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Best American Jokes Ever!

August 8, 2012
Flag of the United States of America

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We Americans may be guilty of using too many natural resources, consuming too much food, and exporting a corrupt culture throughout the world, but at least we have a sense of humor about it.  A BEST AMERICAN JOKE EVER! can poke fun of the unique foibles of the United States without offending Americans enough to send out the drones .  The following anecdotes might not be the funniest American jokes ever, but since they can be appreciated by Americans, non-Americans, and even anti-Americans, these are some of the BEST AMERICAN JOKES EVER!

*****

DOESN’T ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH AROUND HERE? 

A hotel clerk in a country that was NOT the United States was getting tired of the steady stream of Americans who could speak only English. 

“I remember years ago when Americans would at least try to speak our language,” the hotel clerk said to the other hotel employees.  “The Americans would usually mess it up, and we would laugh at them behind their backs, but at least they tried.” 

An American tourist staying at the hotel then came to the desk to lodge a complaint.   Of course, he spoke in English. 

“Nobody speaks English around here,” the outraged American said to the clerk.  “The maid can’t understand me when I proposition her.  The television stations are all in your weird language.  You’re the only one here who speaks English worth a damn.” 

The hotel clerk rolled his eyes and said slowly, “Where I’m from, the person who is visiting learns his host country’s language.” 

“And where I’m from,” the American said, “the guy who’s spending all the money gets to choose what language is spoken.” 

*****

A UNITED STATES vs. EUROPEAN UNION JOKE 

A Greek guy walked into a bar and ordered a drink.  Unfortunately, the Greek guy was broke, and the bartender knew it, but the bartender served him anyway because he didn’t want the Greek to throw a fit and start a riot. 

Then an American guy, tired after a day of protecting huddled masses yearning to breathe free, making the world safe for democracy, and maybe (according to some) engaging in a few illegal wars, entered the bar and ordered a drink. 

Unfortunately, the America guy was broke, and the bartender knew it, but after a quick discussion, he served the American. 

When the Greek heard that the American guy was broke, he started laughing. 

“What are you laughing at?” the American said.  Normally, he’d be ready to fight, except now he was too tired and spread too thin to care that much. 

“I think it’s funny that you’re broke,” the Greek said. 

“You’re broke too,” the American said, puzzled. 

“Yes, we’re both broke,” the Greek responded, “but you work a lot harder than I do.” 

***** 

TERRORIST MAGAZINE HIRES AMERICAN WRITER 

A major terrorist publication was looking to hire a new American editor after a U.S. drone had killed its previous hire.  A U.S. citizen trying to make it big in the writing profession (without having to spend all his time blogging, tweeting, and Facebooking) agreed to interview for the position, and he traveled to a terrorist stronghold to explain how he would make changes to increase the terrorist magazine’s circulation. 

“First of all,” the American interviewee said, “we need to change the focus of our feature columns.  Articles about guns and mass destruction only appeal to a small segment of the population.  If you want to attract a greater percentage of impressionable males, you need articles about porn flicks and strippers.” 

The (temporary, though he didn’t know it) terrorist leader agreed with the American’s suggestions, and soon the American was hired.   When the American editor told his parents about his new job, they were concerned. 

“If you’re successful,” his parents said, “the U.S. government will send drones out to kill you too.” 

“That’s why I’m having the magazine focus on strippers and porn,” the new American editor replied.  “Even more potential terrorists will read my magazine, and nobody in the U.S. government will want to kill me.”

From → Best Jokes Ever!

7 Comments
  1. Hahah. I like the first one.

    • Thank you. I have to give credit to people who at least attempt to speak a second language. A few years ago a tourist in a group approached me with a camera and asked, “Would you sorry take picture?” and all of his friends laughed at him. At least he tried.

  2. Thanks. I am also like the first one. Really nice post.

  3. Great! Actually kept me reading! Good job!

  4. Marytg66 / 1Real Girl permalink

    esto es muy divertido, ¡gracias!

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