Things NOT to Say to the Wife

(image via wikimedia)

When you’re a married man, there are a lot of things you shouldn’t say to your wife.  At least, you don’t say certain things if you want a happy relationship.  Since I’ve been married to the same woman for over 20 years, I think I have a pretty good feel for what to say and what not to say, but even I will slip up sometimes.  And when I slip up, I slip up badly.

Last Saturday, there were a lot of house chores, more so than normal.  I had created my own list of Saturday activities, but I didn’t write them down.  That was my first mistake.  From my wife’s point of view, if all my future chores aren’t listed on paper or in a text/email, then they don’t exist.  Storing the chores in my brain doesn’t count.

I knew my wife had a list, and I was doing a good job of mixing my list with hers.  I changed out lightbulbs (wife’s list), cleaned out some gross stuff in the refrigerator (wife’s list), raked leaves from my neighbor’s trees off my lawn (my list), destroyed a giant ant hill (my list), cleaned out kitty litter boxes (my daughters’ list, but I didn’t feel like interrupting while they were actually doing homework), throw out unnecessary stuff in the closets (wife’s list), cleaning out the gunk from the washing machine (wife’s list), and fixing the garage door (my list).

While I was cleaning out the gunk, my wife asked me to dust off a couple high spots in the house.  I was a little annoyed because I’d been really productive but I was getting tired, and I wanted to get to the fun stuff for the weekend.  I was ready to call it quits and enjoy the rest of the weekend.  All I had to do was keep my mouth shut, get a couple more things done, and disappear for a while.

Instead, I said, “Honey, did you get any of those chores done that I asked you to do?”

She looked at me perplexed.  “What chores?”

“Exactly.”

At the time, I thought I was being clever, but it’s better to keep that kind of cleverness to yourself.  My wife got pissed, and instead of enjoying my Saturday afternoon I had to console an angry wife.

I should have known better.  When I’m tired of doing chores, l usually let my wife know ahead of time.  Maybe I’ll tell her I’m tired before I’m actually tired.  If I wait until I’m tired to tell her I’m tired, then I might not have the energy or focus to say it correctly.

This is nothing new to me.  When I feel it’s almost time to relax for a while, I take a dramatic deep breath and say, “Whew, we’ve gotten a lot done (I give her credit too).  I’m going to do this and this (make sure they’re actual chores) and take a break.”

Even if my wife has more stuff for me to do, she probably won’t pile it on, especially if she’s seen me accomplish a lot already.

Of course, things might be easier if I just wrote out my chore list ahead of time and made sure my wife saw it.  But men usually don’t write lists.  Men write lists as frequently as we ask for directions.  We might get mocked for that, but we still get things done and we usually find our way around (even without current technology).

Husbands, if you’re feeling really bold, write your wife a chores list.  But whatever you do, don’t call it a To Do List.  Men don’t write To Do Lists.  We do chores, so call it the Chores List or the List of Chores.  At any rate, if you write your wife a chores list, let me know how it goes.

I bet you’ll have a very interesting story to tell.