilarious. Enjoying your site. Have a great day.

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