This is a university library, but it is not the university library that this story is about. (image via wikimedia)
Every college graduate has that unique story to tell. It could be about getting drunk and waking up in a strange place, or cramming for exams, or pulling a prank, or seducing a professor (or getting hit on by a professor).
I’ve never told my unique college story. Nobody knows about my college story, except for a bunch of people from college, none of whom I’ve kept in touch with. My wife, my parents, my siblings, none of them have heard this story yet. I’m quiet but not secretive, so you know if I haven’t told this story yet, it has to be kind of bad.
First of all, I was supposed to go to a private university. It wasn’t as prestigious as an Ivy League school, but it was (and still is) very much respected. It’s also expensive, and though my high school grades were good, they weren’t stellar and my extracurricular activities were weak (I had an after school job), so I didn’t get the scholarship money that I was hoping for.
My family was in that middle ground where my parents made enough money to make me ineligible for most financial aid, but we couldn’t afford to pay the private university’s costs, not without some outside help. So at the last minute, I decided to go to the state university. With a reasonable student loan and by working part-time jobs, my parents could help me out enough for me to go there. It was better than nothing.
The state university was okay, but we called it the state school. The state school had a decent reputation, but almost anybody could get in, and I’d never had a desire to go there. I was proud to have been accepted to the private university, and I had wanted to prove that I belonged there, so I was disappointed.
Looking back and considering the profession I chose, it’s a good thing I went to the state school. The private university wouldn’t have given me much of an advantage (except for the possible networking), so I saved myself a bunch of student loan money. Back then in the 1980s, you paid off your student loans or else.
The only reason I mention this is that I went in to state school as a freshman without a prearranged roommate. My high school friends going to the state school had already worked out their roommate situations. Since I had waited so long to enroll, it was too late for me to make my own roommate arrangement. My roommate was going to be picked by the school at random.
I’d heard a bunch of horror stories about random roommates. It didn’t matter what gender you were, a random roommate could make college a living hell. My roommate (once I got to know him) didn’t make me miserable, but he had an impact, and this story wouldn’t have happened the same way without him.
I’ve written a story about my high school days (“Long Story” AKA The Writing Prompt ). I’ve written a romantic comedy blog serial from my days as a young professional ( The Literary Girlfriend ). I’ve even written a marriage story (Nice Things, which is kind of a sequel to “The Literary Girlfriend”). But I haven’t written any complete stories about my college days. I’ve avoided writing too much about my college days, and as this blog serial continues, it will be obvious why I avoided writing about it.
I remember the stuff that happened in college, but I’m not sure about the chronological order of a lot of it, so this story might seem jumbled. Some of the anecdotes might seem unimportant, but context is crucial. Context explains why people believed the accusation made about me later on in this story. Context will hopefully also demonstrate that I’m not the kind of person who does what I was accused of doing.
This story is going to take a while to tell, and it’s going to be all over the place because I remember the stuff that happened, but I don’t remember the order it happened in. There were too many people involved for a reader of a blog serial (or even me, the author) to keep track of, so I’m making some composite characters. I don’t remember word for word everything that was said, so some of the dialogue might not be accurate, but hopefully I capture the right tone.
I won’t intentionally try to make myself look better than I really was. I’ll look bad a few times in this story, and some (not all) of what happened to me was my fault. I won’t try to hide that. I’ll also try not to make myself look worse than I really am either.
A lot of this story takes place in the University Library, and I don’t even remember what it looked like. I searched it online, and the building was unrecognizable to me. Remember, this happened over 30 years ago, and it does not feel like it was just yesterday.
I’ve heard a lot of strange stories of weird stuff that goes on during college. But I’ve never heard of anybody else going through what I experienced. And I’m going to tell you all about it over the next few months(?) in the blog serial… University Library!!
*****
To be continued in University Library: The One Night Stand .
At least he’s not staring at his phone. (image via wikimedia)
“Print is dead,” I said as my family entered the book store. It was a stupid thing to say, I admit, and probably rude. I’ve never said “God is dead” while walking into a church. It’s just that the first thing I noticed was a bunch of people staring at their phones. Staring at their phones in a book store? What else was I supposed to say?
Print isn’t dead. Not yet, anyway. According to Nielson BookScan (I didn’t know Nielson kept track of book sales too!), sales of print/real books are up 6% for the first half of 2016, even though there hasn’t been a blockbuster this year. A few years ago 50 Shades of Grey was the blockbuster, and everything that was 50 Shades related sold well. There hasn’t been a blockbuster like 50 Shades since, but real books are still being bought anyway.
Five years ago, a lot of people thought that print was dying, that young people would prefer digital, even as they got older. Maybe kids do/will prefer digital, but real books might still be more useful. Research shows that readers who use a real book will retain information better than somebody who uses a digital format. I don’t know if these studies are accurate. They could have been rigged, or they might be biased, or they might have been paid for by the educational publishing industry so that they could justify overcharging for printed textbooks.
It’s too bad that sales for fiction are going down, despite the overall rise in book sales. According to other recent studies , which may or may not have been accurate, people who read fiction, especially literary fiction, are supposed to be more empathetic than people who don’t read fiction at all. There are a lot of narrow minded people out there who can see things only from their points-of-view. We need more empathy in this world. Therefore, we need more people to read fiction. Maybe studies will show that people who read print fiction become more empathetic than people who read digital fiction.
I let my daughters buy a couple books each month, but I don’t let them buy magazines, especially teen celebrity magazines. My daughters can find anything they want about teen celebrities on the internet. The internet is great simply because I’ve never had to spend money on a teen celebrity magazine. Somebody must be buying them, though. There were a bunch of teen celebrity magazines in the book store, and my youngest daughter wanted to buy them all. Print isn’t dead until the teen celebrity magazine is dead with it.
Even though I let my daughters buy their own books, I use the library. We can’t afford to have everybody in my family buy their own brand new books. New books are expensive. Plus, I pay for the library with my taxes, whether I use the library or not, so I might as well use it. On some days when I don’t even feel like reading, I go to the library and check out a bunch of books, just out of spite.
A 6% increase in book sales over the first six months of the year is a blip in the larger scheme of economics, but it’s better than a 6% decrease. Even though I like reading books digitally, especially when I travel or am standing in a long line, I’m glad that print isn’t dead. There’s a lot of value in print.
As we drove home, I kept my eyes on the road like I’m supposed to, but while we sat at a red light, I glanced at my daughters in the back seat. I’d been expecting them to be reading the books I’d just paid for. Instead, they were staring at their phones.
“Print is dead,” I said quietly to myself.
*****
What do you think? Is print making a comeback? Was print ever truly threatened?
*****
When I was a kid, I was punished for saying the word crap. Looking back, it kind of ticks me off because now I know…
And here is the true story of my one moment of high school glory!
Now only 99 cents each on the Amazon Kindle!
Stephen King could rewrite the phone book, and it would be a best seller, even though nobody reads phone books anymore.
There are a lot of good reasons to study best seller lists, even if you’re not going to read the best sellers right away. For one thing, it’s a good idea to keep up with trends in the publishing industry. Plus, you might find an idea for yourself to write about, as long as you make enough changes to avoid being accused of plagiarism.
On the other hand, you might discover some ideas NOT to write about, since a best selling author has just taken the idea. Finally, you automatically seem more literate and sophisticated if you know what novels are currently selling well.
Below are the best selling novels for the second week of July 2016, according to the New York Times:
- End of Watch by Stephen King
This is the third book in the Bill Hodges trilogy, which also includes Mr. Mercedes and Finders Keepers. The problem with trilogies, though, is that the story has to be really compelling for readers to put the time and energy into reading three books, even if they are written by Stephen King.
Stephen King has been writing books since I’ve been in junior high school. Now my daughters are in junior high school, but they haven’t read any Stephen King books yet. Maybe I should start them with Carrie.
2. The Girls by Emma Cline
A teenage female gets drawn in to a cult in the late 1960s. It’s supposed to be like a fictional retelling of the Manson story from the viewpoint of one of cult’s followers. Those cult leader dudes like Manson tend to have some character flaws, but they can always attract women.
When I was younger and going through a romantic drought (I was getting turned down by a lot of women), I thought about becoming a cult leader. I decided against it because things usually get out of control and end badly.
3. Here’s to Us by Elin Hilderbrand
Three women are married to the same man (and I think they know they’re married to the same man), and when he dies they must endure a weekend together. I don’t understand why a guy has to marry all three women.
I thought the proper thing to do was to marry one woman and then have affairs with the other two. The title makes it sound like the women will get along by the end of the book. But at least the married guy wasn’t a cult leader.
4. Tom Clancy: Duty and Honor by Grant Blackwood
Tom Clancy has gone from being an author to a title. It’s not unusual for popular/iconic characters to be written by somebody who is not the original author, but I didn’t know Jack Ryan was an iconic character, and I don’t know if I like the deceased author becoming part of the title. When somebody who was not Ian Fleming wrote James Bond books, the cover said Ian Fleming’s James Bond in… BOOK TITLE. I don’t think Ian Fleming ever became the actual book title.
Maybe author Grant Blackwood should write a novel where Tom Clancy is the main character. Then I wouldn’t mind the name Tom Clancy being in the title.
5. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins
The Girl on the Train remains in the top ten!!
Every month when I review the best seller lists, I marvel at the appearance of The Girl on the Train. Will it be a best seller in August? If the author hurries, she can have a sequel out before her book drops out (because I have no idea when it’s going to drop out).
6. Foreign Agent by Brad Thor
What does Brad Thor think about a Tom Clancy book written by somebody who is not Tom Clancy? Thor and Clancy compete for the same kind of readers, so it might irk Thor that he still has to compete with Tom Clancy after Tom Clancy has died.
I’m jealous of Brad Thor for having a cool name, but his books are a lot shorter than Tom Clancy’s, and sometimes contain just as much story. And Brad Thor hasn’t put himself in the title yet.
7. After You by Jojo Moyes
This is the sequel to Me Before You. Author Jojo Moyes has a lot going on right now. Me Before You recently came out as a movie, After You is still selling really well, and she has a book of short stories coming out in October. At least, I think it’s a collection of short stories. After all, it’s called Paris for One, and Other Stories., so that makes it sound like a collection of stories. At any rate, that’s a pretty good year.
8. The Pursuit by Janet Evanovich and Lee Goldberg
One of the main characters is a con man named Nick Fox. A con man named Fox? Ugh.
9. Before the Fall by Noah Hawley
This was also in June’s best seller list! I was surprised a book about a mysterious plane crash would stay in the top ten. Critics are still angry at the television show Lost. I didn’t even watch Lost, and I’m still angry about it. It’s not fair to plane crash novels that a television show ruined the premise of the mysterious plane crash, but at least that hasn’t seemed to affect Before the Fall much.
10. Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler
Congratulations to new author Stephanie Danler for her debut novel staying in the top ten for July. There might have been a lot of pressure on her because of her highly publicized huge advance, but sales of her novel seem to remain strong. Maybe there are a lot of food fiction fans out there who like titles where compound words are reversed. Maybe the sequel (if there is one) will be called Taste After. If it’s After Taste, then it sounds like a Jojo Moyes book.
*****
What do you think? Is Brad Thor a real name? Should deceased authors be used in book titles? When will The Girl on the Train fall out of the top ten? What should the title of the Sweetbitter sequel be?
Just so you know, this isn’t the peeping tom. This is the author who wrote about the peeping tom. (image via wikimedia)
It’s a creepy premise for a book. A motel owner peeps at a bunch of people in his establishment over several decades. Supposedly, it’s a true story, and it’s creepy that it happened. It’s creepy that an author wants to write a detailed book about it. It’s creepy that a publishing company wants to put this book out there.
The potentially creepy book is The Voyeur’s Motel by Gay Talese. Talese has been a respected writer for a long time. Decades ago, what he wrote (according to this Washington Post article) was considered New Journalism, where the author combines reporting with writing techniques used in fiction. A lot could go wrong when you combine journalism and fiction-writing techniques. I prefer the facts in journalism, and the fiction-writing techniques in fiction.
Now, just before the book’s release, Talese has found out that the primary source for The Voyeur Motel, notes taken by the voyeur himself, might not have been truthful about all the details. I’m not a journalist (and I don’t want my blog to revel in creepiness), so you can read the details here and an update here if you want. Instead of delaying the book and making sure there are no other surprises, the publishers are going ahead with the July 12 publishing date.
It’s probably not a good idea for an author, even a New Journalist, to rely on one source for a story. I’m no reporter, but I always heard that a story was supposed to corroborated by two or three sources.
When I was growing up, a common saying was: “Trust but verify.”
To me, that meant “distrust but verify,” but I understood. You don’t want to act like you’re distrustful. You act like you believe your witness/note writer/interviewee and then go back and check things out. That way it’s non-confrontational.
A few years ago, Rolling Stone magazine got burned by a rape story where the reporter didn’t verify some facts. The reporter lost her credibility, and so did Rolling Stone.
Last decade, news anchor Dan Rather blew his whole reputation on a document that turned out to be forged. If he’d verified instead of just trusting, he might not have damaged his career.
It’s a lot easier today to check facts than it used to be, so I’m puzzled why professionals don’t do it. I can understand why students don’t do it; students are supposed to be lazy. But professionals are getting paid. When money is on the line, you want to get it right… unless there’s a deadline to meet or an agenda to set.
Once a journalist is caught getting sloppy, it’s tough to trust him/her again. The first goal of the journalist should be to get it right. When the journalist gets caught getting sloppy once, it’s natural to wonder how many other times the author got careless but didn’t get caught.
Even if we knew for certain that The Voyeur Motel was 100% accurate, I’m not sure I’d want to read it. This is one of those situations where it’s okay to be aware of the basics that something bad happened but we don’t really want to know the details.
I’m not saying this book shouldn’t ever be published. I’m just suggesting that since it’s so creepy that they’d better make sure it’s accurate.
This is a candidate for my Books Too Embarrassing To Read In Public list. There’s no way I’d want to walk around carrying The Voyeur Motel with me. I don’t want to be the guy who’s seen reading a book about a peeping tom. It’s not as bad as being a peeping tom, but no man wants to be associated with the idea of being a peeping tom.
If I were a publisher, I’d use this controversy as an excuse NOT to publish this book. This book just seems like a bad idea, and now there’s proof that this bad idea has been poorly executed. Sometimes poorly executed bad ideas can work, but usually not if the ideas are creepy, and especially if the facts might be wrong.
*****
What do you think? How accurate should a New Journalist be? How creepy can a book be before you decide not to read it? Would you read The Voyeur’s Motel in public?
If it’s in the title of a song, it has to be a word. (image via wikimedia)
40 years ago, nobody thought ain’t was a real word. After all, it wasn’t in the dictionary. At least, ain’t wasn’t in any of the dictionaries that we students looked in. The conventional wisdom back then was that if a word wasn’t in the dictionary, then it wasn’t really a word. It never occurred to me then that a dictionary could change its mind. Nowadays, if enough people start using words, then the dictionary will bend its judgement and include them, infuriating purists and grammarians everywhere.
If any non-word should become a word, it’s ain’t. I don’t have proof to back this up, but it’s probably been one of the most commonly used non-words over several generations.
In elementary school, I had a friend who used to say, “Ain’t ain’t a word, so you ain’t s’posed to say it three times a day cuz it ain’t proper.”
The humor in that statement was that the word ain’t was used four times in one sentence when you weren’t supposed to say it three times in one day. I had some rebellious friends.
In high school, I even remember a couple teachers who frequently said ain’t. One was a science teacher, and when a bold student corrected her, the science teacher retorted:
“I ain’t a English teacher.”
After the bold student corrected the usage of the words a and an, the science teacher repeated:
“I ain’t a English teacher.”
If teachers were using ain’t in front of their classes, we thought, then it had to be a word, no matter what the English teachers said. The English teachers were outnumbered by every other teacher.
The Merriam Webster Dictionary now states that ain’t is “widely disapproved as nonstandard and more common in the habitual speech of the less educated.”
I would love to have seen my science teacher’s reaction to that.
Even though the word ain’t is considered improper, there’s a logic to its usage. Most (if not all) forms of the verb be have contractions. Is not has isn’t. Was not has wasn’t. Were not has weren’t.
And a few hundred years ago, am not had amn’t.
Somewhere along the way, amn’t became ain’t. And somewhere along the way, ain’t became improper.
Part of that stigma might be because ain’t is a contraction. English teachers used to instruct us students not to use contractions in our writing. As far as contractions go, ain’t is probably the most extreme because it’s often used in situations where am not should not be used.
For example, am not could be used after the pronoun I , but it shouldn’t be used after you, he, she, it, we, and they. Most people use ain’t indiscriminately after any pronoun or subject. I’m just speculating, but ain’t might be frowned upon more than any other contraction simply because it’s so misused. There’s a correct way to use ain’t, and there are many wrong ways.
*****
Correct Example
I am not going to read A Song of Ice and Fire until George RR Martin actually finishes it.
That is grammatically correct.
I ain’t going to read A Song of Ice and Fire until George RR Martin actually finishes it.
If ain’t is ever proper, the above sentence has the correct usage. My science teacher was using ain’t correctly, and I didn’t know it.
*****
Incorrect Example
We am not ever going to read another James Patterson novel.
To be correct, the phrase should be are not instead of am not.
We ain’t ever going to read another James Patterson novel.
Since am not was not grammatically correct in that situation, then ain’t shouldn’t be either.
I kind of wish that the dictionary would outright state that ain’t is not a word. We need higher standards in almost every part of our lives, and language is one of them. That doesn’t mean I’d ever correct anybody for saying ain’t. Correcting grammar is worse than using improper grammar.
No matter what the dictionary decides, ain’t might never become a universally accepted word. It’s too controversial and has had too long of a history. And, if it ever became proper, we’d have to find a new way to annoy grammarians.
*****
What do you think? Should ain’t be considered a real word? If ain’t did become a real word, how else would we annoy grammarians?
*****
Here’s the romantic comedy you can read and listen to…
Check out these books on Amazon!
(image via wikimedia)
The 4th of July is a weird holiday. Not everybody gets the day off. We don’t exchange gifts. We don’t eat a big feast. We might go to a parade, but we pretty much don’t do anything until it gets dark, and then we watch a giant fireworks display.
Back in 1976 when the United States turned 200 years old, I lived in a rural area where we’d have to drive about 20 miles to see the county’s lame fireworks show. In our community a lot of us were pale and had necks of red, and people with necks of red don’t like watching somebody they don’t know (like an outside entity hired by a community leader) shoot off fireworks, no matter how impressive the display is. Most people with necks of red would rather control the fireworks themselves, even if it’s just a bunch of firecrackers and sparklers.
It took a long time for it to get dark on July 4, 1976. Even when we were blowing up M-80s all over town, time passed slowly. Eight boys, a box of M-80s, no adult supervision, and a slow-moving day, that’s a really bad combination.
(If you haven’t read the first part of the story, you can start here.)
The M-80s belonged to Ray who had stolen them from his older brother. I had been peer-pressured into lighting an M-80 outside an open window of a burly neighbor who was emotionally unstable and owned a shotgun (another really bad combination). He had even threatened to shoot Ray (according to Ray). I was 10, so I was stupid enough to carry out somebody else’s bad ideas.
Just so you know, I learned from this experience. I later became the guy who thought of the bad ideas but was smart enough to let somebody else try them out.
Anyway, I knew that several things could go wrong. I could blow my hands off with the M-80. I could be seen by an adult blowing up the M-80, and they’d tell my dad who would beat me with his belt. I could get caught by the burly neighbor, who’d then want to shoot me. I could get shot before I even made it to the porch.
My plan was to approach the house from the side, light the M-80 near his front door (which was wide open), then brazenly run in a straight line away from the house as fast and far as I could toward the other boys. That way if the burly guy saw me, he’d just see my back as I was running with a bunch of other shirtless boys. Only Ray would stand out from the rest of us. Nobody would mind if Ray got shot. His older brother was probably going to kill him anyway once he found out his M-80s were gone.
Still, I didn’t want my hand to get blown off by the M-80. I also didn’t want to get shot by the burly guy.
The rest of the boys stood in a pack a few houses down the street. Anybody who saw us should have known something bad was about to happen. All the houses were one-story, and most were built the same way with a side driveway, then a living room in the front and two small bedrooms on the other side of the front door. I kept low with my back to the house so that the burly neighbor wouldn’t see me from inside. I crept past the living room window, fumbled with the matches, lit the tip of the fuse, and ran like hell.
I must have been fast because I passed my friends before the M-80 even blew. They watched me sprint by and stayed in their pack. I was at least halfway down the block before that M-80 went off. I stood my ground by the stop sign, watching the burly guy’s front door as my friends sped toward me. All of us stood by the corner waiting for the burly guy to plod out. I had images of a shirtless hairy guy with his gut hanging over his shorts. Maybe he’d even come out with his gun. Maybe he’d take a shot at us, but we were too far away. This had gone better than I’d expected.
Except nobody came out. We stood there for a couple minutes, but nothing happened. We were puzzled. His windows were open. His front door was wide open. Other adults in the neighborhood looked out of their windows to see what was going on. We knew the burly guy was home. How come he hadn’t rushed out?
“He’s probably taking a sh*t,” Ray said.
“Should we try it again?” a kid asked. We had one more M-80.
“If you want to get shot, go ahead.”
Everybody seemed let down except me. I was glad he hadn’t come out.
If this seems anti-climactic, I can’t help it. That’s just the way it happened. I was thinking of making the story more dramatic with the burly guy running out with a shotgun. Maybe he could have shot Ray (that would have been a crowd-pleaser), but it didn’t happen that way. I never found out what the burly guy was doing, and I probably don’t want to know.
The thing is, I missed the best part of the whole story. We split up a few minutes later because we’d almost run out of M-80s and it was close to dinnertime. Most of us would see each other later when our parents let us blow up firecrackers that evening.
I wasn’t there when Ray blew up his thumb. He lived in another part of the neighborhood, and he always did his thing without supervision as much as possible. The story was that Ray had run out of M-80s and was blowing stuff up with smaller kinds of explosives. While he was in the process of lighting some kind of firecracker, an adult came out and yelled at Ray to stop. I guess Ray got distracted or argued with the adult or panicked, but by the time he got rid of the firecracker, it was too late. Whatever it was went off and shredded his hand.
A few days later, when my dad heard about Ray losing a thumb, he said calmly, “He shall soon be a frustrated young man.”
My older brothers laughed, and I didn’t understand. A few years later, I figured it out.
That’s how life is. We had spent July 4th trying not to get hurt with an M-80, and then Ray gets disfigured with something as common as a firecracker.
For a few weeks Ray had a cast/bandage on his hand. After that, he had a stump for a thumb. Ray liked to show off the stump to make girls gag, but he was embarrassed by it too. From then on, Ray was the guy who was too dumb to light fireworks, but he didn’t stop. Two summers later, right before we moved, I saw Ray blowing up dolls, telling younger kids to light-and-run. And then he’d show them his stump as a reminder. He was using his stump as a teachable moment, even though the term “teachable moment” hadn’t been invented yet.
*****
I don’t remember which fireworks we blew up that night. It wasn’t as spectacular as vandalizing the community with M-80s, but the whole neighborhood was out there, so it was a lot more fun. Our parents were drinking, but in a good way, and it was a giant party. Even when we ran out of firecrackers, we stayed out for a long time. It was 1976. The United States was 200 years old. We had some celebrating to do.
THE END
*****
What is your favorite 4th of July memory? Have you ever embellished a true story to make it more dramatic?
USA! USA!! USA!!! (image via wikipedia)
Even at a young age, I was taught to be proud that I was a United States citizen. I knew to stand up while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. I made sure our United States flag never touched the ground. I even tried to sing along as the Star Spangled Banner was being performed, but I was told to mouth the words instead because my singing voice wasn’t good and I sounded disrespectful.
Some people are uncomfortable expressing pride over being an American. Maybe they even feel like it’s arrogant to feel pride in a country. I don’t think my pride is arrogance. I simply recognize that I’m fortunate to live in a country where our U.S. Constitution guarantees certain freedoms and human rights that our government may not arbitrarily take away. This freedom allows Americans to reach our potential in ways that may not be possible in most countries.
The 4th of July is a great time to celebrate those freedoms along with the birth of this country. With that celebration comes lots of fireworks.
*****
“Whatever you do,” Ray explained as he showed us the M-80s he had stolen from his older brother, “don’t hold this while you light it. Put it down. Light the tip of the wick. Then run like hell.”
He demonstrated this process in the local park. It was late afternoon on the 4th of July, and it would be a few more hours before it got dark and parents would let us light fireworks. There were probably six of us elementary school boys gathered around Ray, who was in 8th grade, and there weren’t any parents around.
Ray repeated his instructions and then strolled to the opposite side of the park, trusting me to hold the box of M-80s. Ray set an M-80 on the ground, lit it, and then ran back to us. A few seconds later, it exploded, and we couldn’t believe how loud it was.
All of us jumped in surprise. One boy shrieked like a girl. I think my ears even popped. Ray laughed at our reactions and lit off another one. There was something exhilarating about watching/hearing an M-80 explode. One moment, the park was peaceful; then a violent (but contained) explosion rocked the park, and then a smoky peace returned.
Each one of us took turns lighting an M-80 and running away. I was nervous when it was my turn, but I didn’t have any problems because I had an older brother who smoked, and he would let me light his cigarettes for him.
After a while, we got bored of just lighting M-80s. We started to get creative. We found an old beat-up stuffed bear, put an M-80 into a hole in the bear’s shoulder, lit it, and watched the bear explode into a flurry of fluff. I kind of felt sorry for the stuffed bear. I knew it wasn’t alive, but it deserved better than to get blown apart by an M-80.
We passed a house that belonged to a teacher whom Ray didn’t like. We buried the M-80 in a flower pot on the porch and the pot exploded. Dirt, pottery and bits of flowers scattered in all directions. I didn’t feel bad about the flower pot.
Every time we blew something up, we laughed. It was probably more like a cackle. I knew we shouldn’t have been blowing up stuff, but it was fun. Looking back, I don’t get too down on myself for enjoying this because I was 10, but I still knew blowing up other people’s stuff was a stupid thing to do.
In case you didn’t know, this is what unsupervised kids do. They brain glitch. Even my generation (decades ago), if we knew stuff was wrong, we’d do it anyway, and when an adult asked us why we did something stupid, we’d just say “I don’t know.” When you honestly don’t know why you did something wrong or stupid, that’s the brain glitch.
Don’t get me wrong, a brain glitch isn’t an excuse. As you get older, you have to learn how not to fall for the brain glitches. My dad swung a vicious belt, so the threat of that usually overpowered my normal brain glitch. But the M-80s had magical power. The explosions were mesmerizing. The destruction was compelling.
With dinnertime approaching, we got more daring. We probably should have stopped with the flowerpot. Back then, though, most of our houses didn’t have air conditioning, so the neighborhood was filled with open windows. You could always tell who was home. One kid wanted to scare his older sister, so he snuck up to her window and lit an M-80 next to it outside the house. When it blew up, she screamed and saw us cackling outside the window, and she cussed us out really loud, so we ran. I don’t know why we ran. She’d already seen us.
Scaring people with an M-80 was fun, but we only had a couple left. Ray wanted us to scare the burly guy who lived in the house on the corner. I didn’t have a problem with the guy on the corner, but Ray hated him. Ray told us that the guy had threatened to shoot him if he saw Ray again, so Ray didn’t want to be the one to sneak up on the house. He promised us that the burly guy wouldn’t shoot any of us, as long as he didn’t see the M-80.
“Jimmy,” Ray said, handing me an M-80. “You do it.”
I didn’t want to do it. I was scared of the guy on the corner, even without the threat of being shot. He was big, burly, and hairy. I could sometimes hear him yelling at people from way down the street. My parents told me he was okay if you didn’t make him mad but to stay away from him anyway. I didn’t want to sneak up on his house with an M-80. Even at my age, I knew that was a bad idea.
“Why me?” I asked.
“Because you look innocent.”
That made sense to me. I had been told many times that I looked like a sweet kid, so I understood Ray’s logic. Even though I looked innocent, I knew how to light an M-80. I knew how to sneak up on a house. I knew how to run like hell. If I planned this right, maybe I could blow this M-80 without the burly neighbor even knowing that it was me who’d done it. This was a spontaneous plan, but it could work, I kept thinking as I psyched myself up to blow up an M-80 by the burly neighbor’s house.
You know these things never turn out quite as you expect.
*****
To be concluded in 4th of July Story: The Kid Who Got his Thumb Blown Off.
Or read the first episode at 4th of July Story: The Box of M-80s.
This picture was published in 1902. It was okay for kids to fire off guns back then. (image via Wikipedia)
I was 10 when the United States turned 200 years old. It was a big deal back then, but at the time, the meaning of the 4th of July was lost on me. As an adult, I understand July 4th is the annual celebration of the signing and approval of the Declaration of Independence by the Continental Congress.
I understand how important the following sentence from The Declaration of Independence is:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
That one sentence had a bunch of concepts that were unique way back in 1776.
The Declaration of Independence is also known for John Hancock’s really big signature. As an adult, I appreciate how momentous the signing of that document was and how it began the process of liberating the colonies and forming one of the greatest nations in the world. I also appreciate John Hancock’s really big signature. Several jokes have been made about how a guy named John Hancock had a really big signature.
When I was a kid, I didn’t understand all this, including the John Hancock jokes. Back when I was 10, the 4th of July was about shooting off fireworks. And 1976 was a great year to shoot off fireworks.
*****
Back then I lived in a rural town. It wasn’t a suburb. It was a small town over an hour away from the closest city. Nobody ever came to our town to visit. You only went there to live.
I don’t want to sound crude and perpetuate stereotypes, but my friends and I were all pale with necks of red. When we went shirtless during the summer, you could tell what we had worn the rest of the year by the borders of red along our necks. I wore collared pullover shirts, so I had a v-neck of red. Most of my friends wore t-shirts or sweaters, so their necks of red were all circular. Now people can’t tell that I have a neck of red because I wear long sleeve collared shirts and ties most of the time. I am a middle-aged, clean cut guy who speaks properly.
Summer days in a rural town in 1976 could be kind of boring. There was no cable television. We had one movie theater, but it took at least a year for a good movie to get there after it had been released. It was 1976, and we still hadn’t seen the movie Jaws yet. Everybody wanted to see Jaws. We didn’t even live near a beach. We had a lake, but we weren’t supposed to swim in it because some horses had taken dumps in it and a kid had gone blind because of the bacteria. Looking back, our lake was more dangerous than a beach, and we didn’t have any sharks.
Since we were bored, we wandered around a lot that day. We threw rocks at a kid from another neighborhood, but we didn’t really try to hit him. It was fun just scaring him. We rode our bikes to a nearby cliff and threw stuff (nothing alive) off of it.
We were looking forward to the fireworks that night. Our parents would let us light firecrackers and run around with the sparklers. But none of that would get started until it got dark, and that was hours and hours away. We had to find stuff to do to kill the time.
There were probably six of us riding our bikes around, but none of their names are important to the story (because I’m trying to keep it short). We were all within a grade or two of each other. After a while, one or two kids would go home and then another kid or two would take his place. We were interchangeable. I went home once and ate lunch and read comic books and then got on my bike until I found them again.
Things picked up later in the afternoon when we ran into Ray. My mom didn’t like Ray. He was the only boy who wasn’t allowed to come over to my house. He was about three years older than the rest of us, and he didn’t have any friends his own age. He cussed all the time and smoked cigarettes, and his parents were never home, so he was fun to hang out with. He also had a couple big dogs (but I don’t remember the breed because back then Rottweilers and pit bulls weren’t popular).
“C’mere!” he yelled at us from down the street. He didn’t have a bike, but this day he had a box. We gathered around him and peeked inside. I didn’t recognize the contents. I knew they were something like really big firecrackers, thick red cardboard tubes with long wicks sticking out, but they were far bigger than anything my dad let me light off. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I kept my mouth shut and pretended like I knew what they were called.
“What’s that?” some other kid asked.
“M-80s!” Ray said proudly. I had never heard of an M-80 before. A few other kids had, and so they made some exaggerated gasping sounds.
“Where did you get them?” a kid asked.
“Older brother. He left them lying around.”
“What are you going to do with them?”
“What do you think, dipsh*t!” Ray said. “We’re going to blow some sh*t up!”
And with that, our 4th of July started early.
*****
To be continued in 4th of July Story: Waiting for Fireworks.
(image via Wikimedia)
Some guy who is not a writer lost a $1.2 million book deal this week. He had the book deal, and then it fell apart. In most circumstances, I’d feel bad for somebody who had such a large book deal and lost it, but in this case I’m not so sure.
The non-writer involved is a political guy (you can read more details here) who just got fired from a prominent political campaign. People are tired of reading about the politician who this guy worked for. I’ve written about this politician a couple times in the last few months, and I don’t want to become a political blog, so I intentionally left out the politician’s name on the title of this post because putting it there could turn readers off.
But when a guy loses a $1.2 million book deal, I have to write about that.
I’m not the type who delights in the misfortune of others, but I also don’t like it when obnoxious behavior is rewarded. The political guy almost got the book deal because of his former boss and his own obnoxious behavior. He recently got a cable news gig because of his experience with his former boss, but his new peers are upset (partially) because of his obnoxious past. I prefer it when obnoxious behavior gets punished, but losing the book deal isn’t really punishment because he never had the money in the first place, and he’ll probably still get paid in other ways.
It’s a bit unclear why the political guy lost the book deal. It might have been that he had a nondisclosure clause with his former boss. After all, the point of a book would be write a bunch of scandalous stuff about this former boss. Maybe the nondisclosure deal screwed him on the book deal, but he probably got more money from his former boss because of that nondisclosure agreement. I’m not a political guy, so I don’t understand how all these things work, but I know there’s a lot of money involved in politics.
I wonder what it feels like to lose a book deal that big. Maybe $1.2 million isn’t a lot to a political guy, but a book deal worth $1.2 million would change my life. If I had a deal like that and lost it, I’d lose it. I’d cry. Maybe I’d cry and put it on YouTube. I hear that youngsters like to watch reaction videos. I’m sure they would get a kick out of a middle-aged guy crying over a lost book deal. Those youngsters might even be shocked that anybody could make $1.2 million writing a book. Who reads books anymore?
Struggling authors sometimes get mad when a non-writer gets a book deal, but it’s even worse when a non-writer gets a huge advance. The huge advance is like salt in the wound for a struggling author. We struggling authors know that the celebrity/non-writers aren’t taking away readers from us. We know that the people who buy celebrity/non-writer books aren’t going to buy ours. At least, I know that, but I can still get bitter about it if I’m not careful.
I’d almost rather have a $1.2 million book deal fall through than never have the deal at all because it sounds good. At least I could brag that I almost had a $1.2 million book deal. From a practical standpoint, though, no book deal is no book deal, whether it almost happened or not. The thing is, this political guy will probably still get another one. It might not be for $1.2 million, but it will still probably be more than what I’ll get for my own writing.
When this political guy gets his new deal, I really hope I don’t find out about it.
*****
What do you think? How would you react to losing a $1.2 million book deal? How do you react when you find out that a non-writer has received a huge book advance?
*****
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This novel had a 100% chance of becoming a best seller. Or is it “bestseller”?
Every author would like to write a best seller, except maybe those who would rather write an award-winner instead. If you’re an author who doesn’t want to write a best seller or an award-winner, I apologize for making a blanket statement. Anyway, two authors claim to have discovered the formula for writing a best selling novel, and they… you won’t believe this… have written a book about it.
The upcoming book is The Bestseller Code: Anatomy of the Blockbuster Novel by Jodie Archer and Matthew L. Jockers. These authors suggest that they have cracked the code on how to write a bestseller. They’ve broken it down to plot and theme and characterization and language.
According to this book, the novel that scored highest on their algorithm was The Circle by Dave Eggers. The authors claim to have analyzed 20,000 novels which probably means The Circle beat out books by Stephen King, James Patterson, John Grisham, Tom Clancy, and everybody who wasn’t them. Dave Eggers has had a lot of success as an author, but to write a novel that has a greater chance of being a best seller than a book written by Stephen King?
Stephen King could rewrite the phone book, and it would be a best seller.
Dave Eggers could rewrite the phone book, and it probably would not become a best seller. That’s not an insult. I mean, he’s a good author, but his books don’t automatically become best sellers.
How does a researcher analyze 20,000 books anyway? I don’t think I could even read 20,000 Wikipedia entries about books. I’m sure the The Bestseller Code will explain how the research was done, but research practices are like the fine print on contracts. As soon as I start reading about the research process, I’ll probably lose interest in it. Maybe that’s what researchers count on.
I’m surprised The Circle was deemed the perfect best seller. First of all, it doesn’t take place during World War II. When I do my monthly best seller reviews, at least one novel (and sometimes two or three) take place during World War II. If I wanted to write a best seller, I’d think about setting it during World War II.
If there is an algorithm for a best seller, maybe writers shouldn’t know it, especially the desperate ones. There’s a risk that all novels will start to look the same. We see some of that anyway, with a bunch of best selling authors who kind of write the same books over and over, and the similar books keep selling. Dave Eggers doesn’t write the same book over and over, but he nailed the algorithm for The Circle. As a reader, I wouldn’t want every novel to sound the same. If everybody writes a best seller, then nobody writes a best seller.
A book about how to write a best seller isn’t guaranteed to become a best seller either. I don’t know how many authors are trying to write best selling novels. Out of those authors, how many can fork out money on a hard cover nonfiction book? Then again, I’d rather pay $20-25 for this book than a few hundred dollars for a James Patterson course.
Maybe the authors of The Bestseller Code are making up the entire algorithm. Scientists manipulate data to fit their agendas, including information that strengthens their case and ignoring stuff that undermines their theories. Lawyers do the same thing. Maybe these authors have left out crucial information too.
I don’t trust algorithms anyway. The algorithm Amazon uses to recommend books to me is wrong most of the time because it always suggests books by authors I’ve read or topics I’ve read about. Once I’ve read a book or two by an author, I’m ready to move on. Maybe I’m the opposite of most readers, but the algorithm should have figured that out by now, which means the algorithm is inflexible and therefore inherently inaccurate. Then again, maybe the algorithm is right, and I’m wrong about the books I’ll enjoy.
Trying to figure out what makes a best seller isn’t a new idea. A few years ago I wrote a blog post called How to Write a Best Seller with… Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn . At the time, I believed Gone Girl was the perfect best seller. I didn’t think it was a perfect book, but it had the perfect blend of elements for a best seller. I didn’t have an algorithm, though. I just had book-reading experience. If you want to save yourself $25, you can read my old blog post.
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