Best College Jokes Ever!

The United States higher education system has some problems right now.  The costs are high, students are taking out too many loans for too much money, and too many graduates can’t find jobs.  On the bright side, the parties are awesome!  Between the beer, the babes, and the breaks, college life is the source of much humor. 

A BEST COLLEGE JOKE EVER! is one which everyone, even those who haven’t completed their higher education, can enjoy . The following anecdotes might not be the funniest college jokes ever, but since even those who want nothing to do with college can appreciate them, these are some of the BEST COLLEGE JOKES EVER! 

*****

Initiation Night 

It was pledge time, and a fraternity was choosing which freshmen to initiate into its brotherhood.  Only four pledges had made it through the fraternity’s rigid selection process (being able to afford the dues), and as the fraternity president looked over his pledges, he thought of the joy this night would bring. 

Tonight, as these unsuspecting young pledges would soon find out, was hazing night.  The fraternity had special blindfolds, handcuffs, and various instruments of poking and prodding to insure that the pledges would be loyal to the fraternity. The fraternity members received no pleasure from conducting these rituals, the president reminded himself. It was merely a formality, of course. 

As the selection process was winding down, the president asked each pledge, “What do you have to offer to this fraternity?” 

The first pledge, an intellectual, said, “I have the highest GPA on campus, and all my future awards and academic accomplishments will bring great honor to this fraternity.” 

The second pledge, a hunk, answered, “Women love me, so whenever there’s a party, you can just put me by the front door, and all the hot sorority babes on campus will be here.” 

The third pledge, a smooth talker, said, “I’ve heard this fraternity has almost gotten kicked off campus a few times.  You need a guy like me to calm the campus officials down when parties get crazy.  I can talk my way out of anything.” 

The fourth pledge said, “I don’t really have any special skills, but I’ll do anything you want so that I can be part of this fraternity.” 

The fraternity president was pleased with all the answers, but the intellectual then said, “We want to join this fraternity, but we will not tolerate getting hazed.  That ritual is archaic and childish, and if you try to haze any one of the pledges, then all of us will quit.” 

This annoyed the fraternity president, but three of the four pledges were top notch, so he reluctantly agreed. 

The next morning as the four pledges were waking up in their quarters, a bunch of fraternity brothers barged into the room and grabbed the fourth pledge. 

“Please come with us,” the fraternity president said. 

The intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker sat still in their beds as they heard the fourth pledge screaming in another room.  His shrill pleas of “Noooooooo!” put all three of them on edge. 

“I really want to be a part of this fraternity, but they agreed to no hazing,” the smooth talker said. 

“If he’s going to be our fraternity brother, we have to help him out,” the hunk said, ready to bust some heads. 

“If they get away with doing that to him, they’ll think they can do that to us too,” the intellectual said. 

The intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker marched out of their quarters and ran into the fraternity president. 

“You agreed to no hazing,” the hunk said, outraged and ready to fight.  The pledge’s screams of “Nooooooo!” still echoed down the hallway. 

“Wait!” the fraternity president said, backing away.  “I promise you, there is no hazing going on.” 

“We hear the screams,” the smooth talker asked.  “If he’s not being hazed, then what are you doing?” 

“We just found out that he can’t pay his fraternity dues,” the president explained. 

“That doesn’t justify the physical abuse,” the intellectual said. 

“If he can’t pay his dues, then he can’t join the fraternity,” the president said.  “He just realized that next year he has to live in the dorms.” 

*****

Spring Break!

Three college guys (a hunk, a smooth talker, and an intellectual) traveled to a beach during Spring Break.  The hunk and the smooth talker were going for obvious reasons (beer, women in bikinis, and drunk women in bikinis), but they couldn’t figure out why the intellectual was going.  

“I’m going on Spring Break to have a few and to get some,” the hunk said.  “Why are you going?” 

“I’m studying the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the intellectual said. 

“Good for you,” the smooth talker said.  Both the hunk and the smooth talker were a bit uncomfortable around the intellectual, but he was quiet and paid more than his fair share, so he was welcomed on the trip. 

When they got to the hotel room, the hunk and the smooth talker worked out sleeping (with women) arrangements so that they had a schedule that wouldn’t interfere with each other.  Since the intellectual wasn’t going to bring back any women, his sleeping (by himself) schedule would be flexible. 

Later that day, both the hunk and the smooth talker returned to the hotel room, each with a bikini clad partner, at the same time.  Since this wasn’t supposed to happen, they began arguing about the arrangement. 

“I get 7:00 to 9:00,” the hunk said. 

“No, that’s your time tomorrow night,” the smooth talker replied (he was lying but figured he could smooth talk the hunk into believing him).  They would have argued for a few more minutes, but one of the bikini-clad women spoke up. 

“Can you two argue about this inside?” she asked.  “I really need to use the bathroom.” 

When they opened the hotel door, they were stunned to see the intellectual naked in bed with two really hot women (no longer wearing their bikinis).  It was pretty obvious what had been going on, and both the hunk and the smooth talker were flabbergasted.  Their female partners were already in the bathroom and didn’t care. 

“But… but… but…,” the hunk said. 

“You said you were here to study the mating habits of inebriated women in unfamiliar surroundings,” the smooth talker said. 

“That’s why I’m an intellectual,” the intellectual said.  “I can understand your euphemisms, but you don’t understand mine.”

*****

Prank Day

It was the morning of Prank Day, and word spread throughout the college frat house that the fraternity intellectual was throwing up all over the place and that he might be contagious.  The frat boys were readying their Prank Day tomfoolery, but quickly decided it would be best to leave the intellectual alone while he was sick. 

The Prank Day jokes continued for everybody else.  Somebody put itching powder in the frat president’s toilet paper.  The frat smooth talker got KY jelly in his saline solution.  The frat hunk got set up with a hot babe who turned out to be a dude (and there was great frat boy hilarity when the hunk discovered this).  Everybody in the house fell victim to an Prank Day joke, everybody except the frat intellectual. 

It was very late that night when the hunk and the smooth talker confronted the intellectual in his bedroom.  The intellectual was working on an intellectual project with another intellectual (one who didn’t live in the frat house). 

“Feeling better, are you?” the smooth talker asked suspiciously. 

“Whatever do you mean?” the intellectual responded. 

“It’s convenient that you’re feeling better, now that Prank Day is over,” the hunk said.  “You’re the only guy in the house that didn’t get pranked.” 

“It seems that is the case,” the intellectual said. 

“I know what you did,” the hunk continued.  “You just pretended to be sick so that the rest of us would leave you alone.” 

“That is an interesting theory,” the intellectual said slowly. 

“Well played,” the smooth talker exclaimed.  “You pulled the ultimate Prank Day prank.  You’re like super-ninja kung-fu Prank Day Zen master, using passive defensive prank tactics so that we would leave you alone and you wouldn’t have to retaliate against us.  I bow down to your awesomeness.” 

Even the hunk agreed that the intellectual was brilliant, and both bowed to the intellectual before leaving his room. 

“They’re right,” the visiting intellectual said.  “That was a genius strategy to avoid Prank Day conflict.” 

“As long as they think that,” the intellectual replied, shaking his head.  “I actually threw up this morning because somebody replaced the sugar on my cereal with salt.”

*****

WHICH POLITICAL PARTY SHOULD I JOIN?

This is more like a political joke, but it involves the intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker, and it takes place at the end of their academic days.

*****

A bunch of college guys were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity smooth talker made an announcement. 

“I have decided what I am going to do after college,” the smooth talker declared.  “I am going to become a politician.” 

The other frat guys nodded, since the smooth talker had shown little aptitude for anything except an amazing ability to convince women to give him stuff for nothing in return (except momentary affection and empty promises). 

“Now that I have chosen my career, I must choose my political party,” the smooth talker continued.  “Should I become a republican or a democrat?  I don’t even know the difference between the two.” 

“There isn’t a difference,” said the fraternity hunk, who was a libertarian.  “The only difference between republicans and democrats is that most republicans at least know that their candidates suck.” 

“That is a shallow way of delineating the differences between republicans and democrats,” the frat intellectual said.  “It depends on where you stand on a number of issues.  What do you think about the economy, the deficit, the national debt, health care, gas prices, national defense, and the environment?” 

“Babes,” the smooth talker said.  “Which party has more babes?” 

“Women tend to vote democrat a bit more than they do republican,” the intellectual responded. “But that’s not a valid reason to…” 

“Then a democrat I shall be!” the smooth talker proclaimed, cutting off the intellectual.  “I shall represent women, and minorities, and the poor in their struggles against the oppressors in this country.” 

“But you are the oppressor,” the hunk said, puzzled.  “You treat women like dirt in your personal life.  You voted the poor students out of this fraternity because they couldn’t pay their dues.  You tell the vilest racist jokes I’ve ever heard.  And you say you want to help these people?” 

“I am a politician,” the smooth talker said with a wink.  “Just because I say I want to help women, minorities, and the poor doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them.” 

And with that, the smooth talker stepped out of the frat house to begin his political career. 

The hunk was furious, but the intellectual couldn’t figure out why. 

“You always thought the smooth talker’s antics were funny when he got women to pay his way for everything,” the intellectual said.  “What has changed?” 

“I just got hired by a huge corporation,” the hunk explained.  “Now that he’s a politician, it’s guys like me that will have to pay his way for everything.”