What Do You Read If You Don’t Like the Roman Empire?

I’m kind of in an anti-Roman Empire mood right now.  Maybe I’ve watched too many movies or television shows centered around the Roman Empire. Maybe I’ve read too many books. If I have to blame any individual, I blame Colleen McCullough.  Or maybe I should blame the Romans.

I blame Colleen McCullough because of her novel The First Man in Rome. I enjoyed the first half of it because I didn’t know much about the two Roman historical figures, Sulla and Gaius Marius.  The more I read, however, the more I thought to myself, ‘what a couple of pricks.’  Then I spoiled the novel by reading a history book and finding out that these two pricks achieved pretty much what they wanted to achieve. Any setbacks they had were caused by other Romans who were also pricks.

Well, that sucks, I thought, but now I don’t have to keep reading the series.  I already know what happens to the all the historical figures involved by having read a few pages of a history book.  Thank you, history books!

Whether or not The First Man in Rome is worth reading is not the point.  After reading hundreds of hundreds of pages of Roman conquest and infighting, I wanted a book where the Romans flat out got their asses kicked by barbarians or other non-Romans.  Historically, it probably didn’t happen very often.  I know of battles that the Romans lost, but those were usually followed by Roman victories that were in turn followed by Roman genocide/enslavement of opposing populations.  Those types of temporary barbarian victories don’t count.

When I was a kid, there were Asterix and Obelix books that depicted the Romans as buffoons.  Yeah, those comics (graphic novels) had some good moments, but some of the illustrations use stereotypical characterizations that might be considered ‘problematic’ by readers today.  Then again, I’m almost 60 years old, so screw the problematix.  If I want to read an Asterix and Obelix book, I’m going to read an Asterix and Obelix book.

If I want something more violent, there are also the Bran Mak Morn short stories by 1930s pulp writer Robert E. Howard where the Pict king resorts to sorcery to defeat the Romans. Yes, the Picts win, but resorting to sorcery has a price.  These stories are great if you dislike the Romans (and don’t mind a little weird stuff in your ‘historical’ fiction). These stories are cool.  There just aren’t that many of them.  

But besides that, I don’t know of other books where the Romans get obliterated and stay that way. Maybe there’s something good about the sack of Rome or something. Or maybe I have to be satisfied with reading about or watching the Romans murder each other instead.

So maybe somebody can help me out here. If you’re not particularly fond of the Romans, then what are some good books to read?

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Similar posts (kind of) from Dysfunctional Literacy:

Julius Caesar Was a Swell Guy (according to War Commentaries of Caesar by Julius Caesar)

Robert E. Howard’s Letter to Two Nerds in the 1930s

I Found An Old Letter A Famous Author Wrote To Me 

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A grammar-obsessed English teacher falls in ‘luuuvvv’ but discovers how chaotic and dangerous ‘luuuvvv’ can be.

Or you can buy a copy here on Amazon!

Not sure? Read a sample chapter of The Sunset Rises: A 1990s Romantic Comedy.