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Awkward Moments in Dating: Hygiene and Grooming Issues

February 26, 2019

(image via wikimedia)

As disgusting as it was, the string booger hanging from my nose didn’t matter.  Francine would have turned me down for prom anyway.  The booger just made it worse.

We were sitting in my car in Francine’s driveway after school on a Thursday ( you can get more details here), and I had just asked her to prom.  When she declined, I adjusted the rear view mirror just so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact with her, and I saw the dangling booger.

I’m not sure if I physically flinched, but I know a bunch of thoughts flooded through my brain.  I knew I couldn’t say anything about the booger, but I knew Francine had seen it, and she knew that I knew she had seen the booger, and neither of us would say anything about it, and she was in my car.

To my credit, I didn’t act like a murderer.  A murderer would have driven Francine into a secluded area and… Actually, I don’t know what a murderer would have done because I’m not one.  I just let her finish her explanation (she just wanted to go with her friends).  When I say I “let” her finish and leave, it doesn’t mean I had any plans to keep her in my car against her will.  The thought never occurred to me then (or now).

Then I watched helplessly as she got out of my car and fled into her house.  I didn’t even bother to do anything about my nose problem until I got home.  The damage had already been done.

Francine never asked for a ride after school again.  She never accepted my offers to drive her home again (I asked twice out of politeness).  I think it was because we had shared a really awkward moment.  I hope it wasn’t because she thought I was a disgusting guy who didn’t check his nose.

Anyway, I felt selfish and guilty because I had destroyed our friendship just so that I might get a prom date.  I went back and forth over this for a few days.  After Francine’s melodramatic fake crying in the hallway, I’d been 80% sure she was going to turn me down, but I’d asked anyway.  That proved I wasn’t a coward.  I hadn’t been rude to her at all; that was in my favor.  Plus, I didn’t say anything bad about her to my friends after she turned me down.

As far as I know, Francine didn’t tell anybody about the booger either.  I never heard about it (and believe me, I was on the alert for mockery).  She could have done some damage to me with booger ammunition, but she didn’t do it.  I respect her for that.  You know, we probably would have had a good time at prom.

Anyway, I learned my lesson with the booger.  After that debacle, I knew I was never safe.  I wasn’t that attractive, I wasn’t rich, and I didn’t have a magnetic personality, so I had to make sure there was nothing grossly wrong with me.  If a really attractive woman has a booger dangling out of her nose, people might snicker behind her back, but suitors will still line up; it’s a fixable problem.  For a boring guy like me, the booger would destroy any potential chance I might have.

Because of this experience, whenever I pass by a mirror in a public place, I check myself out.  It’s not vanity.  It might look like vanity, but it’s not. It’s survival.

Here’s a list of what I’ve discovered (and taken care of) since then because of my paranoia:

1. A booger in my nose (again)

2. Pee dots on my crotch (that I swear weren’t there when I checked myself in the bathroom).

3.  Water dots on my crotch that look like a pee dots (that weren’t there when I checked myself in the bathroom).  What’s the point of checking myself in the bathroom if these issues show up anyway?

4.  Bird poop on my head (If you feel moisture hit your head when you’re outside, always look out for a white spot.).

5.  Spinach (or broccoli) in the teeth

6.  Undone fly

7.  Shirt untucked in a bizarre way

8.  Chocolate stain on the butt (Yes, I sat down on chocolate!)

I’m not (and haven’t been) the most hideous guy in the world, but I have/had enough natural flaws.  I can’t afford to sustain the avoidable ones.  I must always be vigilant.  But at least I learned that in high school.  Some poor fools never learn that lesson.

What about prom?  Yeah, it was awkward too, of course, and I’ll get to that next.

To be continued!

And for more cringe-inducing romance, read Awkward Moments in Dating: The Coworker.

From → Dysfunctileaks

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