Bristol Palin Goes Camping, Gets Drunk, Loses Grizzly Bear

With Bristol Palin’s memoir about to be released, there has already been a story leaked about her first adult encounter with Levi Johnston.    You can bet that now there’ll be a bunch more “Bristol Palin abstinence” jokes, and “Bristol Palin loses virginity” jokes, and “Bristol Palin gets drunk and loses virginity” jokes.

This sensitive interpretation of the events is one of them.

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A few years ago when Bristol Palin was not at all famous, she had a pet grizzly bear named Virginity.  Virginity was her favorite pet, and everywhere Bristol went, she took her grizzly bear Virginity with her.

One day not so long ago, Levi Johnston asked Bristol if she’d like to go camping.

“Dad says I can’t go camping until I’m married,” Bristol said.

“We don’t have to really go camping,” Levi continued.  “We can just put up a tent and pretend.”

After much persuasion, Levi convinced Bristol to go to the camping grounds with him.  When they got to the camping ground, they put up the tent, drank a few too many wine coolers, and ended up going camping.

When Bristol woke up, she discovered her grizzly bear Virginity was gone.  Bristol was both heartbroken and scared.

“Oh no!” she cried.  “I’ve lost my dear Virginity.  Mom and Dad will kill me when they find out.”

Bristol’s parents were indeed upset by her lost Virginity because they knew it would never come back.  After a few days of mourning, Bristol’s parents bought her another grizzly bear, one named Abstinence.

“You don’t have to take Abstinence with you wherever you go,” her mother said.  “However, to teach yourself responsibility, you do have to talk about Abstinence wherever you go.  In that way, you may do penance for your lost Virginity.”

For years, Bristol spoke of Abstinence wherever she went: speaking engagements, television shows, dancing contests, and book signings for her memoir.  And when she spoke of her Abstinence, it always reminded her of her lost Virginity.

Finally one day, she had had enough.  Bristol was filming a new reality show after her memoir had been released, and she felt like she had outgrown the need to talk about Abstinence.

She complained to her older brother who was on military leave.  “I’m a grown woman now.  If I don’t want to talk about Abstinence anymore, I shouldn’t have to!”

“You know how Mom is about her grizzly bears,” her brother said.  “A couple years ago she lost her grizzly bear Publicity, and she’s been looking for it ever since.”

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Aaarrgh! I know this is a lame blog post.  As tempting as it is to delete it (and it’s tempting), I’m leaving it up to show my development as a blogger/writer.  Keep in mind that some of the people mentioned were public figures in 2011, and there was some crazy stuff going on with them.  Back then I saw this blog as practice because I knew nobody was reading it and I could experiment a little.  Looking back, I can see that some experiments go horribly wrong.