Sharapova Banned from Grunting, Moaning in Women’s Tennis
Grunting in women’s tennis has been controversial over the past decade, but on this particular year, it was worse than ever. Mothers had to clasp their children’s ears so that their kids would not be corrupted. Porn directors were taping the moans and using the audio to compensate for disinterested actresses. There was mass hysteria. Dogs and cats were living together (or something like that).
The worst of the offenders that year was Maria Sharapova, the blond Russian whose moans were so loud and seductive that they would have lured Odysseus to crash his ship. In order to make an example of somebody, the Women’s Tennis Association declared that if Sharapova moaned at all, or if she emitted a single grunt while she was on the court, she would be disqualified from the ladies Wimbledon singles final.
On the day of the match, the world watched, riveted. Could Sharapova control herself? Would she be able to dominate her opponent without the intimidating wail that had been so successful in the past? Or would she lose her poise by grunting and getting herself disqualified?
To everybody’s shock, Sharapova played the greatest match in her life, dominating her opponent, crushing her so quickly (and quietly) that the world forgot her name before they even had the chance to learn it.
At the end of the match, Sharapova was being interviewed on the court. She was obviously pleased, almost speechless, elated as if this were her first Wimbledon title.
The announcer asked the excited Sharapova, “Can you express how good it feels to come in first at Wimbledon?”
“I could,” Sharapova said, “but it might get me disqualified.”